The 86+ Best Witch Jokes

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A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

What are the preferred pronouns for a Witch

He He He

What's the difference between Daredevil and Scarlet Witch?

One knows how to cope without Vision.

Why dont witches wear underwear

To get a better grip on there brooms

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

malnourished

Why don't witches get sweaty at the gym?

Because they wear moisture-Wiccan shirts.

Witch doctor

A man walks into a bar and says, ''Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.'' Bartender says, ''You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?'' The guy says, ''Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here.'' He...

Two brothers are knights, and one is kidnapped by a foul witch

The older brother goes to rescue his brother from the clenches of the awful witch. When he arrives, he points his sword at her and demands that she let his brother go.

"You cannot kill me with that sword, pitiful knight," she says, "for I am far too powerful. You must offer me something in ...

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

Witches don’t fart

They cast “smells”

A witch finishes watching Monsters Inc...

And has an idea. Surely if children’s laughter is more powerful, then orphans crying for joy would make their tears MORE magical! So she teleports outside of a young orphans bedroom and slowly enters the room.

Inside, the young child in the bed stirs awake. “Who’s there?” He asks the figure. ...

Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!

Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Look whe...

What do you call a witch from Texas?

A hexin' Texan

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A man is looking for a long lost treasure and comes across an old witch.

He says, "I'm looking for the Treasure of the Hidden Sea. Do you know where to find it?"

She smiles and says, "I do. But there is a price to pay if you do."

"I'll pay anything," the man says knowing that he's been looking for this treasure for three decades. "Just tell me how to get ...

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A powerful witch once needed the blood of a true virgin to make a rare potion

She gets the blood of a person she assumes never had sex and gets their blood.

It doesn't work.

She tries another,

the potion still doesn't work.

Dismayed she uses a spell to get the blood of every person who's never had sex from the craziest of orthodox Christian damse...

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A guy with a 25 inch penis goes to a witch doctor

He asks, is there anything you can do to shorten it Women won’t have sex with me. It’s too big.she said no but if you go in the forest there’s a pond with a magical frog that grants the wish you’re thinking of every time he says the word no, so you ask him to marry him to guarantee the correct respo...

I just found out my wife is a witch!

Now she's my hex-wife.

What sound does a witches vehicle make?

BROOM BROOM

A cannibal is walking through the jungle when he sees on of his cannibal buddies leaving the witch doctor's hut...

Cannibal 1: why you at the witch doctor?

Cannibal 2: some new religious people were snooping around the village the other day and I ate one of them. I haven't felt too good since.

Cannibal 1: how'd you prepare them?

Cannibal 2: I boiled em

Cannibal 1: hmm, what did they...

A witch was flying on her broom when she noticed that all the witches she passed were flying on vacuum cleaners.

She thought to herself, "Am I the only one who still drives a stick?"

What's the first thing a young witch learns?

How to spell.

a small village is home to three witches.

One witch puts up a sign in front of her house reading "Here lives the most powerful witch in the world!" A second witch sees the sign and puts up her own, reading "Here lives the most powerful witch in the universe!" The third witch sees both signs and puts up her own sign reading "Here lives the m...

How do witches write ?

in Cursive

Which school subject was the witch’s favorite?

Spelling!

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

If you ever encounter an evil witch show them the periodic table

They're good at chemistry

MacBeth meets the three witches on the marsh.

''Hail MacBeth. For a fee we will predict your future.''

-''Really? How much?''

''10 Pence per predicted year.''

''I want a prediction for my *whole* life.''

''That'll be 5 pence.''

- Herman Finkers

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

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Why can’t witches have kids?

They have crystal balls and hallow weenies

Three witches are standing around a bubbling caldron.

The first witch tastes the brew. "It needs an eye of newt," she says.

"Agreed" says the second.

"Aye," says the newt.

"Perfect," says the third.

What happens when a witch breaks the sound barrier?

You hear a sonic broom.

why do witches only fly on brooms?

vacuum cleaners are too heavy

what did the angry witch do while riding her broom?

She flew off the handle.

What happens to illiterate witches in school?

