Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the scientists that successfully cross bred a duck with a golden retriever?

The results were good, but she was a foul bitch.

The Golden State Warriors just suffered the second biggest sports collapse to date...

First probably has to go to Notre Dame.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An electrician comes home to his wife after working a job at a millionaires house...

He says to his wife “honey you will not believe this, the house I worked at today had a golden toilet.”

She says “Really? I need to see this.”

They take a ride across the neighborhood and pull up in front of a huge house.

The electrician knocks on the door, a woman answers and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fishing man catches a golden fish and sets him free

The thankful fish grants the kind man three wishes, but adds that whatever the man wishes for, his arch enemy gets the double amout of it.
"OK, I wish that I had 10 million Dollars!"
"Here we go!" the fish answers. "But your arch enemy has now 20 million Dollars."
"I wish I had 20 female at...

Golden Toilet

Two colleagues, Elon and Felix, meet after work and Felix is all excited: "Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude's house who had toilet made of gold!"
"You're kidding!".
"Nope" said Felix as he took Elon to the house.
They rang the doorbell and a middle-ag...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Golden State Warriors flew to Jamaica to play an exhibition game against a local team.

The Warriors kept on losing the ball and missing easy shots. Kerr, the Warriors' coach was furious, but the players said that the balls were too small, and kept slipping out of their hands.

​

By the end of the half, they were down by 20 points, with Steph Curry, the Warri...

A man walks by a pet shop and sees a cat drinking from an expensive looking, golden bowl

the man wants the bowl but he knows that he can't just steal it, so he walks into the shop with the cat in his hand.

Man: How much do you take for this cat?

Seller: Oh, sorry, it's not for sale.

Man: What about 20 euros?

Seller: Okay, it's yours.

Man: Can I also ha...

What did the treasure hunter say when he finally found the map of the Golden City?

Atlas!

It was a golden era when there was no internet

In those days, only your family and friends knew how stupid you are.

(Stolen but golden) Stevie Wonder is in the recording studio at the end of a long hard day.

He's chewing the fat with a few of the technicians.

One of them asks:

“It must be hard being blind Stevie.”

To which Stevie replies:

“Yep, it's hard but at least I'm not black.”

My wife and I are finally planning a trip to San Francisco for my life long dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.

She said, “What are you going to do when you finally see it?”

I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”

The Golden Rat

One day a man walks into an antique shop and inquires about a small statue of a rat made of gold. The owner replies “Ah yes that item. The rat is fascinating but beware of the consequences, and you must know we have a no-returns policy.”

The man is fine with this and pays for the item and lea...

Silence is golden. Unless you have teenagers.

Then it becomes suspicious.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Golden Wedding Anniversary

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple.'
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Golden showers result in one thing

Getting pissed

Chicks dig golden retrievers

One can even say they are "Gold Diggers"

The golden urinal

Late one night, a husband returned home from the bar. His wife woke up, and turned on the lights, angry her husband was out late drinking again.
“Where were you”
“Just wait, Honey! I can explain. I didn’t go to my normal bar tonight. I went to this really fancy one with urinals made of gold”...

What do you call a golden Nintendo switch

Auswitch

The hidden golden toilet

Two friends, Barry and Larry, meet up at the restaurant for lunch and order some food.

While eating, Barry talks about what happened to him a few nights ago:

“Man, you’re never going to believe me: on Thursday night after being quite drunk, I ended up in a bar where if you order the st...

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The Golden Bar

Three guys go out to a a bar, called The Golden Bar. They have a great time, have too much to drink but agree to meet back there the next day.

The next night, they take seats at the bar and start talking about the previous night. They start talking about the gold theme and asking the bartende...

Golden toilets

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”

“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t be...

How is hummus like a golden shower?

They're both made of chickpea.

Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that...

She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."

A son of a wealthy arab prince goes to college in europe

After a few months he gets a letter from his father asking how he is, and how's college life, etc.

And he replies to his father: "oh, everything is fine here, but it is really strange, most people here come to college by train and bus, and I'm the only one driving a golden Ferrari every day t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Drinking At The Golden Bar

A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!"
This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Y...

Silence is golden...

... duct tape is silver.

