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Who is the meanest elf?

Go fuck yours-elf

An elf walks into a bar...

The dwarf laughs and walks under it.

Why did the elf go to kindergarten?

To learn the elf-a-bet!

I just overheard my 5yo tell this to his older brother. He made sure to add emphasis to "elf-a-bet", in case his brother didn't get it. Not sure where he heard this - it came out of the blue.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

For German-speakers: How many helpers does Weihnachtsmann have?

Elf.

Captain Crunch, Frankenberry, Count Chocula, and the Lucky Charms Elf were all murdered last night...

It seems it might have been a cerial killer

TIL: Orlando Bloom was only paid $175,000 (USD) for his role as Legolas in the LOTR trilogy.

One might say he was definitely not an Elf made millionaire.

What’s every elf’s favorite type of music?

Wrap.

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

What's the difference between cardi b and an elf?

An elf can wrap.

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Who's Santa's rudest elf?

Gofuckyours elf.

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Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage.

It was elf and safety gone mad.

Who's Santas favorite singer?

Elf-is Presley !

A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar...

The bar tender looks up

"What is this? A joke?"

A human, an elf and a dwarf go dungeon crawling

They loot the entire place successfully and start the journey back to the tavern through the woods. On their way back they're ambushed by a tribe of goblins who inform them that they're trespassing. The chief tells them that the punishment for trespassing is twenty lashes but seeing as he's in a g...

What do you call it when a toy and an elf have a baby girl?

Lego Lass

The Hero: I'm on a quest to avenge the death of my Father!

The Paladin: You have my sword!

The Elf: And my bow!

The Dwarf: And my axe!

The Necromancer: And your father!

You guys, I just drew a really cool creature - it's half moose, half elf

Sorry to boast, I'm just feeling pretty proud of moose-elf.

You've heard of Elf on a Shelf, but have you heard...

Jeffrey Epstein definitely didn't kill himself.

What do you call an elf that lives in the ghetto?

A Hood Nymph

A judge is hearing a murder trial.

Imp and her spirite-elf that was killed and the suspect, a 16 year old who's represented by his father, Ep.

After hearing the case, the judge decides.

Ep's teen didn't kill Imp's elf.

What do you call a double-amputee Irish elf?

Leg O'Las

An Elf, an Orc, and a Dragonborn walk into a bar...

There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.

Is Eminem an elf?

Because he is a wrap god.

A dwarf, an elf, and a man are wading a river.

The elf says, “Wow, the water reaches up to my waist!”
The man says, “Well it reaches my chest.”
The dwarf says nothing.

An Elf Ranger was touring the remote mountain village in which he lived, when suddenly a man ran out of the house and came up to him.

"Ranger!" the man demanded. "My wife recently gave birth to an Elf! And you are the only Elf anywhere around here, everyone else is human! Explain yourself!"

"Now, don't judge too harshly," The Ranger answered and pointed towards the boars in the man's front yard. "You see, boars are normally...

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

This one's for the D&D players. A human, an elf and a dragonborn walk into a bar.

The gnome and halfling walk underneath perfectly fine.

Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf

Mensch on a bench

What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?

Anything you want. He can't hear you.

What do you call a female elf?

Shelf

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

The elf in the Fellowship of the Ring must not have had that great of a childhood.

Since there's no plastic in Middle Earth, he was lego-less

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Everyone knows elf on the shelf,

But who's gonna step up and put chili on their willy?

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Doctor’s appointment

I went to the doctor’s recently to get tested for some STDs (it has been a crazy year, guys)
So I went into his Office and told him about my situation... When I was done explaining I asked him:
“So... How are we going to do this?”
He looked at me, smiled and Said:
“Well, son, you’ve hear...

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A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail.

A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail beside a stream when they stop to piss. Afterwards the human takes out some soap and cleans his hands "cleanliness is next to godliness," he says to the others. The elf takes some leaves off a nearby tree and wipes his hands with them "we elves h...

What did Han Solo say to the Keebler elf who complained he couldn't understand Chewbacca?

Sorry friend, that's the way the Wookiee mumbles.

My great uncle Chuck started the elf on a shelf tradition.

Well, actually, he was a drunk on a bunk, but we toned it down for the kids.

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[NSFW] An Orc and an Elf are sitting at a tavern looking at a pretty hobbit girl.

"I took her on a date last night," bragged the Orc.
"And she let me reach under the table and diddle her hairy twat!"

"Liar." Says the Elf.
"It's true! She loved it. Go ask her." Says the Orc.

So the Elf approaches the pretty Hobbit.
"Is it true that you went on a date with t...

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

What kind of jokes would a depressed elf tell?

