UPJOKE
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Fluffy Jokes

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

I hate hotel towels....So thick and fluffy.

I can't even close my suitcase.

What kind of bird becomes fluffy and absorbent if you put tea in front of it?

An owl.

What's green and fluffy?

Red fluff, if you're color blind.

Whats pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff. Whats blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath

Fluffy's In Heat

Little Sally asks her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block. He tells her no, because Fluffy was in heat.

Little Sally asks, "What does in heat mean?"

Without any explanation, her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it. He told h...

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During sex, my girlfriend yelled Hurt me! Hurt me!

So I said, “it’s a real shame Fluffy got run over by that car”

Alas Fluffy, we knew him well.

I found my German Shepherd with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died of natural cau...

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Fluffy Toys

A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him
back to her place for the night. She still lived with
her parents, but they were out of town, so this was
the perfect opportunity.

They got back to her house and they went into her bedroom.
When guy walked in the door, he notice...

What is White, Fluffy and swings through a cake shop?

A Merangue-utang :-D

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

How did Pavlov keep his dogs so fluffy?

He used conditioner on them.

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation....

and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntl...

Best joke from Carson’s couch

Caller: Fluffy just died

Brother: what’s the matter with you!
You know I loved that cat.
You should have prepared me for it. Today you could have said Fluffy is on the roof and we can’t get her down. then tomorrow you could tell me she fell.
The next day you could say Fluffy is at ...

What's angry, fluffy and destructive and gathers inside stringed instruments?

Violint

A little girl walk into a pet shop...

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks for a bunny. The worker says” the fluffy white one or the fluffy brown one”? The girl then says, I don’t think my python really cares.

NOT a dad joke

Dad comes home from work 1 day and his daughter meets him at the door crying. Daddy something is very wrong with Fluffy. Dad asks her to show him. There is Fluffy in the middle of the floor laying on his back stiff as a board. Dad says I'm so sorry muffin but Fluffy has gone to visit God. Muffin ask...

Lady brings a bunny into a vet's waiting room.

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fl...

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Bear and Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the forest, and the bear turned to the rabbit and said, we eat a lot of the same things, I'm curious, does shit stick to your fur? The rabbit replied, the one good thing about being so fluffy is shit never sticks to my fur. With that the bear promptly picked...

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[NSFW] My dog will give you a bl** job

A man was driving on a desert road and saw a sign "my dog will give you a blow job for $20 - get the secondary road in 10 miles". He was very intrigued by that sign but kept driving. Five miles down, he saw the same sign again, saying to take the secondary road in 5 miles.

Intrigued by that h...

My cat peed on my brand new expensive backpack so I had to throw it away.

I’ll miss you, Fluffy.

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The British, American and Russian intelligence services have a spy-off

The rules are simple: a rabbit is released into a forest, and whoever finds and brings it back the fastest, wins.

The Brit goes first. He first phones some arborial informants, then dons a disguise: sporting a pair of bunny ears, a fluffy tail sticking out of his ass, skimpy black dress, full...

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A new mutant is trying to join the X-Men.

To join, he must complete an interview with Professor X.

"What's your superpower?" asks Professor X.

"I can pull a rabbit out of my hat!" says the young man. He takes off his hat, and pulls out a fluffy white rabbit.

Professor X gets up, walks over, and examines the rabbit car...

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Walking past the Intensive Care Unit, I heard Kanye's latest album blaring over the intercom.

I guess its true, Covid does affect your taste.

(Inspired by: u/FluffyTid)

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A bear climbs up a tree in a man's backyard and won't get down so he calls animal control...

An animal control van pulls up and a man steps out with a pitbull by his side. He comes up to the owner, hands him a semi-automatic rifle and says: "Here is the plan, I climb up the tree and start shaking it, when the bear falls out, my pitbull Fluffy here will bite him by the balls and drag him bac...

John and Sam were brothers.

Neither were married. John lived with their mother and Sam lived with his beloved cat.

One day, Sam learned that he had to go out of town for business. Not wanting to leave Fluffy alone for two weeks, he asked John to watch her. John agreed, and Sam brought her over a few days later.
...

