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Elf Jokes

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What type of elf is the rudest?

A go fuck yourself

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How do you make an elf horny?

Fairy moans.

A human, an elf and a dwarf walk into a bar...

The Hobbit laughs and walks under it.

Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular shot

Bartender pours out something that looks like candy cane. “It’s called ‘Elf Cum’”.

Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, “Gee, that’s really good, but why do you call it ‘Elf Cum’?”

Bartender replies, “When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, ‘That tastes just like ...

The Christmas Elf

A Christmas elf walks into a bar and orders an eggnog. "What brings you to town?" the bartender asks. "I'm taking music classes at the community college. Santa requires it of all the Christmas elves now," the elf says. "It's supposed to improve our rapping skills."

Why wasn't the elf allowed to use the step ladder to decorate the Christmas tree?

Because of 'elf and safety restrictions.

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Who's Santa's rudest elf?

Gofuckyours elf.

Did you guys hear about the elf who got tangled up in sleigh bells on his way back to Santa's workshop?

They said he jingled all the way.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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So this Elf, Dwarf and a Thief go out on an adventure

So this Dwarf, Elf and Thief go out on adventure - the Elf armed with a great bow, the Dwarf with a warhammer and the thief with an empty sack "for all the gold we'll find!" They travel for days and days until they approach the entrance to a dangerous and dark dungeon. Bu they see that another par...

A guy dressed up in an elf suit walks into a bar

"Could you name all of Santa's reindeer?" he asks the bartender. "Oh my God!" the bartender said with tears in his eyes. "It would be an honor."

What do you call a house elf that edits documents?

A-Dobby.

(Adobe)

Omar Epps moved next to Chris Hemsworth.

Initially they didn't talk much, but after a little time they started having family get-togethers. They became good friends for a while, even going so far as to have little decoration challenges every holiday.

Omar always pulled out all the stops come Christmas, and he seemed to enjoy it so m...

Why did the elf go to kindergarten?

To learn the elf-a-bet!

I just overheard my 5yo tell this to his older brother. He made sure to add emphasis to "elf-a-bet", in case his brother didn't get it. Not sure where he heard this - it came out of the blue.

What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?

Anything you want. He can't hear you.

What's the difference between cardi b and an elf?

An elf can wrap.

Is Eminem an elf?

Because he is a wrap god.

What would you call Dobby, the house elf, if he were a really good speaker?

Dolby.

What's every elf's favourite type of music?

Wrap

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Everyone knows elf on the shelf,

But who's gonna step up and put chili on their willy?

An Elf, an Orc, and a Dragonborn walk into a bar...

There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.

Ice Bank Mice Elf

(repeat this 10 times fast)

What did the elf say after an orc stole his Legos?

I’m Legolas.

Li was an elf, but instead of the normal greenish tint to her skin, she had a bit of blue to her...

"My mother is an elvish queen..." she was fond of bragging, but her mother's husband the elf lord was a green-hued elf himself, and it was often whispered that Li was a product of a youthful dalliance of her mother's. How else to explain her unusual skin tone?

One evening, while in the palace...

A dwarf, an elf, and a man are wading a river.

The elf says, “Wow, the water reaches up to my waist!”
The man says, “Well it reaches my chest.”
The dwarf says nothing.

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[NSFW] An Orc and an Elf are sitting at a tavern looking at a pretty hobbit girl.

"I took her on a date last night," bragged the Orc.
"And she let me reach under the table and diddle her hairy twat!"

"Liar." Says the Elf.
"It's true! She loved it. Go ask her." Says the Orc.

So the Elf approaches the pretty Hobbit.
"Is it true that you went on a date with t...

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

What sort of elf lives in a can?

A sprite

You guys, I just drew a really cool creature - it's half moose, half elf

Sorry to boast, I'm just feeling pretty proud of moose-elf.

Which elf was the best singer?

Elfis Presley

(I’ll get my coat)

What do you call an elf that lives in the ghetto?

A Hood Nymph

What do you call a double-amputee Irish elf?

Leg O'Las

You've heard of Elf on a Shelf, but have you heard...

Jeffrey Epstein definitely didn't kill himself.

Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf

Mensch on a bench

What do you call it when a toy and an elf have a baby girl?

Lego Lass

My great uncle Chuck started the elf on a shelf tradition.

Well, actually, he was a drunk on a bunk, but we toned it down for the kids.

When is an elf not an elf?

When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin.

Captain Crunch, Frankenberry, Count Chocula, and the Lucky Charms Elf were all murdered last night...

It seems it might have been a cerial killer

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

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A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail.

A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail beside a stream when they stop to piss. Afterwards the human takes out some soap and cleans his hands "cleanliness is next to godliness," he says to the others. The elf takes some leaves off a nearby tree and wipes his hands with them "we elves h...

Why did the elf have to play with Mega Bloks?

Because he was Legoless

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Two elves walk into Santa's office.

