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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

Three vampires challenge themselves to a blood drink off

The first one comes back, 10 minutes later, lips bloodied proud of himself.
The two others ask him how he got so much blood, so the vampire points towards a corpse drain of all it’s blood only to say: you see that girl, yep, that’s her blood!

The second vampire turns into a bat and leaves...

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2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...

One nun says to the other “Quick sister, show him your cross!”

The other nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!”

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

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A vampire masturbating in front of a mirror

Bet you didn't see that coming.

Why don't vampires use autocorrect?

Because they love Type Os

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Why do vampires usually pull out during sex?

They can't come inside without an invitation.

Why do vampires never create new businesses?

They're afraid of the stakeholders

(A joke I just made up)

People still think there are vampires in Romania.

But I haven’t seen one since 1645.

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A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree

A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree. "I'm thirsty", says the vampire, "I'm going to to bite you in the neck and drink your blood!"

"Nooo!!!" cries the man, "Please don't! I have a wife and kids! I'm too young to die!"

"I don't care" says the va...

A friend asked me who my favourite vampire was.

"That puppet from Sesame Street", I replied.

They told me he didn't count.

I said, "I beg to differ...".

What do you call two vampires?

Dos-feratu

Where do college age vampires shop?

Forever 21

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What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

What is a vampire's favourite thing to do?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones.

Click here for a good old fashioned vampire joke.

Ha ha ha. You sucker.

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Hear about the vampire who quit his job at the Amusement Park?

He used to set up the Hall of Mirrors but he just couldn't see himself doing it anymore.

Three vampires are in a cabin in the woods...

The three vampires are sitting together in a cabin talking about their accomplishments as vampires.
Soon, they start to brag who's the best vampire. Then they suggest a competition: who can suck the most blood in the least time.

The first one leaves and returns after an hour, his lips ...

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A vampire walks into a bar

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of blood. Bartender gives it to him, he pays and leaves.

Another vampire walks in, orders a shot of blood, takes it, pays and leaves.

A third vampire walks in and ask for a cup of hot water. Confused, the bartender asks why not a shot of bl...

Three vampires are competing at who can drink the most blood

They decide to meet in an hour and see who drank the most. An hour passes and they meet. The first vampire's face is bloody. The second vampire is even bloodier, his hands are bloody aswell. But the third one won: the blood is dripping down his face and his shirt is coverred in it, and so are his ha...

Most vampires suck at maths

unless you Count Dracula

What happened when two vampires had a race?

They finished neck and neck

What do you call a vampire hard on

*Rigamortis*

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

My friends went to Transylvania to see if vampires really exist

That's ridiculous. I've lived there in a castle for 700 years and I've never seen one.

The vampire joke

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The strongest one started 1st,

"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "di...

I'm working on a book about vampire gangs.

I'm titling it the Bloods and the Crypts.

Vegans are a lot like vampires...

...always going on about their diet "blah, blah-blah"

If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then what do you feed a vampire?

A stake.

I don't know why girls are obsessed with vampires

They suck.

I used to work with a Vampire

He was a real pain in the neck.

Why did the Vampire go to the store for milk and cigarettes

He didn’t wanna be around the son anymore

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What do you call it when a vampire takes a woman’s virginity?

First blood.

How do you kill a vegan vampire?

Drive a steak through it's heart

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through their heart.

It may sound easy, but the process is painstaking.

What is a vampires favorite beer?

Blood Light

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Why do vampires dress in Victorian clothes?

Because they love period sex.

How to you tell if a vampire is sick?

By how much he is coffin

Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever.

It took him 12 years to transform into a bat.

Do Rumanians get upset when they get asked about Vampires?

I asked my Rumanian friend whether he ever gets upset when people ask him whether his relatives were Vampires.

He said "Of course not, That has only happened two or three times this past 180 years."

I was bitten by a nonbinary vampire last night...

They came from Trans-Sylvania.

Is 'The Vampire Diaries' even a good show?

I heard the Characters suck a lot

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Three vampires walk into a bar

They all take a seat and the bartender comes up to serve them.

'I'll have a glass of blood', the first vampire says. The bartender hands it to him and looks over to the next vampire.

'I'll have a glass of blood too', the second vampire says. The bartender does the same before walking u...

