UPJOKE
witchcraftwarlockcovenfairywitch-huntenchantressnecromancyhexwiccanbewitchglamourhagenchantwiccamagic

Witch Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

MacBeth meets the three witches on the marsh.

''Hail MacBeth. For a fee we will predict your future.''

-''Really? How much?''

''10 Pence per predicted year.''

''I want a prediction for my *whole* life.''

''That'll be 5 pence.''

- Herman Finkers

Why did the old witch in the woods get removed from the Grimm's fairy tales?

Hansel Culture.



\-- Late Night with Seth Meyers

(I apologize for this)

Two brothers are knights, and one is kidnapped by a foul witch

The older brother goes to rescue his brother from the clenches of the awful witch. When he arrives, he points his sword at her and demands that she let his brother go.

"You cannot kill me with that sword, pitiful knight," she says, "for I am far too powerful. You must offer me something in ...

why don't witches wear underwear?

So they can get a better grip

What's the first thing a young witch learns?

How to spell.

Three witches are standing around a bubbling caldron.

The first witch tastes the brew. "It needs an eye of newt," she says.

"Agreed" says the second.

"Aye," says the newt.

"Perfect," says the third.

What's the difference between Daredevil and Scarlet Witch?

One knows how to cope without Vision.

What are the preferred pronouns for a Witch

He He He

A witch was flying on her broom when she noticed that all the witches she passed were flying on vacuum cleaners.

She thought to herself, "Am I the only one who still drives a stick?"

what did the angry witch do while riding her broom?

She flew off the handle.

What happens when a witch breaks the sound barrier?

You hear a sonic broom.

Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!

Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Look whe...

What do you call a witch that lives at the beach?

A sand witch.

I made this one up myself... What sound does a witch make when it speeds past you on the highway ?

BRVOOM BRVOOM!!!

What was the Witches favorite subject in school?

Spelling

Witch doctor

A man walks into a bar and says, ''Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.'' Bartender says, ''You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?'' The guy says, ''Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here.'' He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can’t witches have kids?

They have crystal balls and hallow weenies

Why are witches never sweaty?

They wear moisture-wiccan clothes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

I’m pitching a show about magical arts in the legal system

Subpoena the Teenage Witch

What happens to illiterate witches in school?

They get expelled!

a small village is home to three witches.

One witch puts up a sign in front of her house reading "Here lives the most powerful witch in the world!" A second witch sees the sign and puts up her own, reading "Here lives the most powerful witch in the universe!" The third witch sees both signs and puts up her own sign reading "Here lives the m...

What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?

Broomates!

Where can you learn about how to be a witch?

Wicca-pedia

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

why do witches only fly on brooms?

vacuum cleaners are too heavy

What does the wicked witch of west say when cooking eggs and bacon?

FRY MY PRETTIES!

What is the most prevalent STI wizards and witches get?

Hog warts.

Why do witches and wizards do well in English class?

They're really good at spelling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Szechuan STD

Guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I've been having a bit of trouble urinating and it's getting sore, more sore every day."

Doctor told him to undress and lie on the bench. So he did, and the doctor came back, examined him and shook his head. "You been to China recently?"

"Well, y...

Why can’t witches get pregnant

Because their husbands have hollow weenies

What does a witches car sound like?

BROOM BROOM

A witch finishes watching Monsters Inc...

And has an idea. Surely if children’s laughter is more powerful, then orphans crying for joy would make their tears MORE magical! So she teleports outside of a young orphans bedroom and slowly enters the room.

Inside, the young child in the bed stirs awake. “Who’s there?” He asks the figure. ...

What were the lion and the witch doing in the wardrobe?

Narnia business

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

Why do witch covens have extra bathrooms?

Crone's Disease

Witches don’t fart

They cast “smells”

How do witches write ?

in Cursive

One day a bottle and a mirror were fighting of witch is worse to break.

"If you break me you get one year of bad luck" said the bottle.
"That is just one year. If you break me you get seven years of bad luck" answered the mirror.
But someone was laughing behind them. It was the condom who said "That is nothing. If you break me you get a life time of bad luck."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!

######[100 years ago...]
**witch:** fuck this house

Why couldn't the witch have babies?

Because her husband had a hollow weenie.

So there’s this witch that owns a motel and she’ll give you a discount room if you consent to her experimenting on you...

The sign outside says, “Come on in and rest for a spell”.

Q) How many witch doctors does it take to change a lightbulb??

A) Into what??

When a leaf and an emo fall from a tree witch one hits the ground first

The leaf hits the ground first, emo just keeps hanging up there

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar, sits down at the counter and orders a beer in a glass and a beer in a thimble.
The waiter finds his request strange, but he complies.
Suddenly a tiny man comes out of the man's shirt pocket, sits down on the bar and drinks his beer from the thimble. The waiter looks at ...

A witch was going through her recent order of newts...

... when her apprentice walked in. Noticing the witches frowning face, she asks “What’s wrong, Master?”

