UPJOKE
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Why did the teacher wear shades in school?

Because her pupils were too bright!

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According to ancient Japanese lore, a personโ€™s aura changes to a shade of blue right before they die.

Cyan-aura.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

Two men were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent.

"You smell that?" tom asked. Bob replied, "the heck I do, letโ€™s find where itโ€™s coming from!โ€. After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said "letโ€™s get something to eat!" they both were hungry but bob reminded him that they couldnโ€™t enter with their dogs! so tom said "it...

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing โ€˜Rimmel Vibrant Shadesโ€™ lipstick - she claims it โ€œbreaks too easilyโ€ and it โ€œmakes her breath smellโ€.

She gave the following statement:

โ€œThe super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosisโ€..

50 shades of golf

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going and that she's got something else planned. Naturally, Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do...

A Kirby guy on a hot dayโ€ฆ

A door to door salesman was walking down a street in a very hot day, when he came across a pair of little girls selling lemonade.

Taking a break, he buys a big glass and goes to sit under a large elm tree.

Suddenly, he hears a guy yell โ€œNice suit buddy, did you buy it at the goodwill s...

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

What do you call a dark shade that contains no humor at all?

A Sirius Black.

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One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'. The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.' The policema...

Saw a right angle resting under a tree this afternoon and thought....

Wow! 90 degrees in the shade!!

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gasโ€ฆ.

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas. One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab ...

How do cows shade their room?

They use beef curtains

Neighbor lady stormed over and woke me up resting in the shade on a hot summer day

While my wife was mowing sweat pouring. And started yelling saying I needed to be hung.

I said I am thatโ€™s why sheโ€™s the one mowing.

I've just written a book called "Fifty Shades of Gravy"

It's very saucy

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

Thereโ€™s always been a familiar connection I get in the shade of my succulent collection...

Aloe darkness, my old friend.

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Two old ladies that lived in a nursing home always went out to smoke a cigarette under a shade tree once a day.

One day it was raining when the ladies went out to smoke.

One of the ladies pulls out a condom and puts it over her cigarette.

The first lady says, โ€œWhat are you doing? Whatโ€™s the condom for?โ€

The second lady responds, โ€œIt keeps the cigarette dry when it itโ€™s raining.โ€

So...

Palm trees donโ€™t provide much shade

Thatโ€™s why theyโ€™re fronds without benefits.

Yo Cardi B! What's your favourite shade of yellow?

Okurr!

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says...

I heard they are making an erotic movie about Elvis

Itโ€™s going to be called 50 shades of Blue Suede.

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A lion and a lioness and resting in a shade of a tree. All of a sudden a rabbit comes, slaps the lion in the face and runs off.

The lion just chuckles.

The Lioness is pissed: "Why did you let him slap you? Are you not the king of the animals? This is a major disrespect. Go kill that little shit!"

The lion replies calmly: "Dear, the rabbit is small and stupid - he doesn't know what he is doing...".

In a ...

My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey.

So I took a photo of her hair!

I want to repaint my room a shade of white...

...but I can't decide between "eggshell", "beige", or "2016 Oscars".

I had to see a psychiatrist recently after becoming obsessed with a specific shade of purple

Apparently Iโ€™m Plum Crazy

I went to the paint store to ask for a shade

But the guy claimed no such shade existed. It must have been a pigment of my imagination.

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Watched 50 Shades of Grey with my parents and Christ if all the sex didn't make the whole thing awkward.

I could barely see the screen with my mom bent over like that.

3 men die and head to the gates of heaven

One is a mathematician. One is a philosopher. One is a lawyer. St. Peter is there to determine if he will let them in. He tells all three men he is going to ask them a question and that if they get it correct they will enter heaven.

He pulls the mathematician into a room and asks him: โ€œWhat ...

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Fifty Shades got $47 Million at the box office...

There seems to be a lot of women who don't get offended by a billionaire grabbing a girl by the pussy.

