Did you hear about that guy who hated coal?

Never mined

I know an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry.

He mined his own business.

Why was the man digging for coal not allowed to buy a drink?

Because he was a miner.

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When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.

Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.

Did ya hear about the coal mine that caved in this morning?

Everyone got out, it was just a miner inconvenience.

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?

Because they were not E

Why was the coal guy sent to prison?

He was found in bed with a miner.

A pyromaniac got a bag of coal for Christmas...

Was he naughty or nice?

What do you get when you drop a piano into an coal mine?

A Flat Minor

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Three old military vets are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories.

Three vets are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories…

The army ranger pipes up first, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."

Not to be out done by the rang...

A man calls 911 one day and frantically asks them to bring an ambulance

Man: "My 14 year old son was entering the mine to find coal but he stubbed his toe on the entrance! Please bring an ambulance quickly!"

911: "Sir I'm sorry but this is nothing we can do. We don't deal with such minor issues"

Drake visits a town famous for exporting coal...

He wanders around for an hour or so but leaves disappointed as he couldn't find all the minors he had heard about.

Three guys walked into a bar covered in coal dust...

The bar tender took one look at them and said, "Sorry, but we don't serve miners here."

My wife was naughty all year and Santa didnt bring her coal.

He brought a ball gag, I guess he was listening.

For everyone that's getting coal for Christmas...

Maybe we can meet up and get the grill going

What does someone with a history or violence who digs up coal, and an 11 year old who swears at you during online hames have in common?

They're both offensive minors.

A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.

He knocks on the door and the monks open it. He tells the monks about his situation, and how he can't call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in the monastery. The monks happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle ...

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

A miner rests his bones after a very long shift.

"I don't think I can keep doing this for much longer," he tells his buddy at the bar.

"You just need a little pep in your step," his friend says, handing him a prescription bottle. "Take one of these twice a day and then see how you're feeling tomorrow."

Hesitantly, but without much t...

If Donald Trump gets coal in his stocking...

Is he happy or sad about it?

Do you know how to confuse a coal miner?

Show him a row of shovels and tell him to take his pick.

I refused to walk across hot coals because I'm an environmentalist.

I didn't want to have a large carbon footprint.

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There’s a painting in a museum of 3 naked black men sitting on a bench, but the man in the middle has a pink penis.

The artist behind the painting is unknown, and no one really knows why the man in the middle has a pink penis. The curator has a story about how pink represents equality at birth, however the true reason was unknown. One day there was a couple touring the museum, and they spent quite a bit of time e...

In what city do kids get iron instead of coal for Christmas?

Santa Fe

I signed up for my company's 401k,

but I don't think I can run that far.



Credit: Norm "Old Chunk of Coal" MacDonald

If coal is so bad for the environment...

why don't we just burn it all?

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A Texan, an Oklahoman, and a Louisianan are sitting around a campfire.

The guy from Louisiana says, “I once moved two hundred head of cattle through a hurricane.”

The Oklahoman scoffs and says, “Heck, that’s nothing. I once moved three hundred head of cattle through two tornados!”

The Texan said nothing and continued to stir the coals of the fire with his...

Why doesn’t scientology have any coal workers?

because sects with miners is illegal

Did you know that the Soviet Union had absolutely zero coal mines?

Crazy fact! I heard however that there were plenty of coal ours though.

What’s the difference between a collier and a kid with hypothermia?

Ones a coal miner and the others a cold minor

More bad news for the coal industry

Hundreds of minors out of work since the arrest of Jeffery Epstein.

People shouldn't be shamed for their kinks. Me, I get really turned on when someone smells like musty sweat and coal.

But I always get called a monster when I admit to being attracted to miners.

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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

The Windmill, the Coal Plant, and Geothermal Station Formed a Band

The Windmill, the Coal Plant, and Geothermal Station Formed the Band "Earth, Wind, and Fire". Their songs start off slow but eventually build in Energy. They would have been Electric too if it wasn't for their Dam manager always holding them back. He was Resistant to change and couldn't see the Pote...

America's new tax plan raises taxes on coal miners

Which is weird. I thought American politicians were rather fond of minors.

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing....

