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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

Three vampires challenge themselves to a blood drink off

The first one comes back, 10 minutes later, lips bloodied proud of himself.
The two others ask him how he got so much blood, so the vampire points towards a corpse drain of all it’s blood only to say: you see that girl, yep, that’s her blood!

The second vampire turns into a bat and leaves...

A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career

He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.

In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job s...

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Three vampires walk into a bar. 2 order a glass of blood, the third orders a glass of water.

The bartender says to the third vampire, "are you sure you wouldn't rather have a glass of blood like your friends?"

The vampire pulls out a tampon and replies, "no thanks, I prefer tea".

What do you feed a vegan vampire?

A blood orange!

What do vampires drink when they are on a diet?

Blood light

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2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...

One nun says to the other “Quick sister, show him your cross!”

The other nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!”

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A vampire masturbating in front of a mirror

Bet you didn't see that coming.

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Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar

They all sit on stools at the counter, and the bartender comes to serve them right away.


"What will it be gentlemen?"


The first Vampire asks for a half pint of blood, and after getting his, takes a sip and smiles wide, flashing his white fangs.


"What'll it be to you ...

Why don’t vampires suck on the British?

Because they taste like bloody hell

Three vampires are gathering in the middle of the night to compare their strength...

Says the first : See that woman over there? Wait... <wooshes away and comes back after 20 seconds, the mouth still dripping of fresh blood>. See - it only took me 20 seconds to completely empty that body!

Says the second : Not bad, but uh... see that village over there? Wait... <woos...

i once found a vampire in my hotel so i stabbed it with a wooden stake, shined my flashlight at it and threw holy water at it. died instantly.

still don't know why it had a bucket of candy tho.

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Why do vampires never get people pregnant?

They can’t cum inside without permission

Why isn't it nice to socialise with vampires?

They're a pain in the neck.

Why don't vampires have surprise pregnancies?

They need permission to come inside

Hear about the vampire who had trouble biting people properly?

He had dysnecksia.

I once killed six zombies and nine vampires

I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....

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A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree

A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree. "I'm thirsty", says the vampire, "I'm going to to bite you in the neck and drink your blood!"

"Nooo!!!" cries the man, "Please don't! I have a wife and kids! I'm too young to die!"

"I don't care" says the va...

Where do college age vampires shop?

Forever 21

Why don't vampires use autocorrect?

Because they love Type Os

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Why do vampires usually pull out during sex?

They can't come inside without an invitation.

Why do vampires never create new businesses?

They're afraid of the stakeholders

(A joke I just made up)

People still think there are vampires in Romania.

But I haven’t seen one since 1645.

How does a vampire start a letter?

Tomb it may concern...

Why should you always bet against vampires?

Vampires flee as soon as you raise the stake.

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Vampires make the best partners

They always ask before cumming inside

How do you kill a vampire with high cholesterol?

By driving a steak through his heart.

A friend asked me who my favourite vampire was.

"That puppet from Sesame Street", I replied.

They told me he didn't count.

I said, "I beg to differ...".

Somebody told me that I look like a vampire.

I looked in the mirror but I just don't see it.

Why are there so few Irish vampires?

They can't stand Gaelic.

What do you call a vampire with insomnia?

Dust

What d you call a blind vampire?

Count see

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?

Because she had bad blood !

( For all the people who can laugh at a corny Taylor Swift joke ) lol

The vampire joke

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The strongest one started 1st,

"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "di...

My friends went to Transylvania to see if vampires really exist

That's ridiculous. I've lived there in a castle for 700 years and I've never seen one.

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Why are vampires such jerks?

Because they are incapable of self reflection.

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.


They bless the rains down in Africa.

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what's a British vampire's favorite sexual position?

Cunnilingus full stop.

How did one vampire give COVID to the other?

By coffin on him!

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A vampire walks into a bar

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of blood. Bartender gives it to him, he pays and leaves.

Another vampire walks in, orders a shot of blood, takes it, pays and leaves.

A third vampire walks in and ask for a cup of hot water. Confused, the bartender asks why not a shot of bl...

What is a vampire's favourite thing to do?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones.

How come vampires are portrayed to be porcelain white even though the original vampire, Vlad Dracula, was quite swarthy?

Must be his nickname.

Three vampires are competing at who can drink the most blood

They decide to meet in an hour and see who drank the most. An hour passes and they meet. The first vampire's face is bloody. The second vampire is even bloodier, his hands are bloody aswell. But the third one won: the blood is dripping down his face and his shirt is coverred in it, and so are his ha...

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What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

Click here for a good old fashioned vampire joke.

Ha ha ha. You sucker.

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Hear about the vampire who quit his job at the Amusement Park?

