An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

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Why doesn't sex with vampires result in pregnancy?

Because vampires can't come inside without permission.

3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest

The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.”

The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later wit...

Why are vampires like wizards?

Because they’re neck-romancers

What's forbidden to diabetic vampires


The time is midnight. Three vampires gather in a room.

The three vampires are arguing who is the strongest vampire. So, they decide to have a small competition to see who sucks more blood from humans. The first vampire stands up, and flies into the window of the hotel room. He returns back in an hour, his mouth stained with blood. The other two vampires...

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If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don’t vampires suck cock?

Oh wait… Twilight

A vampire was giving a presentation at a career fair.

The vampire, being hundreds of years old, had decided to conduct an experiment to see which career path was the most rewarding. He had every degree and certification you could imagine, but he settled on a surprising choice: cleaning mirrors.

When questioned, he said, "There's something ab...

What do you call a wealthy Greek vampire?

Count Drachma.

What do you call a vampire who went to the beach?


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Sex and vampires

The reason that sex with a vampire usually doesn't produce any offspring isn't because the sperm is dead, it's because the vampire can't come inside with out an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTed Talk

What is a vampire's weakness?

Hepatitis B

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

What did the vampire say to the teacher?

See you next period.

A vampire sells a mirror

Cheap mirror, excellent condition; Never used.

What's a vampire's least favorite snack?

Anything too light

What is a vampires favorite beer?

Blood Light

Vampires need to stop turning their victims at such a young age.

Help end Premature Draculation.

what does a russian vampire say?

\*\*I'm gonna cyka blyat\*\*

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So two vampires walk into a bar.

The first vampire sits down and asks for a bloody mary, the second vampire sits down and ask for a cup of boiling water. The first vampire says "What did you get a cup of boiling water for dummy" the second vampire pulls out a used tampon and says " cause I'm making tea bitch!!"

Vampire joke

Three vampires meet up in the street to talk about their recent kills.

The first vampire has some blood dripping onto his chin.

"See that pole over there?" he asked.


"Well beyond it I found a couple and drained them dry."

The second vampire has blood all ove...

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

There were too many vampires on our midst.

So we had to raise the stakes.

How do you kill a gluten free Vampire?

Garlic bread

Why are vampires so impulsive?

They never reflect on things.

Ignoring a vampire never works.

It always comes back to bite you.

Why are there no vampires in Africa?

I blessed the rains down in Africa

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Two hungry vampire bats are sitting in a tree, discussing the best area to go to get some juicy blood...

The first bat says "I'm gonna fly out of the woods and see if there's anything near the river.

When the first bat returns, the second bat says "Did you have much luck?", to which he replies "Nah, absolutely nothing down there".

The second bat says "Okay I'm going to fly further into th...

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Why didn’t the girl having sex with the vampire become pregnant

Because he wasn’t invited to come inside

What do you call a vampire slayer that lies?


So this vampire wants to bake some cookies...

It's a gloomy day, and this vampire thinks some chocolate chip cookies will cheer him up. Now he's not much of a baker, so he decided to walk to the store from some of that fine, premade cookie dough. He's walking home, excited, and the weather's clearing up and the sun is coming out. It's turning ...

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

If he's coffin.

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So a vampire walks into a bar,

He asks the bartender for a cup of hot water.

Bartender gives him the hot water and says "Hey, aren't you a vampire though? I thought your kind only drank blood."

Vampire says "of course my good man!"
He reaches into his coat and pulls out a bloody tampon then says

"It's ...

There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun

All other vampires pale in comparison

What do you call a viking who's been bit by a vampire?


I just broke up with my vampire girlfriend...

She sucked the life out of me

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”

He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.

“ I j...

What do you call a vampire who doesn’t ask for consent?

A vapist

What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down three miles from a blood bank?

A cab!

What does a vampire bathe in?

A bath tub.

There once was a vampire named Mabel...

Whose menstrual period was stable.

So one week in four

She'd slip to the floor

And drink herself under the table.

What's a vampire's favourite beverage?


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A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

One day, a vampire met God.

God granted him 3 wishes.

Vampire said, “well, always wearing black is too boring, I’d like to be all white. Then, I want to have wings. It feels weird to fly without wings. And most importantly, I want to be able to suck blood all the time.”

So God turned him into a sanitary pad.

A guy was arrested and charged by the police for killing a number of vampires.

Yeah, they've got him on three counts.

What do vampires cross the sea in?

Blood vessels.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition...

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful.

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happen...

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I'm like a sexual vampire...

...I need to be directly invited before I come inside.

Why are all vampires bad people?

They can't really reflect on who they are.

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles.

One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs.

He says, “See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people.”

The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, “See that castle o...

Vampire missionaries

"Hello, do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

No. Wait..."Dracula" Dracula?


So you're vampires?

"Yes. We have pamphlets"

Vampires have missionaries now?

"How else would we get new vampire members?"

But don't you just like, bite people?...

i sucked a vampire's blood once

it was irony

Two vampire bats are very hungry

Two very hungry vampire bats are hanging as they would, upside down, and are talking about the lack of animals in their surrounding to feed from. They have been going for days in search for a victim for them to get their nourishment to no avail.

Bat 1: "I am going out again, I am starving"...

What’s a vampires least favorite city?


It’s always sunny there

What does a vegetarian vampire eat?


What does a vampire take when he has the sniffles

Coffin Cold

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What do you call a vampire that sucks cocks?


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What is the definition of desperate?

A vampire sucking on a used tampon

I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child

and you know what? It works.

A vampire traveling 1.852 km/h on a boat


What does a vampire do before installing a new piece of software?

Sign the DracEULA.

A vampire asks for a glass of bodybuilder’s blood.

After taking a swig, he exclaims, “That’s some strong stuff!”

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Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down

The bartender comes over and asks them what they want to drink

1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood

2nd Vampire: I want a double shot

3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water

So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but look...

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