A first grade teacher was trying to teach her students about animals

She said "What does the fat Cow give us?"
Her students shouted out "Milk!" Unanimously.
She then said "Well done! Now, what does the fluffy chicken give us?"
Her students responded with "Eggs!"
She then said "Good work! Now for the last question. What does the big pig give...

A little girl goes to the pet store

She ask the owner of the store if he has any bunnies.

“Well sure sweetie!” He says and takes her to where the bunnies are, “I have a few different bunnies I have this white one with floppy ears, or this fluffy little brown one, or I even have this cute one with black spots! What kind of bunny...

My cat just passed...

RIP Fluffy McMittens

2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2017

I bought my girlfriend a petticoat.

It keeps telling all her other coats that they're too fluffy.

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

A man goes on vacation and leaves his cat with his brother

He's gone for a few days and decides that he misses his furry friend, so he calls his brother up to check on her. His brother answers the phone.

"Hey! I'm just calling to check on how Fluffy's doing without me"

His brother on the other end gets quiet before saying, "I dont know how t...

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Tickle Me Elmo Factory

The Tickle Me Elmo factory has just hired a new employee, and today's her first day on the job. The plant manager gives her a quick tour of the assembly line, then shows the employee her station at the end of the line where she will be operating. The morning whistle blows and production on the line ...

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Norm MacDonald dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan.

"Oh no!!", he says, "Am I in Hell?"

"Yes," replies Satan, "but it's not as bad as you think. I'll show you the joint."

Norm looks around, notices that they are standing in a lush green field, with bountiful fruit trees, and fluffy clouds in an azure sky.

Satan says, "Not bad ri...

[Long] Story about soldier and friend

A soldier named Peter is deployed overseas for war and stay in contact with his friend Ben by writing letters.

In the first letter to the soldier:

Dear Pete:
I’m sorry to say, but your favorite cat Fluffy keeled
over dead yesterday.
Sincerely,
Ben

Peter is obviousl...

So after serving overseas for 6 months a soldier calls home...

...his brother picks up the phone, they say their hellos and ask how each other are doing. The soldier then asks how everything is with the rest of the family. The brother says, "Well, the cat died."
The soldier is shocked by this and answers, "You can't just drop that on me, you need to ease m...

A man jumps on a bed

A man jumps on a bed expecting it to be soft and fluffy...

\*Wham!\*
Instead he experienced a very firm landing.
\*Owww!\*
I think this memory foam has amnesia!

A blind rabbit and a blind snake have been friends for years

One day, they decide to feel each other over so they can tell each other what animal they are.

The snake feels across the rabbits body and says "hmm, long ears, fluffy tail, big feet... you must be a bunny."

The rabbit feels the snake and says "cold, slimy, forked tongue, no balls... y...

An Englishman and a Laotian go on a business trip together

The Englishman stops by the hotel room of his co-worker and mentions "The pillows here at the hotel are terrible. They are too big and fluffy and my neck really hurts this morning."

The Laotian says "I noticed, so I made my own pillow by getting feathers from the birds on the roof. Here try...

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Some woman knocked on my door earlier..

Some woman knocked on my door earlier and said that she had lost her dog.

She said, "If you help me find it I will let you fuck my fanny all night long."

I said, "What does it look like?"

She said, "It's a big, black, fluffy thing."

I said, "No thanks love, I'll give it a...

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[OC] A gorgeous bartender puts up a sign that says “Men: ask me about your beards”

The first day a man walks up to the bar, orders his drink, then inquires about the sign. “What did you wanna know about my beard?”, the man with a long fluffy beard asks.

“Well darlin, I’m lookin’ for a special kind of man”, the bartender says. “The kind that can tickle the inside of my thig...

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This dude dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter sees him show up and says “Holy shit, you’re the first person that’s ever come up here that’s exactly at 50% good and 50% evil. Not sure if I should send you to Heaven or Hell. This is crazy. Tell you what, since you’re exactly even I’m gonna let you choose”.

The dude says “Oh, wow...

What kind of story does a rabbit tell?

