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Haunted Jokes

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

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My roommate says our house is haunted

I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.

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You know what the worst part of investigating a haunted porn set is?

You never know what’s ectoplasm and what isn’t.

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A man haunted by his sins went to the church for a confession with the priest...

There's a devout Catholic man who once committed a regrettable act – he gave his best friend a blowjob while intoxicated. Filled with remorse, he decided to seek forgiveness from God and headed to the church.

Inside the church, he approached the priest and says he wants to confessed his sin, ...

I took a girl to a haunted house on a first date.

She ghosted me.

Why didn't 4 enter the haunted house?

Because it was 2 squared

Yo Mama is so ugly, that when she entered a haunted house,

she came out with an application.

I saw a grave sweeper at the cemetery and asked him if the place was haunted.

He said no, he hadn't seen a ghost in over 200 years.

My son was convinced that our house was haunted.

"Would sleeping in bed with your mother and father help you to sleep better?" I asked him.

He said, "But mum died three years ago."

Heard about the alcoholic who lived in a haunted house?

They had a real problem with boos.

Why is it cheaper to throw a party in a haunted house?

Because the ghosts will bring the boos

I told my priest I was being haunted by an overweight ghost.

He said I needed to exorcise more.

What do you call a haunted orange peel?

Po-zest

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[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

A man's car gets haunted by a ghost

So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.

The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.

What will you see if you visit a haunted strip club?

BOOOOOOBIES

Have you heard about the haunted golf course?

It had a bogeyman.

I went to a boring haunted house last night.

Nothing really jumped out at me.

The House is Haunted!



Kid: "Mom, Our maid said that there are ghosts in our house and we need to leave!"



Mom: "Ok, i'll tell your father right away!"



\*Few Minutes Later\*



Mom: "Honey, we need to leave this house. our kid says it's haunted!"



Dad: "God da...

To the many people out there who live in haunted houses...

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Tinder is haunted

I have been talking to someone on tinder and i told her how much i love halloween. To this, she said "great, i have something perfect for you"

Then she ghosted me.

Got a variable rate mortgage on a haunted house and a cheap psychic to cleanse the spirits.

A month later it was repossessed.

We had a haunting.

One place where I lived had unusual sounds at night. It sounded sort of like hundreds of chickens, but very faint and only under the darkest moon. Turns out the place had been built over an old egg and chicken farm, which had become haunted with the noises of the deceased chickens.

We had a ...

I was staying the night in a haunted pub

Just as the clock struck midnight a ghostly police officer walked in through the wall and across my room and out through the other wall.

Next morning I told the landlord what I'd seen.

"Oh yes," he said, "that's the inn spectre".

I went to a haunted bakery yesterday

That place really gave me the crepes

There is a haunted strip club in my town

I asked my wife if I could go see some BoOoOo-bies

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

The Haunted mansion opened three years after Walt Disney died.

It's what Walt would have haunted

America is going through such bad luck at the moment

It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...

9 and 5 walk into a haunted house...

9 leans over and whispers "I'm squared."

5 laughs and replies "I'm not, that would be irrational."

My roommates insist that our house is haunted

I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.

Haunted House Idea:

A room full of women saying "I'm fine."

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. I left.

The place was giving me the crepes.

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I'm starting to suspect that my wife's vagina is haunted by her ex.

Every time we make love, I swear I can hear his name.

Damn girl, are you a haunted house?

Because I'm scared to come inside you.

Why does Cardi B explore haunted libraries?

To look for ghostwriters!

Why have you never heard of a haunted gym?

The ghosts are exercising themselves.

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My house must be haunted

Every night i wake up to the sound of my laptop playing porn.

Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.

It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

Floor 13 may be haunted, but floor 666...

...is a whole different storey.

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

So my oilfield is haunted, turned out quite profitable...

Now I can sell Super-Natural Gas!

Are you scared your house is haunted.....

Just drink spirits to show them who's boss

What do you call haunted yogurt?

Paranormal Activia.

What do call a haunted ballot box?

A poll-tergeist

A photographer goes to a haunted castle

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween.

The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.

The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
...

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I took some Viagra before visiting a haunted house.

I was scared stiff.

A man moves into a haunted house

After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that ...

I once stayed in a haunted house that played 70's music.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified

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Guys I think my mirror is haunted!

