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A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!

Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Look whe...

Where can you learn about how to be a witch?

Wicca-pedia

Why do witches and wizards do well in English class?

They're really good at spelling

Why can’t witches get pregnant

Because their husbands have hollow weenies

Why don't witches wear panties?

To get a better grip on the broomstick.

Why couldn't the witch have babies?

Because her husband had a hollow weenie.

What do Daredevil and Scarlet Witch have in common?

They both don’t have vision.

Did you hear about the fight at the witch's cafe?

It was bruja brew brouhaha.

Which school subject was the witch’s favorite?

Spelling!

What you call a group of witches cooking simple recipes?

An Easy Bake Coven!

What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?

Broomates!

What do you call a witch from Texas?

A hexin' Texan

Q) How many witch doctors does it take to change a lightbulb??

A) Into what??

How does a witch style her hair?

She uses scare spray

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but she’ll change it into a newt.

What does a witches car sound like?

BROOM BROOM

Mike Tyson once tried to fight the Blair Witch right here in Maryland

He swung at her but he myth'd.

I’m not gonna tell you what happens in The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe...

It’s Narnia business!

A witch finishes watching Monsters Inc...

And has an idea. Surely if children’s laughter is more powerful, then orphans crying for joy would make their tears MORE magical! So she teleports outside of a young orphans bedroom and slowly enters the room.

Inside, the young child in the bed stirs awake. “Who’s there?” He asks the figure. ...

One day a bottle and a mirror were fighting of witch is worse to break.

"If you break me you get one year of bad luck" said the bottle.
"That is just one year. If you break me you get seven years of bad luck" answered the mirror.
But someone was laughing behind them. It was the condom who said "That is nothing. If you break me you get a life time of bad luck."

When a leaf and an emo fall from a tree witch one hits the ground first

The leaf hits the ground first, emo just keeps hanging up there

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The old king was suspicious of the young queen cheating on him.

So, with the help of a witch, he placed an invisible blade in the Queen's Hoo-Haw.

3 days later, the King summoned all the men he suspected and ordered them to take of their pants.

To the King's surprise, he found that all their penises had cuts in them from the blade, except for th...

I have my wife to thank for this one: Why can't witches get pregnant?

Because their husbands have hallow-weenies!

What do witches bake cakes in?

Covens

.. worst part about the Salem witch trials....

... having to go door to door to tell neighbors you're a registered hex offender.

How come witches fly solo?

Because there's no broom left for anyone else.

If two witches buy two watches

Which witch would watch which watch?

Witches don’t fart

They cast “smells”

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

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How does Scarlett Witch relieve Vision’s sexual tension?

Wanda Wacks-him-off.

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The legend of Attila the Hun.

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

Had an encounter with dyslexic witch..

I am safe cause she couldn't spell.

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The king is afraid that the queen was disloyal to him and had sex with the castle guards.

So the king got a witch to put a magical spell on the queen so that anything that goes into the queen’s body gets chopped off.

One day, the king decides to summon all the men up and orders them to show him their private parts.
All the men had no penis except one of them.
The king walk...

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

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A banker down on his luck has decided to end it all

A young banker is standing on a tree limb with a rope around his neck, ready to end it all. He sees movement to his side and an ugly old woman comes from the brush, calling for him to stop.

“Stop! Why would a young man like yourself be doing such a thing?”

“My life is ruined!” He resp...

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A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the...

You know Usain Bolt's kids are called Thunder and Lightning, right? Well he had another child that got cursed by a witch.

Hex Bolt.

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me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!

######[100 years ago...]
**witch:** fuck this house

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

what do you call a country that's ruled by a lion, a witch and a wardrobe?

a banarnia republic

My friend told me that she wanted to marry a witch doctor

My friend told me that she wanted to marry a witch doctor

I asked her, “Why? What’s the appeal?”

She replied, “Pwobabwy the financial secuwity”

The Four Witch Covens

There were once four powerful witch covens: the witches of the mountains, the deserts, the forests, and the seas. For a thousand years they made war with one another, casting curses and hexes and bringing all manner of malady to the land in their hatred for one another. One day, they decided the onl...

I have a Blair Witch fetish....

I want my buddy to stand in the corner and not watch.

Happy Halloween!

What sound does a witch's vehicle make? [OC]

Brrrrroooom brrrrroooom!

All the witches be going to KFC tonight

They love some coven-ready chicken.

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There once lived the most beautiful woman any man had ever seen. Unfortunately, a jealous old witch put a spell on the woman:

For the rest of her life, a tiny gremlin would live inside her vagina, and bite the dick off of any man who tried to lay with her.

Several suitors had tried and failed, always losing their precious member to the gremlin.

Finally one day a cunning young man decided to give it a go. W...

How do witches write ?

in Cursive

A witch was going through her recent order of newts...

... when her apprentice walked in. Noticing the witches frowning face, she asks “What’s wrong, Master?”

The witch replied, “Well, I’ve got some good newts and some bad newts...”

LETS FLY, WITCHES!

why don’t witches wear panties ?

So they can hold onto their broomsticks.