Santa looks up and says, "Gary, Larry, how can I help you?" Gary and Larry look at each other, then turn to Santa.
"Santa", Gary says, "Are there any elf nuns in the workshop?" Santa checks a list and says, "No, I'm sorry but there are no elf nuns in the workshop."
Gary asks, "Well Santa, ...

This one's for the D&D players. A human, an elf and a dragonborn walk into a bar.

The gnome and halfling walk underneath perfectly fine.

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A man goes to a doctor for incontinence...

A man goes to the doctor for incontinence.

Man: Doc, I have a problem. I keep peeing in bed in the middle of the night.

Doc: Why? What's the problem.

Man: Well, in the middle of the night, right around midnight, this little elf appears. He climbs up in my bed, goes up to...

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A man is strolling through the woods.. Suddenly,

He hears a voice in the distance. He decides to walk towards the voice, it could be someone in danger after all! What could it be? He starts walking a little faster. Weird, he thinks, it seems as if another person joined. Yeah its actually two voices right now, and he hears what they are saying: WE ...

Why was the elf in a wheelchair?

Because he was Legolas!

What kind of jokes would a depressed elf tell?

Elf-deprecating.

What's the first thing an elf learns in school?

The elf-abet...

What do you call an Elf that sings?

A wrapper!

Merry Christmas.


I hope you got what you wished for. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

What do you get when you mix an elf and a scientologist?

Elrond Hubbard!

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Santa and Mrs. Clause

Santa has been so busy with getting toys ready for next Christmas that he hasn't been able to be intimate with Mrs. Clause. They realized it had been 3 months since the last time they have had sex. That night, Santa decided to take a break from making toys to be intimate with his wife .

That ...

The Hero: I'm on a quest to avenge the death of my Father!

The Paladin: You have my sword!

The Elf: And my bow!

The Dwarf: And my axe!

The Necromancer: And your father!

An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Hobbit walk into a bar...

All three proceed to eat, drink and have a good time, slamming down pint after pint of ale until finally the pub was closing. The bartender asks them how he should split the tab as it was a pretty hefty sum.

"I got this," replies the Elf as he looks at the bill. "My two friends here are alway...

An Elf Ranger was touring the remote mountain village in which he lived, when suddenly a man ran out of the house and came up to him.

"Ranger!" the man demanded. "My wife recently gave birth to an Elf! And you are the only Elf anywhere around here, everyone else is human! Explain yourself!"

"Now, don't judge too harshly," The Ranger answered and pointed towards the boars in the man's front yard. "You see, boars are normally...

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

Warrior: I swear I will have my revenge for the death of my brother!

Elf: You have my bow.

Dwarf: And my axe.

Necromancer: And your brother.

Christmas elves

An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."

A book fell on my head today

I only have my shelf to blame

Almost everyone at the North Pole becomes extremely anxious whenever Santa feels depressed

That’s when he’s most likely to elf harm.

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

What is Father Christmas's tax status?

What is Father Christmas's tax status?

Elf-employed.

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

Once there was a small town

Within this town there was a man named Epydidumus Roderigo the Third, but for simplicity, everyone called him Ep. If there was one thing Ep was known for it was his antique fork, that was passed down through his family for generations and was so old and weathered that only one tine remained on the f...

So an elf walks into an animal shelter...

...and, being from the North Pole, he wants a hound dog to run a transport system. This particular shelter stocks only mutts.

On the first day, the elf says, "What type of dog is that one there?" he asks, pointing to a cage. "That's a cross between a Labrador and a Poodle," responds the clerk...

Two elves are winding down in the North Pole bar after a long day of making toys.

After downing some shots of peppermint schnapps, the first elf says to the second, “That COVID outbreak in China has really messed up the toy production schedule. I don’t think Santa has ever pushed us so hard!”.

The second one added, “Yeah, things were so bad today that Rudolph and Blitzen...

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Why did Santa’s helper see a therapist?

Because they had low elf-esteem.

A judge is hearing a murder trial.

Imp and her spirite-elf that was killed and the suspect, a 16 year old who's represented by his father, Ep.

After hearing the case, the judge decides.

Ep's teen didn't kill Imp's elf.

Dad Joke

Don’t care what my 10yo daughter does or says from this forward, I’ll always be a proud Father…

She asked me “what do you call a Elf that just won the lottery… Welfy”

A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar...

The bar tender looks up

"What is this? A joke?"

Christmas Jokes!

Saw these Christmas one-liners. If everyone is drunk at Christmas, these might be funny!

Q: What do you call an elf who sings? A: a wrapper!

Q: Why is Christmas just like your job? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: Why is Santa so jolly...

At Santa's workshop, there are no Christmas bonuses. Why not?

Because they're all elf-employed.

For German-speakers: How many helpers does Weihnachtsmann have?

Elf.

The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...

It'll be known as the National Elf Service.

I wish I had emo hair

So it would cut its self

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