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What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

Why is it cheaper to throw a party in a haunted house?

Because the ghosts will bring the boos

What do you call it when a ghost feels like it’s haunted the same house before?

De ja Boo!

Tinder is haunted

I have been talking to someone on tinder and i told her how much i love halloween. To this, she said "great, i have something perfect for you"

Then she ghosted me.

Why have you never heard of a haunted gym?

The ghosts are exercising themselves.

9 and 5 walk into a haunted house...

9 leans over and whispers "I'm squared."

5 laughs and replies "I'm not, that would be irrational."

A man's car gets haunted by a ghost

So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.

The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.

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The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!

He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"

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What do you call a spicy pizza haunted by Japanese demons?

A pepper oni pizza

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

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My roommate says our house is haunted

I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

A lady suspects her house is haunted and converts it into a tavern...

She was possessed by the entrepreneurial spirit.

Why does Cardi B explore haunted libraries?

To look for ghostwriters!

What did Velma say to Scooby at the haunted methadone clinic?

"Junkies!"

What’s the difference between dating a psychopath and going to a haunted house?

Once you come inside you can’t go back

Haunted House Idea:

A room full of women saying "I'm fine."

So my oilfield is haunted, turned out quite profitable...

Now I can sell Super-Natural Gas!

Are you scared your house is haunted.....

Just drink spirits to show them who's boss

My roommate is incredibly superstitious..

When he made breakfast, he yelled "Look at this! My Alpha-Bits are HAUNTED! I took a spoonful and it says 'OOOOOO'!" and I was like, "Dude, those are Cheerios.."

When he made lunch, he yelled "Dude, check this out! My alphabet soup is HAUNTED! I took a spoonful and it says 'OOOOOO'!" and I wa...

I visited a haunted house today, and my friends fled in terror.

I've been to this place for the last 271 years and haven't seen a single ghost.

Absolute cowards.

I have an old wine barrel that is haunted by the ghost of a pirate. The ghost is quite friendly and really enjoys when you memorise passages from one of the Harry Potter books and then lean into the barrel and recite the passage.

Sure, its unusual, but don't read too much into it.

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

What do you get if you build a carousel inside a haunted house?

A scary go round.

A hunchback and a guy with a club foot meet each Friday at the pub.

One Friday, lamenting their disabilities, they complain about the length of their walk. "It would be great to short cut through the cemetery" says the guy with the hunchback. "That cemetery is haunted" says the guy with the club foot, "It's madness to walk through there at night!".

After enj...

My roomates think our house is haunted

I live here for over 200 years and never seen anything strange in it.

I tried stand-up before, but it didn't work out. My first audience was a real tough crowd

I was performing in a haunted house and the only responses I got were "boooo".

Thanks to support from the Internet, I no longer have those nameless fears that have haunted me since the pandemic began.

Instead, I'm haunted by fears with names: acrophobia, enochlocophobia, mysophobia...

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard...

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone....

Did you guys know that according to scientists, in October the mitochondria turns into the frightochondria

And becomes the haunted house of the cell

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My roommates keep saying that the house is haunted by a ghost

How many times do I have to tell these fuckers I’m a phantom.

What do you yell after chopping down a haunted tree?

Tim Burton!!!

Why didn't 4 enter the haunted house?

Because it was 2 squared

What happens if you don't pay the priest, who comes to exorcise your haunted house?

Your house gets repossessed.

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What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

Booooooooobies!

Happy Halloween! Stay safe everyone!

A photographer goes to a haunted castle

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween.

The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.

The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
...

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An American couple is looking to adopt a child...

and for whatever reason, they find themselves in an orphanage in Germany. There is this little German boy they really liked to adopt, and they decide to ask the nun if they can adopt him.

"You want to adopt little Volker?" the nun asks.

"Yes, of course. Why, is something wrong with Vol...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

What do call a haunted ballot box?

A poll-tergeist

Did you know liquor stores are the most haunted places in the country?

they're all full of spirits.

Have you heard about the haunted house shortage?

Seems like a lot of people are running out of them.

Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.

It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

My roommates insist that our house is haunted

I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.

Floor 13 may be haunted, but floor 666...

...is a whole different storey.

Do you ever wonder if your house is haunted? Follow this easy step by step process to find out for sure!

Step 1: it isn’t.

It’s 1975 and a zebra from the Bronx zoo dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St. Peter said "That's a question only God can answer.”

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked "God, please - I must know... am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are.”

The zebra...

I once ate at a haunted French restaurant.

The place gave me the crepes.

People say that my house is haunted

They are lying cuz I've been living here for 274 years without noticing anything.

Life is like the ocean

In the years before World War II, in a little Polish village, a learned rabbi used to teach his students, “Life is like the ocean.” And they would nod and respond, “Yes, life is like the ocean.” One young student was particularly taken with this philosophy, and he carried it with him through the lon...

