When does an idea kill a vampire?

When it dawns on them.

Why are there so many vampire stories, but only in Europe, the Americas, Antarctica, and Asia?

Because vampires die if they touch holy water, and they bless the rains down in Africa.

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

What do pedophile vampires do to relax?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vampire walks into a bar.

A vampire walks into a bar, he goes over to the bar and says"Bartender I would like two shots of blood." The bartender reaches behind the bar, and pours him two shots of blood.

Another vampire overhears, and decides he would like two shots of blood. The bartender once again pours him two shot...

What do you call a Vampire with a bad cold?

Nosferachoo!

What do you call a Vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from the blood bank?

A cab!

Why did the Vampire go to the doctor?

He couldn’t stop coffin...

Three vampires are sleeping in a crypt.

One of them wakes up and flies away.

When he comes back, blood is dripping from his teeth.

"Guys, see that house? I sucked out the people who lived there!"



After a while, the second vampire leaves the crypt.

When he comes back, his entire head is covered in blood....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the best part about having sex with a vampire?

They can't get you pregnant.

Not because their sperm is dead.

But because they can't come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my haunTED talk

What does a vampire drink when depressed?

B positive!

Why are vampires like wizards?

Because they’re neck-romancers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don’t vampires suck cock?

Oh wait… Twilight

A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk

So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting

A man was talking to a vampire at 11 PM

Man: so you disintegrate when you see the sun?

Vampire: yes.

Man: then how do tou survive in the moonlight?

Vampire: what?

Man: the moon is just reflecting off of the sun.

Vampire: ...


And that children, is why vampires don't exist.

How many vampires are there?

I don’t know, I can’t Count Dracula

Why was the vampire removed as CEO?

He couldn't appeal to the stakeholders.

3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest

The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.”

The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later wit...

The time is midnight. Three vampires gather in a room.

The three vampires are arguing who is the strongest vampire. So, they decide to have a small competition to see who sucks more blood from humans. The first vampire stands up, and flies into the window of the hotel room. He returns back in an hour, his mouth stained with blood. The other two vampires...

What do my girlfriend and a vampire with no teeth have in common?

Neither of them suck

Three vampires were arguing who is the strongest among them.

So they decided to test their strength practically.

The first vampire, being the young blood got up and said "I'm the strongest and I'll prove it". He stood up and flew very fast out of the window. A while later he came back with his mouth covered in blood. He arrogantly said "You guys see th...

A joke for Halloween: why are vampires so easy to fool?

Because they're suckers.

Why can't a vampire see his bride on the wedding day?

Because an open casket ceremony costs more

What's forbidden to diabetic vampires

sweethearts

What's the difference between a vampire and a lawyer?

You can kill the vampire by stabbing a wooden peg in his heart.

The lawyer does not have one.

what does a russian vampire say?

\*\*I'm gonna cyka blyat\*\*

What do you call it when you bang a vampire?

A graveyard smash!

What do you call a vampire who went to the beach?

Ash!

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

What do you call a wealthy Greek vampire?

Count Drachma.

A vampire was giving a presentation at a career fair.

The vampire, being hundreds of years old, had decided to conduct an experiment to see which career path was the most rewarding. He had every degree and certification you could imagine, but he settled on a surprising choice: cleaning mirrors.


When questioned, he said, "There's something ab...

What is a vampires favorite beer?

Blood Light

What is a vampire's weakness?

Hepatitis B

What did the vampire say to the teacher?

See you next period.

Why are vampires so impulsive?

They never reflect on things.

Vampires need to stop turning their victims at such a young age.

Help end Premature Draculation.

Vampire joke

Three vampires meet up in the street to talk about their recent kills.

The first vampire has some blood dripping onto his chin.

"See that pole over there?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Well beyond it I found a couple and drained them dry."

The second vampire has blood all ove...

A vampire sells a mirror

Cheap mirror, excellent condition; Never used.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

Three vampires go into a bar

Bartender asks to first vampire that what he would like to drink. First vampire wants a glass of blood. Bartender asks the second vampire the same thing, second vampire wants a glass of blood too. Bartender asks the third vampire and third vampire asks for only a glass of hot water. Bartender supris...

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

There were too many vampires on our midst.

So we had to raise the stakes.

Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?"

The first vampire says, "Blood. Give me blood."

The second vampire says, "I too wish for blood!"

The third vampire says, "Give me plasma."

The Bartender smiles and says, "Got it. Two bloods and one blood-light."

What do you call a vampire slayer that lies?

Bluffy.

Vampire Weekend’s tour bus driver was arrested.

He was caught smuggling Contra band.

So this vampire wants to bake some cookies...

It's a gloomy day, and this vampire thinks some chocolate chip cookies will cheer him up. Now he's not much of a baker, so he decided to walk to the store from some of that fine, premade cookie dough. He's walking home, excited, and the weather's clearing up and the sun is coming out. It's turning ...

How do you kill a gluten free Vampire?

Garlic bread

Why are there no vampires in Africa?

Because
I blessed the rains down in Africa

How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

If he's coffin.

Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”

He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.

“ I j...

Why do female vampires have an advantage over male vampires?

Because they get free supply of blood once a month.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two nuns are driving down a dark road country road..

All of a sudden a vampire jumps out from the trees and lands directly on the hood of the car, baring it's teeth at them.

"Quick! Show him your cross" exclaims one of the sisters.

The other nun leans out the window and screams, "Get off the fucking car you spooky bitch!"

A joke from my childhood

Three vampires entered a "special" club. The first vampire is wealthy. The second is middle class, while the third is poor.

The first vampire said to the waiter, "I would like the freshest human blood you have."

The second one said, "A cup of animal blood for me, please."

The th...

Why do vampires like single proprietorship model of ownership?

Coz, they are afraid of stake-holders!

i sucked a vampire's blood once

it was irony

What do you call a vampire who doesn’t ask for consent?

A vapist

What does a vampire bathe in?

A bath tub.

A vampire was about to attack a woman in a dark alley. She screamed and said "please don't, you wouldn't want me, I have AIDS"

"Don't worry, I have a condom" the vampire replied.

Why don’t vampires have any friends

Because they are a pain in the neck

Wy do vampire's keep making the same mistake?

They lack self - reflection

How does a hacker vampire kill its victims?

With a kill-o-byte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 vampires are in a bar.

One orders a Type A+ Blood Smoothie.
The second one order a Type O+ Blood Slushie.
The third one orders a glass of water.
The other two are shocked.
The third one grabs out a used tampon and says, "Don't worry, I am making tea!'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a vampire's beer of choice?

Bloodweiser. (Or Blood Light, if he's a total pussy.)

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?

Frost bite

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do vampires use to make tea?

Used tampons

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.