UPJOKE
birthdayanniversarybirthdaylessunbirthdayannual eventhalf birthdayblow candlecelebrationget giftspecial dayfestivecelebratoryrevelryeat cakesweet seventeen

Happy Birthday Jokes

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just so people can wish them a happy birthday.

You won't catch me doing that today.

Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
...

Story of my divorce

Why did I get divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy bi...

What's the first way to know when you're growing old?

It's your birthday and the only ones who wish you happy birthday are your doctors.

(Not so much a joke. It's my birthday and guess who wished me happy birthday so far.)

Happy birthday Georges Seurat!

I wish I could remember why he's famous but my knowledge of his work is a little spotty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Happy Birthday Henry

Old widower Henry is celebrating his 80th birthday in the retirement home, and his friends decide to hire a hooker to entertain him. So early that evening, a beautiful blond shows up at his door, and says "HI, I'm Susie, and I'm here to give you super sex."

Henry looks her over, thinks for a...

No one wished me Happy Birthday

Well it's not today.

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

I'll try to translate a joke from my language..

So this blonde goes to the Doctor for a checkup so doc starts asking her:

Age? She starts counting using her fingers, says 22 !

Height? She sees a measuring type of about 5 meters, takes it barely gets to measuring and says 1.75

Then the Doc says, ok could I have your FIRSt nam...

Hardest person to sing happy birthday to...

Tu YouYou (Chinese Nobel laureate)

My Uncle Jackie turned 80 years young today. He loves telling jokes. Here is one he tells every Thanksgiving, and it gets a huge laugh every time. Enjoy, and Happy birthday Uncle Jackie!

A 75 year old man, his hair is completely white, marries a 22 year old girl and she gets pregnant. Nine months later he is siting in the maternity ward, talking to the nurse.

"Hey! Well how'd I do?"

The nurse says "she had twins!"

"Hehehe! Just goes to show, even if there is ...

Happy birthday to Frank Zamboni

A revolutionary inventor, despite being dead for almost 40 years, his name still resurfaces.

Happy birthday!

A drug dealer has been in prison for a few years, when he seemingly has a change of heart and asks to speak with a DEA agent.

He says to the agent, "My father's got a farm out in the country. Behind this house, there's a big ole wood pile. I hit a stash of money and drugs inside one of the l...

- Happy birthday Jimmy !!

\-Thank you a lot Emily, I can't wait to see what's my gift.

\-Well, since you're 18 now, I wanted to give you something special, it starts with an "F" and ends with "uck"!

\-OMG!! I'm getting a firetruck!

How Rednecks Get Things Done

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for ...

Happy Birthday Old Man

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes...


He then said, " You know, one would have been enough."

All 8 planets are singing Happy Birthday to the Sun and it sounds terrible.

Everyone turns to Earth and Earth says, "don't look at me, I'm not flat"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad is 88 today. Here is one he used to tell all the time. Happy Birthday dad!

A farmer needed to castrate his bull.

After a search of many options including the local veternarians he decides to go with the guy with the cheapest price.
The next day a man shows up with a briefcase and opens it and the farmer is surprised at what's inside. The fellow pulls two bricks ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why I’m getting a divorce

I woke up the morning of my 43rd birthday. Expecting something similar to previous years, I freshened up and walked into the kitchen. To my surprise and disappointment, my wife did not acknowledge my birthday at all. Even my kids had forgotten and didn’t say anything. I little taken back. I complete...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hello Willie

An old bloke woke up to celebrate 92nd birthday and spoke to his toes.

He said, “Hello toes! How are you? You know, you're 92 today. Oh the times we’ve had! Remember we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!”
...

Happy birthday to both reddit and planned parenthood...

My favorite two things keeping me from getting a girl pregnant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

whenever someone says happy birthday....

all I hear is "Happy anniversary of the day your face rubbed your moms vagina"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde girl.

I said to a blonde girl, I bet you a blowjob I can sing a song with your name in it, no way says the blonde, my name is Chantelle, so I bet you, Ok I said here we go....

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Chantelle happy blow job for me...

A guy and his date decide to go to Lovers Lane.

It’s their third date and the guy is really excited to take things to the next level, but they’re both clearly kind of shy about it. So after they park, he asks if she wants to make out. She agrees enthusiastically, and they start kissing.

After a little bit, he pauses and says “hey, do you w...

Happy Birthday to anyone who was born today! Sorry your birthday had to be

Overshadowed.

Mom - Happy Birthday Sweetheart...

Daughter - Thanks Mom, And I need to tell you something..

Mom - What is it darling. You can tell me anything...

Daughter - Since It’s my 17th Birthday, Tonight I’m going to sleep with my boyfriend Jacob.

Mom - Ohh darling. If that’s makes you happy then I don’t mind at a...

