Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!

Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Look whe...

Why Don't Witches Wear Underwear?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.

Dad: Hey why is there a lion and a witch in your wardrobe?

Son: It’s Narnia business!

My Mother-in-law told me she was going to a Witch and Wizard hunt in Manchester

According to my wife, “where are you planning on hiding” wasn’t the correct response.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A witch turned me into a piece of toast

but I got butter

Nsfw . Why don’t witches wear panties?

To grip the broom better. Todd Packer The Office.

A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at ‘em all and says “I ain’t serving Narnia!”

A Emo and a leaf fall off a tree witch one hits the ground 1st?

The leaf, A rope stops the Emo

If you ever encounter an evil witch show them the periodic table

They're good at chemistry

What happens when a witch goes for a race?

Broom Broom

What do you call a witch in the middle of the desert?

A Sandwich

Im sorry i go die now

Witches and wizards don't fart

They cast smells.

Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

What's the problem with twin witches?

You never know which witch is which.

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing..?

“A magic potion” she replies.

“Well what is it for?” he asks.

“This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer.”

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short...

How do witches write ?

in Cursive

Me: "A beautiful witch was hitch-hiking...

so I stopped and picked her up"

Friend: "How do you know she was a witch?"

Me: "Well she got in my car, put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a Witch Doctor...

I'll take a little head from anyone.

A witch and her friend enter a race. When they get there, the witch’s ride is already there waiting for her. “Huh” the witch’s friend says. “I didn’t know you drive a stick.”

“It’s a broom, actually.” She says.

There was an evil witch who owned a parking lot.

The sign said, "$2.50/hour, 4 hours max"

"Violators will be toad"

Why do witches trust black cats?

Because their familiar

What do you call a a pig wearing a witches hat in the Sahara?

A Ham Sand Witch.

What is it called when witches practice their spells?

Hex-ercise

Where do cannibals burn their witches?

At the stake house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 1000 years ago today!

[1000 years ago]

**Witch:** Fuck this house in particular.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.”

Ok Broomer.

A witch, a saint and a shaman all walk into a tavern...

The Witch says, "I get my powers from mixing brews and consorting with demons!"

The Shaman says, "What a coincidence! I get my power by communing with the spirits of the land."

The Saint laughs, "You are all heretics!" and burned the two at the stake in the name of his god.

I overheard a coven of witches sharing tips to keep cats off their altars.

I guess it’s a *familiar* problem.

Once there was a prince who, through no fault of his own was placed under a curse by a witch.

The curse dictated that he was only allowed to speak one word a year. However, he could build up credits if he had not spoken for a year.

One day, a beautiful princess came to his kingdom, and he decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could say "My darling."

However,...

Why dont witches wear panties?

So they can grip their broom better.


I know,I know.I posted this a few weeks back but because Halloween is coming up I thought maybe you might want to pass this around the office,bar,whatever.

They launched a ride share app for witches...

It's called BroomService

Why can’t witches have babies?

Their husbands have hollow wieners!

Come on, better than why can’t fortune tellers have babies, Their husbands have crystal balls!

[salem witch trials]

**judge:** You are guilty of doing magic! What do you have to say for yourself young lady?

**woman:** It's misdirection!

**judge:** Oh sorry! *"Miss"* Direction, do you have anything to say?

**woman:** *sigh* nevermind...

A Prince is Cursed by a Witch.

He can only say one word a year. But, he can decline to say one word a year and say two words the next year and so on and so forth. One day, he sees a beautiful princess. He wants to ask her to marry him. So, he decides to wait four years to ask her to marry him. But on the second year, he decided t...

What do you call a witch hunt in Byzantium?

Orthodoxxing

You know why Warlocks can’t get witches pregnant??

Because they have Holloweenies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an indian chief who was constipated...

...he sent one of his warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior goes to the doctor and says "Big Chief, no shit". The doctor gave him one pill and told him "the chief should be fine tomorrow"

The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. The next morning the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

There once was a very stubborn witch...

She would never accept help from her friends, and insisted on fighting her enemies alone, saying she didn’t want to rely on anyone else. Because of this, she lost a fight and was trapped forever in a crystal necklace.

Now she’s really independent.

What type of witch goes to the beach?

A Sandwitch

What’s the difference between a witch and a warlock?

The spelling.

What do witch doctors write their letters in?

Cursive

What exam do young witches have to pass?

A spelling test

What do you call a group of Amish witches?

A Dutch coven.

Why can’t witches have babies?

Their husbands have hallow-weenies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A witch put a curse on me and now my penis has a steering wheel

It drives me nuts

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

What's the difference between a witch and a which?

I'm not shore.

What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?

Spelling!

Why do witches wear name tags?

So they know which witch is which!

(I used to say this all the time when I was younger)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had a 25 inch dick and wanted it smaller. So he visited a witch in the woods. She said if he wants it smaller then he'd have to go further and find the talking frog. Then he must ask the frog to marry him and when the frog says "no" it'll shrink 5 inches.

Once he found it, he says, "Will you marry me?", but the frog says "No".

It shrunk 5 inches and he was amazed but it was still too big. Again he asked, "Will you marry me?"

"NO!", the frog yells. Now it shrunk 5 more inches but he thought 15 inches was still too big. He decided 10 woul...

What religion did the witch DJ follow?

Wicca Wicca

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

What did one witch say to the other at the harvest festival?

That's macabre

In olde times, it's said that bog witches used to bewitch people or animals to carry messages over distances to each other.

They called it 'hexed messaging'.

This guy's kid was blind.

So he took it to all manner of doctors and holy people but nobody could help. Eventually he found this witch. And she told him that she can restore sight to the child, but the spell she would cast would kill the father.

