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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

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A vampire masturbating in front of a mirror

Bet you didn't see that coming.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

I was recently asked who my favorite vampire was.

I told them it was the one from Sesame Street.

"Pfft, he doesn't count," they said to me.

I replied "Well that's where you're wrong kiddo"

Why do vampires never create new businesses?

They're afraid of the stakeholders

(A joke I just made up)

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Why do vampires usually pull out during sex?

They can't come inside without an invitation.

What do you call an educated vampire?

Dr.Acula

Three vampires challenge themselves to a blood drink off

The first one comes back, 10 minutes later, lips bloodied proud of himself.
The two others ask him how he got so much blood, so the vampire points towards a corpse drain of all it’s blood only to say: you see that girl, yep, that’s her blood!

The second vampire turns into a bat and leaves...

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

(NSFW) Why can't vampires accidentally get you pregnant?

A vampire always has to ask to come inside.

Why don't vampires use autocorrect?

Because they love Type Os

How to you tell if a vampire is sick?

By how much he is coffin

Vampire

How do u say goodbye to a vampire?
So long sucker

Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire

It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat

You do realize that Vampires aren't real...

Unless you Count Dracula.

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart.

Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.

The vampire joke

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The strongest one started 1st,

"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "di...

Why do people think Vampires have Coronavirus?

Because they’re always coffin.

How does a vampire get across the ocean?

a boat

What’s a vampire’s favorite ethnic food?

Maxi Pad Thai.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy

**First night as a vampire hunter:** oh no

What does Kevlar and vampires have in common?

If the bullet don't get you the sunlight will.

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A French and British vampire walk into a bar

The French orders for a glass of champagne then mixes blood into it.

The British orders a cup of hot water, which makes the French surprised:

\- No tea?

\- Quite the contrary, my friend - The British replies - then pulls out a used tampon from his jacket

What kind of cheap beer do vampires drink?

Blood Light

What do you get when you mix a snowman with a vampire?

frostbite!

Why did the vampire get nervous during the poker game?

His opponent had just raised the stakes.

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when suddenly, out of nowhere, a vampire jumps on their windshield

The nuns panic and the one driving starts swerving the car to try knock him off, to no avail.

"Quick! Quick! Show him your cross! Show him your cross!", shouts the one nun.

The other nun looks at the vampire and shouts:

"Get the f\*\*k off the windshield!!"

What's a vampire's favorite beer?

*Bloodw*eiser

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

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How do vampires cum?

They e*dracula*te

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Male vampires account for 0% of all unexpected pregnancies.

This is because they need permission to cum inside.

What's the worst part for vampires in a committed relationship with women?

Having to wait 24 days for the good part.

What did the vampire say to the teacher

see you next period

I think that one puppet from Sesame Street is my favorite vampire ever.

Some people claim he doesn't count, but I'm certain that he does.

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What did the vampire say to her boob doctor?

Fangs for the mammaries!

what do you call a vampire that drinks blood between meals?

snackula

Why don't vampires bet on horses?

They can't handle the stakes.

What do you call a group of vampire enthusiasts?

A fang club

What kind of ship does a vampire like?

A blood vessel

I once knew a vampire named Backspace.

I asked him why he was named Backspace and he said, "It's because I'm really good at removing type-O's."

I'm afraid my wife might be a vampire.

She like to stay out all night, all of her guy friends invite her over before she can visit them and she always seems genuinely concerned when I try to stab her with a wooden stake.

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

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Three vampires walked into a bar...

The first one ordered a glass of blood.The second one also ordered a glass of blood.The third one ordered a glass of water, so his friends asked him: "What the fuck, Vlad?"

He then replied: ...

A vampire comes home, covered in blood

"Hey, awesome, where've you been?"

"Well, do you see the tree outside the castle?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I didn't"

Why did the vampire fall in love with the Wizard?

Because the wizard was a neck-romancer.

What is a vampire's favorite flavor of ice cream?

Vein-illa

This movie about killing dwarf vampires has no tension

The stakes are too low

Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?

To prevent bat breathe.








Edit : it's breath (sorry for the typo)

What do you call a vampire who’s car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank?

A cab

Why do vampires make terrible businessmen?

