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Undead Jokes

What do you call an undead chicken?

A poultrygheist.

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

What do undead bodybuilders crave?

*"gaaaaains...."*

What do you call an undead-loving vampire?

A neckromancer.

Which unit do the undead use to measure distances?

Graveyards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you pay an undead prostitute?

With CryptHo Currency.

A world with the undead

Imagine a world where zombies exist, but they're not dangerous. Just like you and I every day, except they eat brains.
The government has decided that humans can donate their organ to zombies for consumption.
Everything is pretty much back to normal.

A man and a woman end up going on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is SEXY and UNDEAD?

A Zombae

Happy Hallowe'en Y'all

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an undead shit?

Die-areha. I'll sit down now.

Where do spellcasters and the undead buy their clothes?

Aberzombie and Witch.

Having an undead teenage daughter is such a chore

All the time she rolls her eyes at me.

I have to keep picking them up and giving them back to her.

What do you call an undead bee?

A zombee

A guy once did a seance to see his undead girlfriend

He has ghosted her ever since.

What do the undead do to help the environment?

They go gangrene.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What deal did the undead entrepreneurial cattle farmer advertise?

Shit for Brains

What do you call an undead soldier that fights for Social Justice?

A Wight Knight

The original script for Dr. Strange had an undead version of Wong battle with the living one. Ultimately they decided it didn't work.

Two Wongs don't make a wight.

A woman hits up a guy in a bar

They go to her apartment and make out. Then out of nowhere, the guy starts kissing her neck, softly at first, and then it bursts into a wild ride of biting and sucking, driving her into depths of pleasure she has never had. The guy seems to be pretty experienced, choking her and then stroking her ne...

I got "poltergeist" and "zeitgeist" confused

And now disco is undead

I had a horrible nightmare last night

I dreamed that I was attacked by a ship of undead who were nothing but bones.

Fortunately, there weren't very many of them. It was a skeleton crew, after all.

What would be a great way to break the ice?

An undead dragon

A luchador, after helping a group of friends says....

"I bid you adios amigos!"

Paladin: so soon?"

Luchador: "Si. I am quest to destroy my fallen brother, corrupted by the diabolical and reborn undead. He is called... El Lichador!

1945. Lenin's ghost comes to visit Stalin

Stalin tells the undead Lenin: "See, comrade Lenin, you doubted that the Soviet people will follow me, but in fact they do!"
To which Lenin replies: "Increase the food rations, or else the Soviet people will follow me".

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