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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

How do you know if a vampire has COVID?

He's coffin

I was recently asked who my favourite vampire was. I said, “the muppet from Sesame Street.”

They told me, “He doesn’t count!”

I replied, “I assure you, he does.”

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

You do realize that Vampires aren't real...

Unless you Count Dracula.

Why did the vampire get nervous during the poker game?

His opponent had just raised the stakes.

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

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Why do vampires usually pull out during sex?

They can't come inside without an invitation.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy

**First night as a vampire hunter:** oh no

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Three vampires walked into a bar...

The first one ordered a glass of blood.The second one also ordered a glass of blood.The third one ordered a glass of water, so his friends asked him: "What the fuck, Vlad?"

He then replied: ...

What do you call an educated vampire?

Dr.Acula

How do vampires thank their victims?

Drank you so much!!

What's a vampire's favorite beer?

*Bloodw*eiser

Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire

It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when suddenly, out of nowhere, a vampire jumps on their windshield

The nuns panic and the one driving starts swerving the car to try knock him off, to no avail.

"Quick! Quick! Show him your cross! Show him your cross!", shouts the one nun.

The other nun looks at the vampire and shouts:

"Get the f\*\*k off the windshield!!"

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A French and British vampire walk into a bar

The French orders for a glass of champagne then mixes blood into it.

The British orders a cup of hot water, which makes the French surprised:

\- No tea?

\- Quite the contrary, my friend - The British replies - then pulls out a used tampon from his jacket

Three vampires challenge themselves to a blood drink off

The first one comes back, 10 minutes later, lips bloodied proud of himself.
The two others ask him how he got so much blood, so the vampire points towards a corpse drain of all it’s blood only to say: you see that girl, yep, that’s her blood!

The second vampire turns into a bat and leaves...

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A vampire masturbating in front of a mirror?

Bet you didn’t see that coming!

To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through its heart.

The process is painstaking.

What did the vampire say to the teacher

see you next period

A vampire comes home, covered in blood

"Hey, awesome, where've you been?"

"Well, do you see the tree outside the castle?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I didn't"

I think that one puppet from Sesame Street is my favorite vampire ever.

Some people claim he doesn't count, but I'm certain that he does.

Why did the vampire fall in love with the Wizard?

Because the wizard was a neck-romancer.

This movie about killing dwarf vampires has no tension

The stakes are too low

Why don't vampires bet on horses?

They can't handle the stakes.

What do Covid and Vampires have in common?

The coughin'

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What did the vampire say to her boob doctor?

Fangs for the mammaries!

What kind of ship does a vampire like?

A blood vessel

Why was the vampire in a good mood?

His last victim’s blood was B+

What do a vampire and a cow have on common?

Both of their lives are at stake

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

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I hate my job as a Poop Vampire...

It really sucks ass.

Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?

To prevent bat breathe.








Edit : it's breath (sorry for the typo)

What do you call a group of vampire enthusiasts?

A fang club

I'm afraid my wife might be a vampire.

She like to stay out all night, all of her guy friends invite her over before she can visit them and she always seems genuinely concerned when I try to stab her with a wooden stake.

What do you call a vampire who’s car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank?

A cab

Why do vampires make terrible businessmen?

>!They can't deal with stakeholders!<

A vampire, a zombie, and a ghost are at a party.

The ghost gets something to eat, then immediately asks the zombie where the bathroom is. The ghost does his business, and returns to get some more food. He has some more to eat, then excuses himself to the restroom with the vampire. When he gets back, the zombie asks if the ghost is fe all right. ...

If I had to choose, I think I'd rather be a Vegetarian Vampire.

Beets the alternative.

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Three vampires walk into a bar.

The first vampire orders a shot of blood, the second vampire orders a double shot and the third one orders a cup of hot water.

Confused, the bartender asks the 3rd vampire, "Why didn't you order any blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and replies, "I'm making tea".

What is a vampire's favorite flavor of ice cream?

Vein-illa

Why do vampires need masks?

They're always coffin

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How do vampires cum?

They e*dracula*te

What do you call a narcissistic vampire?

Transyl*VAIN.*

What do you call a vampire that checks the calorie content of these between meals?

Count Snackula.

What is a Vampire's Favorite Fruit?

Nectarine


(Blood Orange is a close second)

r/dadjokes said I didn't have enough Karma to post, so here I am.

The other night I tried to kill a vampire with a really big pointy stick, but my aim was terrible.

It was a giant missed stake.

I just did a DNA test and found out I’m 50% vampire

I’m so bloody ashamed I can’t look at myself in the mirror.

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

3 vampires met for dinner...

..they wanted to figure out, who manages to drink more blood in a certain time, so they agreed to meet again in an hour. They transformed into bats and flew away fast, in different directions.As the hour expired everyone arrived and the competition started.