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A few men are waiting in line for ice cream

It was a beautiful sunny day and while the sun stayed shining it began to rain (something that doesn't happen that often)

An old white man at the front of the line turns back to everyone else and says

"Here in America we used to say "The devil's been beatin' his wife" when the weather ...

Why did the witch from Hansel and Gretel always think she was sick?

She had Munch House-n syndrome

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

Did you hear about the witch that was casting spells and driving at the same time?

She turned her car into a tree.

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

What did one Witch's cat say to the other

"You look familiar"

A prince which was in love with a princess was cursed by a witch so that he could only say 1 word each year, he didn´t speak for 4 years until he finally said "Princess, I love you" Then the princess looked at him and said

"What did you say?"







Btw, i took this from a novel i red so some might have heard it before.

What does a witch bride ride?

Her Groomsdick

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Two friends are stranded in the desert...

After roaming around for days they stumble on a small cottage and meet a 90 year old witch who promises to cast a spell to send them back to civilization if one of them will have 3 rounds of sex with her. Hell no! One friend exclaims. The other thinks about it for a minute and volunteers to go in an...

All the nurses are dressing up as witches for Halloween!

They will be scaretakers.

What do you call a witch in the middle of the desert?

A Sandwich

Im sorry i go die now

A bard wants to be more powerful and so he strikes a deal with a witch

The witch says she will only grant his wish if he gives her his first born son

The bard laughs and says “sure! Good luck finding him”

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What does the wizard say to a horny witch?

Get a broom!

The Witches just came out.

Glad to see it; especially now that they’ve legalized same-hex marriage.

What do witches do in the bathroom?

Bippity-boppity-poo.

My neighbor knocked on my door and said it was too early to decorate my house for Halloween

Big talk from someone who wears her witch costume year-round.

We were having so much bad luck on our cul-de-sac that the HOA thought we had been cursed. They brought in a witch doctor and druid to scribe protective symbols and runes all over the road...

...well, that's the ward on the street anyway.

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Mike Tyson is a jerk

Alright, so Mike Tyson is kind of a dick. He treats all the people around him like shit. His friends, his family, etc. One day, he goes to a restaurant and just refuses to tip his waitress. Little does he know, the waitress was actually a witch. To get revenge, the witch conjures up a spirit to curs...

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A witch turned me into a piece of toast

but I got butter

My Mother-in-law told me she was going to a Witch and Wizard hunt in Manchester

According to my wife, “where are you planning on hiding” wasn’t the correct response.

What do you call a witch who can never decide between casting good or bad spells?

A trans-hex-ual.

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The guy with the giant penis

There once was a man with a 50 centimeter long schlong. He could not find any partners because it was too long. So he went to the Doctor’s office.

«Doctor, please help me! My penis is too long and I want it sportened, is there anything you can do?»

- «No.» said the doctor. «But.. There...

•What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?

Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

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I sexually identify as a Witch Doctor...

I'll take a little head from anyone.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey for himself and one for his best friend

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey for himself and one for his best friend

The bartender, seeing only 1 guy, asks, "Do you want me to wait until he gets here?"

The guy says, "Oh, he's right here." Then reaches into his pocket and pulls a 6 inch (150mm) guy out and sets...

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Two wasted guys walk into a brothel...

The seasoned madam sees the wasted men and tells her girls, "These fellas are hammered! Put them in the rooms with blow-up dolls. They'll never notice the difference due to their intoxication."

The girls do as instructed and escort the men into their room. A few minutes pass, the men finish u...

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink an...

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at ‘em all and says “I ain’t serving Narnia!”

Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

What is witches slang for a creampie?

The leaky cauldron

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These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

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Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

What’s the difference between a witch and a warlock?

The spelling.

What happens when a witch goes for a race?

Broom Broom

What do modern-day witches ride?

Vacuum cleaners

There was an evil witch who owned a parking lot.

The sign said, "$2.50/hour, 4 hours max"

"Violators will be toad"

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A man had a 25 inch dick and wanted it smaller. So he visited a witch in the woods. She said if he wants it smaller then he'd have to go further and find the talking frog. Then he must ask the frog to marry him and when the frog says "no" it'll shrink 5 inches.

Once he found it, he says, "Will you marry me?", but the frog says "No".

It shrunk 5 inches and he was amazed but it was still too big. Again he asked, "Will you marry me?"

"NO!", the frog yells. Now it shrunk 5 more inches but he thought 15 inches was still too big. He decided 10 woul...

Why do witches trust black cats?

Because their familiar

Me: "A beautiful witch was hitch-hiking...

so I stopped and picked her up"

Friend: "How do you know she was a witch?"

Me: "Well she got in my car, put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel"

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A witch put a curse on me and now my penis has a steering wheel

It drives me nuts

Why dont witches wear panties?

So they can grip their broom better.


I know,I know.I posted this a few weeks back but because Halloween is coming up I thought maybe you might want to pass this around the office,bar,whatever.

Why do witches wear name tags?

So they know which witch is which!

(I used to say this all the time when I was younger)

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