A fluffy tale.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson was taking the train

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson was taking the train one day when they passed a huge flock of sheep in a field. As quickly as they had observed the fluffy cloud it had passed out of view.

"So many sheep!" Watson exclaimed. "I wonder how many there were?"

"Elementary, Dear Watson. There ...

Talking with animals.

A princess was passing by a small farm and sees the farmer taking care of his animals, she then decide to have a little chat.


Princess: Good morning Mr. Farmer, that's a cute dog that you have! Mind if I speak with him?

The farmer, a bit confused: Of course, but I'm afraid my dog c...

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A meeting with my therapist

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

Therapist: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it's fluffy, I just let it hit me...

Guy jumps out of a plane.

a man that was about to jump out of a plane asks his instructor one last time "what happens if the parachute doesn't open" the instructor says "that is very unlikely, but if it happens, put your hands together and say Buddha Buddha Buddha" the guy thinks that is strange and jumps out of the plane an...

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The devil was feeling generous one day

So he decided to give three guys a chance to leave hell and make it to heaven.

"See that ladder over there?" he asked them, pointing to an ornate golden ladder reaching up out of the flames and into white fluffy clouds beyond.

"If you can make it to the top without laughing, I'll let h...

counting sheep

So sick of hearing blonde jokes, a blonde cut her long hair and dyed it brown.

The next day she drove out into the countryside where she came upon a flock of sheep crossing the road. Stopping her car to watch the fluffy flock, she called out to the shepherd, "Your sheep are so cute. If I gues...

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How to cook leftovers

Ingredients:

1 cup unsalted butter, softened
1 cup sugar
Pinch of salt
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
5 eggs
2 cups cake flour

STEP ONE- Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.

STEP TWO- Place the butter and sugar in a mixing bowl after greasing the cake pan and beat them ...

A doctor, a priest and a model are driving.

So the three of them are driving on a country road, when they hit a bunny. They stop and get out, overwhelmed with sympathy for their fluffy victim, it lies motionless on the road


The doctor draws on all his skills to try and get the bunny up again, but to no avail. The priest kneels down...

Cat Joke

A man goes on a business trip and has his best friend watch his cat. In the middle of his trip, he calls to check on things, but his friend says, "Yeah, your cat died."

So the man gets upset. "You can't just say that! You should have broke it to me slowly. Like, this time, you could have said...

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Not the top shelf

So, the story goes that my (admittedly funny) ex boyfriend met a very attractive lady back in 1992 who worked at a large amusement park, as a stall holder of the type with the guns and the targets and the huge adult size cuddly bears on the top prize shelf. You know the kind, right?

However s...

Neighbor's Rabbit

I came home from work to find my dog playing with a fluffy toy, tossing it in the air, rolling on in, etc. A closer check revealed the toy to be my neighbour's pet rabbit.

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There was already a bit of tension between us and the neighbours, so I didn't want them to know my do...

A rabbit and a worm, both blind from birth, run into each other in the forest..

The rabbit hurriedly apologizes stating that he was born blind and never meant to cause any trouble.

The worm quickly responds that he too was born blind and, on top of it all, was abandoned so he did not even know what he was.

Not believing his luck, the rabbit responds that he too d...

The leaders of the Big Three after the conference in Yalta

After WW2 in 1945 the leaders of the Big Three(USA, UK and the Soviet Union) respectively Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin met in Yalta for a conference to decide the fate of the world.

After the conference they wanted to have some fun. They decided to try and make the Persian cat in the resid...

The Haircut!

Female version:

First Woman: Oh, you got a haircut! That's so cute!

Second Woman: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy-looking?

First Woman: Oh Goodness, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, b...

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Emotion Party (rated M for mature themes)

Jim wanted to spice things up for his 25th birthday party and decided that it should be an Emotion Party. He instructed his guests to come dressed as an emotion.

The first guest to arrive was dressed in green and snarled at Jim.

"I've come as Envy!" the guest declared.

The sec...

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The Muff Puff

So there was this married couple and the husband was a drunk. He would constantly drink and end up get abusive towards his wife.

So one day the wife gets fed up and decides she is going to go to the pet store and get something that will help defend herself. When she gets to the store an empl...

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