A 7 year old kid happily asks him mum

Kid: Mummy, why am I getting my Christmas present on 18th August?

Mum: Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy, son.

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson had been happily married for decades, but there was one thing that bothered Mr. Johnson.

They had five sons named Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar. Now Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan were all tall, thin, and handsome, but Edgar was short, fat, and ugly. Throughout his life, Mr. Johnson wondered if Edgar was really his son, but he never built up the courage to ask his wife.

Finally, the day ...

Me and wife live happily for 25 years

Then we met.

A happily married couple

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"My name is Elizabeth, but my friends call me Liz," the woman replied.The intruder s...

Was happily watching the Bermuda philharmonic orchestra

When the guy on the triangle disappeared

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

My missus asked me if I'd planned something special for Valentine's day. "I'm working on it" I said. She smiled happily,

which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

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A woman came home from her annual physical smiling happily.

"What are you so happy about?" her husband asked.

"The doctor finished my physical and told me I have the breasts of an 18 year old!"

Her husband snorted derisively at her.

"Oh yeah? Well what did he say about your 45 year old asshole?"

"I dunno," she replied, "you never ...

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A man waiting at the airport overhears some people mention that the Pope will be on board his flight

"the Pope!" He thought. "Getting to see or even meet him would be amazing!"

He boards rhe plane with everyone and luckily enough his seat is right next to his holiness himself.


The man is nervous and doesn't know what to say to him so he remains quiet and begins reading his book. ...

There’s a sweet old couple happily living life.

One day the wife went in for a medical exam and when she came home she reported to her husband, "The doctor says I have the heart of a 50-year-old, lungs of a 40-year-old, and the blood pressure of a 25-year-old."

The husband replies, "Oh really? And what did he say about your 70-year-old ass...

My wife and i have been happily married for two years

2012 and 2017

Miss Joan asks her 3rd grade students what their parents do for a living

Emily happily raises her hand and say : "Daddy's a mechanic and Mommy is a teacher like you !"

Jason then replies : "Well, my dad is a chef and my mom is her accountant"

And so on, every child answers to their best until it is little Billy's turn, who suddenly bursts into tears.
...

A boy plans on taking his girlfriend to prom.

A boy plans on taking his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flower...

One woman and four men had a plane accident and they landed on a deserted island

They all manage to survive and build their shelter. But slowly having four men for one woman becomes a problem. The men decide to solve the problem by not fighting but talkind and they decide that the woman should spend a week with each of them one by one. So they went to the woman and told the plan...

Three ducks walk into a pub

One rainy afternoon three ducks walk into a pub, waddle over to the bar and each jump up to sit on a stool. Having never seen this before, the bartender shrugged his shoulders and walked over to the ducks to take their order.

He approached the first one and said "Hi, how is it going today?". ...

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The son comes home and tells happily: "Mum, we compared our willy at school today"

"And guess what? I got the biggest one of all!"



To which the mother replies: "I hope so, my son. After all, you are the teacher."

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise

The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”
A few months later, th...

Noisy Mating

A veterinarian had a busy day at the clinic, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a tall, cool drink and a romantic, candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. An hour later, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" as...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

It's 2020 and I’ve been happily married for five years

Not too shabby as I got married 16 years ago

A girl in a restaurant asked me "Are you single?". I happily replied "Yes"

She took away the extra chair in front of me.

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

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A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”

The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.


“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”

The little gi...

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Once upon a time a bloke asked a girl "Will you marry me" The girl said "NO"......AND THE BLOKE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER......

AND RODE MOTORCYCLES
AND WENT FISHING
AND WATCHED FOOTBALL
AND DRANK BEER
AND ATE CURRY
AND LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP
AND FARTED
AND HAD A WANK WHENEVER HE WANTED.
THE END

Happily Married

There is a couple who have been married for 30 years. Every Friday for dinner the husband would come home from work and the wife would serve him a huge bowl of chilli. One friday, the husband comes home with a colleague so the wife serves up two bowls. When the wife gets up to go to the kitchen, the...

