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A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

Why don't witches wear underwear?

To have a better grip on the broom.

When a leaf and an emo fall from a tree witch one hits the ground first

The leaf hits the ground first, emo just keeps hanging up there

What do you call a group of witches learning how to cook?

An easy-bake coven.

Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!

Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Look whe...

You know Usain Bolt's kids are called Thunder and Lightning, right? Well he had another child that got cursed by a witch.

Hex Bolt.

One day a bottle and a mirror were fighting of witch is worse to break.

"If you break me you get one year of bad luck" said the bottle.
"That is just one year. If you break me you get seven years of bad luck" answered the mirror.
But someone was laughing behind them. It was the condom who said "That is nothing. If you break me you get a life time of bad luck."

How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?

It depends on what they're changing it in to.

Once there was a tribe ruled by an evil witch doctor.

Whenever someone spoke up against his reign, he used his magic to turn them into an apple. One day, a small group of tribesmen had enough and decided to steal the witch doctor's magic spell book and turn him into an apple. However, the book said that if the mass of the apple ever changed too much, t...

Mike Tyson once tried to fight the Blair Witch right here in Maryland

He swung at her but he myth'd.

What do Scarlet Witch and Daredevil both have in common?

They both wear red and lost their Vision.

Did you hear about the fight at the witch's cafe?

It was bruja brew brouhaha.

.. worst part about the Salem witch trials....

... having to go door to door to tell neighbors you're a registered hex offender.

Where can you learn about how to be a witch?

Wicca-pedia

Which school subject was the witch’s favorite?

Spelling!

I have my wife to thank for this one: Why can't witches get pregnant?

Because their husbands have hallow-weenies!

What does a witches car sound like?

BROOM BROOM

I’m not gonna tell you what happens in The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe...

It’s Narnia business!

How come witches fly solo?

Because there's no broom left for anyone else.

Had an encounter with dyslexic witch..

I am safe cause she couldn't spell.

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How does Scarlett Witch relieve Vision’s sexual tension?

Wanda Wacks-him-off.

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven (flagging it NSFW just in case)

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

What does a witch doctor do to relieve himself in the bathroom?

A voodoo doo doo!

The Four Witch Covens

There were once four powerful witch covens: the witches of the mountains, the deserts, the forests, and the seas. For a thousand years they made war with one another, casting curses and hexes and bringing all manner of malady to the land in their hatred for one another. One day, they decided the onl...

If two witches buy two watches

Which witch would watch which watch?

Witches don’t fart

They cast “smells”

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A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the...

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Mike Tyson is a jerk

Alright, so Mike Tyson is kind of a dick. He treats all the people around him like shit. His friends, his family, etc. One day, he goes to a restaurant and just refuses to tip his waitress. Little does he know, the waitress was actually a witch. To get revenge, the witch conjures up a spirit to curs...

what do you call a country that's ruled by a lion, a witch and a wardrobe?

a banarnia republic

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

My friend told me that she wanted to marry a witch doctor

My friend told me that she wanted to marry a witch doctor

I asked her, “Why? What’s the appeal?”

She replied, “Pwobabwy the financial secuwity”

A witch finishes watching Monsters Inc...

And has an idea. Surely if children’s laughter is more powerful, then orphans crying for joy would make their tears MORE magical! So she teleports outside of a young orphans bedroom and slowly enters the room.

Inside, the young child in the bed stirs awake. “Who’s there?” He asks the figure. ...

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There once lived the most beautiful woman any man had ever seen. Unfortunately, a jealous old witch put a spell on the woman:

For the rest of her life, a tiny gremlin would live inside her vagina, and bite the dick off of any man who tried to lay with her.

Several suitors had tried and failed, always losing their precious member to the gremlin.

Finally one day a cunning young man decided to give it a go. W...

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me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!

######[100 years ago...]
**witch:** fuck this house

A witch was going through her recent order of newts...

... when her apprentice walked in. Noticing the witches frowning face, she asks “What’s wrong, Master?”

The witch replied, “Well, I’ve got some good newts and some bad newts...”

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

LETS FLY, WITCHES!

why don’t witches wear panties ?

So they can hold onto their broomsticks.

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Atilla and his Anaconda

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.



But his snake lost ...

Why did the witch from Hansel and Gretel always think she was sick?

She had Munch House-n syndrome

All the witches be going to KFC tonight

They love some coven-ready chicken.

What sound does a witch's vehicle make? [OC]

Brrrrroooom brrrrroooom!

What does a witch bride ride?

Her Groomsdick

Did you hear about the witch that was casting spells and driving at the same time?

She turned her car into a tree.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey for himself and one for his best friend

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey for himself and one for his best friend

The bartender, seeing only 1 guy, asks, "Do you want me to wait until he gets here?"

