UPJOKE
witchcraftwarlockcovenfairywitch-huntnecromancyhexwiccanbewitchglamourhagenchantwiccamagicspell

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A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!

Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Look whe...

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

What's the difference between Daredevil and Scarlet Witch?

One knows how to cope without Vision.

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

a small village is home to three witches.

One witch puts up a sign in front of her house reading "Here lives the most powerful witch in the world!" A second witch sees the sign and puts up her own, reading "Here lives the most powerful witch in the universe!" The third witch sees both signs and puts up her own sign reading "Here lives the m...

why don't witches where underwear

So they can get a better grip on the broom

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Where can you learn about how to be a witch?

Wicca-pedia

Which school subject was the witch’s favorite?

Spelling!

What is the most prevalent STI wizards and witches get?

Hog warts.

What’s the difference between a witch and Geralt of Rivia?

A hard R

So there’s this witch that owns a motel and she’ll give you a discount room if you consent to her experimenting on you...

The sign outside says, “Come on in and rest for a spell”.

Why do witches and wizards do well in English class?

They're really good at spelling

Why can’t witches get pregnant

Because their husbands have hollow weenies

Why do witch covens have extra bathrooms?

Crone's Disease

What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?

Broomates!

A witch finishes watching Monsters Inc...

And has an idea. Surely if children’s laughter is more powerful, then orphans crying for joy would make their tears MORE magical! So she teleports outside of a young orphans bedroom and slowly enters the room.

Inside, the young child in the bed stirs awake. “Who’s there?” He asks the figure. ...

Why couldn't the witch have babies?

Because her husband had a hollow weenie.

I think my fuse box has a curse on it

Must have been the Mains Witch

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when I bi...

What do you call a witch from Texas?

A hexin' Texan

What does a witches car sound like?

BROOM BROOM

Joe's cat.

One day joe walks into his living room and sees that his cat has gone into labor, he quickly scoops her up and takes her to the vet. After waiting for around an hour the vet comes out and says "I'm sorry sir but your cat had a miscarriage" Shocked, Joe stands up and says "are you joking!?" to witch ...

When a leaf and an emo fall from a tree witch one hits the ground first

The leaf hits the ground first, emo just keeps hanging up there

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but she’ll change it into a newt.

Mike Tyson once tried to fight the Blair Witch right here in Maryland

He swung at her but he myth'd.

Did you hear about the fight at the witch's cafe?

It was bruja brew brouhaha.

Witches don’t fart

They cast “smells”

If two witches buy two watches

Which witch would watch which watch?

What were the lion and the witch doing in the wardrobe?

Narnia business

One day a bottle and a mirror were fighting of witch is worse to break.

"If you break me you get one year of bad luck" said the bottle.
"That is just one year. If you break me you get seven years of bad luck" answered the mirror.
But someone was laughing behind them. It was the condom who said "That is nothing. If you break me you get a life time of bad luck."

What you call a group of witches cooking simple recipes?

An Easy Bake Coven!

Q) How many witch doctors does it take to change a lightbulb??

A) Into what??

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

I have my wife to thank for this one: Why can't witches get pregnant?

Because their husbands have hallow-weenies!

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

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How does Scarlett Witch relieve Vision’s sexual tension?

Wanda Wacks-him-off.

Little man

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. " Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time? " The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can dr...

How come witches fly solo?

Because there's no broom left for anyone else.

.. worst part about the Salem witch trials....

... having to go door to door to tell neighbors you're a registered hex offender.

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A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the...

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The old king was suspicious of the young queen cheating on him.

So, with the help of a witch, he placed an invisible blade in the Queen's Hoo-Haw.

3 days later, the King summoned all the men he suspected and ordered them to take of their pants.

To the King's surprise, he found that all their penises had cuts in them from the blade, except for th...

Had an encounter with dyslexic witch..

I am safe cause she couldn't spell.

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Going home from the pub

Joseph and Diarmid are drinking in a pub having a fine old time when the proprietor calls for last round.

Joseph looks up and says. "Well, I'll be havin a last Guiness and then I'll sneak home."

"Sneak home?" Asks Diarmid. "What are you on about?"

"Well, you know how it go...

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The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests.

He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an i...

What sound does a witch's vehicle make? [OC]

Brrrrroooom brrrrroooom!

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There once lived the most beautiful woman any man had ever seen. Unfortunately, a jealous old witch put a spell on the woman:

For the rest of her life, a tiny gremlin would live inside her vagina, and bite the dick off of any man who tried to lay with her.

Several suitors had tried and failed, always losing their precious member to the gremlin.

Finally one day a cunning young man decided to give it a go. W...

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me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!

######[100 years ago...]
**witch:** fuck this house

A witch was going through her recent order of newts...

... when her apprentice walked in. Noticing the witches frowning face, she asks “What’s wrong, Master?”

The witch replied, “Well, I’ve got some good newts and some bad newts...”

My friend told me that she wanted to marry a witch doctor

My friend told me that she wanted to marry a witch doctor

I asked her, “Why? What’s the appeal?”