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A woman in her 50s was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight...

Her husband watches her for a while and asks," Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says," I don't care.I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

The h...

A middle class couple wanted to takeout their leftover food in a restaurant

The food served in this restaurant was so good that they kept coming back to dine there and finishing every dish they ordered.


One day they weren't able to finish one, but it was so good that they didn't want to waste it. They wanted to have the restaurant package up their leftover for ...

A nice old lady gives a bus driver some nuts…

A nice old lady on a bus offers the bus driver some peanuts, the driver happily eats them.
Every five minutes the old lady hands the driver a handful of nuts, eventually he asks:

“Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
To which the old lady replies

“I don’t have any teeth, look” ...

I asked a homeless women if I could take her home.

She happily said yes, so I took her cardboard box and left.

I happily dad joked my fiancé

While on her way to work, she texted me saying she only put deodorant on one side.

To which I replied, "At least you won't smell half bad!"

Queen Victoria died and went to heaven.

When she got there, she was informed that she would be reincarnated. However, she could choose which animal.

"One has always thought reindeers are majestic." She said.
So sure enough, a moment later she found herself in the form of a reindeer.

Grazing happily in the England's green ...

A couple had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her...

I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.

And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.

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An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, it would be a good time to wa...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

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A hillbilly once went to a doctor.

“Doctor, I need a cast(e)ration,” the hillbilly said. The Doctor replied, “Are you sure about that?”
The hillbilly promptly responds, “Well, I have given it some thought, and I am really excited about the change.”
The hillbilly finally goes through with the procedure and over time, recovers....

So Joe had a bad cough.

It was the worst cough of his life. He couldn't get anything done since all he could do was cough uncontrollably. So he decided to go to the doctor.

"Doc, you gotta help me," Joe said. "I just can't seem to stop coughing."

"Oh my, oh my, you poor thing," the doctor exclaimed. "I'll pre...

A guy and his blonde wife were happily married.

Until one day when he came home earlier from work and found her lovers car in front of his house.

Knowing what to do he storms into the house and heads to the bedroom.

When he gets to the bedroom he opens the closet and says:

"How many times do I have to say that he's supposed t...

I've been happily married for one year

...out of a total of 5.

I used to live paycheck to paycheck

But now I can happily say that after years of hard work and perseverance; I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

I told my wife that I couldn't imagine myself happily married with anyone else.

No matter how hard I tried.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

Planes never seem to land happily,

They're always a touch down

An old man decides to look into a Nudist Colony

He is invited to try the one week trial period so he does.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, walks over to him and asks, "did you ...

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Harold and Ethel had been happily married for years, except for one quirk

Every morning when Harold woke up, he would announce his consciousness to Ethel in the form of a great trumpeting fart, the kind that make the covers billow. This annoyed Ethel, and she'd taken to telling him, "Dammit Harold, one of these days you are going to shit your guts out." Harold would alw...

One day in a Sunday school class, there was a girl happily paying attention during the teacher's lecture

but there was a boy behind her that kept poking her with a stick. During this, the teacher began to call on the girl and ask her questions.

Teacher: Who do we believe in?

*poke

Girl: God!

Teacher: Very good. Who died for our sins?

*poke

Girl: Jesus Christ!...

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A man hears about a magical lake…

…. where taking a bath increases penis size by an inch. He travels across the country in search of the this majestic lake when he comes across a homeless person who points towards a tall mountain and tells him the lake is on the top.

The man hastily arrives at the bottom of the mountain try...

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A little rabbit is running happily through the forest

... when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with ...

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The Blowjob Class

Chantelle and her man are happily married, but their adventurous days in bed are long gone. To boost their sex life, Chantelle decides to participate in a blowjob class.

In the first lesson, the instructor introduced herself: "My name is Monica and I am a blowjob expert. What you will learn i...

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There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis.

