Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Sorry, I suffer from premature congratulation.

Happy new year 2019 guys!!!

Posted via Internet Explorer

Happy New Year 2010!!

Sent from IE browser

I had a guy tell me Happy New Year but he said "see you in 2020."

Either he had the year wrong, or he made a comment on his fantastic vision.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! My resolutions are:

1) Stop writing lists.

B) Be more consistent.

7) Learn to count.

Happy New Years 2013!

Hey guys I'm sending this through Internet Explorer, hope you guys had a great 2012!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

If I intentionally or unintentionally hurt you in any way during 2016, just know that I'm really sorry. I'm really grateful to have you in my life and just know that I'm never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
Never gonna ma...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Happy New Year...

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, two days ...

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks


" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and...

What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper?

A fizzician!


I’ll see myself out






Edit: I guess adding mentos to this joke was a good idea...

Thanks for the gold and silvers!

Happy New Years y’all!

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I am so constipated.

I have not taken a shit since 2020.

***HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM AUSTRALIA. MAY YOU ALL STAY HEALTHY AND SHIT WELL.***

β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–€β–€β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘
β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–€β–€β–€β–€β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–„β–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘
β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–β–‘β–‘β–‘
░░░░░░▐▐░░░░░░░░░▄░▐░░░
β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–€β–€β–‘β–β–‘β–‘β–‘
░░░░▄▀░░░░░░░░▐░▄▄▀░░░░ ...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

Tattoo

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tat...

A toast for tonight!

2020 is hindsight!

Happy New Years!

Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?

Because today they got into a fight, and 2021!

Happy new year y’all!

Break a leg everyone!

I was going to say 'Happy New Year', but I tried that last time, and it it didn't go very well

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.

Happy New Year 2016 everyone.

Early Celebrations

I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th


Why?

Because I like to reduce fractions.

Happy New Year

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people.

So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution.


Happy new year!

Why did the tomato blush? (I need other food grocery themed jokes too please!)

Because he saw the salad dressing! I am a cashier at a grocery store and need new food themed jokes! Please and thank you so much!!! I love you reddit fam happy new year!

Three Nuns and Saint Peter

Three little nuns were tragically killed in a car crash this past weekend. Being devout followers of the faith, their souls floated up to heaven.

The three see the Pearly Gates and begin to approach the massive structure only to be stopped by Saint Peter.

Saint Peter explains, "The Bos...

This is the last time you will ever hear this joke and have it make sense

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Yourself: I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

Happy new year everyone. I'm sorry to all those who are in the future right now who can't enjoy this joke.

I know the secret to leaving a casino with a small fortune

Walk in with a big fortune.
Happy new year

All Pedro wanted was weeweechu

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's lo ok at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch...

What did the blind paraplegic child get for Christmas?

Cancer.


Happy new years folks!

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