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Hotel Room Jokes

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An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...

So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himse...

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Two guys invited a prostitute to a hotel room

They decided to do it separately so the first guy goes in the room while the other is waiting at the lobby.

Then the first guy comes out, the second guy asks: ''How was she?''

First guy answers: ''She was okay, but she was nothing compared to my wife.''

Then the second guy goes...

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room

-and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So...

Every hotel room was taken.

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you t...

In a hotel room at night, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep...

At night in a hotel room, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep: they tell various political jokes. He tries to scare them:


"The KGB is listening to everything here!"


Those two just laugh and continue. Then he goes out and asks the room attendant to bring to the r...

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Christian businessman asks the teenage receptionist, "is the porn in the hotel room disabled?"

She gives him a look of utter disgust and says, "no, it's just regular porn you weirdo."

What did the regular hotel room say to the fancy hotel room

Oh suite!

This was made up by my 11 year old son, I thought it was fist bump worthy.

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A priest checks into a hotel room and says to the front desk "I hope the porn is disabled"

The front desk lady says to him "no, it's just normal porn you sick fuck"

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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

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A woman entered a pub and saw a haggard looking soldier sitting at the bar.

She approached him and asked if everything was all right.

The soldier said, "I haven't had sex since 2014."

The woman replied, "Wow that's a long time. How about I get your tab and you come back to my hotel?"

They went to her hotel room and made passionate love for a solid two ...

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Why is pussy called the smallest hotel room in the world?

It's so small you have to leave your bags outside.

Why couldn’t Joseph and Mary get a hotel room in Bethlehem?

Hotels are always busy around Christmas

No service at hotel room

I called into the hotel reception for room service. After my 5th call went unanswered, I walked up to the hotel reception angrily asking why they weren't answering.

Reception : "Extremely sorry sir. What's your room number?"
Me : "Room number 503"
Reception : "Something went wrong. 503 ...

I couldn't find my hotel room

I recently went to Wisconsinand checked into a hotel. I took the key at the reception and got onto the elevator to the 4th floor. Walked up and down the corridor but my room was nowhere to be found.
Then giving up all hope, I called the reception from corridor and told them the situation.
...

A man had an argument with his lover in a hotel room.

He calls the receptionist and says "I had an argument with my lover. She is threatening to jump out of the window if I don't divorce my wife. You have to help me."

The receptionist replied: "Sir, that looks like a personal problem. There is nothing we can do to help you out."

"Listen ...

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A guy rents a hotel room and hires a prostitute to meet him there.

Being quite shy, he turns the light off, leaving the room lit only by the faint glow of the moon through the blinds.

There is a *knock* on the door, and sitting on the edge of the bed, already aroused in anticipation, he says, "It's open. Come in and leave the light off". She enters and stra...

I went to see a comedian perform in a hotel room

He told some suite jokes

A father and his young son check into their hotel room.

When they get to their room, they meet the maid on her way out. She stops and says, "Welcome, I just put fresh towels and toiletries in your room. Enjoy your stay!" The father and his son thank her and enter the room.

Shortly after settling in, the son tells his dad he needs to use the bathr...

A band of russian friend are in their hotel room, joking about Stalin’s regime and cracking political jokes.

Worried that they were going too far, Sasha decides to play a practical joke on his pals and lighten the mood a bit. He slips downstairs to the lobby and asks the receptionist for an orange juice to be brought to room 304.

When he comes back to the room, he tells his friends “Guys, stop playi...

Daffy Duck was in a hotel room, he called room service and asks for a condom, receptionist says shall we put it on your bill?

Daffy replied.

Are you thucking thupid I'll thuffocate.

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I just got done filming a porno in my hotel room [NSFW]

You can find it on the net. It’s called “drunk guy jerks off in a hotel room and then cries”

My phone was not working in the hotel room

I had to go downstairs . They had reception there

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A cleaner knocks on the door of a hotel room

After waiting awhile an Asian man answers the door. Cleaner says "Hey mate, where's ur bin?"
The man replies "I bin on the loo"
the cleaner says "no, where's ur dust bin"
to which he replies "I dust bin on the loo"
cleaner gets a bit annoyed "NO, where's ur wheelie bin" Asian man says "...

No ashtrays in the hotel room

Looks like smokings out the window

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Two sex workers enter Trump's Russian hotel room.

Sex worker: "On a scale of one to 10, how would you rate us?"

Trump: "Urinate"

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

A mathematician is in a burning hotel room.

When he spots the fire extinguisher, he says, “ok, the problem is solvable” and goes back to sleep.

3 friends split a hotel room cost evenly.

(More of a riddle hope it's okay)

The cost of the hotel is $30 so they each pay $10.

After they have settled in their room the manager realizes there was actually a deal and the room only cost $25.

The manager sends the bell hop with the $5 to refund them but on the way there h...

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My Wife Likes to Talk After Sex

But I wish she’d stop calling from hotel rooms.