Elf-deprecating.

Did you hear about Legolas' murder trial?

He was innocent. Turns out it was elf defense.

Why did the elf have to play with Mega Bloks?

Because he was Legoless

What do you get when you mix an elf and a scientologist?

Elrond Hubbard!

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Little Peter has can’t stop peeing in his bed every night.

After some time the parents decided to go see a psychiatrist so maybe he can find out what’s the problem. The psychiatrist asked Peter: “Why do you think you pee in the bed every night?” Peter answered “Because every night in my dreams come a little elf and every night he asks me-Did we pee tonight?...

Once there was a small town

Within this town there was a man named Epydidumus Roderigo the Third, but for simplicity, everyone called him Ep. If there was one thing Ep was known for it was his antique fork, that was passed down through his family for generations and was so old and weathered that only one tine remained on the f...

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A man goes to a doctor for incontinence...

A man goes to the doctor for incontinence.

Man: Doc, I have a problem. I keep peeing in bed in the middle of the night.

Doc: Why? What's the problem.

Man: Well, in the middle of the night, right around midnight, this little elf appears. He climbs up in my bed, goes up to...

Why was the elf in a wheelchair?

Because he was Legolas!

What's the first thing an elf learns in school?

The elf-abet...

Which elf was the best singer?

Elfis Presley

(I’ll get my coat)

What do you call an Elf that sings?

A wrapper!

Merry Christmas.


I hope you got what you wished for. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Why is Santa such a jolly old elf?

He knows where the naughty girls live.

Ice Bank Mice Elf

(repeat this 10 times fast)

What does a diabetic elf need?

Tinselin

So an elf walks into an animal shelter...

...and, being from the North Pole, he wants a hound dog to run a transport system. This particular shelter stocks only mutts.

On the first day, the elf says, "What type of dog is that one there?" he asks, pointing to a cage. "That's a cross between a Labrador and a Poodle," responds the clerk...

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A man is strolling through the woods.. Suddenly,

He hears a voice in the distance. He decides to walk towards the voice, it could be someone in danger after all! What could it be? He starts walking a little faster. Weird, he thinks, it seems as if another person joined. Yeah its actually two voices right now, and he hears what they are saying: WE ...

An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Hobbit walk into a bar...

All three proceed to eat, drink and have a good time, slamming down pint after pint of ale until finally the pub was closing. The bartender asks them how he should split the tab as it was a pretty hefty sum.

"I got this," replies the Elf as he looks at the bill. "My two friends here are alway...

Why does Santa feel sad sometimes?

Low elf esteem...

A warrior’s brother was killed

“By my sword, I shall have vengeance!”, says the warrior.

“And my bow.” Added the elf.

“And my axe.” Added the dwarf.

“And your dead brother.” Added the necromancer.

Who is Santa's favourite singer?

Elf-ish Presley

Why do you never see Father Christmas in hospital?

He has private elf care.

In North Pole, Santa broke his hip after tripping on one of his little helpers.

Said his wife: "You only have your elf to blame."

When is a pixie not a pixie?

When she has her head down an elf's pants. Then she's a goblin

Why was Santa forced to shut his grotto?

He was being investigated by the Elf and Safety Executive.


Only 341 days 'til Christmas!

When is an elf not an elf?

When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin.

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Two elves walk into Santa's office.

Santa looks up and says, "Gary, Larry, how can I help you?" Gary and Larry look at each other, then turn to Santa.
"Santa", Gary says, "Are there any elf nuns in the workshop?" Santa checks a list and says, "No, I'm sorry but there are no elf nuns in the workshop."
Gary asks, "Well Santa, ...

What is Father Christmas's tax status?

What is Father Christmas's tax status?

Elf-employed.

[Possibly OC] Objectifying women has been going on since mythical times.

For example, in Greek mythology, a female elf was called a Shelf.

What does German Santa Claus have in his workshop?

11's

Lord of the rings

An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Wizard walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

Santa was working

And year after year, his workshop got expensive, so he started phasing out the elves with trolls. The trolls were larger and not quite as smart, but they were way cheaper and about 75% as effective. Santa didn't fire any elves, but as they got old and retired, he replaced them with trolls. Over the ...

Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?

He had low elf-esteem.

Bad Christmas cracker jokes.

Where do you find reindeer?
It depends on where you leave them!


What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
Baby reindeer!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
...

Some Christmas jokes!

**What is the best Christmas present in the world?**

A broken drum – you just can’t beat it

**What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?**

It's Christmas, Eve!

**What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?**

Frostbite!

**Why are...

Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys next year?

It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

I wish I had emo hair

So it would cut its self

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