A restaurant served me soggy spaghetti

So I put in a re-straining order.

I wish my cereal didn't get soggy so fast.

But Life is often disappointing.

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3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

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A drunk guy walks into a bar...

A drunk man walks into the bar all messed up and says “Bartender, get me a drink quick!” The bartender says, “What’s your problem” The drunk mumbles, “Well I was standin on the corner, minding my business, all of a sudden, big truck came by and knocked my dong off into the gutter!” Bartender says, “...

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Do you have the Lady Gaga Oreos?

Customer: Excuse me, do you have new Lady Gaga Oreos?

Employee: I'm sorry, we only have the Cardi B ones.

Customer: What's that like?

Employee: Soggy. It's a wet-ass cookie.

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

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A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole.

A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole full of sewage.

He starts cursing and storms out of the outhouse.

His buddy looks at him and asks “what’s wrong? What happened??”

“Well I was in there taking a dump and ...

An optimist tries to cheer up his friend (long)

OK, this was way better in the original Russian, but I'm gonna give it my best shot in translation:

So these two guys have been best friends their whole lives, and did everything together--grew up in neighboring apartments, went to the same schools, went to the same university, even got marri...

Teacher: "What's your hobby, Mary?" "Knitting and swimming."

"But doesn't the wool get soggy?"

Preparations for parenthood - dressing and feeding.

New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.

To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to ...

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3 guys die

They go to heavean and the angle there tells them they will go to heavean depending on the relationship they had with their wife. The first man comes up and says I was horrible I cheated on her 5 times. The angel says ok here is this old tractor he goes up in the old tractor. The next guy comes up ...

So this guy and his wife are driving home in the rain when a skunk appears...

The guy swerves and strikes the skunk nonetheless. Being an animal lover he stops and assesses the soggy critter. It breathes and he immediately scoops it up. "Quick!" He says to his wife, "warm this skunk in your lap while I drive to the vet!"

"But it's wet and stinky" she protests.
...

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Please don't throw cigarette butts in urinals.

It makes them soggy and hard to light.

I have a special needs daughter, and she hates taking baths.

I don’t blame her. I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

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Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain

One of the ladies reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom.

"Helen! What in the world is that for?!" says the other lady.

"Well, just watch this" Helen says before she cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette. "This way they don't get soggy!"

The second old lady is p...

One day, a bus driver woke up late and didnt have time for breakfast.

Nor did he have time to pack lunch.

And, that was the day he was to drive a bus full of elderly to a rural town. Many miles from any form of takeaway food places.

As it grew later in the day he grew hungrier and hungrier. Lunch time came and went and he was starving.

A little...

Hey guys please stop putting half-smoked cigarettes in the urinal

It makes them soggy and makes them hard t light up.

And the LORD said unto John...

"Come forth and receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and had to eat the biscuit[.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soggy_biscuit)

An old man was staying in a hotel and went for breakfast at the restaurant.

The waiter asked him what he’d like for breakfast and the old man replies:

“I want porridge but it must be lumpy and under cooked, then I want some bacon , eggs and toast but the bacon must be burnt to a crisp, the eggs must be runny and snotty and the toast I want 1 slice very soggy and the ...

"Mum, mum! I came first in class today!"

"Well done!! What was it?"

"Soggy biscuit"

"Oh, what's that... and what's wrong with your brother?"

"He came last".

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After years of complaints, a mother finally gets sick of cooking dinner.

She makes a new family rule: whoever complains about dinner has to cook the next night. After a few rounds, dinner duty falls to the husband. But by now, everyone is sick of having to cook, so they all decide to stop complaining. Weeks go by. The dad is sick of cooking, but nobody complains about hi...

Don't cry over burnt toast

That would just make it soggy.

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I was dancing with a girl in a nightclub.

"What are we going to do after this?" I asked her.

She said, "How does sex sound?"

I said, "Soggy."

Why shouldn't white people swim?

Crackers get soggy when wet.

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True story at a funeral. This is a story rather than a joke, but there's a funny part.

This probably belongs in r/funny but I'm posting it here because in my reddit experience, those folks have a very narrow sense of humor (Leno/Foxworthy type stuff) - and I wanted to give a bit of a laugh to people.

I also apologize to more sensitive readers because this is a story relating to...

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"I bet you I can keep you from eating those cheerios"

A small boy wanted to play a game with his parents so he said "let's see who can keep the other one from eating the cheerios first"

"Challenged accepted." Replied the father. So he stood up on the kitchen table and pissed in the mother's cheerios. The mother was a stubborn ole' mule so she st...

Bullfighting novice

A tourist goes to Spain wanting to see some bullfights. After attending a full day of it, he fells quite hungry and goes to a little restaurant just by the bullfighting stadium. The special of the day are the meatballs, which he orders without much enthusiasm. Just some meatballs in a small restaur...

My dad's best improv

We were driving one day and my dad had to stop the car because a seagull was in the middle of the wet road picking away at a soggy box.
I asked him why he stopped the car instead of driving on.
To which he replied, "He's just trying to get his cardboardhydrates"

Needless to say, everyo...

I was at a bar last night nursing a beer

But I stopped after an hour because my nipple was getting too soggy

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