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Guys I think my mirror is haunted!

Every time I look at it an ugly ass m'fucker look back at me

Paranormal happenings in the Navy

Just found out that the USS Enterprise (CVN-65, sorry to Trekkies) was haunted. The apparition of a human figure, from the waist down and appearing to have been messily severed from the rest of the body, would walk the ship’s passageways.

While nobody is sure of the ghost’s identity or the ex...

I used to share an apartment with a few roommates who always said the place was haunted

I never noticed anything and I’d been living there for 200 years.

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What's it called when you take a shit in a haunted house?

A spooky dookie

I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. I left....

the place was giving me the crepes..

My house was haunted by the ghost of Leonardo Da Vinci last night

I almost had an art attack.

What's the first thing you do if your browser becomes haunted?

Clear all spookies

Did you all hear about the haunted wooden structures?

They are made of Bamboooooooooooo

I think my phone is haunted.

Everyone i message keeps on ghosting me.

Two mexicans walk into a haunted forest...

...Only Juan comes out.

Jimmy Carr: “There’s a really easy way to tell if your house is haunted or not.”

It’s not.

A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.

The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.

The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises insi...

My roommates always say they think our house is haunted.

But I've lived here for 600 years and everything seems fine to me.

I once stayed in a haunted house that played 70's music.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

I went to a comedy night at a haunted mansion

I got booed off the stage

My dating life is like a haunted house

I keep getting ghosted

Three friends go camping in a haunted forest

Late at night, the ghost that haunts the place goes to the first guy and says; "I'm the ghost with one green eye." Naturally the first guy flees. Then, the ghost goes to the second guy and says: "I'm the ghost with one green eye". Second guy flees. And lastly the ghost goes to the third guy and says...

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I took some Viagra before visiting a haunted house.

I was scared stiff.

What do you call haunted yogurt?

Paranormal Activia.

I just bought a haunted boomerang from an old medicine man in the outback.

That’ll come back to haunt me.

Who was the most frustrated ghost in the world?

The one that haunted Helen Keller’s house.

My house is haunted...

...I said to my self one day. Furnitures keep moving around. Clothes keep appearing all over the house. The milk is always on the counter. There's always dirty dishes in the sink.

Then I remembered that I have kids.

Yo mama's so ugly

She went to a haunted house and came out with a job application

A man and his wife were on a driving holiday and looking for a hotel for the night.

When they found one the manager said "Yes, we have a room and it’s $100 for the night.”

That was a well outside their budget, so they politely turned the offer down and asked if there was anywhere cheaper in the vicinity.

The manager replied "Yes, in fact there is an old hotel just up ...

A regular kid and an anti-vaxx kid were at a haunted house.

A man with a chainsaw begins to run at them, but only the normal kid runs.

Why, you may ask?

Well, I'd like to see you try to run while in a coffin.

What do you call a haunted prison in Russia?

A ghoulag

Did you hear about the haunted health food store?

Everything is super-natural.

What do you call a haunted house, whose ghost could not pay the rent?

Repossessed

My house is haunted by Nintendo characters.

I knew I shouldn't have fooled around with that Luigi board.

Every time one door closes, another opens.

I think my house is haunted.

There's a haunted KFC near my house.

They think it's poultrygeist.

What do you call a movie about a family haunted by a Turkey?

Poultrygeist.

Did you hear about the nickel and the penny that got fused together and is haunted?

The coin has the sixth cents

Moved to a new place, was told it was haunted... Last owner hung himself in his bedroom.

But why would I believe it was haunted if the guy didn't even believe in himself.

I had a chance to buy a couple of haunted houses and turn them into rental properties...

but I said no, because who wants to be the lessor of two evils?

A man moves into a haunted house

After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that ...

A woman just moved into a new house and thinks it's haunted, so she goes to talk to a priest.

The priest talks her through the exorcism process and tells her what to expect. The woman says, "I don't know if that will work. You see, the ghost in my house is rather *unusual.*"

"*Unusual* how?" the priest asks.

"I have reason to believe that this ghost is... a huge pervert." ...

I went to a haunted house last night

The scariest part was making small talk with the staff

A couple checked into the Haunted Inn for a fun Halloween weekend.

At the front desk, they told the clerk that zombies and skeletons were fine, but they refused to share accommodations with ghosts. Whereupon the manager returned their money and asked them to leave, because he refused to do business with wraithists.

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The Haunted Car

The hour is late, the streetlights have gone out, and it isn't the safest part of town on the best of nights. Jim the hitchhiker wants nothing more than to get out of there as soon as possible.

Suddenly, a pair of headlights appears through the misty gloom, and begin approaching him, silently...

What do you call a haunted accordion

Polka haunt us

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