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

My wife and I have been happily married for 7 years.

And today happens to be our 10th Anniversary!

Kevin the town idiot.

A guy is with a friend. He points to another guy down the street and says "Look, that's the town idiot. I'll show you. I do this every week"

He then hollers at the other guy

" Hey Kevin! Here, a gift for you, and you get to choose! One $20 bill, or five $1 bills?"

Kevin happily ...

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I'm actually very happily married!

my wife isn't but she can fuck the right off

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first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”

Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”
Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situa...

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and ...

John went to the doctors for a stomach pain that had been bothering him for months.

The doctor quickly identified the problem and prescribed some painkillers to alleviate the symptoms. But he explained:
"They're suppositories, so need to be taken rectally. I'll do the first one for you, so you know how."
So John bends forward and the doctor inserts the first suppository. It's...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

A guy is driving happily along in his car with

his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"

"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"

"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat broad in the passenger se...

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There was this Wal-Mart greeter ...and everyday he was cheerful, happily greeting customers with a "Welcome to Walmart; I hope your day is wonderful!" or an "Enjoy your shopping!"

One day a loud, boisterous, unkempt woman comes in with her two children, who are running around and causing havoc as she yells at them. The old man greets her in his usual cordial manner, and she snaps back a rude reply to him.

Smiling, the old man looks at the lady and says, "What wonderful...

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Gorilla Hunting *long*

A very rich man decides that he is going to take a trip to Africa to hunt the legendary Great White Gorilla. But as he has no hunting experience, he places an ad to hire a hunting guide. Days go by and no one answers his ad. The man is scheduled to leave for his trip in 2 days and still not a single...

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An elderly couple sought help from a Sex Therapist.

They both told the therapist how much they both missed "that spark" that they had early in their relationship. The therapist asked some more general questions and give them a "homework" assignment before their next session. The couple happily went on their way and returned next week. The therapist t...

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

Which sultry-voiced singer will happily spit in your face?

Llama Del Rey.

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La Tonga (NSFW)

Once upon a time there were two explorers, John Smith and James errmm..Smith ,doing what they did best....exploring. After 2 weeks of sailing they came to shore on what looked like a deserted island.

Hopping off, they eagerly went on a trek through the beautiful tropical forest before them. ...

Mac‘n‘cheese

Two men are lost in a desert. They have been walking for days and are absolutely famished. All of a sudden they come across a human corpse lying there.

After some quick thinking the first guy has an idea: „Lets open his stomach, there‘s probably some food in there!“

So he does.. As h...

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A pigeon, a snake, and a bear are debating

"See that family over there," the pigeon says, looking at a happy family at a park, "I can go over to their picnic and get the humans to give food."

The snake and bear give a laugh. "We can all get food," they say. "No," the pigeon dictates, "I can get them to give me food in a more creative ...

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The wealthy George (the original joke is in Swedish and the translation might be a bit off)

On the beach in large luxury house lives the wealthy George. One day Carl comes from the tax authority and asks how George can live so richly when he has no income.

“I bet”, says George.

“But you can not survive on betting, can you?” asks Carl from the tax authority.

“Do you ...

Today I happily walked through a forest, singing a little song, as suddenly an evil sorcerer walked up and told my he'd turn me into a dwarf because I woke him up with my noise.

Now I feel kinda grumpy.

Lobster Tails

A man was driving through town with his windows down when he heard a man at a small roadside stand yelling, "Lobster tails! Get your lobster tails here only two dollars!"

The man hit his brakes and pulled over. He walked up to the salesman thinking this must be too good to be true.

"Ar...

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A happily married couple was celebrating 60 years of marriage together.

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," sa...

An elderly couple got on a bus.

After a few minutes, the old lady shuffled over to the front, and offered the driver a bag of peanuts.

How kind of her, thought the driver. He drove on, happily munching the peanuts.

A few minutes later, again the old woman shuffled over, with another bag of peanuts.
What a nice lad...