They get expelled!

Why did the old witch in the woods get removed from the Grimm's fairy tales?

Hansel Culture.

\-- Late Night with Seth Meyers

(I apologize for this)

The Four Witch Covens

There were once four powerful witch covens: the witches of the mountains, the deserts, the forests, and the seas. For a thousand years they made war with one another, casting curses and hexes and bringing all manner of malady to the land in their hatred for one another. One day, they decided the onl...

If two witches buy two watches

Which witch would watch which watch?

What is the most prevalent STI wizards and witches get?

Hog warts.

What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?

Broomates!

Where can you learn about how to be a witch?

Wicca-pedia

One day a bottle and a mirror were fighting of witch is worse to break.

"If you break me you get one year of bad luck" said the bottle.
"That is just one year. If you break me you get seven years of bad luck" answered the mirror.
But someone was laughing behind them. It was the condom who said "That is nothing. If you break me you get a life time of bad luck."

A young witch decided to join some of her peers out in the bogs of Scotland.

Unfortunately, she found difficultly fitting in with the group and ultimately couldn't handle living in that kind of environment. This did not surprise the elders of the group much. Indeed, as they were fond of saying:

If you can't stand the peat, get out of the coven.

Why couldn't the witch have babies?

Because her husband had a hollow weenie.

Why do witch covens have extra bathrooms?

Crone's Disease

King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

Why did the witch doctor keep a doll in his bedroom?

It was a fetish.

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

How come witches fly solo?

Because there's no broom left for anyone else.

LETS FLY, WITCHES!

why don’t witches wear panties ?

So they can hold onto their broomsticks.

Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

Why can’t witches get pregnant?

Because their husbands have hollow weenies.

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Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...

I have a Blair Witch fetish....

I want my buddy to stand in the corner and not watch.

Happy Halloween!

What were the lion and the witch doing in the wardrobe?

Narnia business

Why do witches wear name tags?

So they know which witch is which!

(I used to say this all the time when I was younger)

What does the wicked witch of west say when cooking eggs and bacon?

FRY MY PRETTIES!

Had an encounter with dyslexic witch..

I am safe cause she couldn't spell.

Why could the witch never get the enchantments right?

She forgot to use Spell Check.

A witch was going through her recent order of newts...

... when her apprentice walked in. Noticing the witches frowning face, she asks “What’s wrong, Master?”

The witch replied, “Well, I’ve got some good newts and some bad newts...”

What do witches bake cakes in?

Covens

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bi...

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How does Scarlett Witch relieve Vision’s sexual tension?

Wanda Wacks-him-off.

.. worst part about the Salem witch trials....

... having to go door to door to tell neighbors you're a registered hex offender.

I made this one up myself... What sound does a witch make when it speeds past you on the highway ?

BRVOOM BRVOOM!!!

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These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

The Witches just came out.

Glad to see it; especially now that they’ve legalized same-hex marriage.

What do you call a witch in the middle of the desert?

A Sandwich

Im sorry i go die now

One day, Albert Einstein has to give a speech at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

The Witch Doctor

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he ...

What do witches do in the bathroom?

Bippity-boppity-poo.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but she’ll change it into a newt.

Why did the witch have so many hickies?

She was dating a necromancer.

Did you hear about the fight at the witch's cafe?

It was bruja brew brouhaha.

All the witches be going to KFC tonight

They love some coven-ready chicken.

What you call a group of witches cooking simple recipes?

An Easy Bake Coven!

Q) How many witch doctors does it take to change a lightbulb??

A) Into what??

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I sexually identify as a Witch Doctor...

I'll take a little head from anyone.

Why dont witches wear panties?

So they can grip their broom better.

I know,I know.I posted this a few weeks back but because Halloween is coming up I thought maybe you might want to pass this around the office,bar,whatever.

I searched in Google "How do I know if my wife is a witch".

You could've just asked me! - she yelled from the kitchen.

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A witch turned me into a piece of toast

but I got butter

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

A dyslexic witch cursed me!

Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome

What’s the difference between a witch and a warlock?

The spelling.

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