Why don't witches wear panties?

To get better grip on the broom.

Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

Why do witches trust black cats?

Because their familiar

Did you hear about the vegan witch?

She was burned at the steak

I overheard a coven of witches sharing tips to keep cats off their altars.

I guess it’s a *familiar* problem.

Why can’t witches have babies?

Their husbands have hollow wieners!

Come on, better than why can’t fortune tellers have babies, Their husbands have crystal balls!

Why dont witches wear panties?

So they can grip their broom better.


I know,I know.I posted this a few weeks back but because Halloween is coming up I thought maybe you might want to pass this around the office,bar,whatever.

[salem witch trials]

**judge:** You are guilty of doing magic! What do you have to say for yourself young lady?

**woman:** It's misdirection!

**judge:** Oh sorry! *"Miss"* Direction, do you have anything to say?

**woman:** *sigh* nevermind...

They launched a ride share app for witches...

It's called BroomService

There once was a very stubborn witch...

She would never accept help from her friends, and insisted on fighting her enemies alone, saying she didn’t want to rely on anyone else. Because of this, she lost a fight and was trapped forever in a crystal necklace.

Now she’s really independent.

A Prince is Cursed by a Witch.

He can only say one word a year. But, he can decline to say one word a year and say two words the next year and so on and so forth. One day, he sees a beautiful princess. He wants to ask her to marry him. So, he decides to wait four years to ask her to marry him. But on the second year, he decided t...

Once there was a prince who, through no fault of his own was placed under a curse by a witch.

The curse dictated that he was only allowed to speak one word a year. However, he could build up credits if he had not spoken for a year.

One day, a beautiful princess came to his kingdom, and he decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could say "My darling."

However,...

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe

I said its Narnia buisness

What does the witch say when she takes off on her broom?

Broom broom

What type of witch goes to the beach?

A Sandwitch

Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!


Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Lo...

What do witch doctors write their letters in?

Cursive

What do you call a group of Amish witches?

A Dutch coven.

What’s the difference between a witch and a warlock?

The spelling.

What exam do young witches have to pass?

A spelling test

What does a modern-day witch ride ?

A vroomstick

Why can’t witches have babies?

Their husbands have hallow-weenies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

What's the difference between a witch and a which?

I'm not shore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had a 25 inch dick and wanted it smaller. So he visited a witch in the woods. She said if he wants it smaller then he'd have to go further and find the talking frog. Then he must ask the frog to marry him and when the frog says "no" it'll shrink 5 inches.

Once he found it, he says, "Will you marry me?", but the frog says "No".

It shrunk 5 inches and he was amazed but it was still too big. Again he asked, "Will you marry me?"

"NO!", the frog yells. Now it shrunk 5 more inches but he thought 15 inches was still too big. He decided 10 woul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A witch put a curse on me and now my penis has a steering wheel

It drives me nuts

What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?

Spelling!

What did one witch say to the other at the harvest festival?

That's macabre

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor…

… to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”

The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do.  But, I do know this witch who ...

What religion did the witch DJ follow?

Wicca Wicca

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

What do you call a witch in the middle east ?

Stoned.

In olde times, it's said that bog witches used to bewitch people or animals to carry messages over distances to each other.

They called it 'hexed messaging'.

Witches and wizards don't fart.

They cast smells.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three drunk guys walk into a brothel...

The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were...

Why do witches wear name tags?

So they know which witch is which!

(I used to say this all the time when I was younger)

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say it's colder than a Witches tit out..

So I touched my wife's tit, can confirm colder outside, but not by much.

A Chinese, French, and an Italian guy all go to a field trip

They stumble upon a witch that shows them a mirror.

"This is a magic mirror" says the witch. "Tell it the truth, and you shall win fortunes. But if you dare to lie, you will vanish."

The French goes first, and says: "I think my language is the most beautiful language in the world". And...

What did the witch say after her broom was stolen?

"Well, good thing I can drive a stick."

A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe enter a bar; the bartender eyes them quizzically and asks, "what're you up to with all that?"

The lion responds gruffly, "Narnia business!"




... I'm sorry.

A few Halloween Jokes

Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Q: What do hillbillies do at Halloween?
A: Pump kin
Q: What is a witch's favourite subject at school?
A: Spelling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four men are stranded on a deserted island

After wandering for days, they finally come upon a small shack in the distance. Unsure of its safety, one friend volunteers to investigate while the other three stay behind.

Taking a deep breath, the bravest of the friends walks through the front door and finds a witch waiting for him.
...

Last Halloween there was a knock at the door

I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, "Honey there's a witch at the door. What shall I do?"
She shouted back, "Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost."
My mother-in-law hasn't spoken to me since.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Halloween evening, and the door bell goes

I get up and answer the door expecting to see some cute kids dressed in appropriate outfits, you know witches, zombies etc etc. So I was quite unprepared for what I saw when I opened the door...a group of maybe 15 year olds just wearing their normal clothes. Tracksuits and baseball caps maybe 5 or 6...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine, a Navy Sailor, and an Air Force Pilot are all captured by an ISIS Witch Doctor..

The Witch Doctor goes to each of the men and says "I will grant you all one wish, however at the end you will be killed and made a part of my tent."

The sailor is up first and says "I wish to see my girlfriend one last time" the witch doctor conjures the sailors girlfriend and they say goodby...

