I went to the paint store to ask for a shade

But the guy claimed no such shade existed. It must have been a pigment of my imagination.

I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey.

Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college.

Two old ladies that lived in a nursing home always went out to smoke a cigarette under a shade tree once a day.

One day it was raining when the ladies went out to smoke.

One of the ladies pulls out a condom and puts it over her cigarette.

The first lady says, “What are you doing? What’s the condom for?”

The second lady responds, “It keeps the cigarette dry when it it’s raining.”

So...

In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

"Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations.

It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.

Fifty Shades of Grey has no plot.

It's just all climax.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fifty Shades got $47 Million at the box office...

There seems to be a lot of women who don't get offended by a billionaire grabbing a girl by the pussy.

What’s the deal with lamp shades??

If you want a lamp, why do you need shade??

50 Shades of Golf

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..


Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St ...

Someone once asked me "What's your favourite shade?"

I said it was kind of a grey area

I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".

What shade of orange is okay, but not great?

Mediochre

50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it

They should have added 19 more shades

Fifty Shades Of Grey.

#272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b,

#2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232,

#343434, #353535, #373737, #393939,

#3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040,

#424242, #444444, #454545, #474747,

#484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d,

#4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353,
...

Why did the characters from Fifty Shades of Grey get into a fight about fast food?

They couldn't agree where to go. Christian wanted Domino's, but Ana insisted on Subway!

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50 greyish shades.......

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . . 
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . . 
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getti...

What do you call someone who has watched all the "Shades of Grey" movies?

A glutton for punishment...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, my girlfriend wanted to try some stuff she saw in the new 50 Shades of Grey movie

Girlfriend: I just saw the new 50 shades and I really wanna try something I saw in the move.

Me: oh yeahhhh? What’d you wanna try babe?

Girlfriend: Fuck a billionaire.

What do Green Eggs and Ham, and Fifty Shades of Gray have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey.

So I took a photo of her hair!

This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey...

When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."

Why did the dog sit in the shade?

It didn't want to be a hot dog.

My room is really dark, I think my window shades work too well...

I think they deserve a raise.

50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.

EDIT: Thanks a million to everyone who upvoted. It's the first time I get these many. Oh, and by the way, the joke is stolen, it's a meme that has been going around for a while now, so... middle finger to all of you.

What would a book on BDSM culture written in alabama be called?

Fifty Shades of Hay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.

First, she wants me to become a billionaire.

I want to repaint my room a shade of white...

...but I can't decide between "eggshell", "beige", or "2016 Oscars".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women find the guy in 50 Shades of Grey sexy?

beats me

What are a lamp's favorite type of glasses?

Shades!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze. Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"

The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering ...

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I was talking to my buddy about 50 Shades Of Grey

He said "yeah, my wife and I have been doing S&M for years."
"Really!", I said, "I had no idea!"
"Sure," he said, "she sleeps and I masturbate!"

What is a cows favorite shade of red!

Mooroon!

What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?

I want hue.

What kind of person can't stop watching 'Fifty Shades of Grey'?

A colorblind synaesthesiac listening to the radio

I went to the 50 Shades of Grey midnight premier earlier tonight

Just sucks I couldn't hear the movie over all those goddamn bees in the theater

My son can only see in shades of beige,

Doctors have diagnosed him with colour-blandness.

Scientists have discovered a fantastic new shade of the colour green.

Its sublime

50 Shades

He slowly but firmly grabs my throat. I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble...'


- 50 Shades of Macy Gray.

50 shades of grey broke a lot of box office records for R-rated movies…

Well first it tied them, then it beat them.

A man is asked why he can't see the Fifty Shades of Gray movie...

He replies, "I'm color blind and can only see 36 of them."

50 shades of grey

Girl 1: Hey have you read 50 shades of grey yet?
Girl 2: Yes! From cover to cover!
Girl 1: And the index?
Girl 2: Exhausted...

Why did the dog sit in the shade?

It didn't want to be a hotdog.

*ba dum tsss

*ba dum tish

idk

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In art class I was told black was a shade not a color.

That must mean black people aren't colored: they're shady.

Adult Joke - Fifty Shades of Grey

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread....

Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history...

Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....

[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]

50 Shades of Little Johnny

Johnny's Mum was cleaning under his bed when she found a stash of BDSM magazines.

A bit concerned she asks Johnny's Dad what he thinks she should do.

Johnny's Dad responds "whatever else you do, don't spank him"

Things aren't always #000000 and #FFFFFF

There are so many shades of #808080

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ...

... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into.

What do you get if you cross 50 Shades of Grey with Blurred Lines?