Why is it that if we want to submit something to multiple Reddits, it has to be done angrily?! Can't it be done happily?!

Does everything have to be a crosspost?!

"Honey! I'm pregnant, and we'll be happily expecting a baby soon!"

Says the woman.

But her wife was not happy.

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." s...

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Yesterday, a kid happily waved at me.....

I didn't wave back. Welcome to real world, fucker.

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans



Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

Three friends: Nobody,Somebody and Mad used to live happily together

Once, Nobody and Somebody had a huge argument and in a fit of rage Somebody killed Nobody .

Horrified, Mad decided to call the cops.
Mad: Hello cops? Somebody just murdered Nobody! You need to come over quick!

Cop: What?

Mad: Somebody killed Nobody!

Cop: Sir, are yo...

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

An Irish an English man and a Scottish man got sent to prison for ten years

They are given a ten year supply of anything the English man asks for ten years of tea the Scottish man asks for ten years of cigarettes and the Irish man asks for ten years of whiskey ten years later the guards let them out the English man is happily drinking tea the Irish man is smashed and when t...

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

How to live happily ever after ?

Jerry and his wife never fought for 25 years of their marriage. A friend asked him how he had managed to make it possible.

He narrated, ‘We went for our Honeymoon in Australia 25years ago, and while riding on a horse, my wife’s horse jumped and my wife fell down. She then got up, patted the H...

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A Rabbit is Running Happily Through the Woods

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff...

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well outside town. One day a young woman went to the well to fetch water, and the well heard her crying and asked: "What's wrong?"



She stopped her sobbing and asked the well, "You can talk?"



"Yes," said t...

A lady happily tells her husband, holding a testpack result. "Darling, I'm pregnant!"

Tears running the husband's eyes, he says "Hi pregnant, I'm dad"

I've done some calculations, and I figure, that at my current rate of pay I could live happily for the rest of my life.

If I died tomorrow.

So this newly wed girl asks me how I've managed to be happily married for 30 years...

And I tell her the 25 years have been tough, but the last 5 have been amazing.

"Why" she asks.

"Because for the longest time my wife has been begging me to take her to Paris for our 25th anniversary, so when it came time I took her to Paris, smartest decision I've made, we've been happ...

A moth walks into a bar, the bartender says cheerfully“Hey moth, how about a whiskey?”

The moth says no.
How about a beer? The bartender asks happily.
No, the moth says.
Ok, the bartender says, testily, how about wine?
No.
Shots?
No.
Fuzzy navel?
... no
Well what the hell do you want to drink? The bartender says angrily.
Nothing, says the moth.
Well if...

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be ...

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God invited three presidents - Putin, Lukashenko and Trump - to his place.

"I need to have a very important conversation with you later. So, make yourselves at home, I have a magic swimming pool with a high diving-board, just say a word, and all the water from the pool turn into that", said God, "Just look! Orange juice!" And all the water instantly became orange juice....

The bicycle [long]

Two priests were talking, when one of them tells the other that his brand new bicycle has been stolen. He says that it must have been a member of his congregation, as he last saw it at the church.

The other priest says, "This Sunday, during Service, have your congregation recite the Ten Comma...

A blonde changed her hair color

There was a blonde who was fed up with all the blonde jokes she had heard. So she changed her hair color to to brown.

She was driving along a country road and saw a shepherd herding sheep. She stopped and dared the shepherd. She asked if she could take a sheep if she could guess how many of t...

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"How can you watch porn but still claim you love only me?" My wife asked

" The same way I watch Formula 1 whole weekend but still happily drive my 2010 Toyota Camry everyday" I replied..

That satisfied her...

I just failed to mention I take rental at Enterprise when I go on business trips

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A punjabi joke (NSFW) Long

An punjabi paratrooper’s mum has a dream that his son’s parachute doesn’t open and he falls to his death. She pleads with him to not go to work today. He says “Mum ! I can’t just not turn up, it’s army after all . I will however request my sergeant to spare me the jump today”

As planned he a...

