UPJOKE
draculaundeadlamiawitchdemonbatvillainrabiesghoultuberculosissupernaturalvampire batcurseshroudalbania

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

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A vampire masturbating in front of a mirror

Bet you didn't see that coming.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

What did the vampire say to their human girlfriend?

"See you next month."

Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever.

Took him 15 years to figure out how to turn himself into a bat

I always wondered why you hear stories of vampires in Europe but never Africa.

Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water, and they bless the rain down in Africa

Why are vampires very bad Product Managers?

Because they refuse to meet with stake holders

[Click Here to invite Vampire Cat inside.]

Vampire Cat: Mwahaha! You fool!

*Walks inside*

*Walks back outside*

Vampire Cat: May I come in?

Three vampires enter into a competition

The first vampire tells the other 2:

\- “Hey! I have an idea! Let’s have a competition between the three of us to see who is the best at sucking blood!”

Since they have nothing to else to do, the other two vampires think it is a good idea and agree to the competition.

After tha...

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What do you get when you cross a vampire and a butterfly?

A Blooderfly

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Three vampires walk into a bar...

The bartender asks the first vampire what he’d like to drink and he replies, “a bloody Mary, of course.”

The bartender then asks the second bloodsucker what he wants.

“A dark glass of red. A cabernet, perhaps.”

Finally the barkeep makes his way to third vampire to find out wha...

what is a male vampire's pronouns in the sunlight?

he/hiss

How do you stop a vampire from breeding?

Don't give it permission to come inside.

What do you call an undead-loving vampire?

A neckromancer.

What do you call a cross dressing vampire?

Dragula

Why do vampires hate going to court?

Because of the cross-examinations.

Vampires live in europe

Because someone blessed the rains down in Africa

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and went to get some sleep

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began asking him where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Fine", he said, "follow me" and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valle...

How do you kill a vegan vampire?

Drive a steak through their heart.

How do you say bye to a vampire?

So long sucker

Must be hard being a vampire

Me: hey Dracula you got something in your teeth?

Dracula: Where? Here?

Me: No not there

Dracula: Here?

Me: No, just look in the m..

Dracula: look in the WHAT Sarah? Look in the WHAT?

Why can't vampires ever grow as people?

Because they're incapable of self reflection

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

How do you kill a French vampire?

You have to stab him/her with a baguette.

It sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.

How do you kill a redneck vampire?

A silver mullet

What's similar between a sorcerer and a vampire?

They're both neck-romancers.

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A Vampire walks into a Bar

and asks for a pint of blood. The Barman says "we don't serve blood", so the Vampire orders a Guinness, and sits down.
Another Vampire enters the bar,and proceeds to the counter. He orders a pint of blood,is told the same,"we don't serve blood!!", so orders a Guinness, and sits next to the first ...

Why did the vampire not put on his makeup before a date?

He just couldn’t see himself doing it.

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2 vampires have an argument over eating humans

Vampire 1: "Why the fuck are you even arguing about this?! You ate a live human 2 days ago"

Vampire 2: "What's your point?"

Vampire 1: "So you can't have a go at me for for doing it!"

Vampire 2: "Its not the same thing"

Vampire 1: "They were in a coma! There's no differen...

Why did the vampire refuse to attend the interdepartmental meeting?

He didn’t want to face that many stakeholders.

A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank...

A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career

He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.

In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job s...

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2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...

One nun says to the other “Quick sister, show him your cross!”

The other nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!”

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A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree

A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree. "I'm thirsty", says the vampire, "I'm going to to bite you in the neck and drink your blood!"

"Nooo!!!" cries the man, "Please don't! I have a wife and kids! I'm too young to die!"

"I don't care" says the va...

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Why do vampires usually pull out during sex?

They can't come inside without an invitation.

Why don't vampires use autocorrect?

Because they love Type Os

How does a vampire pay the mortgage?

With cryptocurrency

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Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+"

and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a use...

A friend asked me who my favourite vampire was.

"That puppet from Sesame Street", I replied.

They told me he didn't count.

I said, "I beg to differ...".

