I once opened a fortune cookie with nothing inside of it

It was unfortunate...

I used to be an angsty teenager. Fortunately it was just a phase though.

Now I’m an angsty adult.

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Nazi Germany sponsored a program for less fortunate kids to travel to the Far East.

it was called "youth in Asia".

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

I was so fortunate that a Muslim family was able to take me in when Social Isolation when into effect.

Now I am in Quran-tine.

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 a.m.

3 a.m.!!!

Fortunately, i was still awake, playing my bagpipes.

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

I'm always looking out for people less fortunate than me.

I don't want them to rob me.

My friend was frozen to absolute zero.

Fortunately, he was 0K.




P.S. This is NOT mine.

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My wife and I are home quarantined for two weeks. Fortunately, we hoarded lots of toilet paper.

Time for some roll playing games.

My life was ruined by my obsession with video games.

Fortunately, I had another two lives.

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A traveler got stranded on a highway on a dark, stormy night

No taxi in sight, he began walking around the road to find some help.

He came upon an empty car standing a distance away, and, finding it unlocked, he decided to rest awhile there.

Suddenly, the car jerked forward, and began inching forwards into the dark night. Too scared to do anythi...

I had a horrible nightmare last night

I dreamed that I was attacked by a ship of undead who were nothing but bones.

Fortunately, there weren't very many of them. It was a skeleton crew, after all.

I was attacked by a flock of sheep earlier...

Fortunately, I was only grazed.

Today a 49er smashed my car with a pickaxe

Fortunately, it was only miner damage

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

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My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm go...

Grim Reaper

Late last night, I heard a knock at my door. When I opened it, I saw Death come to take me. He stuck out one bony finger from his shroud and motioned for me to follow.

“Please!” I begged. Just give me a few more years.” Death just silently shook his head.

“I’ll do anything,” I exclai...

Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me.

Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

An elderly woman goes to see her doctor complaining that she has been farting a lot recently.

“Fortunately though doctor,” she continues, “They don’t make any sound or smell at all. In fact I’ve passed wind several times since I’ve been sat here!”.

The doctor looks puzzled for a minute then writes a prescription out for the woman, asking her to come back in two weeks.

Two weeks...

99.9% of people are dumb

Fortunately, I belong to 1% of smart people

Someone keyed the music teacher's car

Fortunately, the damage seems to B Minor.

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My dad went to his girlfriends house for the first time when he was in college...

It was thanksgiving dinner, and he had been invited over since they had been dating for well over two years. In the middle of the meal, he felt a fart brewing. Hoping it wouldn’t be a sphincter-symphony, he lifted a cheek and slowly let it out. To his dismay, it was audible (though more of a piccolo...

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what do you call an Alabama man having sex with a woman?

a fortunate son.

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I'm really fortunate for my sphincter muscle.

Without it I'd lose my shit.

Fortunately the California earthquakes were a bit out in the desert so not many people got hurt.

But a few snakes were rattled.

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Unfortunate

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up...

Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.

I'm fortunate to have met a beautiful woman from Mississippi who had all of her teeth.

All of them are on her necklace.

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