The witch replied, “Well, I’ve got some good newts and some bad newts...”

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but she’ll change it into a newt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man's curse

A man was cursed by a wicked witch. He could speak only one word per year, so if he said a word, he had to wait for another year to say another one.

One day, he saw a woman. Beautiful, splendid, sexy, breathtaking!! So he then decided to take the chance of marrying her, so he had to plan what...

Mike Tyson once tried to fight the Blair Witch right here in Maryland

He swung at her but he myth'd.

If two witches buy two watches

Which witch would watch which watch?

How come witches fly solo?

Because there's no broom left for anyone else.

What sound does a witch's vehicle make? [OC]

Brrrrroooom brrrrroooom!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the...

What you call a group of witches cooking simple recipes?

An Easy Bake Coven!

What do you call a witch from Texas?

A hexin' Texan

How does a witch style her hair?

She uses scare spray

Nine Words

Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.

This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.

Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<...

I have my wife to thank for this one: Why can't witches get pregnant?

Because their husbands have hallow-weenies!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Scarlett Witch relieve Vision’s sexual tension?

Wanda Wacks-him-off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two elderly men

Got wasted drunk one evening and decided to go to a brothel.
The madam seeing how out of it both of them were decided to give them blow up dolls instead of real women.

The next day the two old men met up again and started sharing their experiences of the previous night.

The first o...

Did you hear about the witch that was casting spells and driving at the same time?

She turned her car into a tree.

The Four Witch Covens

There were once four powerful witch covens: the witches of the mountains, the deserts, the forests, and the seas. For a thousand years they made war with one another, casting curses and hexes and bringing all manner of malady to the land in their hatred for one another. One day, they decided the onl...

.. worst part about the Salem witch trials....

... having to go door to door to tell neighbors you're a registered hex offender.

A prince which was in love with a princess was cursed by a witch so that he could only say 1 word each year, he didn´t speak for 4 years until he finally said "Princess, I love you" Then the princess looked at him and said

"What did you say?"







Btw, i took this from a novel i red so some might have heard it before.

What do you call a witch in the middle of the desert?

A Sandwich

Im sorry i go die now

Had an encounter with dyslexic witch..

I am safe cause she couldn't spell.

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once lived the most beautiful woman any man had ever seen. Unfortunately, a jealous old witch put a spell on the woman:

For the rest of her life, a tiny gremlin would live inside her vagina, and bite the dick off of any man who tried to lay with her.

Several suitors had tried and failed, always losing their precious member to the gremlin.

Finally one day a cunning young man decided to give it a go. W...

You know Usain Bolt's kids are called Thunder and Lightning, right? Well he had another child that got cursed by a witch.

Hex Bolt.

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

My friend told me that she wanted to marry a witch doctor

My friend told me that she wanted to marry a witch doctor

I asked her, “Why? What’s the appeal?”

She replied, “Pwobabwy the financial secuwity”

What do witches bake cakes in?

Covens

Jack is hosting a halloween costume party

Jack is hosting a Halloween costume party. He sends invitations to every one of his friends. He prepares excellent food, hires a band for music, sets up the tables and furniture, et cetera.

Then the big day comes. All of Jack’s friends come dressed in their finest costumes. Frankenstein’s Mon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The screw and the bellybutton

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imagina...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A witch turned me into a piece of toast

but I got butter

LETS FLY, WITCHES!

why don’t witches wear panties ?

So they can hold onto their broomsticks.

I have a Blair Witch fetish....

I want my buddy to stand in the corner and not watch.

Happy Halloween!

My Mother-in-law told me she was going to a Witch and Wizard hunt in Manchester

According to my wife, “where are you planning on hiding” wasn’t the correct response.

Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

what do you call a country that's ruled by a lion, a witch and a wardrobe?

a banarnia republic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when I bi...

What do witches do in the bathroom?

Bippity-boppity-poo.

What do you call a witch who can never decide between casting good or bad spells?

A trans-hex-ual.

Why did the witch from Hansel and Gretel always think she was sick?

She had Munch House-n syndrome

What does a witch bride ride?

Her Groomsdick

its an old one but I think its funny.

So, in the summer, I go do some work. I was looking for a job, and found house painting.

A couple of days after my first day, we where going to paint a fairly big house. We did it with the 3 of us, because then the job will be done quicker.

One day, one of us fell down the lader, 3 f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a Witch Doctor...

I'll take a little head from anyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had a 25 inch dick and wanted it smaller. So he visited a witch in the woods. She said if he wants it smaller then he'd have to go further and find the talking frog. Then he must ask the frog to marry him and when the frog says "no" it'll shrink 5 inches.

Once he found it, he says, "Will you marry me?", but the frog says "No".

It shrunk 5 inches and he was amazed but it was still too big. Again he asked, "Will you marry me?"

"NO!", the frog yells. Now it shrunk 5 more inches but he thought 15 inches was still too big. He decided 10 woul...

Why do witches wear name tags?

So they know which witch is which!

(I used to say this all the time when I was younger)

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.