She replied, “Pwobabwy the financial secuwity”

The Four Witch Covens

There were once four powerful witch covens: the witches of the mountains, the deserts, the forests, and the seas. For a thousand years they made war with one another, casting curses and hexes and bringing all manner of malady to the land in their hatred for one another. One day, they decided the onl...

what do you call a country that's ruled by a lion, a witch and a wardrobe?

a banarnia republic

Did you hear about the witch that was casting spells and driving at the same time?

She turned her car into a tree.

What do you call a witch in the middle of the desert?

A Sandwich

Im sorry i go die now

I have a Blair Witch fetish....

I want my buddy to stand in the corner and not watch.

Happy Halloween!

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

All the witches be going to KFC tonight

They love some coven-ready chicken.

How do witches write ?

in Cursive

You know Usain Bolt's kids are called Thunder and Lightning, right? Well he had another child that got cursed by a witch.

Hex Bolt.

A prince which was in love with a princess was cursed by a witch so that he could only say 1 word each year, he didn´t speak for 4 years until he finally said "Princess, I love you" Then the princess looked at him and said

"What did you say?"







Btw, i took this from a novel i red so some might have heard it before.

Why did the witch from Hansel and Gretel always think she was sick?

She had Munch House-n syndrome

LETS FLY, WITCHES!

why don’t witches wear panties ?

So they can hold onto their broomsticks.

What does a witch bride ride?

Her Groomsdick

What do witches do in the bathroom?

Bippity-boppity-poo.

A bard wants to be more powerful and so he strikes a deal with a witch

The witch says she will only grant his wish if he gives her his first born son

The bard laughs and says “sure! Good luck finding him”

What did one Witch's cat say to the other

"You look familiar"

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

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What does the wizard say to a horny witch?

Get a broom!

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A witch turned me into a piece of toast

but I got butter

What did the Mexican say when the witch turned him into sauce?

Soy Sauce

We were having so much bad luck on our cul-de-sac that the HOA thought we had been cursed. They brought in a witch doctor and druid to scribe protective symbols and runes all over the road...

...well, that's the ward on the street anyway.

The Witches just came out.

Glad to see it; especially now that they’ve legalized same-hex marriage.

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

Excercising their right to freedom of speech, witches gathered in DC, chanting "Brooms are for riding, not cleaning!"

They are calling for a sweeping reformation.

My Mother-in-law told me she was going to a Witch and Wizard hunt in Manchester

According to my wife, “where are you planning on hiding” wasn’t the correct response.

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

What do you call a witch who can never decide between casting good or bad spells?

A trans-hex-ual.

All the nurses are dressing up as witches for Halloween!

They will be scaretakers.

A man was enjoying an evening stroll on the beach...

...when he came upon a group of four women building a fire. When they saw him one said, "This is a private ceremony. No men allowed!" The man apologized and turned around and went back the way he came, but curiousity got the best of him.

As soon as he was out of sight he went into the nearby...

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I sexually identify as a Witch Doctor...

I'll take a little head from anyone.

•What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?

Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

What do you call a group of Amsterdam witches trapped in a stench-filled room?

A Dutch Coven.

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A man had a 25 inch dick and wanted it smaller. So he visited a witch in the woods. She said if he wants it smaller then he'd have to go further and find the talking frog. Then he must ask the frog to marry him and when the frog says "no" it'll shrink 5 inches.

Once he found it, he says, "Will you marry me?", but the frog says "No".

It shrunk 5 inches and he was amazed but it was still too big. Again he asked, "Will you marry me?"

"NO!", the frog yells. Now it shrunk 5 more inches but he thought 15 inches was still too big. He decided 10 woul...

Why did the witch have so many hickies?

She was dating a necromancer.

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A witch put a curse on me and now my penis has a steering wheel

It drives me nuts

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The king is afraid that the queen was disloyal to him and had sex with the castle guards.

So the king got a witch to put a magical spell on the queen so that anything that goes into the queen’s body gets chopped off.

One day, the king decides to summon all the men up and orders them to show him their private parts.
All the men had no penis except one of them.
The king walk...

I asked the neighbourhood witch to help me assemble my new IKEA furniture, and we were done in record time.

Turns out, she is a hexpert at this.

A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe enter a bar; the bartender eyes them quizzically and asks, "what're you up to with all that?"

The lion responds gruffly, "Narnia business!"




... I'm sorry.

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O'Malley was really smashed this time.

I'm talking traffic cone huggin, pavement lickin kershnickered.

He was really doing good stumblin home, though. He made it all the way up the walk and almost to the top of the stairs before he fell back on the the pavement and heard the breaking of glass.

The pint of Paddy's he had ...

What happens when a witch goes for a race?

Broom Broom

What is witches slang for a creampie?

The leaky cauldron

A witch and her friend enter a race. When they get there, the witch’s ride is already there waiting for her. “Huh” the witch’s friend says. “I didn’t know you drive a stick.”

“It’s a broom, actually.” She says.

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

I searched in Google "How do I know if my wife is a witch".

You could've just asked me! - she yelled from the kitchen.

Why do witches wear name tags?

So they know which witch is which!

(I used to say this all the time when I was younger)

If you ever encounter an evil witch show them the periodic table

They're good at chemistry

Why do witches trust black cats?

Because their familiar

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