The first vapmire opened his mouth ...

Three hungry vampires were going to feed one night

They decided amongst themselves that they would go out and feed one vampire at the time, while the other two watched over their den.
The first vampire went out.
After an hour he came back to the den with blood covering his teeth.
- "Where did you go to feed?" the other two vampires asked...

I once knew a vampire named Backspace.

I asked him why he was named Backspace and he said, "It's because I'm really good at removing type-O's."

Did you know vampires are dog people?

After all, they have the biggest canines.

Why don't vampires suck on chinese blood?

Because it tastes wong.

Three vampires sit on a roof.

(sorry if I translate something wrong)
They talk and after a while the first says "I´m hungry" and flies away. Shortly after he comes back with blood all over him and says "see that barn over there? There lives an old man I took his blood." Then the second vampire flies away he comes back afte...

What do redneck vampires drink?

Blood Light

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

What do you call an attention deficit French vampire?

Drac...Ooh La La!

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

Three vampires walk into a bar...

Three vampires walk into a bar.

Bartender: what'll you have?

Vampire 1: I'll have an A positive

Vampire 2: I'll have an O negative

Vampire 3: just a plasma for me

Bartender: Ok, let me make sure: that's two bloods and blood light?

I met a vampire who is a MASSIVE sociopath

He has absolutely no capability of self-reflection.

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

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This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

A vampire calls his doctor, "Someting is very, very wrong."

When I pee, there is no blood!

Three vampires decide to hold a race

Whoever can get a mouth full of blood the quickest wins. The first vampire flies out and comes back in 10 minutes with his mouth full of blood.

"You see that college there? I like the fresh blood"

The second vampire flies out and comes back within 5 minutes, blood dripping out of his ...

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Why don't vampires have a very active sex life?

They only eat pussy once a month.

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a vampire, a nun, a gorilla and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke??"

Where do vampires get their school supplies?

Pennsylvania

Why are vampires so impulsive?

Because they never reflect on anything.

What do you call a vampire on sale?

Discount Dracula.

Why didnt the vampire attack taylor swift?

cuz she got bad blood

What's a vampires favorite fruit?

A blood orange

ME [a detective]: The victim has 2 puncture wounds on his neck. He was obviously bitten by a vampire.

######OTHER DETECTIVE [Holding up bloody BBQ fork]:
I think he was stabbed with this.

**ME [Pinching bridge of nose]:** Gary… why would a vampire use a BBQ fork?

What do you call a cross dressing vampire?

Dragula

What do you call a vampire’s shoulder blade?

Count Scapula

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If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don’t vampires suck cock?

Oh wait… Twilight

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What do pedophile vampires do to relax?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones.

Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.

The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.

"See that little kid over there? That's where."

The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with eve...

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Vampires!

So a Man and His newly wedded wife were about to have Sex in this Transylvanian Hotel. She was lying on the bed, dress in nothing but her tiny lingerie. Just when he was about to get on the bed with her and do the deed. A Vampire crashed through the roof between them. It stood there, menacingly, and...

My sister-in-law accidentally won a beauty pageant for vampire hunters

She's the new Miss Stake.

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Mee and my girlfriend wanted to see a series on Netflix...

She told me she wanted to see Vampire Diary, but I wanted to see La Casa De Papel so I told her "Fine, who ever has the biggest penis gets to choose whatever series they want."



So yea Vampire Diary is a nice show after all

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What do a flute and a vampire prostitute have in common?

They both blow sharp.

How can you tell when a vampire is done?...

When he ‘edraculates’...

Have you ever heard of an italian vampire?

Neither have i #garlicPower

What can you tell about a vampire who attacks during the day?

He's a daydrinker.

How is having a cold like being a vampire?

Coughin' when you sleep!

Dr. Johnson is approached by Ted, a new vampire.

“I just got turned,” Ted tells him. “You gotta help me out. I need blood, and I don’t want to kill anyone.”

Dr. Johnson agrees to help, providing Ted with the blood bags he needs. He refers Ted to counseling to deal with the psychological effects of the change. He even lets Ted crash on his c...

Q: What does a vampire drink to get drunk?

A: Bloody mary

What do you call a russian vampire?

Blyat cyka

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What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey's blood?

Tastes like ass.

I agree with DJT, we must stop the count!!

Vampires can be very dangerous, after all.

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I love sexy vampires.

They're neck romancers.

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What song does a vampire sing when he bites a woman's breasts?

Fangs for the Mammaries.

Took a shower with a vampire yesterday

It was a bloodbath

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What do you call a gassy vampire?

Flatula


I misheard somebody say spatula and thought they said this and now I can't stop laughing. It's so fucking bad..

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One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

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A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

Why do Mexican Vampires prefer Asians who have ticks?

They want that Corona and Lyme

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