UPJOKE

### I named my son Gram

It's short for Grammar because he was supposed to be a period.

### Why didn’t USA switch from pounds to grams?

Because of mass outrage.

I was like 0mg

A mole

### The world's most expensive object by weight : at 8 million dollars per gram, it's a stamp

UPDATE : weighing 25 grams and costing a staggering 22 Bugatti cars, the new winner is Andrew Tate's pizza box.

### I saw a magician who could make anything weigh exactly 28.3 grams.

His stage name is "The Wizard of Oz."

### How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?

They know what grams are.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....

I should mind my own bismuth.

### I just took three grams

Looks like Myrtle, Edna, and Phyllis won't be making it to Thanksgiving this year.

### What's a sure-fire method to figure out precisely how many grams a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

### How many grams of material are needed to summon satan?

5, all you need is a pentagram

### A teacher in a class asks, "How much is a gram?"

Answer from the back comes "Depends on what you want"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### I used to do drugs until some asshole dealer ripped me off with a gram of washing powder.

I've been clean ever since.

### What do you call a mockingbird that weighs 2,000 grams?

2 kilo mockingbird

Mass

### Just got and took 4 grams of shrooms for half the normal price.

I am literally beside myself

### What's the difference between a gram of cocaine and a four year old?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a gram of cocaine fall out a window.

### Q. What's the downside to having 1000 grams?

A. The pinches on the cheeks get old real fast.

Methmatics

### Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.

**Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.**

Following day the kids came back and one by one go through their stories.

There were all the regular things - never too old to learn, never give up, no crying over spilled mi...

### An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

### Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven ate nine grams of bath salts and then killed all of the other numbers.

### The story of Strongman Dria

In Iraq there was a man named Dria who lived in a small village. Dria was special, because he was as strong as 10 men combined. However, as a way to level the playing field, Dria wasn't very smart. He's like a little kid who doesn't realize his own power. One day Dria's grandmother becomes very ill,...

### There’s a new “Door Dash” type service for cocaine.

It’s called “Insta Gram.”

### I sell my weed fast

Call it insta gram

A Ma'am A' Gram

### Little John wonders...

Little John, 8 years old, looks down his pants and asks his dad: 'Dad, how much does my soldier weigh?'. His dad, a medical docter replies: 'about 150 grams I think.'

A bit later, John asks his dad: 'Dad, how much does your soldier weigh?'. He replies: 'hmm, must be 350 grams I think.'
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

### Today in my chemistry lab, the teacher asked a kid to add 4 grams of baking soda to an ounce of vinegar. The moron instead added 4 ounces of baking soda to a pound of vinegar.

It was mass confusion.

### Michael Caine was making a movie in the Philippines …

… and he was invited to a posh party in an expensive house in Manila. While he was being introduced to the other guests in the party and getting a drink, he noticed that the hostess was looking at him rather nastily. He was perplexed as he had never met her before and was a guest at her house.
...

An instagram.

### My dad's mother told me that she felt really empty inside.

She said she was a hollow gram.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### I wish Frasier would have a show about a copy editor in 1942 Germany that's blind, bilingual, narcoleptic, and obsessed with weights and measures.

He'd be a Grammar Grammer gram-er Nazi not-see nod si.

### Knew a drug dealer who was a Satanist

He used to sell me penta grams.

...an InstaGram.

A gram cracker.

### A asked the waitress for a pepsi. She told me she had Coke.

I said That's cool, I'll have a gram and a Pepsi.

### How does a whale buy their drugs?

By the krill-o-gram

### An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

### Give a man a fish and he will be fed for a day,

Give a man a gram of uranium and he will be fed for the rest of his life.

### How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

### A police officer finds some drugs...

Officer: Sir, we got 100g of cocaine.

Senior: How many grams did you say?

Officer: 50g of cocaine.

Senior: Wait, didn't you just say 100 grams?

Officer: I meant 15g of cocaine.

Senior: So is it 100 or 50 or 15g of cocaine?

Officer: What cocaine?

### I put my grandma on speed dial the other day.

I call it insta-gram.

