Two old ladies that lived in a nursing home always went out to smoke a cigarette under a shade tree once a day.

One day it was raining when the ladies went out to smoke.

One of the ladies pulls out a condom and puts it over her cigarette.

The first lady says, “What are you doing? What’s the condom for?”

The second lady responds, “It keeps the cigarette dry when it it’s raining.”

So...

In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

"Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations.

It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.

Someone once asked me "What's your favourite shade?"

I said it was kind of a grey area

I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".

What’s the deal with lamp shades??

If you want a lamp, why do you need shade??

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fifty Shades got $47 Million at the box office...

There seems to be a lot of women who don't get offended by a billionaire grabbing a girl by the pussy.

50 Shades of Golf

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..


Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St ...

I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real...

like how she got a job right out of college.

50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it

They should have added 19 more shades

Fifty Shades of Grey has no plot.

It's just all climax.

What do Green Eggs and Ham, and Fifty Shades of Gray have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

Why did the characters from Fifty Shades of Grey get into a fight about fast food?

They couldn't agree where to go. Christian wanted Domino's, but Ana insisted on Subway!

What shade of orange is okay, but not great?

Mediochre

My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey.

So I took a photo of her hair!

Fifty Shades Of Grey.

#272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b,

#2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232,

#343434, #353535, #373737, #393939,

#3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040,

#424242, #444444, #454545, #474747,

#484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d,

#4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353,
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, my girlfriend wanted to try some stuff she saw in the new 50 Shades of Grey movie

Girlfriend: I just saw the new 50 shades and I really wanna try something I saw in the move.

Me: oh yeahhhh? What’d you wanna try babe?

Girlfriend: Fuck a billionaire.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

50 greyish shades.......

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . . 
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . . 
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getti...

What do you call someone who has watched all the "Shades of Grey" movies?

A glutton for punishment...

My room is really dark, I think my window shades work too well...

I think they deserve a raise.

Why did the dog sit in the shade?

It didn't want to be a hot dog.

I want to repaint my room a shade of white...

...but I can't decide between "eggshell", "beige", or "2016 Oscars".

What would a book on BDSM culture written in alabama be called?

Fifty Shades of Hay.

50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.

EDIT: Thanks a million to everyone who upvoted. It's the first time I get these many. Oh, and by the way, the joke is stolen, it's a meme that has been going around for a while now, so... middle finger to all of you.

What are a lamp's favorite type of glasses?

Shades!

This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey...

When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."

I went to the 50 Shades of Grey midnight premier earlier tonight

Just sucks I couldn't hear the movie over all those goddamn bees in the theater

What kind of person can't stop watching 'Fifty Shades of Grey'?

A colorblind synaesthesiac listening to the radio

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do women find the guy in 50 Shades of Grey sexy?

beats me

A golfing trip

There were two men named John and Bill who were going on a golfing trip for the weekend. They packed their bags and set away on the long drive. On their way there, they ran into some heavy weather. So they stopped by a farm, and they asked the attractive woman who answered the door if they could sta...

What is a cows favorite shade of red!

Mooroon!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was talking to my buddy about 50 Shades Of Grey

He said "yeah, my wife and I have been doing S&M for years."
"Really!", I said, "I had no idea!"
"Sure," he said, "she sleeps and I masturbate!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.

First, she wants me to become a billionaire.

What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?

I want hue.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

Why did the dog sit in the shade?

It didn't want to be a hotdog.

*ba dum tsss

*ba dum tish

idk

My son can only see in shades of beige,

Doctors have diagnosed him with colour-blandness.

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

Scientists have discovered a fantastic new shade of the colour green.

Its sublime

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In art class I was told black was a shade not a color.

That must mean black people aren't colored: they're shady.

50 shades of grey broke a lot of box office records for R-rated movies…

Well first it tied them, then it beat them.

A man is asked why he can't see the Fifty Shades of Gray movie...

He replies, "I'm color blind and can only see 36 of them."

50 shades of grey

Girl 1: Hey have you read 50 shades of grey yet?
Girl 2: Yes! From cover to cover!
Girl 1: And the index?
Girl 2: Exhausted...

50 Shades of Little Johnny

Johnny's Mum was cleaning under his bed when she found a stash of BDSM magazines.

A bit concerned she asks Johnny's Dad what he thinks she should do.

Johnny's Dad responds "whatever else you do, don't spank him"

Adult Joke - Fifty Shades of Grey

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread....

Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history...

Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....

[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]

Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ...

... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into.

50 Shades

He slowly but firmly grabs my throat. I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble...'


- 50 Shades of Macy Gray.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Birhtday Present

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to ...

Just heard this variation on an oldie!

