What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

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Watched 50 Shades of Grey with my parents and Christ if all the sex didn't make the whole thing awkward.

I could barely see the screen with my mom bent over like that.

50 shades of grey

\#4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5...

I had to see a psychiatrist recently after becoming obsessed with a specific shade of purple

Apparently I’m Plum Crazy

Today my wife showed me all about the 50 Shades of Gray.

Then we picked one. Now I have to paint the bedroom.

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A lion and a lioness and resting in a shade of a tree. All of a sudden a rabbit comes, slaps the lion in the face and runs off.

The lion just chuckles.

The Lioness is pissed: "Why did you let him slap you? Are you not the king of the animals? This is a major disrespect. Go kill that little shit!"

The lion replies calmly: "Dear, the rabbit is small and stupid - he doesn't know what he is doing...".

In a ...

I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey.

Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college.

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Two old ladies that lived in a nursing home always went out to smoke a cigarette under a shade tree once a day.

One day it was raining when the ladies went out to smoke.

One of the ladies pulls out a condom and puts it over her cigarette.

The first lady says, “What are you doing? What’s the condom for?”

The second lady responds, “It keeps the cigarette dry when it it’s raining.”

So...

I went to the paint store to ask for a shade

But the guy claimed no such shade existed. It must have been a pigment of my imagination.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick...

She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.

I was accused of throwing shade today

All I did was toss them the sunglasses they asked for.

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A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze.

Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"

The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wo...

Being quite new in prison, I told my inmates the "50 shades of grey" joke today.

Turned out not to be a problem, as everyone seemed to be used to long sentences.

John's wife won't let him go fishing with his buddies

They have all went together on a fishing/camping trip the past four years together. But this year she wouldn't let him. The guys were very disappointed

Two days later the other guys made it to the campsite and noticed John was sitting by a fire with a cold beer. The tent was already set and s...

Why did the dog sit in the shade?

It didn’t want to be a hot dog

Like A Diamond

Tom and his two best friends, Jerry and Bill, are talking.

“You know fellas,” said Tom, “the other day I heard this guy say to his crush that he always had to wear sunscreen and shades around her.”

“Why was that” asked Jerry

“Because she was too hot”

“And the shades?” ask...

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Fifty Shades got $47 Million at the box office...

There seems to be a lot of women who don't get offended by a billionaire grabbing a girl by the pussy.

A conversation between a bird cop and a bird detective

Cop: “We found 2 murder victims, bludgeoned to death”

Detective: “Did you find the murder weapon?”

Cop: “Just one stone”

Detective: *Lowers shades* “Dear god”

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THE GIFT

*trust me its too long to be worth reading.*

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by...

My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey.

So I took a photo of her hair!

50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it

They should have added 19 more shades

In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

"Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations.

It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.

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Where did E. L. James learn to write “50 Shades of Grey”?

AP Cliterature

Saw a right angle resting under a tree this afternoon and thought....

Wow! 90 degrees in the shade!!

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Frenchs in England...

Two French guys were walking in England when they found an old English man sitting in the shade of an oak tree. They decide to annoy him a little and ask him:

\- Monsieur, how long before we get to where we want to go?

\- About 10 minutes, the English man says.

\- But how? How d...

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Three cowboys are out on the range (long).

It's been a long day and all are hungry. The first cowboy rummages in his saddlebags and pulls out a strip of meat to munch on.

"Got any more of that?" asks the second

"Nope. But I can show you where to get some: the bacon-tree."

"The whut?"

"The bacon-tree. It's two hour...

50 shades of golf

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going and that she's got something else planned. Naturally, Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do...

3 guys break down in the middle of the desert

The first one says he'll take the hood to use as shade.

The second one says he'll take the radiator because he can drink the water left in it.

The third guy says he'll take the door so if he gets hot he can roll the window down.

I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".

Someone once asked me "What's your favourite shade?"

I said it was kind of a grey area

I want to repaint my room a shade of white...

...but I can't decide between "eggshell", "beige", or "2016 Oscars".

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50 greyish shades.......

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . . 
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . . 
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getti...

Fifty Shades of Grey has no plot.

It's just all climax.

Three Irish brothers were traveling in the country and walk into a bar to have a beer.

They take a seat at the bar and as the bartender gives them their pints, he says, "Listen fellas, you're not from round here, so I need to warn you about Ugly Tom. He is a very large unit and angers quickly. But he is a bit self conscious because he doesn't have any ears. He comes in here each ni...

The beverage company Nage decided to do something new.

In the tiny village of Mars, Kansas, a new themepark opened on the outskirts of town. Touted as the future of entertainment, the beverage company "Nage" decided to take all their leftover & recycled parts of their product, and turn them into hardened plastic materials to construct their attracti...

A Woman Was Redecorating Her House

But when it came time to choose her window curtains, she was torn between two different shades of blue. One set was a darker shade - which matched the sofa, and the other was a lighter shade - which matched the chair. No matter how she tried to justify one over the other, she could not come to a dec...

This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey...

When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."

What’s the deal with lamp shades??

If you want a lamp, why do you need shade??

What shade of orange is okay, but not great?

Mediochre

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Husband wants wife to be more vocal in bed

Husband was telling his wife she needed to be a bit more vocal during sex. "I'd love to hear some moaning to really turn me on he said" His wife promised to give it a go next time.

That night they were in bed and and getting right into it, the wife remembered her promise, " That lamp shade n...

50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.

EDIT: Thanks a million to everyone who upvoted. It's the first time I get these many. Oh, and by the way, the joke is stolen, it's a meme that has been going around for a while now, so... middle finger to all of you.

My sister is very unattractive.

About two days ago, a peeping tom reached in and pulled down her window shade.