A vampire accidentally kills someone and comes to the funeral.

He walks up to one of the relatives and says "Sorry for your blood loss"

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Three vampires walk into a bar....

The first walks up and says to the barman "I'll have a pint of lager please pal". He gets his drink, sits at an empty table and waits for his mates.

The second goes up to the barman and says "G&T for me please mate". He gets his drink and goes to join his friend at the table.

The t...

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Why do vampires like virgins?

If you went out to you're favorite deli and ordered a sandwich you would probably also want one that had never had a penis in it.

A vampire dies and he goes to the heaven

And he meets the God, the God says:

"I see you were a good vampire, never hurts any human, and only feed on ox blood, didn’t you?"

"Yes, yes my lord." The vampire answers humbly.

"So," the God says, "I will give you a chance for you to choose your own next life, you could be a...

Why do vampires never create new businesses?

They're afraid of the stakeholders

(A joke I just made up)

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At a vampire bar.

Typical vampire bar.
Vamp walking in screaming.
-Bartender! A+ full glass!
Bartender do the order.
Another vamp walking in.
-Bartender B- big jar!
Bartender does it and gave to vamp.
Third vamp walking in. Calmly going to bar sat down.
-Bartender a bowl of hot water please....

What do you call a vampire that defecates in a box?

Vladimir Poo-Tin.

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Two nuns are sitting in their car one evening, stuck at traffic lights.

As the lights turn green, out of nowhere, a vampire appears in front of their car!

Sister Mary turns to the more experienced Sister Agnes and cries out "Sister! A manifestation of pure evil! What shall we do!?"

Sister Agnes, with all of her holy wisdom, stays calm and says "Sister Mary...

What's something you can say to a hooker and a vampire?

Suck it

Why didn't the vampire atteck tayolr swift?

Because she had bad blood

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New Lover

A man got married to a hot (unknown to him, vampire) woman and took her out for dinner. The next day she was very ill and complained of chest pains, then she vomited fire and the bathroom burned down.

"What did you feed her" asked his friend.

He said that his dish was garlic shrimp. He...

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I can do anything better than you

Three Vampires trying to outdo one another. The first went away, come back with blood trickling out the side of his mouth. "I killed the whole family. The 2nd one went and comeback with even more blood. I killed the whole town. 3rd one goes away. Comes back, his whole body is saturated with blood. W...

People still think there are vampires in Romania.

But I haven’t seen one since 1645.

Why don’t vampires just eat juicy meats full of blood?

Too much cholesterol can get them a steak through the heart.

(Credit to u/down_vote_magnet for the punchline of this joke)

What is a vampire's favourite thing to do?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones.

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

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Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar

They all sit on stools at the counter, and the bartender comes to serve them right away.


"What will it be gentlemen?"


The first Vampire asks for a half pint of blood, and after getting his, takes a sip and smiles wide, flashing his white fangs.


"What'll it be to you ...

Three vampires are gathering in the middle of the night to compare their strength...

Says the first : See that woman over there? Wait... <wooshes away and comes back after 20 seconds, the mouth still dripping of fresh blood>. See - it only took me 20 seconds to completely empty that body!

Says the second : Not bad, but uh... see that village over there? Wait... <woos...

What's the differnce between Jesus and a vampire?

Where you stick the wooden stake.

How do you defeat a vampire using eggs?

.
.
.
.
Serve ‘em sunny side up

Telescopes use mirrors

Therefore we could be looking at space vampires and we'd never know it.

I tried to make a comprehensive list of all the vampires in classical literature.

But I forgot to Count Dracula.

What do you feed a vegan vampire?

A blood orange!

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Why do vampires never get people pregnant?

They can’t cum inside without permission

I once killed six zombies and nine vampires

I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....

How does a vampire start a letter?

Tomb it may concern...

Why don't vampires have surprise pregnancies?

They need permission to come inside

Where do college age vampires shop?

Forever 21

Click here for a good old fashioned vampire joke.

Ha ha ha. You sucker.

Why don’t vampires suck on the British?

Because they taste like bloody hell

Hear about the vampire who had trouble biting people properly?