Many Chinese restaurants have names like, Golden Palace, Golden Lotus, Golden Dragon...

But mine is named after my favourite dish, Golden Retriever.

They say the golden wind comes in during this month...

Au gust

What do you call a Golden retriever at a costume party?

A Golden deceiver

I’m trying to remember that movie where the golden retriever becomes an audio technician...

Was it... Ear Bud?

The Bar with the Golden Toilet

A guy is recounting his previous night's drunken adventure to his buddy.

"I'm telling ya man. This is the best bar in the whole city. Every Friday night they have all you can drink specials for $2. And the best part... a sorority house is right next door and the place is just filled with youn...

A guy is walking along a beach when he stubs his toe on a golden lamp...

..chuckling to himself he picks it up and gives it a rub. Fwoosh, out pops this enormous genie.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp!" he booms, "I will grant you a single wish for releasing me!"

"Wow! I know exactly what I'd like to wish for," exclaims our hero. "I've always wanted to visit Di...

[So proud, my 8yo made this up at Golden Corral last night....] What kind of pasta do you make yourself?

Make-your-owni

A man is walking on the beach when he spots a golden bottle.

He walks over to the bottle and opens it to see if anything is inside. Out of nowhere a genie comes out. The genie says “I will grant you any three wishes but whatever you wish for, I will grant your worst enemy double. The man agrees to the genie’s terms and asks for his first wish. “I want a lot o...

Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did."

Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."

I came out to my girlfriend about being a golden shower fanatic today...

I told her straight up, “Either urine, or you’re out!”

What do you get if you combine a dog and a tv aerial?

A Golden Receiver!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Golden Toilet

Dugly goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn’t remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.

He walks...

A Golden Oldie Blonde joke...

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a t...

Did you hear about the golden shower club...

Once you're in, urine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when a guy gives his mother a golden shower?

An Oedipiss.

[OC] You should try and live by the golden rule, treat others how you wish to be treated.

With your WORDS Antony, not actual touching.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys wandering beside a cliff find a golden lamp...

...one of the guys pick it and cleans it and because he rubbed it with his shirt, a genie pops out. He says to the 3 guys: “because you have woken me to see the world once more, I will grant each of you 1 wish. However you must jump and leap into your wish near the grass here!”

Filled with ex...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into a fancy restaurant

When he gets to his table he sees that they have gold plate and says
"wow this restaurant has gold plates how fancy."
Then he sees that they also have gold silverware and says
"Wow they also have gold silverware how fancy."
After that he goes to the bathroom and sees they also have gold...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS : Buddy, the golden retriever from "Air Bud", makes his response to the accusations of sex assault

"I don't even know that bitch"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Golden toilets

A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender ...

The 2 Golden Rules of Religion

1) Be kind to other people.

2) KILL THE FILTHY INFIDELS!!!!

Welcome to the 2018 Golden Globes

Where Hollywood will pat itself on the back and several men will pat Hollywood on the front

Once upon a time in an old magical kingdom, there lived an young monk called Sam...

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral
singing. They trained, hours every day, refining
their voices and their art. Their song floated
down the mountainside, enriching the lives and
souls of the townspeople below

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th
birthday,...

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

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The Golden Toilet

Jim and Jenny just came back from an amazing party and had a really great time. The hosts were relatively wealthy people and had spent quite an amount for the celebration.

Jim has not even taken off his shoes when Jenny excitedly says, 'Jim, did you notice that the toilet was made of gold? G...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fisherman caught the golden shark

*Please let me go and I`ll have you one wish come true*, said the shark.

*I want my dick to be so long that it reaches the ground*, answered the fisherman.

*Ok*, said the shark and bit his legs.

Three guys die...

and Saint Peter stops them at the Golden Gates. He tells them, "Depending how faithful you were to your wife, depends what kind of car you drive across the Golden Bridge to heaven."

​

First guy says, "I was married 10 years and only cheated three times."

&#x200B;<...

Goose that gave golden eggs

A hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught. He met a scammer from another village on the way. The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter. Scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg everyday and now hunter must compensate him for his...

I really hope there are no Golden Globe winners

working in the Flat Earth Society.