>!They can't deal with stakeholders!<

A vampire, a zombie, and a ghost are at a party.

The ghost gets something to eat, then immediately asks the zombie where the bathroom is. The ghost does his business, and returns to get some more food. He has some more to eat, then excuses himself to the restroom with the vampire. When he gets back, the zombie asks if the ghost is fe all right. ...

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I hate my job as a Poop Vampire...

It really sucks ass.

Three hungry vampires were going to feed one night

They decided amongst themselves that they would go out and feed one vampire at the time, while the other two watched over their den.
The first vampire went out.
After an hour he came back to the den with blood covering his teeth.
- "Where did you go to feed?" the other two vampires asked...

What is a Vampire's Favorite Fruit?

Nectarine


(Blood Orange is a close second)

r/dadjokes said I didn't have enough Karma to post, so here I am.

The other night I tried to kill a vampire with a really big pointy stick, but my aim was terrible.

It was a giant missed stake.

I just did a DNA test and found out I’m 50% vampire

I’m so bloody ashamed I can’t look at myself in the mirror.

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Why don't vampires have a very active sex life?

They only eat pussy once a month.

What do you call an attention deficit French vampire?

Drac...Ooh La La!

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a vampire, a nun, a gorilla and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke??"

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

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What do pedophile vampires do to relax?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones.

Why was the vampire in a good mood?

His last victim’s blood was B+

If I had to choose, I think I'd rather be a Vegetarian Vampire.

Beets the alternative.

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Three vampires walk into a bar.

The first vampire orders a shot of blood, the second vampire orders a double shot and the third one orders a cup of hot water.

Confused, the bartender asks the 3rd vampire, "Why didn't you order any blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and replies, "I'm making tea".

What do you call a narcissistic vampire?

Transyl*VAIN.*

3 vampires met for dinner...

..they wanted to figure out, who manages to drink more blood in a certain time, so they agreed to meet again in an hour. They transformed into bats and flew away fast, in different directions.As the hour expired everyone arrived and the competition started.

The first vapmire opened his mouth ...

Three vampires sit on a roof.

(sorry if I translate something wrong)
They talk and after a while the first says "I´m hungry" and flies away. Shortly after he comes back with blood all over him and says "see that barn over there? There lives an old man I took his blood." Then the second vampire flies away he comes back afte...

Three vampires walk into a bar...

Three vampires walk into a bar.

Bartender: what'll you have?

Vampire 1: I'll have an A positive

Vampire 2: I'll have an O negative

Vampire 3: just a plasma for me

Bartender: Ok, let me make sure: that's two bloods and blood light?

Did you know vampires are dog people?

After all, they have the biggest canines.

Three vampires decide to hold a race

Whoever can get a mouth full of blood the quickest wins. The first vampire flies out and comes back in 10 minutes with his mouth full of blood.

"You see that college there? I like the fresh blood"

The second vampire flies out and comes back within 5 minutes, blood dripping out of his ...

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Imagine being a vampire and having a zero-waste mother

She'd have you suck on tampons.

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What do a flute and a vampire prostitute have in common?

They both blow sharp.

A vampire calls his doctor, "Someting is very, very wrong."

When I pee, there is no blood!

Why are vampires so impulsive?

Because they never reflect on anything.

What do you call a vampire on sale?

Discount Dracula.

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What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey's blood?

Tastes like ass.

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.

The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.

"See that little kid over there? That's where."

The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with eve...

Why don't vampires suck on chinese blood?

Because it tastes wong.

I met a vampire who is a MASSIVE sociopath

He has absolutely no capability of self-reflection.

Why didnt the vampire attack taylor swift?

cuz she got bad blood

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Vampires!

So a Man and His newly wedded wife were about to have Sex in this Transylvanian Hotel. She was lying on the bed, dress in nothing but her tiny lingerie. Just when he was about to get on the bed with her and do the deed. A Vampire crashed through the roof between them. It stood there, menacingly, and...

My sister-in-law accidentally won a beauty pageant for vampire hunters

She's the new Miss Stake.

Have you ever heard of an italian vampire?

Neither have i #garlicPower

What can you tell about a vampire who attacks during the day?

He's a daydrinker.

What do you call a russian vampire?

Blyat cyka

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A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

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