He had dysnecksia.

What do vampires drink when they are on a diet?

Blood light

Somebody told me that I look like a vampire.

I looked in the mirror but I just don't see it.

What d you call a blind vampire?

Count see

Why should you always bet against vampires?

Vampires flee as soon as you raise the stake.

How come vampires are portrayed to be porcelain white even though the original vampire, Vlad Dracula, was quite swarthy?

Must be his nickname.

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What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

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Hear about the vampire who quit his job at the Amusement Park?

He used to set up the Hall of Mirrors but he just couldn't see himself doing it anymore.

Vegans are a lot like vampires...

...always going on about their diet "blah, blah-blah"

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Why don't vampires bet on horses?

They can't handle the stakes.

Three vampires are in a cabin in the woods...

The three vampires are sitting together in a cabin talking about their accomplishments as vampires.
Soon, they start to brag who's the best vampire. Then they suggest a competition: who can suck the most blood in the least time.

The first one leaves and returns after an hour, his lips ...

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?

Because she had bad blood !

( For all the people who can laugh at a corny Taylor Swift joke ) lol

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A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water.

The bartender asks, “I thought you guys only drank blood?”

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "Yes, I’m making tea".

Why isn't it nice to socialise with vampires?

They're a pain in the neck.

Three vampires are competing at who can drink the most blood

They decide to meet in an hour and see who drank the most. An hour passes and they meet. The first vampire's face is bloody. The second vampire is even bloodier, his hands are bloody aswell. But the third one won: the blood is dripping down his face and his shirt is coverred in it, and so are his ha...

Why are there so few Irish vampires?

They can't stand Gaelic.

How did one vampire give COVID to the other?

By coffin on him!

A fruit bat is visiting a vampire bat's house. Suddenly he hears his friend call out from the kitchen: "could you help, I've lost a lot of blood." He starts to call for the doctor, but suddenly he hears his friend say "wait, nevermind..."

"I just didn't notice it in the back of the fridge."

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what's a British vampire's favorite sexual position?

Cunnilingus full stop.

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Vampires make the best partners

They always ask before cumming inside

What happened when two vampires had a race?

They finished neck and neck

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when suddenly, out of nowhere, a vampire jumps on their windshield

The nuns panic and the one driving starts swerving the car to try knock him off, to no avail.

"Quick! Quick! Show him your cross! Show him your cross!", shouts the one nun.

The other nun looks at the vampire and shouts:

"Get the f\*\*k off the windshield!!"

I don't know why girls are obsessed with vampires

They suck.

(NSFW) Why can't vampires accidentally get you pregnant?

A vampire always has to ask to come inside.

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

I was bitten by a nonbinary vampire last night...

They came from Trans-Sylvania.

Did you hear about the vampire who got into crypto?

Got killed when he tried staking.

I'm working on a book about vampire gangs.

I'm titling it the Bloods and the Crypts.

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Why was the vampire upset after having sex?

Premature adraculation.

If a cup has had holy water in it, a vampire should never drink from it again.

There's too much risk of cross contamination.

I used to work with a Vampire

He was a real pain in the neck.

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Three vampires walk into a bar

They all take a seat and the bartender comes up to serve them.

'I'll have a glass of blood', the first vampire says. The bartender hands it to him and looks over to the next vampire.

'I'll have a glass of blood too', the second vampire says. The bartender does the same before walking u...

If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then what do you feed a vampire?

A stake.

Is 'The Vampire Diaries' even a good show?

I heard the Characters suck a lot

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What do you call it when a vampire takes a woman’s virginity?

First blood.

What's a British vampires favorite letter?

Bloody L

Why did the Vampire go to the store for milk and cigarettes

He didn’t wanna be around the son anymore

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy

**First night as a vampire hunter:** oh no

What do you get when you mix a snowman with a vampire?

frostbite!

Do Rumanians get upset when they get asked about Vampires?

I asked my Rumanian friend whether he ever gets upset when people ask him whether his relatives were Vampires.

He said "Of course not, That has only happened two or three times this past 180 years."

Why are vampires happy?

Because they don't reflect.

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