Billy: "Your mare - what breed is it?" Jack: "No clue, but it beat the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby. " "Why wasn't it entered for the Triple Crown?" "Problem is, it gallops only at night. Snoozes in the daytime."

"Tsk tsk tsk... a nightmare."

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What do you call an alarm clock that doesn't have a snooze button?

A toddler

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The inventor of the snooze button just died.

His funeral will take place tomorrow at 8:00, 8:05, 8:10 and 8:15.

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You snooze, you lose

-is not exactly how I thought I'd lose my virginity

What did the sleepy yogi say when he hit snooze?

Namaste in bed a bit longer.

A Scotsman was competing in the highland games...

Carothers had a few pints after the caber toss and wanted to take a nap before all the dancing started. So he headed out to the woods and found a nice meadow to take a wee snooze.

Two young and beautiful lasses were picking flowers in the meadow when they stumbled upon him. Being curious on...

I just got a reminder in Outlook that Friday is World Sleep Day.

I put it on snooze. I’m doing my bit.

You know how they say "if you snooze you lose"...

I snooze every morning and have never lost any sleep over it.

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Hitting the snooze button...

... Is just starting your day off with a nap.

Never date an anesthesiologist

It’s a real snooze fest.

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

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Keep the dream alive,

hit the snooze button again.

If Tom Cruise forget to set his alarm clock

He'd be Tom Snooze

A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart.

As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, “Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go—don’t throw a fit. It won’t be long.” In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says,

“There, there, Missy, don’t cry. Two more aisle...

Two figures watched from the balcony as the performance of "The King in Yellow" came to an end. Turning to the audience, they watched those unfortunate enough to still be alive turn on each other. Hideous screams and mad laughter echoed as blood flew through air. Finally, one of the figures spoke.

"Well, looks like the play drove the audience completely insane. They're ripping each other apart down there!"

"After paying twenty bucks for tickets to that snooze-fest, I feel like going crazy too!"

*"Do-ho-ho-ho-hoh!"*

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I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,...

I started a new diet where you can sleep 20 hours a day...

It’s called, you Snooze you lose

One of the things that you get upset if it works and even more if it doesn't: the alarm clock.

That poor thing! It is so scared of you that while waking you up asks if you want a 5 minutes snooze.

I set my alarm 30 minutes before I need to get up every morning

I need 10 minutes to snooze, 10 minutes to sit on the end of my bed hating life, and 10 minutes to convince myself to take the noose off.

What do you need most after a 8 hour sleep

A 5 minute snooze

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I do 10 sit ups every morning

It might not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

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Why did the blonde burn to death?

She couldn't find the snooze button on the smoke alarm.

When you pay rent...

it's like hitting the snooze-bar on being homeless

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What did Trump say when he hit the button on his alarm clock but it wouldn't stop beeping?

Fake snooze

I was having trouble staying awake at work but my coworker beat me to the last cup of coffee in the pot.

It's like they say: if you lose you snooze.

Don't let go of your dreams

Press snooze

A priest dies...

And goes to heaven. There's a small queue to get in, and when he gets to be second in line, he overhears St. Peter asking some basic questions to the man in front of him, like what's your name/ occupation, and where are you from? They guy in front of the priest is wearing tight fitting, torn black c...

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Tick Marks

The afternoon before the wedding, the groom Josh and his dad Dave are sharing a drink among the guests. Dave makes a bet with his son… …

“$500, even money, that I can shag your mother tonight more times than you fuck the brains out of your new filly,” dad says. …

It sounds like a sur...

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