The guy resigned himself to death and agreed. The witch cast her voodoo o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy has three sons

A guy has three sons and a herd of cows. One day a cow dies. He asks the oldest son to go to the city and buy a new cow. He warns him to be careful when going through the dark forest and avoid the witch.

The son bumps into the witch in the forest and she is a beautiful young lady who tells...

A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe enter a bar; the bartender eyes them quizzically and asks, "what're you up to with all that?"

The lion responds gruffly, "Narnia business!"




... I'm sorry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say it's colder than a Witches tit out..

So I touched my wife's tit, can confirm colder outside, but not by much.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle high in the canopy and his vine breaks....

He fell hitting jagged branches and thorns for about a hundred feet or so and slammed into the ground below wounded and dying.

A few hours later a witch doctor comes across him and decides to drag his lifeless body to his hut to try to help him. The witch Dr. examines Tarzan and sees that dur...

What did the witch say after her broom was stolen?

"Well, good thing I can drive a stick."

Went to the book store for the Christmas sale “1/3 off all titles”

I got a lovely copy of “The Lion, The Witch”

Why did the witch have so many hickies?

She was dating a necromancer.

The Witch Doctor

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine, a Navy Sailor, and an Air Force Pilot are all captured by an ISIS Witch Doctor..

The Witch Doctor goes to each of the men and says "I will grant you all one wish, however at the end you will be killed and made a part of my tent."

The sailor is up first and says "I wish to see my girlfriend one last time" the witch doctor conjures the sailors girlfriend and they say goodby...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three drunk guys walk into a brothel...

The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were...

I'm pretty convinced that tall girls are secretly witches

Every time I try to work up the courage to talk to one, I get turned into a chicken ☠️

What do daredevil and scarlet witch have in common? (Spoiler)

They both lost their vision

Why did the witches lose their baseball game

their bats flew away.

The witches in Sabrina the Teenage Witch having a cat called Salem is like...

A Jewish family having a cat called Auschwitz.

What do you call a witch who only eats sand?

Anything you like - she’s dead.

I’ve been thinking about becoming a witch for hire...

But idk if my boyfriend would be comfortable with me being a hex worker.

How are sailors like witches?

They spend a lot of time cursing.


I'll show myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A powerful witch once needed the blood of a true virgin to make a rare potion

She gets the blood of a person she assumes never had sex and gets their blood.

It doesn't work.

She tries another,

the potion still doesn't work.

Dismayed she uses a spell to get the blood of every person who's never had sex from the craziest of orthodox Christian damse...

What does a witch use to bake cookies?

An Easy Bake Coven

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

20 men and a witch are in a hot air balloon

One man says "We are losing air, some of us are going to have to jump out!"
The witch says "Don't worry, if you drink this potion whatever you say will appear below you, when you jump out!"
One man drinks the potion and says "Pillows" and lands in 20 pounds of pillows
Another man drinks the...

In ancient times, an mighty warrior of the Germanic tribes cut a swathe through the Roman Legions.

His name was Dolf, but he was more commonly called by another name, whispered by mothers to their children as a warning - "The Red", owing to the spatters of Roman blood that covered his wolfskin armour after battles.

It was a week before Christmas night that Dolf strode into a small inn, own...

A cannibal isn't feeling too great after dinner last night.

*Disclaimer: better when told, not written. Tell your friends!*

He pays a visit to his witch doctor.

WD: Describe what you ate last night?

C: He was wearing a thick brown robe, with a rope around his waist. He was a little plump around the middle and had a bald spot on the top o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor…

… to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”

The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do.  But, I do know this witch who ...

What time does the wicked witch have her clocks set to?

Greenwich mean time.

What do you call a group of people called to testify at the Salem witch trials?

Witchnesses.

Doctor’s appointment

Man: I would like to schedule a doctor’s appointment.

Receptionist: Alright, which doctor?

Man: Oh no, not the witch doctor he creeps me out. Just a regular doctor please.

Why couldn't the witch get pregnant?

The husband had a Hallo-Weenie

Once upon a time

in a far away land there was a noble king and his beautiful, pregnant wife. The king was much loved by his people, but he had an intensely jealous brother. Envious that the birth of the prince would mean he would never rule, the brother sought the help of an evil witch. The witch cursed the unborn c...

A Chinese, French, and an Italian guy all go to a field trip

They stumble upon a witch that shows them a mirror.

"This is a magic mirror" says the witch. "Tell it the truth, and you shall win fortunes. But if you dare to lie, you will vanish."

The French goes first, and says: "I think my language is the most beautiful language in the world". And...

A father had a very rowdy son

He would never listen to his father, always disobeying rules, and being rebellious at every chance. The father often told the boy, "You should be more respectful of others", to no avail as his words fell on deaf ears. His pranks were, quite frankly, annoying to the neighbours, but what did the son c...

What do you call a witch who uses illegal spells?

A hex offender.

What did the Witch say when the Broom Salesman showed her a Vacuum?

I don't want an automatic! I want a Stickshift!

Why did the witch doctor cross the road?

He’s got friends on the other side.

A dyslexic witch cursed me!

Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome

I searched in Google "How do I know if my wife is a witch".

You could've just asked me! - she yelled from the kitchen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sad example of the witch hunt caused by the flood of sexual abuse allegations

A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical training has been fired for one minor indiscretion.

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans.

This just goes to show...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tribesmen goes to his local Witch Doctor

TM: "I have a problem, i think i have that HIV thing that the villagers keep talking about"

WD: "What makes you think that? pretty sure the only cases so far are from the monkeys"

TM: "Im sure of it"

WD: "OK, well you must have been eating the monkeys then, you know it's against...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.