So the snowman gets frisky with the vampire

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

If a cup has had holy water in it, a vampire should never drink from it again.

There's too much risk of cross contamination.

(NSFW) Why can't vampires accidentally get you pregnant?

A vampire always has to ask to come inside.

How do you tie up a vampire?

With garlic knots.

Vampire

How do u say goodbye to a vampire?
So long sucker

What do you call an educated vampire?

Dr.Acula

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How do vampires cum?

They e*dracula*te

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

What’s a vampire’s favorite ethnic food?

Maxi Pad Thai.

Why don't vampires bet on horses?

They can't handle the stakes.

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

Why are vampires happy?

Because they don't reflect.

Why didn’t the vampire bite Taylor Swift?

Because she had bad blood

When a vampire asks for a cup of Joe,

he really means it.

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when suddenly, out of nowhere, a vampire jumps on their windshield

The nuns panic and the one driving starts swerving the car to try knock him off, to no avail.

"Quick! Quick! Show him your cross! Show him your cross!", shouts the one nun.

The other nun looks at the vampire and shouts:

"Get the f\*\*k off the windshield!!"

Why do people think Vampires have Coronavirus?

Because they’re always coffin.

Why did the vampire get nervous during the poker game?

His opponent had just raised the stakes.

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Male vampires account for 0% of all unexpected pregnancies.

This is because they need permission to cum inside.

What's the worst part for vampires in a committed relationship with women?

Having to wait 24 days for the good part.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A French and British vampire walk into a bar

The French orders for a glass of champagne then mixes blood into it.

The British orders a cup of hot water, which makes the French surprised:

\- No tea?

\- Quite the contrary, my friend - The British replies - then pulls out a used tampon from his jacket

How do vampires thank their victims?

Drank you so much!!

How does a vampire get across the ocean?

a boat

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy

**First night as a vampire hunter:** oh no

What does Kevlar and vampires have in common?

If the bullet don't get you the sunlight will.

What's a vampire's favorite beer?

*Bloodw*eiser

What kind of ship does a vampire like?

A blood vessel

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

What did the vampire say to the teacher

see you next period

What do you call a crazy Vampire!!

Count Crackula...

A vampire comes home, covered in blood

"Hey, awesome, where've you been?"

"Well, do you see the tree outside the castle?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I didn't"

Three hungry vampires were going to feed one night

They decided amongst themselves that they would go out and feed one vampire at the time, while the other two watched over their den.
The first vampire went out.
After an hour he came back to the den with blood covering his teeth.
- "Where did you go to feed?" the other two vampires asked...

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What did the vampire say to her boob doctor?

Fangs for the mammaries!

I once knew a vampire named Backspace.

I asked him why he was named Backspace and he said, "It's because I'm really good at removing type-O's."

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I hate my job as a Poop Vampire...

It really sucks ass.

A vampire, a zombie, and a ghost are at a party.

The ghost gets something to eat, then immediately asks the zombie where the bathroom is. The ghost does his business, and returns to get some more food. He has some more to eat, then excuses himself to the restroom with the vampire. When he gets back, the zombie asks if the ghost is fe all right. ...

What is a vampire's favorite flavor of ice cream?

Vein-illa

This movie about killing dwarf vampires has no tension

The stakes are too low

Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?

To prevent bat breathe.








Edit : it's breath (sorry for the typo)

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

Why did the vampire fall in love with the Wizard?

Because the wizard was a neck-romancer.

What do you call a narcissistic vampire?

Transyl*VAIN.*

I'm afraid my wife might be a vampire.

She like to stay out all night, all of her guy friends invite her over before she can visit them and she always seems genuinely concerned when I try to stab her with a wooden stake.

If I had to choose, I think I'd rather be a Vegetarian Vampire.

Beets the alternative.

3 vampires met for dinner...

..they wanted to figure out, who manages to drink more blood in a certain time, so they agreed to meet again in an hour. They transformed into bats and flew away fast, in different directions.As the hour expired everyone arrived and the competition started.

The first vapmire opened his mouth ...

What is a Vampire's Favorite Fruit?

Nectarine


(Blood Orange is a close second)

r/dadjokes said I didn't have enough Karma to post, so here I am.

Why don't vampires suck on chinese blood?

Because it tastes wong.

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