Exorcise Jokes - 35 Hilarious Exorcise Jokes

You've got to be careful when getting your house exorcised

If you can't afford the payments the priest will repossess your house

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What happens if you don't pay the priest, who comes to exorcise your haunted house?

Your house gets repossessed.

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Did you hear about the guy who had to be exorcised?

He couldn't pay the priest afterwards and got repossessed.

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Here's a Twofer

What do you do when your demon gets fat?

You exorcise him.

What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

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How do ghosts keep in shape?

They exorcise regularly.

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I told my priest I was being haunted by an overweight ghost.

He said I needed to exorcise more.

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My house was haunted, so I got it exorcised by an expert.

Unfortunately, I couldn't afford the payment and it got repossessed.

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I just paid to have my house exorcised...

But I couldn't keep up with the repayments - so my house got Repossessed.

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What gym equipment do demons never use?

The exorcise bike.

Ba dum tiss.

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A man, crying in pain, complains to the dentist “It feels like my left jaw is possessed by the devil!”

“Oh! Then eat right and exorcise”

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What did the priest do to the possessed gym teacher?

He exorcised.

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What do you call the ghost of a dessert-chef who returns no matter how many times they're exorcised?

A boo-meringue

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Priests nowadays...

...have embraced technology. The have youtube channels, twitter, facebook and instagram accounts. And they just don't exorcise anymore, they uninstall demos.

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what does a devil do to stay fit?

>!exorcise!<

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It was a tough Halloween this year..

I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.

Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!"

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What do fat ghosts need to do to lose weight?

Exorcise

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Why was the Catholic priest in such good shape?

He exorcised.

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What did the doctor say to the ghost?

You’re not getting enough exorcise

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What's a chubby demon's greatest fear?

Cross-Fit Exorcise

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a sea Captain's hilarious fictional book about bellybuttons?

*A novel naval navel novel.*

Edit: I'm so sorry. I had to exorcise this shitty joke out of my head before it drove me insane.

Why are priests always super fit?

They exorcise a lot.

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Why was the priest so exhausted after performing an exorcism?

Well because he just exorcised

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How does a bishop get a six pack?

He exorcises

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Why do demons hate fitness?

They don't like being exorcised.

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What do you do to get rid of an obese demon?

You exorcise him.

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What did the bishop say to the lazy priest?

You need to exorcise more.

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Ghosts and fatties are afraid of the same thing.

Getting exorcised

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How does a demon workout?

He exorcises

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How do possessed people work out?

They exorcise

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I stretch daily to squeeze the demons out of my blood.

It's the only way I know how to exorcise.

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How do Catholic church priests stay healthy?

They exorcise.

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Why are fat people always possessed by the devil?

They never exorcise.

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A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel who shows him around the place

"Over there is a local restaurant, it's guaranteed to have your favorite meal there" said the angel

"And over there is a theater, and to the left, there's a swimming pool"

The angel soon finishes the tour and finds that the man is overjoyed.

The angel had one more thing to say t...

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A priest wants to know how he can become a better priest..

.. so he asks the bishop. The bishop had only two points to make.

"Eat healthy and exorcise daily"

(Just thought of this on the can, is there any ways I can improve on it? Or do you know of any similar jokes to lighten up my day?)

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St. Peters needed a bathroom break...

Saint Peter is at the gates of Heaven. He's had too much coffee and now needs to use the bathroom.

He sees Jesus walking by and stops him.

"Jesus, thank goodness you're here. I have a favor to ask. Can you watch the gate while I use the bathroom?"

Jesus, ecstatic at the chance t...

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