Happy Birthday Jokes

You won't catch me doing that today.

Why did I get divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy bi... read more

I wish I could remember why he's famous but my knowledge of his work is a little spotty.

Well it's not today.

Tu YouYou (Chinese Nobel laureate)

It's your birthday and the only ones who wish you happy birthday are your doctors.

(Not so much a joke. It's my birthday and guess who wished me happy birthday so far.)

So this blonde goes to the Doctor for a checkup so doc starts asking her:

Age? She starts counting using her fingers, says 22 !

Height? She sees a measuring type of about 5 meters, takes it barely gets to measuring and says 1.75

Then the Doc says, ok could I have your FIRSt nam... read more

A revolutionary inventor, despite being dead for almost 40 years, his name still resurfaces.

\-Thank you a lot Emily, I can't wait to see what's my gift.

\-Well, since you're 18 now, I wanted to give you something special, it starts with an "F" and ends with "uck"!

\-OMG!! I'm getting a firetruck!

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for ... read more

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes...


He then said, " You know, one would have been enough."

It’s their third date and the guy is really excited to take things to the next level, but they’re both clearly kind of shy about it. So after they park, he asks if she wants to make out. She agrees enthusiastically, and they start kissing.

After a little bit, he pauses and says “hey, do you w... read more

A drug dealer has been in prison for a few years, when he seemingly has a change of heart and asks to speak with a DEA agent.

He says to the agent, "My father's got a farm out in the country. Behind this house, there's a big ole wood pile. I hit a stash of money and drugs inside one of the l... read more

Overshadowed.

My favorite two things keeping me from getting a girl pregnant.

Daughter - Thanks Mom, And I need to tell you something..

Mom - What is it darling. You can tell me anything...

Daughter - Since It’s my 17th Birthday, Tonight I’m going to sleep with my boyfriend Jacob.

Mom - Ohh darling. If that’s makes you happy then I don’t mind at a... read more

Everyone turns to Earth and Earth says, "don't look at me, I'm not flat"

She said her name is Claire and her birthday is actually tomorrow.

And there was a very good reason for it.

See, he woke up on the morning of his birthday and went downstairs for breakfast. He ate his breakfast, grabbed his packed lunch and coffee, grabbed his car keys, and took off to work. He was absolutely appalled, however, that not his wife or any of hi... read more

Don't believe me? Just wash

I'll column later.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"

Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birth... read more

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear _____, happy birthday to you.

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday, Bill”

"I'm 29 years old today," said Ralph, setting a box of donuts on the table in the office. His coworkers all wished him a happy birthday.

Next day, Ralph's secretary answers the phone...

"Hello, my name is Carl. I'm Ralph's brother in law, and I'd like to wish Ralph a happy birthday," s... read more

I offered to bring punch to the party but, his wife said she already had enough.

Aretha Franklins!


(Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!)

...by three scantily clad and drop dead gorgeous women. They prepare to sing him Happy Birthday, but he cuts them off to say:

"I'm sorry, girls, one of you will have to come back tomorrow."

Poor guy can't catch a "brake".









(P.S. Happy Birthday Paul Walker. I wish u were still here)

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?” The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. “Um ... 22.” The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And ... read more

I started a new job this week.

On my first day it was my co-worker Frank's birthday; we gathered around his desk to sing happy birthday and share a cake.

Just as we finished singing the office door slammed open.

In strides a creature: upper body of a man, lower body of a hors... read more

Happy Birthday

they stabbed an object, lying on the table, feeding it to someone.








♫ Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you ♫

A fella was sitting at a quiet bar enjoying a beer. He started singing the first two lines of the song "21 today, 21 today" over and over. The barman overheard and asked, "Hey mate are you really 21 today?" "Sure am!" He replied. The barman said "Your beers today are on the house! Enjoy!"

Aft... read more

So I was talking to my new colleague about why he left his last job. He said "Well here's the story. Last week was my birthday. But neither my children nor my wife wished me. I went to work, and my friends and colleagues also ignored me. I was feeling pretty down in the dumps. But then my beautiful ... read more

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p... read more

Last Monday was my birthday. One of my sister's friends was at my house and asked how old I was. I told her, "42."

"Wow! You don't look a day over 50!"

So, yeah... Happy birthday...