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Once Abdul's wife had a severe stomach ache..

He tried Google, asked his friends and relatives, but no respite from the pain for his wife. Finally, someone suggested to him a reputed Gastroenterologist, and he called him.

Abdul: "Doctor! Please help my wife. She has a severe stomach ache, and I tried everywhere, and nothing is helping. W...

A software tester walks into a bar.

He orders a beer, -1 beers, 50 beers, nuhriuh beers, NULL beers. The barman happily fulfils the orders he can, and declines the ones he can't.

A software user walks into the same bar, and asks the barman where the toilets are. The barman explodes, the bar burns to the ground, and the building...

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A guy in full medieval armor walks into a bar

He sits down at the counter and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic.

The bartender preps the drink, but the armored man is visibly dissatisfied with the drink.

"Barkeep? Wouldst thou kindly rehome this drink in a larger glass?"

The bartender does so.

"Verily, I tha...

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A broke man went to a brothel.

He approached the head mistress and said “I have 15$, what can you do for me?”.
She responded; “Well, Greta up in room 102 can help you, she is pretty old, but very good. She has helped many before for very little”. The guy thanked her and went on his way. Upon entering room 102 and meeting Greta...

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

External :- Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student :- I will open the window.

External :- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compa...

John went to the pub for some light drinking

He found a few old buddies and ended up drinking late into the night.

When he finally returned home at 3AM, he was expecting to be scolded, beaten and taunted by his wife. He was so drunk he passed out on the sofa.

The next morning he wakes up to find his wife humming tunes happily. Sh...

#851: Three guys got into a car crash and all died.

They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. P...

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Marital Advice

Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something....
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,my wife and said, 'Here, try these on!

She did and said, 'These are...

A Blonde girl is going door to door trying to earn money for college.

She comes to one guy's house and rings the doorbell.

"Yes?" the man answers.

"Hi there!" greets the blonde happily. "I'm trying to earn money for college. Do you have any jobs around the house you need done?"

The guy smiles. "Sorry, sweetheart, not really. I was gonna paint th...

A young man wanted to learn an instrument, so he bought himself a bass guitar.

Not knowing where to begin, he decides to take music lessons. After some searching he finds an old bassist who is offering beginner classes at a reasonable rate. He calls the man and they schedule a meeting for the next evening.

The young man leaves work the next day and heads to the lesson. ...

The pot that gave birth

Edit: this joke is from the famous turkish humorous character Nasreddin Hoca. Hope you like.

One day Nasreddin borrows a cooking pot from his neighbor and while returning he puts a smaller pot inside it.

When the neighbor asks what that means, he replies “The pot gave birth and deliver...

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Disney jokes

PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of we...

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

2 Yetis meet on a dating app

2 Yetis matched on a dating app one day. One was American, the other European. In spite of American Yeti’s peculiarities and the yawning physical gap between them, they hit it off. Having gone back and forth for a little while, American Yeti asks European Yeti for a picture. European Yeti happily ob...

A pair of Estranged brothers.

There once were two brothers born to a somewhat well off family. The younger one was exemplary. He always excelled in his classes, went to the best university in the country, and became a renowned lawyer. The older one was pretty average. He was the middle of his class, went to a local community col...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position

as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales...

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The Gator

A guy walks into the bar with a gator on a leash, bartender looks down and says “what you doing in here with that reptile”. Guy says nothing and stands up on the bar.

“Ladies and Gentlemen. I propose a challenge, if I can place my balls in this gator’s mouth and remove them undamaged everyon...

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously drunk man stumbles in.

"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.

The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me ton...

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God has finished creating Adam and Eve

They stand before him and he says, “I have two things left but I don’t know who should get what.”
Adam asks “What’s the first one?”
God says “the ability to pee standing up.”
Adam immediately says “Oh! Yes please! I want that one!” Before Eve could utter a word.
God says “Done!” And Ada...

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