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The Hamstrung Limpet

Do you know what the hamstrung limpet is? Well let me tell ya...

One fine spring day, a boy on a playground had a burning question. It was a rather odd question, so he decided to confide in a fellow child
He walked up to a little girl on the playground, and asked her, “Do you know...

I went to the 50 Shades of Grey midnight premier earlier tonight

Just sucks I couldn't hear the movie over all those goddamn bees in the theater

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My wife says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.

First, she wants me to become a billionaire.

What do you call someone who has watched all the "Shades of Grey" movies?

A glutton for punishment...

Why did the characters from Fifty Shades of Grey get into a fight about fast food?

They couldn't agree where to go. Christian wanted Domino's, but Ana insisted on Subway!

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So, my girlfriend wanted to try some stuff she saw in the new 50 Shades of Grey movie

Girlfriend: I just saw the new 50 shades and I really wanna try something I saw in the move.

Me: oh yeahhhh? What’d you wanna try babe?

Girlfriend: Fuck a billionaire.

My room is really dark, I think my window shades work too well...

I think they deserve a raise.

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Blonds

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her
dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for
something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the
restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The
blonde said it w...

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Why do women find the guy in 50 Shades of Grey sexy?

beats me

At a Bass Pro Shop

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a fishing rod for her son's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. An associate is standing there in dark shades. She says "Excuse me, could you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says "...

Going To The Movies

I told my wife I wanted to watch a movie about a billionaire playboy with a penchant for darkness, inflicting violence and dressing up in masks.

She got excited and asked, "Are we really go to see *50 Shades*?"

I laughed and told her I was talking about *The Lego Batman Movie*.

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Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?

The Nazis liked to park their tanks in the shade.

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I was talking to my buddy about 50 Shades Of Grey

He said "yeah, my wife and I have been doing S&M for years."
"Really!", I said, "I had no idea!"
"Sure," he said, "she sleeps and I masturbate!"

What kind of person can't stop watching 'Fifty Shades of Grey'?

A colorblind synaesthesiac listening to the radio

Why did the dog sit in the shade?

It didn't want to be a hotdog.

*ba dum tsss

*ba dum tish

idk

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A new member of a big game hunting club shows up to a the welcoming ceremony

The young member wants to hear some great hunting stories so he finds the oldest man at the ceremony and says "Sir, I know you have some great hunting stories, tell me your best one."

The old man is happy to share his experiences with the young member. He starts out by saying "it was 1947, me...

What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?

I want hue.

What is a cows favorite shade of red!

Mooroon!

Scientists have discovered a fantastic new shade of the colour green.

Its sublime

My son can only see in shades of beige,

Doctors have diagnosed him with colour-blandness.

50 shades of grey

Girl 1: Hey have you read 50 shades of grey yet?
Girl 2: Yes! From cover to cover!
Girl 1: And the index?
Girl 2: Exhausted...

50 shades of grey broke a lot of box office records for R-rated movies…

Well first it tied them, then it beat them.

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A salesman comes knocking...

After a fair bit of time and some noises that sounded like stumbling about, the door opens.

Coming from the house was loud jazz flute music and the distinct smell of weed.

The salesman looked down to see a kid standing impatiently at the door with what looked to be an exhausted meth-h...

50 Shades

He slowly but firmly grabs my throat. I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble...'


- 50 Shades of Macy Gray.

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

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I thought I was watching 50 shades of Grey

But I realised it was just a porno. I could tell the difference because they were having consensual sex.

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In art class I was told black was a shade not a color.

That must mean black people aren't colored: they're shady.

Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ...

... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into.

50 Shades of Little Johnny

Johnny's Mum was cleaning under his bed when she found a stash of BDSM magazines.

A bit concerned she asks Johnny's Dad what he thinks she should do.

Johnny's Dad responds "whatever else you do, don't spank him"

Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history...

Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....

[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers]

A golfing trip

There were two men named John and Bill who were going on a golfing trip for the weekend. They packed their bags and set away on the long drive. On their way there, they ran into some heavy weather. So they stopped by a farm, and they asked the attractive woman who answered the door if they could sta...

Things aren't always #000000 and #FFFFFF

There are so many shades of #808080

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So a Cherokee family and a White family pull into a restaurant..

White dad sees the Cherokee family coming up behind them and purposely let's the door close being a dick instead of holding it politely.

Cherokee dad shrugs it off and holds it for his family and follows the White family in. But upon getting to the line the Cherokee dad walks right past the ...

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

Two men are walking down a country road.

They come across a dog laying under the shade of a tree just to the side of the road, licking its balls. The first man looks at the dog and sees what its doing and says to the second man.
“I wish I could do that.”
The second man replies,
“You might want to try petting it first.”

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What do you call someone who's into BDSM and scat?

Several shades of shit

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So a covenant of nuns hires a group of landscapers to do some work.... (Long)

Sister Mary Peter was looking at the grounds of the covenant one day and decided to call her brother John, a landscaper, to do some work and liven up the place. After agreeing to do so, John and his crew arrived at the covenant and began work on the grounds.

Throughout the week, John and his ...

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A woman is bringing home her groceries...

And sees her neighbor sitting shirtless in his front yard, drinking a beer. As he sips, a woman is pushing an old lawnmower around his grass, which is at least a foot tall.

As she unpacks her groceries and takes them inside, he continues to sit in the shade, a smile on his face. Upon seeing ...

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There was a farmer who wanted his sheep to get pregnant

However, he hadn't got a male sheep, so he asked a friend what could he do. His friend told him to take the sheep to the mountain, fuck them himself and wait to the next day. If the next day they were placed in the sun, they were pregnant, of they were placed in the shade, they weren't pregnant.
...

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