The coal industry has been under a lot of pressure to change

In other news, the diamond industry continues to grow.

A grill master wanted to load up the grill with more BBQ, but he was running low on hot coals ...

So, he decided not to brisket.

Santa probably regrets giving coal

Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

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Coal is like anal sex...

The ones calling it clean aren't taking it up the ass.

Why does santa give bad gifts to naughty kids?

Because he's not coal with them.

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[NSFW] The coal-miner's lust

On his payday, coal-miner Joe wanted to get laid, especially now since he was just paid. He goes to a brothel and asks for the finest broad there. The manger says to him "sorry, we don't have any women right now, but you can have sex with a chicken for free." Wanting sex so badly, Joe thinks for a m...

Two snowmen in a snowy field...

One says to the other "Wonderful winter landscape isn't it?" The other says "All I see is coal"

(For my Aussies out there) What do you call a burnt down Woolworths?

Coles/Coals!

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My cousin thinks it's illegal to have sex with someone who digs for coal.

She says it's against the law to be with a miner.

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A coal miner walks into a bar.

And the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.”
The coal miner snorts, “You mean you don’t serve ‘minors’? Never heard that one before.”
“No, I mean we don’t serve black people.”’

Coffee asked "Why do I always get coal in my stocking."

Santa: Because your on the Not Tea list.

The news report was that an elevator for the coal shaft broke down, trapping 27 workers

But it was just a miner inconvenience

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

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The Levels of Death

A man dies and arrives in Hell. He looks around. The sky is gloomy and rainy. He’s approached by an old man. The old man says, “Hello. Welcome to Hell. Let me show you around.” So the old man starts to show him around. He shows the man to a rundown shack and says, “This is where you’ll sleep.” He th...

Why did the sloths vote to keep the coal mines open?

Because when it comes to energy they're conservative.

I opened a bar in the coal town of Gillette, WY.

Unfortunately, I was shut down for serving miners.

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A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil says he can choose his punishment.

Before him are three doors, leading to the different areas of hell where punishments are handed out. In the first room, the floor is covered with smoldering embers. A few dozen people are in the room, all in terrible agony from being forced to walk around barefoot on the hot coals. "Nah, too hot"...

Only Coal Miners Will Get This

Black lung disease.

My Uncle has a coal fetish.

Its why he likes to bang miners.

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

A Cuban man dies and goes to Hell

There, the devil informs him that every country has its own hell. However, as he had dual citizenship, he could choose which Hell he wanted to be sent: American Hell or Cuban Hell.

He visits the American Hell first. At the door, he finds George Bush Senior.

“Excuse me, mr president, ...

God explain to stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell

God : You prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell ?

Stalin : i chose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal

When I was 18 I got Coal from Santa

Yup, raising Cole as a single mom was a punishment for being bad, I guess.

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A true story about my grandad

I remember we used to think my grandad was autistic or some kind of idiot savant. He left school at 14 with no qualifications, worked for 50 years as a coal miner, never read a book in his life but whenever you asked him anything, no matter how crazy or obscure he always had the answer. Then we got ...

What do you call a lump of coal and a diamond hanging out together?

Carbon Dating.

A barbarian warrior is captured by the enemy

He was taken before the leader, and told that he had one opportunity for life: he must survive four trials by ordeal.

The first was to walk barefoot across a trench filled with hot coals.

The second, to drink a full quart of the most powerful spirit.

Third, he had to enter a ca...

On the first day of Juvenal court, the judge was sitting down to start reviewing the day's cases.

"Bring out the first defendant," He said to the new bailiff. He left, and came back a moment later with young boy who was accused of shoplifting. He was covered in black soot, wore tattered overalls, and over-sized work boots and gloves.

The judged asked the boy why he came to court ...

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4 Soldiers around a Campfire.

(Not sure if this was done already but I heard this in boot camp. If I fucked it up I’m sorry.)

There are 4 soldiers sitting around a fire.

A Green Beret, A Navy Seal, a MARSOC Gunner, and a Delta Operator.

The MARSOC Gunner looks around for sec, then says “I once killed 20 men ...

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So a Army Ranger, Recon Marine, Seal, and a Delta Operator are sitting around a campfire.

