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A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

An evil witch put a curse on a prince so that he could only speak one word each year.

If he didn't say anything for a year, he would be able to say two words the next year and so on.

One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three m...

Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!

Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Look whe...

Why don't witches wear underwear?

To get a better grip on the broom.

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How does Scarlett Witch relieve Vision’s sexual tension?

Wanda Wacks-him-off.

What do Daredevil and Scarlet Witch have in common?

They're superheroes dressed in red who lost their vision!

Why do witches go to the gym?

So they can hexercise.

what do you call a country that's ruled by a lion, a witch and a wardrobe?

a banarnia republic

The Four Witch Covens

There were once four powerful witch covens: the witches of the mountains, the deserts, the forests, and the seas. For a thousand years they made war with one another, casting curses and hexes and bringing all manner of malady to the land in their hatred for one another. One day, they decided the onl...

Where can you learn about how to be a witch?

Wicca-pedia

So I said to this witch: "WTF were you and that lion doing in my wardrobe?"

She said "Narnia business."

My friend told me that she wanted to marry a witch doctor

My friend told me that she wanted to marry a witch doctor

I asked her, “Why? What’s the appeal?”

She replied, “Pwobabwy the financial secuwity”

LETS FLY, WITCHES!

why don’t witches wear panties ?

So they can hold onto their broomsticks.

A witch finishes watching Monsters Inc...

And has an idea. Surely if children’s laughter is more powerful, then orphans crying for joy would make their tears MORE magical! So she teleports outside of a young orphans bedroom and slowly enters the room.

Inside, the young child in the bed stirs awake. “Who’s there?” He asks the figure. ...

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A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the...

Why did the witch from Hansel and Gretel always think she was sick?

She had Munch House-n syndrome

If two witches buy two watches

Which witch would watch which watch?

I have a Blair Witch fetish....

I want my buddy to stand in the corner and not watch.

Happy Halloween!

All the witches be going to KFC tonight

They love some coven-ready chicken.

All the nurses are dressing up as witches for Halloween!

They will be scaretakers.

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Two wasted guys walk into a brothel...

The seasoned madam sees the wasted men and tells her girls, "These fellas are hammered! Put them in the rooms with blow-up dolls. They'll never notice the difference due to their intoxication."

The girls do as instructed and escort the men into their room. A few minutes pass, the men finish u...

Excercising their right to freedom of speech, witches gathered in DC, chanting "Brooms are for riding, not cleaning!"

They are calling for a sweeping reformation.

Witches don’t fart

They cast “smells”

Which school subject was the witch’s favorite?

Spelling!

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There once lived the most beautiful woman any man had ever seen. Unfortunately, a jealous old witch put a spell on the woman:

For the rest of her life, a tiny gremlin would live inside her vagina, and bite the dick off of any man who tried to lay with her.

Several suitors had tried and failed, always losing their precious member to the gremlin.

Finally one day a cunning young man decided to give it a go. W...

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me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!

######[100 years ago...]
**witch:** fuck this house

Why can’t witches get pregnant?

Because their husbands have hollow weenies.

What does a witch bride ride?

Her Groomsdick

A witch was going through her recent order of newts...

... when her apprentice walked in. Noticing the witches frowning face, she asks “What’s wrong, Master?”

The witch replied, “Well, I’ve got some good newts and some bad newts...”

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

The Witches just came out.

Glad to see it; especially now that they’ve legalized same-hex marriage.

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These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

A bard wants to be more powerful and so he strikes a deal with a witch

The witch says she will only grant his wish if he gives her his first born son

The bard laughs and says “sure! Good luck finding him”

What sound does a witch's vehicle make? [OC]

Brrrrroooom brrrrroooom!

What did one Witch's cat say to the other

"You look familiar"

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What does the wizard say to a horny witch?

Get a broom!

Did you hear about the witch that was casting spells and driving at the same time?

She turned her car into a tree.

We were having so much bad luck on our cul-de-sac that the HOA thought we had been cursed. They brought in a witch doctor and druid to scribe protective symbols and runes all over the road...

...well, that's the ward on the street anyway.

What sound does a witches car make?

Broom broom

What do witches do in the bathroom?

Bippity-boppity-poo.

What do you call a witch who can never decide between casting good or bad spells?

A trans-hex-ual.

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well outside town. One day a young woman went to the well to fetch water, and the well heard her crying and asked: "What's wrong?"



She stopped her sobbing and asked the well, "You can talk?"



"Yes," said t...

A prince which was in love with a princess was cursed by a witch so that he could only say 1 word each year, he didn´t speak for 4 years until he finally said "Princess, I love you" Then the princess looked at him and said

"What did you say?"







Btw, i took this from a novel i red so some might have heard it before.

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink...

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So there was this guy who...

... Had a 50 centimeter long penis and couldn't get a woman because it was just too much for them. So he goes to a witch who tells him to go in the forest and talk to a magical frog. Whenever the frog would answer a question with a "no" his penis would shrink 10 centimeters.

He finds the frog...

What do you call a witch in the middle of the desert?

A Sandwich

Im sorry i go die now

•What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?

Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

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A witch turned me into a piece of toast

but I got butter

Typical

An engineer is having is lunch. It is a beautiful day so he takes his brown bag lunch outside to the fountain beside the office.

He sits on the edge and is about to tuck into his sandwich when a frog hops out of the fountain and says to him "Hello! Thank goodness you're here. I am a beauti...

My Mother-in-law told me she was going to a Witch and Wizard hunt in Manchester

According to my wife, “where are you planning on hiding” wasn’t the correct response.

Netflix's latest movie.

Netflix have released a powerful new film set in the 18th century about a princess who's cursed by non-stop menstruation . The witch who cursed her says she has before the age of 21 to lift the curse by falling in love.



