Why didn’t USA switch from pounds to grams?

Because of mass outrage.

I just took three grams

Looks like Myrtle, Edna, and Phyllis won't be making it to Thanksgiving this year.

Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like 0mg!

Just got and took 4 grams of shrooms for half the normal price.

I am literally beside myself

How many grams of material are needed to summon satan?

5, all you need is a pentagram

imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

there would be mass confusion.

How does a whale buy their drugs?

By the krill-o-gram

Today in my chemistry lab, the teacher asked a kid to add 4 grams of baking soda to an ounce of vinegar. The moron instead added 4 ounces of baking soda to a pound of vinegar.

It was mass confusion.

What to use if you want to count the amount of meth grams in your body?

Methmatics

What’s the difference between a gram and a kilogram?

About 5-10 years.

What's the difference between a gram of cocaine and a four year old?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a gram of cocaine fall out a window.

Teacher: How much is a gram?

Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need

What do you call a mockingbird that weighs 2,000 grams?

2 kilo mockingbird

A lady walks into a restaurant

When she sits down she ask the waiter,

“Excuse me, what is the food of the day?”

“Well ma’am we are serving a 250 gram Angus eye fillet steak.”

“Well I’ll get that medium rare.”

The waiter walks away and comes back 10 minutes later with the steak. He places it down and sh...

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

I named my son Gram

It's short for Grammar because he was supposed to be a period.

What do you call a metric cookie?

A gram cracker.

I sell my weed fast

Call it insta gram

Q. What's the downside to having 1000 grams?

A. The pinches on the cheeks get old real fast.

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4 men walk into a pub

They all sit down at the bar and get settled. The first guy to the left leans over to the bartender and asks, “Excuse me, ma’am, can I get a can of olives?”

The bartender hesitates with a confused look, and responds, “I’m sorry, but we actually don't have any olives, or any food items, on the...

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A man was stopped by the police for speeding...

A man was stopped by the police for speeding. He told the police, I have a dead body in the trunk. The policeman then proceeds to prepare to take him to the police station when he says, I also have a gram of cocaine in the glove compartment, a bloody knife from a murder under the carpet, and the car...

Judy came home from shopping and met her 19 year old granddaughter Tae walking out of the shared apartment.

Tae was wearing a sleek black top through which her nipples were easily seen against the threads. In shock, Judy said "Granddaughter! I cannot allow you to go out of this house in such apparel! Your goods are showing way too much!"

To which Tae replied, "Loosen up, Grams. This isn't the 70s, ...

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager said, 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goe...

I put my grandma on speed dial the other day.

I call it insta-gram.

I remember when I worked at the United Nations

And one day one of the secretaries asked me to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

Of course, I called him immediately.

"Kofi" I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'"

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

A police officer finds some drugs...

Officer: Sir, we got 100g of cocaine.

Senior: How many grams did you say?

Officer: 50g of cocaine.

Senior: Wait, didn't you just say 100 grams?

Officer: I meant 15g of cocaine.

Senior: So is it 100 or 50 or 15g of cocaine?

Officer: What cocaine?

What app do you get, when you download instagram a thousand times?

Instakilo

Communist president is fed up with his life and wants to die as a hero

He has a long speech at the next 1st May celebration in front of a huge crowd of people who all have to cheer and applaud every few seconds "Long live the president! Workers of the world unite!". He's getting really fed up and decides that best death for him will be to be torn to pieces by a wild cr...

What do they call a grandma who’s quick to respond?

...an InstaGram.

Someone once asked me, "Do you want a graham cracker?" I said, "First off, please don't call me that..."

"... And second off, a gram of what?"

The story of Strongman Dria

In Iraq there was a man named Dria who lived in a small village. Dria was special, because he was as strong as 10 men combined. However, as a way to level the playing field, Dria wasn't very smart. He's like a little kid who doesn't realize his own power. One day Dria's grandmother becomes very ill,...

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven ate nine grams of bath salts and then killed all of the other numbers.

Golf is weird

There is a small ball, weighing 2 grams, and a giant Ball weighing 6,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 kilograms. But even tho, newbies try and move the Big one first.

A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...

The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.

"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"

And so...

If I had a pound for every time I got confused by measurements.

I’d have 454 grams by now.

What do you call a female weed dealer that sells to breast cancer patients?

A Ma'am A' Gram

What is a heroin addict's favorite website?

Instagram.

I live in a small town and we only have two police officers

Yet I was still unlucky enough to be pulled over.

There I was, lying face-down on the pavement in a puddle of my own puke with a bottle next to me, car door open.

'hey there, having a good night I see. could you please stand up for me sir?'

I obliged.

'right. Now I'm goi...

One from my Grandma.

During our last family reunion, my aunts, uncle, and my mom were sitting around, making conversation and telling jokes. My uncle asked my grandma (95 yrs old) if she had any jokes.
G’ma: “I had six of them.”
Referring to her six children. You’ve still got it, Gram.

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A restaurant owner tells his bartender: ok, today we're gonna serve a special cocktail.

You have to take 10 grams of vodka, dilute it in 100 liters of water and that's basically it.

Bartender: What is this, some mental institution inmates celebrate an anniversary of their institutionalization?

The restaurant owner: No, just a bunch of homeopaths having a corporate party.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

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I thought of the best pick-up line.

“Hey, are you the fitness gram pacer test, cause your ass is multi-staged.

A man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss.

When the boss came, the story began.

- The client: Is room 39 empty?
- The boss: Yes, sir.
- The client: Can I book it?
- The boss: Of course you can.
- The client: Thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a 39 centim...

How much does a Satanist weigh?

A pentagram.

How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

A Russian family gets pulled over...

A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militiaman pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. “See,” the militiaman says, “you’re drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, t...

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A woman walks into the meatshop

And asks for chicken breasts. The butcher opens up the refrigerator, picks the last one up, and plops it on the weighing machine. The woman goes " It's only 400 grams, don't you have anything heavier?"

The butcher thinks for a while, takes the chicken breast back to the refrigerator, pulls th...

What system does Satan use to weigh packages?

Penta-grams

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The Art of Singing

One day little Oscar went to visit his grandparents in their new home.

Soon Oscar needed to use the bathroom, so he told his grandma:
"Granny, I really need to piss!"

His gram told him: "Oscar, that's a really naughty expression! Why don't you use a nicer word... like *singing*?"...

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[OC] My wife likes things done her way and her way only

When I make her a cup of tea I have to use the same type of tea, the water needs to be exactly 86 degrees Celsius, I have to put exactly 1 and a half grams of sugar in before the teabag goes in, stir it six times to the left and once to the right and then add 4 teaspoons of skimmed milk.

If I...

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Sent grandma the wrong picture.

Had to send two pics but only had one Polaroid left so took a full body nude of myself and cut it in half.
Sent the bottom to my girlfriend and the top to my grams.
In a few days the girlfriend calls and says thanks for the pic but wheres the bottom part.
Shit sent the bottom to my grandma....

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Hmmm Metric or Imperial?

"In metric, one milliliter of water occupies one cubic centimeter, weighs one gram, and requires one calorie of energy to heat up by one degree centigrade—which is 1 percent of the difference between its freezing point and its boiling point. An amount of hydrogen weighing the same amount has exactly...

What did the stoner ask the ocean?

How much for a gram of seaweed?

They're finally cracking down on Instagram pages that promote white-supremacy...

or as I like to call them: gram-crackers.

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