I was accused of throwing shade today

All I did was toss them the sunglasses they asked for.

I accidentally walked into my daughterโ€™s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey.

Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college.

How else can you view 50 Shades of Gray?

As a gradient

Today my wife showed me all about the 50 Shades of Gray.

Then we picked one. Now I have to paint the bedroom.

Fifty Shades of Grey

#272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c...

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A young Japanese man was fleeing war

He ended in front of a Buddhist temple. He was granted access to this beautiful place and after a few weeks he saw the oldest high priest planting a tree.
He asked the old priest what is he doing. Priest said that the tree would cast a cooling shadow in the midst of the hottest summer when fully...

Why did the dog sit in the shade?

It didnโ€™t want to be a hot dog

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A man needs a Christmas gift for his new girlfriend. . .

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, theyโ€™ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift โ€“ romantic, yet not too personal.

He asks the girlfriendโ€™s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair sheโ€™...

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.

EDIT: Thanks a million to everyone who upvoted. It's the first time I get these many. Oh, and by the way, the joke is stolen, it's a meme that has been going around for a while now, so... middle finger to all of you.

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50 greyish shades.......

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .ย 
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .ย 
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getti...

50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it

They should have added 19 more shades

This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey...

When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades of Grey...

For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.

The trainee competition judge arrived at the village fair

He meets his mentor at the entrance.

"Nice to meet, nice to meet, nice to meet you," stammers the mentor. "Forgive my, forgive my, forgive my speech impediment."

"Please, don't worry about it," says the trainee.

They head off to judge the villagers' chilli peppers. They come to...

Someone once asked me "What's your favourite shade?"

I said it was kind of a grey area

I went to the 50 Shades of Grey midnight premier earlier tonight

Just sucks I couldn't hear the movie over all those goddamn bees in the theater

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My wife says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.

First, she wants me to become a billionaire.

Scientists have discovered a fantastic new shade of the colour green.

Its sublime

In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

Why did the dog sit in the shade?

It didn't want to be a hotdog.

*ba dum tsss

*ba dum tish

idk

I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".

"Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations.

It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.

Fishing

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and ...

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Why do women find the guy in 50 Shades of Grey sexy?

beats me

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An interesting story

There once was a King of a tribe in Africa. He lived in a huge, round house made of grass, typical of all the others in the village, except that his was the largest. By day he sat on the stump of a tree, which had been brought into his hut, and covered with animal skins. Everyone else sat on the flo...

My room is really dark, I think my window shades work too well...

I think they deserve a raise.

What do you call someone who has watched all the "Shades of Grey" movies?

A glutton for punishment...

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So, my girlfriend wanted to try some stuff she saw in the new 50 Shades of Grey movie

Girlfriend: I just saw the new 50 shades and I really wanna try something I saw in the move.

Me: oh yeahhhh? Whatโ€™d you wanna try babe?

Girlfriend: Fuck a billionaire.

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Where did E. L. James learn to write โ€œ50 Shades of Greyโ€?

AP Cliterature

What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?

I want hue.

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I was talking to my buddy about 50 Shades Of Grey

He said "yeah, my wife and I have been doing S&M for years."
"Really!", I said, "I had no idea!"
"Sure," he said, "she sleeps and I masturbate!"

What is a cows favorite shade of red!

Mooroon!

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A farmer goes to town with his dog

to buy some supplies. While there, he ties his dog to a tree and goes into a bar for a drink.

The town cop eventually showed up and asked if that was his dog tied up outside. โ€œYes, why?โ€ Asked the farmer.
The policeman says โ€œI think it wants to get bredโ€. To which the farmer replied, โ€œN...

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So, a frog walks into a bank...

A well dressed frog with a briefcase and dark shades walks into a bank and sits down at a desk. The clerk is a bit shocked to see a frog in a suit and tie but, being professional, asks the frog how me can help him.


"Umm, hello sir, My name is Patty, how can I help you today?"
"I ne...