### And the grammy goes to...

Snoop Dogg for best gram

### Someone once asked me, "Do you want a graham cracker?" I said, "First off, please don't call me that..."

"... And second off, a gram of what?"

### The last joke I heard from my grandfather before he passed away. Paraphrased because it was so long ago. Still my favorite joke.

You know, I wasn't always the strong Christian man I am today. I was a little wild before I met your gram, but we all have club stories, right? Some better than others, but they're all an important part of our history. Anyway, one night I went out to a club. It was a weeknight, so it wasn't like it ...

### If I had a pound for every time I got confused by measurements.

I’d have 454 grams by now.

### What system does Satan use to weigh packages?

Penta-grams

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A man was stopped by the police for speeding...

A man was stopped by the police for speeding. He told the police, I have a dead body in the trunk. The policeman then proceeds to prepare to take him to the police station when he says, I also have a gram of cocaine in the glove compartment, a bloody knife from a murder under the carpet, and the car...

### One from my Grandma.

During our last family reunion, my aunts, uncle, and my mom were sitting around, making conversation and telling jokes. My uncle asked my grandma (95 yrs old) if she had any jokes.
G’ma: “I had six of them.”
Referring to her six children. You’ve still got it, Gram.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### [OC] My wife likes things done her way and her way only

When I make her a cup of tea I have to use the same type of tea, the water needs to be exactly 86 degrees Celsius, I have to put exactly 1 and a half grams of sugar in before the teabag goes in, stir it six times to the left and once to the right and then add 4 teaspoons of skimmed milk.

If I...

### Why do Trump supporters enjoy polish people at his rally...

so that they can say that their ahead in the Poles.

Polish gram-pa said it.

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager said, 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goe...

### Have you heard of Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohans new sitcom?

It's called "two and a half grams"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A restaurant owner tells his bartender: ok, today we're gonna serve a special cocktail.

You have to take 10 grams of vodka, dilute it in 100 liters of water and that's basically it.

Bartender: What is this, some mental institution inmates celebrate an anniversary of their institutionalization?

The restaurant owner: No, just a bunch of homeopaths having a corporate party.

### A Russian family gets pulled over...

A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militiaman pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. “See,” the militiaman says, “you’re drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, t...

### As a European, I was always troubled by 2 Girls 1 Cup.

Just how much is that in grams?

### I live in a small town and we only have two police officers

Yet I was still unlucky enough to be pulled over.

There I was, lying face-down on the pavement in a puddle of my own puke with a bottle next to me, car door open.

'hey there, having a good night I see. could you please stand up for me sir?'

I obliged.

'right. Now I'm goi...

### Communist president is fed up with his life and wants to die as a hero

He has a long speech at the next 1st May celebration in front of a huge crowd of people who all have to cheer and applaud every few seconds "Long live the president! Workers of the world unite!". He's getting really fed up and decides that best death for him will be to be torn to pieces by a wild cr...

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### The Art of Singing

One day little Oscar went to visit his grandparents in their new home.

Soon Oscar needed to use the bathroom, so he told his grandma:
"Granny, I really need to piss!"

His gram told him: "Oscar, that's a really naughty expression! Why don't you use a nicer word... like *singing*?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Hmmm Metric or Imperial?

"In metric, one milliliter of water occupies one cubic centimeter, weighs one gram, and requires one calorie of energy to heat up by one degree centigrade—which is 1 percent of the difference between its freezing point and its boiling point. An amount of hydrogen weighing the same amount has exactly...

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### Sent grandma the wrong picture.

Had to send two pics but only had one Polaroid left so took a full body nude of myself and cut it in half.
Sent the bottom to my girlfriend and the top to my grams.
In a few days the girlfriend calls and says thanks for the pic but wheres the bottom part.
Shit sent the bottom to my grandma....

### A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...

The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.

"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"

And so...

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### 4 men walk into a pub

They all sit down at the bar and get settled. The first guy to the left leans over to the bartender and asks, “Excuse me, ma’am, can I get a can of olives?”

The bartender hesitates with a confused look, and responds, “I’m sorry, but we actually don't have any olives, or any food items, on the...