The Witch Doctor

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he ...

Why did the witches lose their baseball game

their bats flew away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back in the middle ages, there was a boy named Eddie, who was born as just a head.

His mother, concerned for his well-being, visited a witch in the woods near their house, seeking a remedy for the poor boy's affliction. The witch felt charitable, looking upon the poor body-less infant, and told Eddie's mother that not only would the boy be fine, she would also make him a body! How...

The witches in Sabrina the Teenage Witch having a cat called Salem is like...

A Jewish family having a cat called Auschwitz.

Why did the witch have so many hickies?

She was dating a necromancer.

2 drunk old men walk into a brothel

One of them says to the Madame, "How do you do? We'd like the 2 nicest dolls in the place!" The Madame says to the bartender, "give these men a couple of drinks then put a doll in room 6 and a doll in room 7". The old drunk men go into their rooms and when they appear soon after, the Madame asks th...

I'm pretty convinced that tall girls are secretly witches

Every time I try to work up the courage to talk to one, I get turned into a chicken ☠️

How are sailors like witches?

They spend a lot of time cursing.


I'll show myself out.

The experiment ran away, sir.

Which one?

Witch 1.

That's what I asked.

What do daredevil and scarlet witch have in common? (Spoiler)

They both lost their vision

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A powerful witch once needed the blood of a true virgin to make a rare potion

She gets the blood of a person she assumes never had sex and gets their blood.

It doesn't work.

She tries another,

the potion still doesn't work.

Dismayed she uses a spell to get the blood of every person who's never had sex from the craziest of orthodox Christian damse...

What do you call a witch who only eats sand?

Anything you like - she’s dead.

What does a witch use to bake cookies?

An Easy Bake Coven

Two old men finally retire...

They've had a hard life, both widowed many years ago and their children have all grown up and gone their own way. They decide that it would be INCREDIBLE to have a night on the town like the old days, a proper guys night out. They draw their final paychecks and proceed to get motherlessly drunk in a...

What does a witch doctor want for his birthday?

A little head

What time does the wicked witch have her clocks set to?

Greenwich mean time.

What do you call a group of people called to testify at the Salem witch trials?

Witchnesses.

Why couldn't the witch get pregnant?

The husband had a Hallo-Weenie

I’ve been thinking about becoming a witch for hire...

But idk if my boyfriend would be comfortable with me being a hex worker.

So, someone asked me if I was already wearing my Halloween mask.

I said, "No, I just have resting witch face."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two thieves see a horse...

Two thieves see a horse tied to a hitch outside of a tavern in a small rural town. They decide they want want to steal the horse, but they're pretty sure they'll get caught trying to make their escape from the town in the middle of nowhere.

The one thief says to the other: "I have an idea. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

20 men and a witch are in a hot air balloon

One man says "We are losing air, some of us are going to have to jump out!"
The witch says "Don't worry, if you drink this potion whatever you say will appear below you, when you jump out!"
One man drinks the potion and says "Pillows" and lands in 20 pounds of pillows
Another man drinks the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink...

My wife asked me to pick the music for her mother's funeral.

Apparently Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead was not the appropriate song.

What did the Witch say when the Broom Salesman showed her a Vacuum?

I don't want an automatic! I want a Stickshift!

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

Tonto & the Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger says to Tonto,
" I'm gonna stop & have a tinkle behind this bush "

The Lone Ranger Screams
" AHHH Tonto come here quickly"

Tonto goes over & see that The lone ranger has been bitten by a Snake....
Tonto says "Don't panic , I know a Witch doctor who l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sad example of the witch hunt caused by the flood of sexual abuse allegations

A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical training has been fired for one minor indiscretion.

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans.

This just goes to show...

A cowboy walks out of a bar and comes running back in.

He stands up on a table and screams,”Now, who here went outside and painted mah horse bright red!” Nobody answers. This time he takes out his two guns and screams even louder,” Witch scoundrel here painted my horse red!!” Finally, a 6”8 man with a machine gun stands up and says,”I’ve done it. I pain...

Why did the witch doctor cross the road?

He’s got friends on the other side.

What do you call a witch who uses illegal spells?

A hex offender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...

A dyslexic witch cursed me!

Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome

What is a difference between wife and a witch?

5 years of marriage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tribesmen goes to his local Witch Doctor

TM: "I have a problem, i think i have that HIV thing that the villagers keep talking about"

WD: "What makes you think that? pretty sure the only cases so far are from the monkeys"

TM: "Im sure of it"

WD: "OK, well you must have been eating the monkeys then, you know it's against...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog...

I searched in Google "How do I know if my wife is a witch".

You could've just asked me! - she yelled from the kitchen.

3 witch fugitives were cornered by police

The redhead yelled "AIR" and a gust of wind carried her to safety.

The brunette yelled "EARTH" and a tunnel to safety appeared underneath her.

The blonde yelled "FIRE" so the police did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lumberjack has sex with a witch, gets his soul trapped inside a jigsaw, and seeks revenge by ruining her cheese company

*I Came. I Saw. I Con Curd.*

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are captured by a witch

The witch tells them, "If you say something about yourself that is true, I will let you go, if not, you will vanish into thin air"

The brunette says, "I think I'm the prettiest"
*Poof!* the brunette disappears.


The redhead says, "I think I'm the smartest"
*Poof!* the redhead...

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