Why did the characters from Fifty Shades of Grey get into a fight about fast food?

They couldn't agree where to go. Christian wanted Domino's, but Ana insisted on Subway!

What kind of person can't stop watching 'Fifty Shades of Grey'?

A colorblind synaesthesiac listening to the radio

50 shades of grey

Girl 1: Hey have you read 50 shades of grey yet?
Girl 2: Yes! From cover to cover!
Girl 1: And the index?
Girl 2: Exhausted...

On a hot day, a 'good ol' boy stopped at the tavern for a cold beer, leaving his hound dog tied to a parking meter in front of the joint.

One Beer Led To Another, And Soon A Cop Came In And Said, "Is That Your Dog Outside?" "Sure Is," Said The Redneck. "Well, I Want You To Know She's In Heat," Said The Cop.. "No she ain't. I tied her in the shade." "No, no! I mean she needs to be bred." "That's stupid. How can a dog be a loaf of bread...

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The Princess Royal is being shown around a military hospital.

As she approaches one of the beds the soldier blushes red and tries to hide under the sheet, but HRH is having none of it, and she asks the RSM showing her round: "What is this man's ailment, sergeant-major?".

"Haemorrhoids, ma'am!" says the RSM crisply. HRH curves a well-mannered eyebrow whi...

Iโ€™m giving out my personal credit card info to anyone that wants it

Itโ€™s several shades of blue, very thin, about 3โ€ long and 2โ€ tall with these little raised numbers and letters on it, it has what looks like a SIM card on one end, a WiFi symbol looking thingy on the front, it has a bunch of tiny words and some additional numbers on the back with a solid black secti...

A man walks into his first session with a psychiatrist

His mood is almost as dark as the room, shades drawn almost fully closed with just enough light to cast shadows like a priestโ€™s confessional stall. *Perfect*, he thinks, *this will be easier if he canโ€™t see the tears welling in my eyes*.

He sits down and breathes a heavy sigh. The clock tick...

Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ...

... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into.

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An American, a Russian and a Finn drink in a bar.

The American says:

\- Well... American Air Forces are so huge that we can cover all the sky over Finland by our planes. And there will no sunlight, only shade.

They drink. The Russian says:

\- Well, Russian Navy is so huge that we can cover entire the Gulf of Finland by ships...

50 shades of grey broke a lot of box office records for R-rated moviesโ€ฆ

Well first it tied them, then it beat them.

My son can only see in shades of beige,

Doctors have diagnosed him with colour-blandness.

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I thought I was watching 50 shades of Grey

But I realised it was just a porno. I could tell the difference because they were having consensual sex.

50 Shades

He slowly but firmly grabs my throat. I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble...'


- 50 Shades of Macy Gray.

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Trumpeter

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos for a movie. After the sessions, he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public. Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. ...

Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history...

Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....

[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]

How does Chris Brown's girlfriend know that he cheated?

Different shade of lipstick on his knuckles.

Two farmhands were working in the field one hot day...

Two farmhands were working in the field one hot day when an accomplished lawyer who was passing through decided to recline in the shade of a nearby tree. One of the farmhands approached him and asked "how did you get to be so wealthy?" to which the lawyer replied "Well son, I have an education." The...

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In art class I was told black was a shade not a color.

That must mean black people aren't colored: they're shady.

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The little red man joke.

The little white woman was busy baking a cake. Only as she reached around in her little white cupboards she realised she had no sugar for her little white cake. Not to be disheartened she decided to wander next door to her neighbour, the little green man, to see if he would be kind enough to lend he...

Why does Paris have so many beautiful tree-lined streets?

The German army prefers to march in the shade.

Do you know the definition of ignorance?

Two guys digging a ditch were doing their ditch digging thing, when one of them looks over at the supervisor sitting under a tree in the shade. The one guy says to the other, "Man, it isn't fair for us to be working so hard in the hot sun, while Mr. Supervisor is sitting doing nothing on the shade....

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A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze.

Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"

The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wo...

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