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A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

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me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!

######[100 years ago...]
**witch:** fuck this house

Why don't witches wear underwears ?

To get better grip on the broom.

An evil witch put a curse on a prince so that he could only speak one word each year.

If he didn't say anything for a year, he would be able to say two words the next year and so on.

One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three m...

If two witches buy two watches

Which witch would watch which watch?

A witch finishes watching Monsters Inc...

And has an idea. Surely if children’s laughter is more powerful, then orphans crying for joy would make their tears MORE magical! So she teleports outside of a young orphans bedroom and slowly enters the room.

Inside, the young child in the bed stirs awake. “Who’s there?” He asks the figure. ...

A witch was going through her recent order of newts...

... when her apprentice walked in. Noticing the witches frowning face, she asks “What’s wrong, Master?”

The witch replied, “Well, I’ve got some good newts and some bad newts...”

What happened to the angry witch on her broom?

She flew off the handle!

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What does the wizard say to a horny witch?

Get a broom!

Which school subject was the witch’s favorite?

Spelling!

We were having so much bad luck on our cul-de-sac that the HOA thought we had been cursed. They brought in a witch doctor and druid to scribe protective symbols and runes all over the road...

...well, that's the ward on the street anyway.

What do you call a witch who can never decide between casting good or bad spells?

A trans-hex-ual.

Witches don’t fart

They cast “smells”

A bard wants to be more powerful and so he strikes a deal with a witch

The witch says she will only grant his wish if he gives her his first born son

The bard laughs and says “sure! Good luck finding him”

Did you hear about the witch that was casting spells and driving at the same time?

She turned her car into a tree.

Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!

Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Look whe...

What did one Witch's cat say to the other

"You look familiar"

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There once lived the most beautiful woman any man had ever seen. Unfortunately, a jealous old witch put a spell on the woman:

For the rest of her life, a tiny gremlin would live inside her vagina, and bite the dick off of any man who tried to lay with her.

Several suitors had tried and failed, always losing their precious member to the gremlin.

Finally one day a cunning young man decided to give it a go. W...

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A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the...

What do witches do in the bathroom?

Bippity-boppity-poo.

What sound does a witch's motorcycle make?

BROOM, BROOOOOM!

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished

What is witches slang for a creampie?

The leaky cauldron

A prince which was in love with a princess was cursed by a witch so that he could only say 1 word each year, he didn´t speak for 4 years until he finally said "Princess, I love you" Then the princess looked at him and said

"What did you say?"







Btw, i took this from a novel i red so some might have heard it before.

A Emo and a leaf fall off a tree witch one hits the ground 1st?

The leaf, A rope stops the Emo

•What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?

Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

Vegan witches be like

ear of corn! Eye of Potato!

Dad: Hey why is there a lion and a witch in your wardrobe?

Son: It’s Narnia business!

What do you call a group of Amsterdam witches trapped in a stench-filled room?

A Dutch Coven.

Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

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A witch turned me into a piece of toast

but I got butter

My Mother-in-law told me she was going to a Witch and Wizard hunt in Manchester

According to my wife, “where are you planning on hiding” wasn’t the correct response.

What do you call a witch in the middle of the desert?

A Sandwich

Im sorry i go die now

How do witches write ?

in Cursive

What's the problem with twin witches?

You never know which witch is which.

Me: "A beautiful witch was hitch-hiking...

so I stopped and picked her up"

Friend: "How do you know she was a witch?"

Me: "Well she got in my car, put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel"

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at ‘em all and says “I ain’t serving Narnia!”

If you ever encounter an evil witch show them the periodic table

They're good at chemistry

What happens when a witch goes for a race?

Broom Broom

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I sexually identify as a Witch Doctor...

I'll take a little head from anyone.

A witch and her friend enter a race. When they get there, the witch’s ride is already there waiting for her. “Huh” the witch’s friend says. “I didn’t know you drive a stick.”

“It’s a broom, actually.” She says.

Why are witches bad at giving high fives?

Their friends always leave them hanging.

There was an evil witch who owned a parking lot.

The sign said, "$2.50/hour, 4 hours max"

"Violators will be toad"

What do you call a a pig wearing a witches hat in the Sahara?

A Ham Sand Witch.

A joke from my nephew... so please be kind.

How many types of witches are there? 3

A good witch, a bad witch, and a sandwich.

(My nephew is 24, and yes, we're all a little worried about him. He's not developmentally disabled or anything. He's just....?)

Why do witches trust black cats?

Because their familiar

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A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this

She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special...

I overheard a coven of witches sharing tips to keep cats off their altars.

I guess it’s a *familiar* problem.

Where do cannibals burn their witches?

At the stake house.

Why dont witches wear panties?

So they can grip their broom better.


I know,I know.I posted this a few weeks back but because Halloween is coming up I thought maybe you might want to pass this around the office,bar,whatever.

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Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.”

Ok Broomer.

What do you call a wizard without the 'd'?

A witch.

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A man with a 25 inch penis...

Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well giv...

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

What is it called when witches practice their spells?

Hex-ercise

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner. One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the so...

A witch, a saint and a shaman all walk into a tavern...

The Witch says, "I get my powers from mixing brews and consorting with demons!"