A hat maker was trying to sell his hats on a hot summers day. After having no luck for 4 hours under the sun, he decided to take a short rest underneath a gigantic tree. He set his briefcase of hats down, took one out to cover his face, and laid down on the grass. With the shade from his hat and the...

A very rich American gentleman...

A very rich American gentleman was walking along minding his own business, briefcase in hand. He wore glasses, a suit, and a well-trimmed beard.

Suddenly, a shorter, poorly dressed man appeared in his path. He desperately needed a shave and his eyes seemed to bug out.

"Sir! May I ple...

Western

A cowboy stops in a small town,in the wild wild west at a bar. He lets his horse outside to eat and drink..he goes inside the bar, orders a whisky...he barely takes a sip when he hears
"Ey...hey...ey look out for your horse.."
He rushes out...his horse eating some grass..no one near it..
Go...

Why are the trees planted so close together in Paris?

So the Germans could march in the shade.

Why are there so many trees next to the roads in France

The germans like marching in the shade

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a farmer who wanted his sheep to get pregnant

However, he hadn't got a male sheep, so he asked a friend what could he do. His friend told him to take the sheep to the mountain, fuck them himself and wait to the next day. If the next day they were placed in the sun, they were pregnant, of they were placed in the shade, they weren't pregnant.
...

Damn those trees,so insulting..

Throwing shade left and right

My online parasol store got shut down.

The police claimed we were engaging in shade e-dealings.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is walking past a house...

That house has a sign on it saying: Free Talking Dog! He stops, wondering what this is all about and notices an old guy sitting on the porch in a rocking chair. The guy says, "Hey, What's up with the talking dog?" The old guys answers, "He's yours if you want him." The guy scratches his head, thinki...

I asked my dad a few summers ago why he planted a tree in our backyard

With the summer heat practically grilling everyone, he seemed to be fine under the shade of our roof

My father responded, “You’ll understand why I planted it eventually”

Years later, as the tree grew much larger, it provided shade for everyone

Now I understand it was foreshadow

After a brief, bloodless gunfight,

Prickly Bob and his Saddlesore Gang have managed to capture Dan Hollings, Deputy of Tombstone. Prickly Bob, not wanting a murder warrant on his head, has decided to let the desert take care of his latest problem with the law.

Now, I won't lie to you. Alone and buried up to his chin in red des...

My horse keeps getting aroused whenever I try and feed him

Maybe I should stop feeding him 50 shades of hay

So i was thinking of making a documentary on SoundCloud Rappers...

I was gonna call it "Fifty Shades of AYE"

An Englishman, Scotsman and Donald Trump are in the Sahara desert (see, I’ve changed it so it’s current)...

The Englishman is carrying an umbrella, the Scot is holding a cucumber and Trump is carrying a car door.
A Bedouin approaches and asks why the Englishman has an umbrella in the desert. The man replies. “Well, when it gets really hot, I put up my brolly and I can keep cool in the shade.”
The Be...

Found this in an old email from my grandpa.

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one
and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,
"Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anythin...

Who's horse is that?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?" The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?" The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your hor...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do men like women with big breasts?

Very basic - keeps you warm in the winter, gives you shade in the summer

A pastor is walking down a path

When he spots a young boy, frantically lifting hay bales onto an upended cart. The boy is sweating profusely, and the pastor says to him: "Son, you are working very hard, very hard indeed. It is a hot day, perhaps you should take a rest?"

"Oh no, sir, my father would not like that. I must...

Man vs. Google

Man: Think you know Everything huh?

Google: Well, that’s what I’m made for.

Man: Oh, really? Then what’s her favorite colour?

Google: Lavender?

Man: Hah, it’s purple! You don’t know Everything!

Google: Lavender is a shade of purp—

Man: YOU’LL NEVER LOVE HER...

A hippoptamus has brought his dissertation to defend before the doctoral committee.

The first professor picks up the dissertation and leafs through it. "Hm, interesting," she says. "Follow me, if you please." She leads the hippo and the rest of the committee out to her car which they pile into and drive to her house. She takes them to her reading room. She sets the papers down on a...

Locked My Keys In The Car

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no ph...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to date a twin a few years back. People would ask me how I could tell the difference between the two.

It was in fact quite easy. There were subtle but notable differences. For example my gf had a small birthmark right below her left ear on her neck and she always painted her nails a ruby shade.

Her brother Dave had a cock.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Nsfw long what's wrong with your dick?

A guy goes into a public restroom and sees a man gently weeping in front of a urinal. He asks him what's wrong, and realises the man has no arms.
"Well... I recently lost my arms in an accident and I'm having a hard time coping with it. It's my first day out of the hospital and I can't figure out...