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Blessed Jokes

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At age 13, Little Johnny was blessed with an eight inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

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I was blessed with a rather large penis.

That's when my local priest was arrested.

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When I was a younger lad I was blessed with an 8 1/2" penis

Unfortunately it belonged to father O'Malley

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

All blessed are the mapmakers.

They are the only ones who can draw nations closer together.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Blessed are the poor

For they pay no inheritance tax.

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

What do you call a blessed blanket?

Holy sheet!

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope....

I gave them away. I hate religious nuts.

What do you call an avocado thats been blessed by Pope Francis?

Holy Guacamole.

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There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time, he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy, they were going to name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for...

Jesus said, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

But I think it'd be nice if God let everyone see him, regardless if you have a coronary blockage.

Blessed Are The Red-Necked

“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.

“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”

“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”

Nobody is more blessed

Then the popes altar boy with allergies

A friend asked me if I felt especially blessed to have the privilege of cleaning out Catwoman's toilet...

"Halle loo, yeah!"

Blessed is he, whose mind is clean.

He removed my blouse
I kept quiet

He removed my bra
I kept quiet

He removed my skirt
I kept quiet

He removed my underwear
I kept quiet

Then carefully he removed my panties

Then, I shouted: Bill! Is that space not enough for you to hang your clothes? M...

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I was blessed with a 10 inch penis when I was 12 years old...

...I really hope that creepy-ass priest is still in jail.

You could say that I've been blessed with green fingers

Or you could say I pick my nose far too much.

A religious man was thinking about how good his wife was to him, so he prayed to god to give thanks.

To the man’s astonishment, the booming voice of god spoke to him.

**Man:** God, I’m so grateful that you gave me my wife. If I may ask, my Lord, why did you make her so beautiful?

**God:** I made her so beautiful so that you could love her, my son.

**Man:** And why did you mak...

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Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart with wit.
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold.
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin
Usin...

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God blessed me with a 20 cm long penis when I was 14 yrs old.

Then they arrested the priest.

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Sex Ed teacher wanted for Blessed Virgin Mary Catholic School

No experience necessary.

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The Rabbi's Blessing

A rabbi was walking down the street when, suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew his shtreimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it.
A young gentile man, witnessing this eve...

What do you call a pile of blessed black waist sashes?

A Benedictine Cumberbatch.

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