Every time I look at it an ugly ass m'fucker look back at me

Have you heard about the haunted house shortage?

Seems like a lot of people are running out of them.

Two mexicans walk into a haunted forest...

...Only Juan comes out.

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3 Boys and a Haunted House

Three boys were standing in front of an old abandoned house in their neighborhood. There was a rumor going around that the place was haunted.

"I'm not going in there. Fuck that." Said the first boy.

"You pussy. I aint scared of nothing." Said the second boy. So he slipped inside the ho...

What did Velma say to Scooby at the haunted methadone clinic?

"Junkies!"

I think my phone is haunted.

Everyone i message keeps on ghosting me.

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What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

Booooooooobies!

Happy Halloween! Stay safe everyone!

What do you call it when a ghost feels like it’s haunted the same house before?

De ja Boo!

What do you yell after chopping down a haunted tree?

Tim Burton!!!

A lady suspects her house is haunted and converts it into a tavern...

She was possessed by the entrepreneurial spirit.

I visited a haunted house today, and my friends fled in terror.

I've been to this place for the last 271 years and haven't seen a single ghost.

Absolute cowards.

Did you all hear about the haunted wooden structures?

They are made of Bamboooooooooooo

What’s the difference between dating a psychopath and going to a haunted house?

Once you come inside you can’t go back

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The Haunted Car

The hour is late, the streetlights have gone out, and it isn't the safest part of town on the best of nights. Jim the hitchhiker wants nothing more than to get out of there as soon as possible.

Suddenly, a pair of headlights appears through the misty gloom, and begin approaching him, silently...

My dating life is like a haunted house

I keep getting ghosted

What do you get if you build a carousel inside a haunted house?

A scary go round.

Three friends go camping in a haunted forest

Late at night, the ghost that haunts the place goes to the first guy and says; "I'm the ghost with one green eye." Naturally the first guy flees. Then, the ghost goes to the second guy and says: "I'm the ghost with one green eye". Second guy flees. And lastly the ghost goes to the third guy and says...

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The haunted bathroom

An man talks with his wife after a long night of drinking.
Man: "Honey, I think our house is haunted!"
Wife: "Why do you say that?"
Man: "Last night, I was going to the bathroom and when I opened the door, the lights suddenly and cold air blew right into me!" ...

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What's it called when you take a shit in a haunted house?

A spooky dookie

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My roommates keep saying that the house is haunted by a ghost

How many times do I have to tell these fuckers I’m a phantom.

Did you hear about the haunted health food store?

Everything is super-natural.

My roommates always say they think our house is haunted.

But I've lived here for 600 years and everything seems fine to me.

What's the first thing you do if your browser becomes haunted?

Clear all spookies

Did you know liquor stores are the most haunted places in the country?

they're all full of spirits.

There's a haunted KFC near my house.

They think it's poultrygeist.

I went to a comedy night at a haunted mansion

I got booed off the stage

What happens if you don't pay the priest, who comes to exorcise your haunted house?

Your house gets repossessed.

My house was haunted by the ghost of Leonardo Da Vinci last night

I almost had an art attack.

I used to share an apartment with a few roommates who always said the place was haunted

I never noticed anything and I’d been living there for 200 years.

What do you call a haunted accordion

Polka haunt us

TIFU: While our for a walk in Paris, I stepped on a snail.

Now I’m being haunted by an escarghost.

I went to a haunted house last night

The scariest part was making small talk with the staff

A man and his wife go on holiday and find a hotel for the night

When they find one, the manager says they're welcome to stay there but it costs £100 each for the night.

That's a bit outside their budget so they politely turn it down and ask if there's anywhere cheaper in the area.

The manager says "Yes, in fact there is a hotel just up the road and...

Thanks to support from the Internet, I no longer have those nameless fears that have haunted me since the pandemic began.

Instead, I'm haunted by fears with names: acrophobia, enochlocophobia, mysophobia...

What do you call a haunted house, whose ghost could not pay the rent?

Repossessed

A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.

The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.

The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises insi...

Do you ever wonder if your house is haunted? Follow this easy step by step process to find out for sure!

Step 1: it isn’t.

Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant?

He got crêped out.

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The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house...

and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!
He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Austra...

Why was the haunted mansion self conscious?

Because it got a lot of creepy stairs.

FML.

Jimmy Carr: “There’s a really easy way to tell if your house is haunted or not.”

It’s not.

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