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Vampire Jokes

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A vampire masturbating in front of a mirror

Bet you didn't see that coming.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

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There's a vampire that only feeds off the blood of menstruating women.

His name is Cunt Dracula!

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

Why don't vampires use autocorrect?

Because they love Type Os

First day as a vampire hunter: Wow this is easy

First night as a vampire hunter: Oh no

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

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Why do vampires usually pull out during sex?

They can't come inside without an invitation.

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

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A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree

A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree. "I'm thirsty", says the vampire, "I'm going to to bite you in the neck and drink your blood!"

"Nooo!!!" cries the man, "Please don't! I have a wife and kids! I'm too young to die!"

"I don't care" says the va...

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was...

I told her it was the dude from Sesame street

She said, "He doesn't count."

I said, "Oh I assure you, he does."

(obligatory cake day joke)

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A vampire walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "What will you have?"

Vampire says, "A cup of hot water."

The bartender asks, "Do you want any teabags with that?"

The vampire replies as he proceeds to pull out a bloody tampon, "No thanks, I brought my own."

Did you hear about the reckless vampire?

He raised the stakes!

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What do you get when you cross a vampire and a butterfly?

A Blooderfly

Transylvanian vampires

There is this annoying stereotype that Transylvanians are vampires. It's complete BS. I've never met one, and I've been around for centuries.

Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire

It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat

Why do vampires never cause unwanted pregnancies?

Because they need permission to come inside.

Three vampires are arguing amongst themselves.

Each is claiming to be the most vicious.

The first one suddenly runs off, and comes back in fifteen seconds, blood dripping from his mouth.

'See that house over there?' he says, pointing. 'I've killed all of the family members inside and sucked their bodies dry of blood.'

The s...

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(Nsfw)What must a vampire ask before he has sex?

Is it alright if I cum inside?

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Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the seco...

Why do vampires never get fat?

They eat necks to nothing

A man was drinking the blood of a vampire...

He said, "Hm, irony"

Why do vampires hate running a big business?

Too many stakeholders.

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why can't you get pregnant from having sex with a vampire?

Because they need permission to come inside

What is a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel!

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2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...

One nun says to the other “Quick sister, show him your cross!”

The other nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!”

Three vampires challenge themselves to a blood drink off

The first one comes back, 10 minutes later, lips bloodied proud of himself.
The two others ask him how he got so much blood, so the vampire points towards a corpse drain of all it’s blood only to say: you see that girl, yep, that’s her blood!

The second vampire turns into a bat and leaves...

I once dated a vampire.

He sucked.

Vampires aren't real.

Unless you count Dracula.

Vampires love to bite throats, killing people & then returning them to life

Because vampires are neck romancers

Pat always dream of being a vampire

One day, Pat found a lamp, he rubbed it, and a Genie came out from the lamp.

"I am granting you 3 wishes, what is your 1st wish, Pat?"

"I want my face to be white." Pat didn't wait for the Genie, he continued, "I want to have wings, and I want to suck blood, a lot of blood. Yes, I ...

What kind of soup does a vampire make?

Nosferastew.

What do you call a vampire with a bachelors in Computer Science

cout << "Dracula";

Why do vampires never create new businesses?

They're afraid of the stakeholders

(A joke I just made up)

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A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village....

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A vampire goes into a bar...

He sits on the stool and orders a glass of hot water.

The bartender gets him his order but can't help himself and asks:

"Excuse me guv, but aren't your type supposed to be drinking blood?"

The vampire fishes in his pocket and pulls out a used tampon, replying:

"Tea."

Did you hear about the constipated vampire?

Doctor put him on blood thinners.

Why are vampires very bad Product Managers?

Because they refuse to meet with stake holders

A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career

He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.

In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job s...

What's the difference between a vampire and an umpire?

One sucks the life out a person, the other sucks the life out a game.

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Vampires and sex

Why was the vampire never satisfied by his lovers?

Because they never invited him to come inside.

Why are vampires so impulsive?

They never reflect on things.

What is a vampire's favourite thing to do?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones.

Everyone says there is vampires in my erea

The funny thing is I have been here for 500 years and I have never seen anything

Count Von Count is the best vampire.

Other vampires suck.

Why do vampires make the same mistakes over and over again?

Because they lack reflection.

Where do college age vampires shop?

Forever 21

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One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof*...

French vampires don’t suck your blood.

They sacrebleu!

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Two nuns are driving through Transylvania one night...

...when suddenly a vampire jumps onto the front of the car and starts screeching at them.

The head nun swerves back and forth, trying to shake off the vampire, but he is too strong.

Looking at the crucifix around her partner's neck, the head nun has an idea. She says to the other nun, ...

A vampire who is bad at his job...

...is a Hackula. But one who is good at his job is Spectacula.

A vampire bat had just returned to his cave at dawn...

His chest was covered in fresh blood. As soon as he settled in to sleep for the day the other vampire bats started crowding around him, sniffing at the blood and wanting to know how and where he got it.

He pointed one of his wings towards the mouth of the cave and said, "Can you see that big ...

How did one vampire give COVID to the other one?

By coffin on him!

Happy Halloween :)

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So a vampire walks into a bar,

He asks the bartender for a cup of hot water.

Bartender gives him the hot water and says "Hey, aren't you a vampire though? I thought your kind only drank blood."

Vampire says "of course my good man!"
He reaches into his coat and pulls out a bloody tampon then says

"It's ...

Why can’t vampires eat Swiss cheese?

Because it’s holey

My 8 year old just told me this one…

How do you stop a vegan vampire?