A greydient

A golfing trip

There were two men named John and Bill who were going on a golfing trip for the weekend. They packed their bags and set away on the long drive. On their way there, they ran into some heavy weather. So they stopped by a farm, and they asked the attractive woman who answered the door if they could sta...

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel.

She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says , "Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on ...

My kid was ‘fighting’ an old oak in our backyard, hitting over and over again. I said, “Son! What did that poor tree ever so to you?!?” He replies...

“It keeps throwing shade.”

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

Brian Blessed was flying his bi-plane over the Sahara desert when out of nowhere the engine spluttered and stop and he found himself hurtling toward the ground.

As he crawled out of the wreckage, Brian couldn't believe he had survived the crash. He checked himself for injuries, a few scratches but nothing major; no broken bones, no concussion, not even whiplash from the plane's impact with the ground. For a second he considered himself lucky. Until he looke...

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A boy and his father are walking through the park ...

The young boy spots two dogs going at it full-bore under the shade of a spreading maple tree.

"Daddy!" he says. "What are those dogs doing?!"

The old man says, "Ah, well, that dog hurt his leg, so his buddy is gonna help him get home."

The boy shakes his head. "Man, ain't that j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For his birthday a man decides to hold a costume party

To put a twist on things, he declares in his invitations that the theme of the party will be feelings and emotions.

On the night in question, the host is putting the final touches on the decorations when the doorbell chimes.

The host opens the door to his first guest, a man with his fa...

Get yourself a fat wife with tattoos...

Shade in the summer.

Warmth in the winter.

Moving pictures all year long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a farmer who wanted his sheep to get pregnant

However, he hadn't got a male sheep, so he asked a friend what could he do. His friend told him to take the sheep to the mountain, fuck them himself and wait to the next day. If the next day they were placed in the sun, they were pregnant, of they were placed in the shade, they weren't pregnant.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birhtday Present

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to ...

Just heard this variation on an oldie!

A hat maker was trying to sell his hats on a hot summers day. After having no luck for 4 hours under the sun, he decided to take a short rest underneath a gigantic tree. He set his briefcase of hats down, took one out to cover his face, and laid down on the grass. With the shade from his hat and the...

A very rich American gentleman...

A very rich American gentleman was walking along minding his own business, briefcase in hand. He wore glasses, a suit, and a well-trimmed beard.

Suddenly, a shorter, poorly dressed man appeared in his path. He desperately needed a shave and his eyes seemed to bug out.

"Sir! May I ple...

Western

A cowboy stops in a small town,in the wild wild west at a bar. He lets his horse outside to eat and drink..he goes inside the bar, orders a whisky...he barely takes a sip when he hears
"Ey...hey...ey look out for your horse.."
He rushes out...his horse eating some grass..no one near it..
Go...

Why are the trees planted so close together in Paris?

So the Germans could march in the shade.

Why are there so many trees next to the roads in France

The germans like marching in the shade

Damn those trees,so insulting..

Throwing shade left and right

So i was thinking of making a documentary on SoundCloud Rappers...

I was gonna call it "Fifty Shades of AYE"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is walking past a house...

That house has a sign on it saying: Free Talking Dog! He stops, wondering what this is all about and notices an old guy sitting on the porch in a rocking chair. The guy says, "Hey, What's up with the talking dog?" The old guys answers, "He's yours if you want him." The guy scratches his head, thinki...

I asked my dad a few summers ago why he planted a tree in our backyard

With the summer heat practically grilling everyone, he seemed to be fine under the shade of our roof

My father responded, “You’ll understand why I planted it eventually”

Years later, as the tree grew much larger, it provided shade for everyone

Now I understand it was foreshadow

After a brief, bloodless gunfight,

Prickly Bob and his Saddlesore Gang have managed to capture Dan Hollings, Deputy of Tombstone. Prickly Bob, not wanting a murder warrant on his head, has decided to let the desert take care of his latest problem with the law.

Now, I won't lie to you. Alone and buried up to his chin in red des...

My horse keeps getting aroused whenever I try and feed him

Maybe I should stop feeding him 50 shades of hay

My online parasol store got shut down.

The police claimed we were engaging in shade e-dealings.

Who's horse is that?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?" The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?" The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your hor...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Donald Trump are in the Sahara desert (see, I’ve changed it so it’s current)...

The Englishman is carrying an umbrella, the Scot is holding a cucumber and Trump is carrying a car door.
A Bedouin approaches and asks why the Englishman has an umbrella in the desert. The man replies. “Well, when it gets really hot, I put up my brolly and I can keep cool in the shade.”
The Be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men like women with big breasts?

Very basic - keeps you warm in the winter, gives you shade in the summer

Locked My Keys In The Car

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no ph...

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Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."

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