So the Ranger being a Ranger starts bragging about how tough he is... “you think you guys are tough?” he says

“I’ve parachuted behind enemy lines, did a 50 mile night march and killed a dozen terrorist with my bare hands.”

The Recon Marine is like “man that ain’t shit”

“I’ve lan...

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Two Jews die in the holocaust and go to heaven.

Jew 1: *laughing* Remember when they made us stay outside and caused our toes to freeze and fall off?

Jew 2: *laughing his lungs out* oh yes! And remember how the gave us “coffee” that turned out to be coal mixed with oil?


The two laugh and laugh and God approaches


God: ...

It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.

They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.

How Scotland was created...

At the beginning of time God was discussing the creation of the world with the angel Gabriel. Leaning back in his golden throne, he told him of his plans for Scotland.

"Gabriel," said god "I am going to give Scotland towering mountains and magnificent glens resplendent with purple Heather. Re...

“Sorry about the temperature down the mine today”

“It’s coal man”

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My Father Was An Inventor

When I was a kid he would invent the most amazing things, and I was fascinated with every thing he invented. He would start a new project at the beginning of every month, and it would always be done at the end of the month, and I would always be the first to see his new invention.

One year th...

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A man got a flat tire...

A man got a flat tire. After pushing the car back home, he inspected the tire and found it severely damaged. Not wanting to throw it away, he tried to patch the holes, but there were too many of them. So he called his friend, a mechanic, to see if he could fix it.

"Wow, what a mess."

"...

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An older couple were exploring art museum...

...when they came across a painting that they didn't quite understand. It appeared to be three naked black men sitting on a bench, the one in the middle had a white penis. This made the couple ponder for a while.

What was the message? Was it a commentary on racism? Perhaps an insight into cla...

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An art student is visiting the National Gallery in Wales.

About halfway around, they spot a large painting of three black men sitting on a bench, all three buck naked. Even more strangely, the one in the middle has an entirely pink penis.

A curator sees the art student observing the painting and approaches.

“Fascinating, isn’t it?” He says. ...

Santa comes to the White House....

Santa arrives at the White House and hands Donald Trump his Christmas present. Trump excitedly tears open his gift then looks up at Santa in shock. "What?", Santa exclaims. "I thought you LOVED coal.

A tribal man

A tribal man stumbled upon a bunch of black rocks. Upon closer inspection, he realizes that these aren’t just normal rocks, but instead magic rocks. The magic rocks awoke and said to him,

“You have found the magic coals of ancient times. We will give you great power, but if we are harmed in ...

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A soviet artist is instructed to make a painting about soviet workers

He presents them a painting of what appears to be three naked African men, one of which has a white penis. He is asked by his commissioner. "What the hell is this," he is asked "They're actually coal miners who has finished working and were heading to the showers, I'll have you know!". "Okay, and wh...

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Nigel Farage, Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian dies and go to hell.

The Satan welcomes Nigel and says "We will give you a chance. You will be living in the hell from now on but, you have to choose following punishments that I will show you."
They started to walk in the hell to show him couple of punishments to pick one. First, the Satan shows a man working in th...

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3 Tough Cowboys

Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire after a long day on the plains.

The first cowboy says, "I'm the toughest man in the west, I once took three arrows in my back and rode 2 days through Indian infested badlands to get help."

The second cowboy says, "Bah, I'm the toughest man ...

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The Vagrants

Five men were brought in front of a judge on charges of vagrancy, public indecency and solicitation. They insisted, however, that they were just looking for work.


"What do you do?", the judge asked the first man.


“I’m a cork soaker.”


The judge blinked. “Pardon?”
<...

Two nuns are in front of an abandoned coalmine.

(its better in dutch but it translates)

Two nuns are walking in front of an old (abandoned) coal mine.
One nun says to the other nun: mine's smelly today.
Says the other nun: mine too.

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R/jokes

Three Veterans were gathered around a campfire during a vacation after their tours ended. They tried to regale each other with tales of valor. Each attempted to outdo the other.

The Army Ranger talked of his many kills in Afghanistan and how he once picked off a Taliban sniper at 1000 mete...

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