The guy says, "Oh, he's right here." Then reaches into his pocket and pulls a 6 inch (150mm) guy out and sets...

All the nurses are dressing up as witches for Halloween!

They will be scaretakers.

A bard wants to be more powerful and so he strikes a deal with a witch

The witch says she will only grant his wish if he gives her his first born son

The bard laughs and says “sure! Good luck finding him”

What did one Witch's cat say to the other

"You look familiar"

How do witches write ?

in Cursive

What's the problem with twin witches?

You never know which witch is which.

I have a Blair Witch fetish....

I want my buddy to stand in the corner and not watch.

Happy Halloween!

A prince which was in love with a princess was cursed by a witch so that he could only say 1 word each year, he didn´t speak for 4 years until he finally said "Princess, I love you" Then the princess looked at him and said

"What did you say?"







Btw, i took this from a novel i red so some might have heard it before.

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The guy with the giant penis

There once was a man with a 50 centimeter long schlong. He could not find any partners because it was too long. So he went to the Doctor’s office.

«Doctor, please help me! My penis is too long and I want it sportened, is there anything you can do?»

- «No.» said the doctor. «But.. There...

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Two wasted guys walk into a brothel...

The seasoned madam sees the wasted men and tells her girls, "These fellas are hammered! Put them in the rooms with blow-up dolls. They'll never notice the difference due to their intoxication."

The girls do as instructed and escort the men into their room. A few minutes pass, the men finish u...

Excercising their right to freedom of speech, witches gathered in DC, chanting "Brooms are for riding, not cleaning!"

They are calling for a sweeping reformation.

What do witches do in the bathroom?

Bippity-boppity-poo.

We were having so much bad luck on our cul-de-sac that the HOA thought we had been cursed. They brought in a witch doctor and druid to scribe protective symbols and runes all over the road...

...well, that's the ward on the street anyway.

What do you call a witch who can never decide between casting good or bad spells?

A trans-hex-ual.

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What does the wizard say to a horny witch?

Get a broom!

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink an...

What do you call a witch in the middle of the desert?

A Sandwich

Im sorry i go die now

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A witch turned me into a piece of toast

but I got butter

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These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

My Mother-in-law told me she was going to a Witch and Wizard hunt in Manchester

According to my wife, “where are you planning on hiding” wasn’t the correct response.

•What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?

Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at ‘em all and says “I ain’t serving Narnia!”

What is witches slang for a creampie?

The leaky cauldron

Along with "Antimatter" and "Dark Matter" we've recently discovered the existence of...

"Doesn't Matter" witch appears to have no affect on the universe at all.

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I sexually identify as a Witch Doctor...

I'll take a little head from anyone.

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

What happens when a witch goes for a race?

Broom Broom

There was an evil witch who owned a parking lot.

The sign said, "$2.50/hour, 4 hours max"

"Violators will be toad"

Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

all sales final: no returns

An Australian aborigine has a boomerang that won't come back to him no matter how many times he tries to throw it. Frustrated he goes to the witch-doctor for advice. The witch-doctor asks him where he got the boomerang and the abo tells him he got it from a souvenir shop at Ayer's Rock. The witch-...

What’s the difference between a witch and a warlock?

The spelling.

Me: "A beautiful witch was hitch-hiking...

so I stopped and picked her up"

Friend: "How do you know she was a witch?"

Me: "Well she got in my car, put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel"

Well, if there's one thing I've learned from my daughter's first swimming lessons,

She's definitely not a witch.

Why dont witches wear panties?

So they can grip their broom better.


I know,I know.I posted this a few weeks back but because Halloween is coming up I thought maybe you might want to pass this around the office,bar,whatever.

Why do witches trust black cats?

Because their familiar

A witch and her friend enter a race. When they get there, the witch’s ride is already there waiting for her. “Huh” the witch’s friend says. “I didn’t know you drive a stick.”

“It’s a broom, actually.” She says.

Why do witches wear name tags?

So they know which witch is which!

(I used to say this all the time when I was younger)

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A witch put a curse on me and now my penis has a steering wheel

It drives me nuts

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A Man and His Problem

A man had an extraordinary problem. He had a 15 inch penis. Naturally, it caused him great inconvenience in his daily life, so he wished to shorten his penis. He went to many a doctor, but they all confessed that it was beyond them to fix him. Having lost all hope, as a last resort he visited a wit...

They launched a ride share app for witches...

It's called BroomService

Once there was a prince who, through no fault of his own was placed under a curse by a witch.

The curse dictated that he was only allowed to speak one word a year. However, he could build up credits if he had not spoken for a year.

One day, a beautiful princess came to his kingdom, and he decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could say "My darling."

However,...

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