Honestly, it's a fantastic period drama.

How do witches write ?

in Cursive

A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at ‘em all and says “I ain’t serving Narnia!”

What's the problem with twin witches?

You never know which witch is which.

What is witches slang for a creampie?

The leaky cauldron

What do you call a group of Amsterdam witches trapped in a stench-filled room?

A Dutch Coven.

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I sexually identify as a Witch Doctor...

I'll take a little head from anyone.

I saw my friends having a screaming match with each other so I told them, “Remember, argue with facts and not curses.”

So now I’m APPARENTLY banned from the Witches Gatherings from now on.

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle

As he reached for a vine, his hand slipped and fell to the jungle floor and got knocked out cold.

He woke up and realized he didn’t have any broken bones everything seemed OK, except his wiener was missing. He assumed it had fallen off and one of the jungle creatures ran off with it.

H...

What happens when a witch goes for a race?

Broom Broom

There was an evil witch who owned a parking lot.

The sign said, "$2.50/hour, 4 hours max"

"Violators will be toad"

A Emo and a leaf fall off a tree witch one hits the ground 1st?

The leaf, A rope stops the Emo

A witch and her friend enter a race. When they get there, the witch’s ride is already there waiting for her. “Huh” the witch’s friend says. “I didn’t know you drive a stick.”

“It’s a broom, actually.” She says.

Me: "A beautiful witch was hitch-hiking...

so I stopped and picked her up"

Friend: "How do you know she was a witch?"

Me: "Well she got in my car, put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel"

How do ghouls sign off a letter?

Best witches and worm regards

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I met a sorceress in the desert once

She told me I could have all the churned dairy products and preserved fruit I could ever want, but first I had to marry her and sign a legally binding agreement that she would get it all back if we ever got divorced

Until that day I'd never believed the legends of the prenup butter and jelly ...

What’s the difference between a witch and a warlock?

The spelling.

Why dont witches wear panties?

So they can grip their broom better.


I know,I know.I posted this a few weeks back but because Halloween is coming up I thought maybe you might want to pass this around the office,bar,whatever.

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

Where do cannibals burn their witches?

At the stake house.

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Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.”

Ok Broomer.

What is it called when witches practice their spells?

Hex-ercise

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The little known legend about Attila the Hun

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

If you ever encounter an evil witch show them the periodic table

They're good at chemistry

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

Why do witches trust black cats?

Because their familiar

They launched a ride share app for witches...

It's called BroomService

What do you call a pig in a desert wearing a witches hat?

A ham sand witch.

A witch, a saint and a shaman all walk into a tavern...

The Witch says, "I get my powers from mixing brews and consorting with demons!"

The Shaman says, "What a coincidence! I get my power by communing with the spirits of the land."

The Saint laughs, "You are all heretics!" and burned the two at the stake in the name of his god.

Hermione doesn't receive her mail from Hograwrts

She grows older

Gets married

Has a son

And one day her son picks up a mail and reads it...

He rushes to Hermione and says

You are a Witch mother

and Hermione replies in shock

EMMA WAT SON???

My local book shop had a sale on "1/3 off all titles"

I scored a pristine hardback copy of 'The Lion, The Witch'

There once was a very stubborn witch...

She would never accept help from her friends, and insisted on fighting her enemies alone, saying she didn’t want to rely on anyone else. Because of this, she lost a fight and was trapped forever in a crystal necklace.

Now she’s really independent.

Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

Why do witches wear name tags?

So they know which witch is which!

(I used to say this all the time when I was younger)

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A witch put a curse on me and now my penis has a steering wheel

It drives me nuts

One morning when Dorothy woke up, she walked outside and realized she wasn't in Kansas anymore.

Just then, a good witch appeared. "Welcome to the land of Oz," she said. "If you want to return home, you must follow the yellow-brick road to the Emerald City and speak directly to the Wizard of Oz himself." And so, Dorothy set off down the yellow-brick road.

Dorothy walked through a farm an...

[salem witch trials]

**judge:** You are guilty of doing magic! What do you have to say for yourself young lady?

**woman:** It's misdirection!

**judge:** Oh sorry! *"Miss"* Direction, do you have anything to say?

**woman:** *sigh* nevermind...

A man is jogging through the woods.

He comes up on a clearing where he sees a figure and as he gets closer, he realizes it is a seriously ugly witch. On her right shoulder sits an equally ugly crow.

When he is about to run past her, the witch immediately addresses him: “If you can correctly name the animal on my shoulder, you c...

What do witch doctors write their letters in?

Cursive

What do you call a witch hunt in Byzantium?

Orthodoxxing

What type of witch goes to the beach?

A Sandwitch

A mathematician walks into a pub on Halloween.

The bartender hands him a menu with all of the holiday specials. The mathematician orders a “pumpkin porter.” When he finishes it, he orders a “witch’s brew.”

Later, he orders a pint of “Santa stout.” After paying his tab, the mathematician leaves.

An old guy sitting at the end of the...

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A man had a 25 inch dick and wanted it smaller. So he visited a witch in the woods. She said if he wants it smaller then he'd have to go further and find the talking frog. Then he must ask the frog to marry him and when the frog says "no" it'll shrink 5 inches.

Once he found it, he says, "Will you marry me?", but the frog says "No".

It shrunk 5 inches and he was amazed but it was still too big. Again he asked, "Will you marry me?"

"NO!", the frog yells. Now it shrunk 5 more inches but he thought 15 inches was still too big. He decided 10 woul...

Why can’t witches have babies?

Their husbands have hollow wieners!

Come on, better than why can’t fortune tellers have babies, Their husbands have crystal balls!

Two old men...

...decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night out on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old men and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. T...

What religion did the witch DJ follow?

Wicca Wicca

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