He used to set up the Hall of Mirrors but he just couldn't see himself doing it anymore.

What happened when two vampires had a race?

They finished neck and neck

Most vampires suck at maths

unless you Count Dracula

What's a British vampires favorite letter?

Bloody L

Vegans are a lot like vampires...

...always going on about their diet "blah, blah-blah"

I'm working on a book about vampire gangs.

I'm titling it the Bloods and the Crypts.

If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then what do you feed a vampire?

A stake.

I don't know why girls are obsessed with vampires

They suck.

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through their heart.

It may sound easy, but the process is painstaking.

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Why do vampires dress in Victorian clothes?

Because they love period sex.

(NSFW) Why can't vampires accidentally get you pregnant?

A vampire always has to ask to come inside.

How to you tell if a vampire is sick?

By how much he is coffin

Vampire

How do u say goodbye to a vampire?
So long sucker

What do you call an educated vampire?

Dr.Acula

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

Three vampires are in a cabin in the woods...

The three vampires are sitting together in a cabin talking about their accomplishments as vampires.
Soon, they start to brag who's the best vampire. Then they suggest a competition: who can suck the most blood in the least time.

The first one leaves and returns after an hour, his lips ...

I used to work with a Vampire

He was a real pain in the neck.

Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever.

It took him 12 years to transform into a bat.

Why did the Vampire go to the store for milk and cigarettes

He didn’t wanna be around the son anymore

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Why was the vampire upset after having sex?

Premature adraculation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a vampire takes a woman’s virginity?

First blood.

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Three vampires walk into a bar

They all take a seat and the bartender comes up to serve them.

'I'll have a glass of blood', the first vampire says. The bartender hands it to him and looks over to the next vampire.

'I'll have a glass of blood too', the second vampire says. The bartender does the same before walking u...

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

So the snowman gets frisky with the vampire

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Why don't vampires bet on horses?

They can't handle the stakes.

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How do vampires cum?

They e*dracula*te

I was bitten by a nonbinary vampire last night...

They came from Trans-Sylvania.

Do Rumanians get upset when they get asked about Vampires?

I asked my Rumanian friend whether he ever gets upset when people ask him whether his relatives were Vampires.

He said "Of course not, That has only happened two or three times this past 180 years."

Is 'The Vampire Diaries' even a good show?

I heard the Characters suck a lot

It was a tough Halloween this year..

I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.

Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!"

If a cup has had holy water in it, a vampire should never drink from it again.

There's too much risk of cross contamination.

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when suddenly, out of nowhere, a vampire jumps on their windshield

The nuns panic and the one driving starts swerving the car to try knock him off, to no avail.

"Quick! Quick! Show him your cross! Show him your cross!", shouts the one nun.

The other nun looks at the vampire and shouts:

"Get the f\*\*k off the windshield!!"

How do you tie up a vampire?

With garlic knots.

Why are vampires happy?

Because they don't reflect.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy

**First night as a vampire hunter:** oh no

When a vampire asks for a cup of Joe,

he really means it.

Why do people think Vampires have Coronavirus?

Because they’re always coffin.

Why did the vampire get nervous during the poker game?

His opponent had just raised the stakes.

What’s a vampire’s favorite ethnic food?

Maxi Pad Thai.

What's the worst part for vampires in a committed relationship with women?

Having to wait 24 days for the good part.

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A French and British vampire walk into a bar

The French orders for a glass of champagne then mixes blood into it.

The British orders a cup of hot water, which makes the French surprised:

\- No tea?

\- Quite the contrary, my friend - The British replies - then pulls out a used tampon from his jacket

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

The Bat Bet

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat returns with blood around his m...

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

What do Covid and Vampires have in common?

The coughin'

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

How does a vampire get across the ocean?

a boat

What did the vampire say to the teacher

see you next period

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I hate my job as a Poop Vampire...

It really sucks ass.

A vampire comes home, covered in blood

"Hey, awesome, where've you been?"

"Well, do you see the tree outside the castle?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I didn't"

A vampire, a zombie, and a ghost are at a party.

The ghost gets something to eat, then immediately asks the zombie where the bathroom is. The ghost does his business, and returns to get some more food. He has some more to eat, then excuses himself to the restroom with the vampire. When he gets back, the zombie asks if the ghost is fe all right. ...

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

Three hungry vampires were going to feed one night

They decided amongst themselves that they would go out and feed one vampire at the time, while the other two watched over their den.
The first vampire went out.
After an hour he came back to the den with blood covering his teeth.
- "Where did you go to feed?" the other two vampires asked...

If I had to choose, I think I'd rather be a Vegetarian Vampire.

Beets the alternative.

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