Silence is golden

And it just so happens that duck tape is silver. Either way you will get silence

A Texas man asked his wife on their golden anniversary: Have you ever cheated on me in our 50 years together?

So a Texas man asked his wife on their golden anniversary: Have you ever cheated on me on our 50 years together?

His wife answers: Remember that time you wen to take a loan from the bank to buy our house, but they didn't give you one then suddenly the ban's CEO personally came and gave you th...

Once I was in San Francisco walking along the Golden Gate Bridge when I saw this guy about to jump

(Stolen from elsewhere on Reddit)
"Once I was in San Francisco, walking along the Golden Gate Bridge when I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I thought I would try to stall him long enough for me to put the film in my camera

* I said, "Don't jump! ..."
* He said, "All my life peop...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other.

One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a mo...

Consent is golden. Duct tape is sliver.

And sometimes, you gotta come in second place.

I'm really disappointed after hearing about Trump and the golden shower thing.

I thought we had seen the end of republican trickle down economics.

A golden retriever walks into a bar

Stop reading if you heard this one before. The dog sits at the bar, locks eyes with the bartender and wearily says "One beer, one shot, please."

The bartender says "Holy moly! A talking dog! You should be in the circus, buddy!"

The goldie says "Why? Do they need an electrician?"

The Golden Mouse

I was playing Terraria when I caught a golden mouse. I told my wife, 'I just caught a punchline.'

'What do you mean.'

'I caught a golden mouse. It's the punchline to any number of racist jokes.'

'Really?'

So I went into the one I knew best.

A man is having mouse pr...

A scientist dies and goes to the Golden Gates.

A scientist dies and goes to the Golden Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. The poor scientist has never believed but was a good man, so St. Peter is conflicted. He eventually decides to send the man to Hell. He is initially very frightened because, well, it's hell, but he eventuall...

Did you hear Donald Trump is installing golden showers in all his hotels?

He's really Putin on the Ritz

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Has anyone seen Trump's golden shower sex tape?

I heard it leaked.

Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump...

Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump, so I approached him and said, “Don’t jump!”



And he said, “I’ve got nothing to live for and no one cares about me in the slightest.”



So I replied, “You’re forgetting about God.”



The man s...

A guy with bad luck goes fishing and catches a golden fish

This might work better at /r/dadjokes since my dad told me this one but what the hell

So the fish says to him that he would usually get 3 wishes,but since he has such bad luck he gets one, so he starts thinking about what to wish for and he says to the fish: "I wanna be a prince!" and the fis...

I saw someone robbing a store and went to stop him. He hit me with a bag of golden coins.

I guess you could say I had some cents knocked into me.

How do you make golden soup?

Add 24 karats

Zolota Rybka: Golden Fish Ukrainian Joke

One day a Ukrainian and a Russian are out fishing, when the Russian got a tug on his line. He struggled to bring it ashore and saw it was the Golden Fish. The fish told him "I will give each of you two wishes if you throw me back." The Two fellows agreed. The Russian went first, "I wish that only **...

Don't let the Golden State Warriors blowing a 3 - 1 lead in the NBA finals..

..distract you from the fact that the British blew a 13 colony lead in 1776

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Saturday Night Live is in a new golden era"

I bought a dictionary the other day, the SNL edition. Oddly enough the page containing the word 'subtlety' was missing.

The tale of the Golden Urinal

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golde...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese man decides to do some travelling in Africa

A few days into his journey, he came across a tribe not far from a large and dense rain-forest. The tribe leader was ecstatic that someone of Asian descent was at his tribe. They quickly exchanged names and the tribe leader offered to give a quick tour of the rain-forest nearby.

Sato was amaz...

Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car crash on the Golden Gate Bridge?

He left his heart in San Francisco.

An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.

He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven. In no time at all there's only one person in tront of him.

St Peter tells the man "ah yes, state your name and occupation"
The man replies " Will Snikket, taxi driver in New York City"
St Peter looks at his lis...

My girlfriend likes golden meteor showers

(I have kidney stones)

New movie coming out about a golden retriever who helps a deaf boy.

It's called "Ear Bud."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two wolves are chasing a Golden Retriever through the forest.

After an hour, the first wolf says to the second wolf, "Ain't this a bitch?"

To which the second wolf responds, "It had better be".