-Rodney Dangerfield

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Virgin wife

A fellow talking to his friend says, "How can I know that my girl is a virgin ?"

Friend tells him, "You have to wait till your wedding night, you show it to her and ask what is it. If she calls it a penis, she's a virgin. If she says it's a cock, she's been around."

So the guy gets mar...

A Newly-Wed couple is in their hotel room, ready to consummate the marriage...

... the groom sits on the edge of the bed and takes off his socks. His new bride looks at his feet and says, "Woah! What in the world happened to your feet!?"

"Oh that.. when I was young I contracted toelio!" he replies.

"Toelio!?" she exclaims, "you mean POLio right?"

"Nope, ...

Dave and his girlfriend check into the hotel room.

As soon as they walk in, the girl immediately jumps up on the bed and lays in a spread eagle.

She asks - Dave, do you know what it means?

Dave - yeah, that you wanna sleep on this bed all by yourself.

/u/username hates the hotel room he’s currently staying in.

Username checks out.

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

hotel room with a problem

The front desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a woman. She says that the vibrations from the nearby train tracks are shaking her out of bed. The clerk couldnt believe it so went up to the room to investigate. While he is lying on the bed waiting to feel the vibrations, the woman's husband walk...

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Funny how you can get charged $250 for smoking in a hotel room...

but you can cum on everything and nobody cares.

My hotel room has a partial water view!

I would have preferred oxygen but hydrogen is nice, too.

Leon Trotsky asks a travel agent if they have any hotel rooms in Mexico.

The travel agent responded by saying that Mexico would be a very ice pick.

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NSFW I'm pretty sure James Bond was having sex in the hotel room next door last night!!!

All I kept hearing was his lover's voice screaming "***Roger Moore***"

I was laying in my hotel room bed, naked and spread eagle, when the cleaning lady comes in.

Finally.

As I sat there naked in George Clooney’s hotel room, I thought to myself..

I might have accidentally picked up my wife’s bucket list instead of mine.

Queen were on their very first tour and there was a mishap in booking hotel rooms.

They were meant to book two rooms with two beds each - instead they ended up with a single room with one bed. They were considering drawing straws to determine who would sleep on the floor, but miraculously, Freddie Mercury, Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor all managed to fit comfortably on t...

In a hotel room in London, the room service boy knocks on the door,

And says "here are your Pringles sir" The Arab guest looks at the box of potato chips for a few minutes appearing confused. Finally he says, "Wallah Habibi, I said bring girls"

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My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume.

What a silly old bugger.

What do Captain Kirk and Mister Spock do to get their baggage up to their hotel room?

Tell a porter.

A duck and a beautiful woman are sitting on a hotel room bed...

when the duck realises he has no condom not wanting to take any chances he calls room service. Room service arrives he asks "Do you want me to put this on your bill?" "No what do you think I am some kind of pervert?"

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A man is booking a hotel room for his family

He asks the receptionist, "Are all of the porn channels disabled?"

The receptionist responds with a disgusted look on her face,

"No you sick pervert, all of our porn channels are normal!"

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What did the businessman say when he woke up in a hotel room Monday morning next to two prostitutes?

Hi ho. Hi ho. It's off to work I go.

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Two coworkers, Fred & Jim, come in to work on Monday.

Fred immediately says to Jim "you won't believe my weekend. I went to the club Saturday and met up with this woman. We wound up getting a hotel room and went at it all night, she was absolutely incredible. I have to say she was even better than my wife. You've got to meet this woman."

The nex...

Mr. Kotter and his secretary go to a convention...

When they check into their hotel rooms, the attendant said since they were late, they gave one of the rooms to another guest. They only had a double bed, but if they can wait, they can move another bed into the room. In the middle of the night, the secretary called to Mr Kotter, "can you please clo...

What do you call the person that cleans the Mafia's hotel rooms?

A maid man.

I'm in a hotel room and call down to the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in the sink..."

The guy answers, "Go ahead, the customer's always right..."

- H. Youngman

Why did the Russian oligarch sign up for the draft?

Because going to the front line was safer than trying to open his hotel room window.

Long joke A Newly wed couple are in their hotel room...

This is the first time they will see each other naked. So the new husband takes of his pants and throws them at his new wife. " here put these on" he says. The wife grabbed the pants and thought it was a weird request but did it anyways. The new husband was a big burly fella so the pants where very ...

So I'm in my hotel room, it's the middle of the afternoon, I'm completely naked—and the maid walks in

...finally.

A young couple finish their first date...

...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door."

She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That show...

A couple on honeymoon in hotel room undressing. The groom removes his socks and the bride asks: "What's wrong with your feet, your toes look all mangled?"

Groom: "I had Tolio as a child."
Bride: "You mean Polio?"
Groom: "No Tolio, the disease only affected my toes."

The groom then removes his pants and the bride asks: "What is wrong with your knees, they are lumpy and deformed?"

Groom: "As a child I had Kneasles."
Bride: "You me...

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