I overheard it was my co-worker’s birthday tomorrow so I wished her a happy birthday eve.

She said her name is Claire and her birthday is actually tomorrow.

There was once a man who got a divorce...

And there was a very good reason for it.

See, he woke up on the morning of his birthday and went downstairs for breakfast. He ate his breakfast, grabbed his packed lunch and coffee, grabbed his car keys, and took off to work. He was absolutely appalled, however, that not his wife or any of hi...

Happy Birthday Ray Rice!

I offered to bring punch to the party but, his wife said she already had enough.

They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective

Don't believe me? Just wash

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m no longer a 32 year old virgin!

Happy birthday to me!...

::sniffle::

What did the pillar say when he forgot to wish his friend happy birthday?

I'll column later.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hi Lads.

I've got a load of Victoria Secret Bra sets just arrived which will make a lovely Birthday present.

If you can send me a picture of your wife or girlfriends tits, I'll let you know if I have any that will fit.

Wish her a happy Birthday from me..

Bob and a few of his coworkers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"

Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birth...

Tell me your name and I guarantee you I can sing you a song with your name in it

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear _____, happy birthday to you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The reason why I am getting a divorce..

On my birthday, my wife didn't acknowledge my birthday, my son didn't acknowledge my birthday, my coworkers didn't acknowledge my birthday.

When my manager called me in, she said happy birthday. I said oh! Thanks!

Then she said, wanna get some lunch? And i was like, ok....

Then ...

I can see why Paul Walker jokes aren't funny anymore.

Poor guy can't catch a "brake".









(P.S. Happy Birthday Paul Walker. I wish u were still here)

What do you call a circle of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins!


(Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!)

Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?” The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. “Um ... 22.” The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And ...

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday, Bill”

First attempt at writing a joke!

I started a new job this week.

On my first day it was my co-worker Frank's birthday; we gathered around his desk to sing happy birthday and share a cake.

Just as we finished singing the office door slammed open.

In strides a creature: upper body of a man, lower body of a hors...

Yesterday was my birthday

...and it was like every other day. I woke up and went downstairs, the wife made me coffee and breakfast but didn't wish me a happy birthday.

I helped get the kids ready for school and dropped them off on the way to work, but they didn't wish me a happy birthday either.

I thought I w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two jokes that you will thank me for telling you

**The first joke can only be told by someone with a penis**

Call up a friend and say "Hey man/woman, i got a joke and it's a two parter. The first part of the joke is, what has a small dick and hangs down?" Regardless of their answer, it's a bat. Then say, "What has a big dick and hangs up?" ...

George Burns is greeted on his 90th birthday...

...by three scantily clad and drop dead gorgeous women. They prepare to sing him Happy Birthday, but he cuts them off to say:

"I'm sorry, girls, one of you will have to come back tomorrow."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Practicing on the Old Oak Tree

On his 13th birthday, a boy says to his father, "Dad, I'm 13 now, and I think I'm old enough to be with a woman."

"Son, you're not ready yet, but I want you to practice everyday on the old oak tree in the yard. You'll be ready soon."

On his 16th birthday, the boy says to his father, "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today is 4/20 and we all know what that means -

Happy birthday, Adolf Hitler!

What song should every person hear before they die?

Happy Birthday

As the group of people finished their demonic chanting...

they stabbed an object, lying on the table, feeding it to someone.








♫ Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you ♫

"I'm 29 years old today..."

"I'm 29 years old today," said Ralph, setting a box of donuts on the table in the office. His coworkers all wished him a happy birthday.

Next day, Ralph's secretary answers the phone...

"Hello, my name is Carl. I'm Ralph's brother in law, and I'd like to wish Ralph a happy birthday," s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guess how old I am?

In this small retirement home, there was an old lady who just turned 68 years old. She decided to go visit the other dorms so that the residents could wish her a happy birthday.

The first room she goes to there was another old lady drinking tea. "It's my birthday!" said the birthday lady. "Wi...

Why he left his last job

So I was talking to my new colleague about why he left his last job. He said "Well here's the story. Last week was my birthday. But neither my children nor my wife wished me. I went to work, and my friends and colleagues also ignored me. I was feeling pretty down in the dumps. But then my beautiful ...

21 Today

A fella was sitting at a quiet bar enjoying a beer. He started singing the first two lines of the song "21 today, 21 today" over and over. The barman overheard and asked, "Hey mate are you really 21 today?" "Sure am!" He replied. The barman said "Your beers today are on the house! Enjoy!"

Aft...

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

I got burned pretty badly... On my birthday no less...

Last Monday was my birthday. One of my sister's friends was at my house and asked how old I was. I told her, "42."

"Wow! You don't look a day over 50!"

So, yeah... Happy birthday...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.