The Shaman says, "What a coincidence! I get my power by communing with the spirits of the land."

The Saint laughs, "You are all heretics!" and burned the two at the stake in the name of his god.

They launched a ride share app for witches...

It's called BroomService

What’s the difference between a witch and a warlock?

The spelling.

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A guy had a very very very long penis

He had so many problems with it that he finally realised he needed medical attention.

So he goes to the doctor but the doctor says: "There is nothing we can do... although... there is this witch on the hill that might have a fix for you."

So he went to the witch on the hill.

Upo...

[salem witch trials]

**judge:** You are guilty of doing magic! What do you have to say for yourself young lady?

**woman:** It's misdirection!

**judge:** Oh sorry! *"Miss"* Direction, do you have anything to say?

**woman:** *sigh* nevermind...

Why can’t witches have babies?

Their husbands have hollow wieners!

Come on, better than why can’t fortune tellers have babies, Their husbands have crystal balls!

What type of witch goes to the beach?

A Sandwitch

What do witch doctors write their letters in?

Cursive

There once was a very stubborn witch...

She would never accept help from her friends, and insisted on fighting her enemies alone, saying she didn’t want to rely on anyone else. Because of this, she lost a fight and was trapped forever in a crystal necklace.

Now she’s really independent.

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

What does a modern-day witch ride ?

A vroomstick

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A witch put a curse on me and now my penis has a steering wheel

It drives me nuts

Why can’t witches have babies?

Their husbands have hallow-weenies.

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3 Ugly Dudes

3 ugly guys were sick and tired of being ugly so they went to see a witch and ask for her advice.

The witch instructs the three to go to one specific bridge, jump off of it and while falling, yell how they want to look like. They could even simply name any celebrity and look like them.
...

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A man had a 25 inch dick and wanted it smaller. So he visited a witch in the woods. She said if he wants it smaller then he'd have to go further and find the talking frog. Then he must ask the frog to marry him and when the frog says "no" it'll shrink 5 inches.

Once he found it, he says, "Will you marry me?", but the frog says "No".

It shrunk 5 inches and he was amazed but it was still too big. Again he asked, "Will you marry me?"

"NO!", the frog yells. Now it shrunk 5 more inches but he thought 15 inches was still too big. He decided 10 woul...

Why do witches wear name tags?

So they know which witch is which!

(I used to say this all the time when I was younger)

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I translated this joke into English from my native language

Woman goes to the witch and asks what will she accomplish in her life the witch says: “You will cause death of 60 million people,, Woman runs through whole city and when she gets to her house she sees a small boy sitting in the middle of the road and big truck coming towards him she grabs him takes ...

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

I have a storybook marriage.

Lots of stories have witches.

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

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Once upon a time in a Kingdom far far away...

Over the seven seas and the seven rivers, over the seven deserts and seven forests, over the seven mountains and seven valleys. On a little hill there stood a house. From that house emerged an old witch and exclaimed:

"Why the fuck do I have to live all the way over here??!!"

What religion did the witch DJ follow?

Wicca Wicca

What's the difference between a witch and a which?

I'm not shore.

A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe enter a bar; the bartender eyes them quizzically and asks, "what're you up to with all that?"

The lion responds gruffly, "Narnia business!"




... I'm sorry.

Little Johnny and his mother were on a train.........

Johnny leant over and started to whisper in his mother’s ear.

Johnny, how many times have I told you, said his mother, it’s rude to whisper. If you have something to say, say it out loud.

OK, said Johnny, why does the lady over there look like an ugly, haggard old witch ?

What did the scary old lady say when she found a gold cauldron?

I’m gonna be witch.

Why did the witch have so many hickies?

She was dating a necromancer.

What did one witch say to the other at the harvest festival?

That's macabre

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In the land of Oz, there was a dark, musky swamp, and in this swamp there lived a bunch of deep green frogs.

Except for one frog, who was a pale yellow color. The yellow frog got made fun of all the time for being a different color, and one day he was so fed up he called out into the sky, “good witch Glinda, good witch Glinda, please turn me green!” And out of the sky, a little soap bubble floated down to ...

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They say it's colder than a Witches tit out..

So I touched my wife's tit, can confirm colder outside, but not by much.

I'm pretty convinced that tall girls are secretly witches

Every time I try to work up the courage to talk to one, I get turned into a chicken ☠️

What did the witch say after her broom was stolen?

"Well, good thing I can drive a stick."

The Witch Doctor

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he ...

In olde times, it's said that bog witches used to bewitch people or animals to carry messages over distances to each other.

They called it 'hexed messaging'.

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A Marine, a Navy Sailor, and an Air Force Pilot are all captured by an ISIS Witch Doctor..

The Witch Doctor goes to each of the men and says "I will grant you all one wish, however at the end you will be killed and made a part of my tent."

The sailor is up first and says "I wish to see my girlfriend one last time" the witch doctor conjures the sailors girlfriend and they say goodby...

Old Men

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:
'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in e...

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DOROTHY: oh no my house killed someone!

**GLINDA:** it's ok, she fucking sucked

**DOROTHY:** who are you?

**GLINDA:** i'm a good witch

**DOROTHY:** ...a— are you sure?

**GLINDA:** Yup. now let's steal that dead bitch's shoes

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