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Mallard Jokes

Dr. Mallard recently lost his medical license!

He committed quackery.

Why did the Mallard fail as a comic?

His humor was too fowl.

Two mallards walk into a bar

The other one ducks

*Ba dum tsss*

What did the mallard do when someone threw a rock at him?

He ducked.

What did they arrest the mafia mallard for?

Quacketerring.













What kind of drugs did the duck sell to the mallard?

Quack.

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Whats the difference between you and a sick Mallard?

One's a sick duck, the other's a dick suck

Marten the Mallard likes shoes, but is loyal to only one brand...

Duck Martens

What did the abusive mallard say to his duck wife?

Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack.

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"The proud mallard" (more a life lesson than a joke as told by my father)

There was a mallard who was so full of himself that he thought he didn't need to fly south for winter.

Winter comes and of corse, the mallards plan has gone horrible wrong.

He finds himself in a farmers field with no strength .. no will to carry on any further and just when the malla...

My girlfriend is annoyed because I won't stop making duck jokes.

Judging from the look on her face, I don't think I mallard to say them anymore.

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

Ceramics

The other day I bought some decorative ceramics for my bathroom, robins, geese, owls, etc. All sorts of birds.
I was taking them upstairs & tripped over! Every single one broke, except for the mallards. I guess it was due to their greater duck-tile strength.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner.

Wife - "I don't know."

Me, throwing out something completely random - "How about roast canard." (french for duck)

Wife - "What's a canard?"

Me - "Same as a mallard." (type of duck)

Wife - "What's a mallard?"

Me - "Same as a drake." (male duck)

Wife - "So, r...

A perpetual criminal offender is brought to the court house for trial. However the judge is a duck wearing robes and a powdered wig

. The criminal is incensed, he shouts out "I will not be judged by a common duck"
The judge says to the defence lawyer "If you don't silence your client he will be held in contempt."
The defence says "Yes Mallard"

Ancient relics

I pass by this ancient mailbox all the time when we drive down our road to the house.. The old rusty box is nailed to an oak that has to be 150 years old. After too many times of passing it by I decided to open the box to see if anything was inside. After all, there isn’t even a house nearby to whic...

TIL about Mexican drug birds.

During the early 60s drug cartels would use South-American mallard flocks to smuggle drugs over the border.

The birds' predictable migration patterns and considerable size made them perfect for the job, until a few years later.

That's when the ducks got wise and just started smoking ...

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[OC] One day I went waterfowl hunting...

As I sat still in my boat, I quietly scanned the area. I heard a rustling in the bushes along the shore. As I looked over to where I heard the noise, I saw two beautiful Mallards step out of from the cover of the shrubbery. As they were walking they stopped briefly and started pooping. I knew this w...

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Three boys with some chicken-wire...

walk down the street and pass an old man on his porch.

The old-timer asks "What are you boys doing with so much chicken-wire?"

One of the boys exclaims "We're gonna catch some chickens!"

The old man scoffs and tells them "you can't catch chickens with chicken-wire, that's not ho...

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A Long Island duck

A lady is shopping at a local butcher shop. When her number is called, she tells the butcher "Give me a Long Island Duck"

So the butcher goes into the cooler and comes out w/ a duck, he plops it on the scale and the lady says "Let me see that duck"

So the butcher hands it to her over t...

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Boudreau goes huntin'

There was these two Louisiana Cajuns on the bayou.

One morning Leroy saw Boudreau in his boat floating down the bayou with a lawnmower in it. "Hey Boudreau the hell you gon do with that lawnmower?" "This here's a John Deere and I'm going deer huntin!"

Leroy shakes his head at Boudreau...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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