With a steak through its heart.

what do you call a vampire antelope?

Vlad the Impala

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A vampire walks into a bar

The bartender says: *”Let me guess, you want a bloody mary”*

The vampire says no, he wants a glass of hot water instead. The bartender looks confused but pours him his drink.

The vampire says: *”You see, I found this used tampon in the alley and I want to make some tea”*

Why did the vampire end up in the insane asylum?

He had turned batty.

Why don't vampires have any friends?

They're a real pain in the neck.

What's the first thing a vampire craves in the morning?

Black coffin

Three vampires enter into a competition

The first vampire tells the other 2:

\- “Hey! I have an idea! Let’s have a competition between the three of us to see who is the best at sucking blood!”

Since they have nothing to else to do, the other two vampires think it is a good idea and agree to the competition.

After tha...

So a vampire goes to a job interview

And the interviewer asks him where he sees himself in 5 years.

The vampire pauses and thinks before saying,

"You tell me. I haven't seen myself in a mirror in over 500 years."

A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank...

Three vampires are in a cabin in the woods...

The three vampires are sitting together in a cabin talking about their accomplishments as vampires.
Soon, they start to brag who's the best vampire. Then they suggest a competition: who can suck the most blood in the least time.

The first one leaves and returns after an hour, his lips ...

Three vampires are gathering in the middle of the night to compare their strength...

Says the first : See that woman over there? Wait... <wooshes away and comes back after 20 seconds, the mouth still dripping of fresh blood>. See - it only took me 20 seconds to completely empty that body!

Says the second : Not bad, but uh... see that village over there? Wait... <woos...

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Three vampires walk into a bar...

The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+" and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first ...

Who is a Vampires favorite actress?

Neck-hole Kidman.

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

Three vampires are bragging to each other...

The first says "Watch this." leaves, and is back in an instant, mouth covered in blood. He points at a villager and says "You see that villager? Sucked him dry."

The second, impressed, but not willing to be outdone, leaves and returns just as fast as the first, blood covering her mouth, neck ...

Vampires

Three vampires are sitting at a bar. Bartender asks the first one what he wants. "I think I'll have a glass of blood." "Okay, what'll you have?" he asks the second vampire. "That sounds good. I'll have a glass of blood, too." "And what can I get for you?" he asks the third vampire. "I'll have a glas...

What could we call an international chain of hotels catering to vampires?

Hema Globe Inns

(Thoughts on this OC?)

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

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Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar

They all sit on stools at the counter, and the bartender comes to serve them right away.


"What will it be gentlemen?"


The first Vampire asks for a half pint of blood, and after getting his, takes a sip and smiles wide, flashing his white fangs.


"What'll it be to you ...

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Why do vampires like virgins?

If you went out to you're favorite deli and ordered a sandwich you would probably also want one that had never had a penis in it.

A vampire walks into a bar

He tells the bartender he wants a Shirley Temple. The bartender heads to the backroom and a few moments later, he comes out with his drink. The vampire sips his drink and quickly spits it out. "This isn't a Shirley Temple," he tells the bartender. "I can't help it, buddy," the bartender says. "...

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At a vampire bar.

Typical vampire bar.
Vamp walking in screaming.
-Bartender! A+ full glass!
Bartender do the order.
Another vamp walking in.
-Bartender B- big jar!
Bartender does it and gave to vamp.
Third vamp walking in. Calmly going to bar sat down.
-Bartender a bowl of hot water please....

I tried to come up with a good joke about vampires but couldn’t.

They all suck.

[Click Here to invite Vampire Cat inside.]

Vampire Cat: Mwahaha! You fool!

*Walks inside*

*Walks back outside*

Vampire Cat: May I come in?

How do you say bye to a vampire?

So long sucker

I think my friend is a vampire

I stabbed him in the heart with a wooden stake and he died

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

Must be hard being a vampire

Me: hey Dracula you got something in your teeth?

Dracula: Where? Here?

Me: No not there

Dracula: Here?

Me: No, just look in the m..

Dracula: look in the WHAT Sarah? Look in the WHAT?

How do you kill a redneck vampire?

A silver mullet

What did the vampire say to their human girlfriend?

"See you next month."

What's the difference between a Lich and a Vampire?

One's a Necromancer. The other, a Neck-Romancer.

What's similar between a sorcerer and a vampire?

They're both neck-romancers.

Why do vampires hate going to court?

Because of the cross-examinations.

Why can't vampires ever grow as people?

Because they're incapable of self reflection

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Three vampires walk into a bar...

The bartender asks the first vampire what he’d like to drink and he replies, “a bloody Mary, of course.”

The bartender then asks the second bloodsucker what he wants.

“A dark glass of red. A cabernet, perhaps.”

Finally the barkeep makes his way to third vampire to find out wha...

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A Vampire walks into a Bar

and asks for a pint of blood. The Barman says "we don't serve blood", so the Vampire orders a Guinness, and sits down.
Another Vampire enters the bar,and proceeds to the counter. He orders a pint of blood,is told the same,"we don't serve blood!!", so orders a Guinness, and sits next to the first ...

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Three vampires walk into a bar

Bartender asks "What can I get ya?"

The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary."
Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks."
On the third's turn he orders "Hot water."

Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?"
To which the third vampi...

How does a vampire pay the mortgage?

With cryptocurrency

what is a male vampire's pronouns in the sunlight?

he/hiss

Why did the vampire set Van Helsing’s house on fire?

He likes his stakes well done

How come vampires are portrayed to be porcelain white even though the original vampire, Vlad Dracula, was quite swarthy?

Must be his nickname.

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