Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg.

Teacher: How much is a gram?

Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need

What's the difference between a gram of cocaine and a four year old?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a gram of cocaine fall out a window.

What’s the difference between a gram and a kilogram?

About 5-10 years.

Where does a gram go on Sunday?

Mass

How much does the devil weigh?

A pentagram.

What app defies the law of conservation of mass and matter

Instagram

What do you call a mockingbird that weighs 2,000 grams?

2 kilo mockingbird

I remember when I worked at the United Nations

And one day one of the secretaries asked me to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

Of course, I called him immediately.

"Kofi" I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'"

What app do you get, when you download instagram a thousand times?

Instakilo

Q. What's the downside to having 1000 grams?

A. The pinches on the cheeks get old real fast.

The story of Strongman Dria

In Iraq there was a man named Dria who lived in a small village. Dria was special, because he was as strong as 10 men combined. However, as a way to level the playing field, Dria wasn't very smart. He's like a little kid who doesn't realize his own power. One day Dria's grandmother becomes very ill,...

What do you call a person who took 30 grams of acid?

An ambulance.

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

What do you call a female weed dealer that sells to breast cancer patients?

A Ma'am A' Gram

I named my son Gram

It's short for Grammar because he was supposed to be a period.

What is a heroin addict's favorite website?

Instagram.

Someone once asked me, "Do you want a graham cracker?" I said, "First off, please don't call me that..."

"... And second off, a gram of what?"

Communist president is fed up with his life and wants to die as a hero

He has a long speech at the next 1st May celebration in front of a huge crowd of people who all have to cheer and applaud every few seconds "Long live the president! Workers of the world unite!". He's getting really fed up and decides that best death for him will be to be torn to pieces by a wild cr...

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A restaurant owner tells his bartender: ok, today we're gonna serve a special cocktail.

You have to take 10 grams of vodka, dilute it in 100 liters of water and that's basically it.

Bartender: What is this, some mental institution inmates celebrate an anniversary of their institutionalization?

The restaurant owner: No, just a bunch of homeopaths having a corporate party.

A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...

The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.

"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"

And so...

What do they call a grandma who’s quick to respond?

...an InstaGram.

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

One from my Grandma.

During our last family reunion, my aunts, uncle, and my mom were sitting around, making conversation and telling jokes. My uncle asked my grandma (95 yrs old) if she had any jokes.
G’ma: “I had six of them.”
Referring to her six children. You’ve still got it, Gram.

Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven ate nine grams of bath salts and then killed all of the other numbers.

A man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss.

When the boss came, the story began.

- The client: Is room 39 empty?
- The boss: Yes, sir.
- The client: Can I book it?
- The boss: Of course you can.
- The client: Thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a 39 centim...

What do you call a colonial pharmacist?

A PILL-gram.

I live in a small town and we only have two police officers

Yet I was still unlucky enough to be pulled over.

There I was, lying face-down on the pavement in a puddle of my own puke with a bottle next to me, car door open.

'hey there, having a good night I see. could you please stand up for me sir?'

I obliged.

'right. Now I'm goi...

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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

What do you call it when you have your mom's mom on speed dial?

Insta-gram

How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

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A woman walks into the meatshop

And asks for chicken breasts. The butcher opens up the refrigerator, picks the last one up, and plops it on the weighing machine. The woman goes " It's only 400 grams, don't you have anything heavier?"

The butcher thinks for a while, takes the chicken breast back to the refrigerator, pulls th...

A Russian family gets pulled over...

A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militiaman pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. “See,” the militiaman says, “you’re drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, t...

What system does Satan use to weigh packages?

Penta-grams

The teenage granddaughter

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes....

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[OC] My wife likes things done her way and her way only

When I make her a cup of tea I have to use the same type of tea, the water needs to be exactly 86 degrees Celsius, I have to put exactly 1 and a half grams of sugar in before the teabag goes in, stir it six times to the left and once to the right and then add 4 teaspoons of skimmed milk.

If I...

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The Art of Singing

One day little Oscar went to visit his grandparents in their new home.

Soon Oscar needed to use the bathroom, so he told his grandma:
"Granny, I really need to piss!"

His gram told him: "Oscar, that's a really naughty expression! Why don't you use a nicer word... like *singing*?"...

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Hmmm Metric or Imperial?

"In metric, one milliliter of water occupies one cubic centimeter, weighs one gram, and requires one calorie of energy to heat up by one degree centigrade—which is 1 percent of the difference between its freezing point and its boiling point. An amount of hydrogen weighing the same amount has exactly...

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Sent grandma the wrong picture.

Had to send two pics but only had one Polaroid left so took a full body nude of myself and cut it in half.
Sent the bottom to my girlfriend and the top to my grams.
In a few days the girlfriend calls and says thanks for the pic but wheres the bottom part.
Shit sent the bottom to my grandma....

Why do Trump supporters enjoy polish people at his rally...

so that they can say that their ahead in the Poles.

Polish gram-pa said it.

What did the stoner ask the ocean?

How much for a gram of seaweed?

What happens when you put your grandma on speedial?

You get Insta-Gram

Have you heard of Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohans new sitcom?

It's called "two and a half grams"

As a European, I was always troubled by 2 Girls 1 Cup.

Just how much is that in grams?

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