UPJOKE
carbonfossil fuelbituminous coalhydrogenoxygenelectricitypetroleumcharnatural gasembersulfurcharcoalcoal miningcarbon dioxideenergy

Did you hear about that guy who hated coal?

Never mined

I know an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry.

He mined his own business.

Why did the worker at the coal mine come to work immediately after he got injured ?

because it was a miner injury

Did ya hear about the coal mine that caved in this morning?

Everyone got out, it was just a miner inconvenience.

What do you get if you throw a piano down a coal pit?

A flat miner

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

Did you know that Neil Diamond used to be known as Neil Coal?

That was until the pressure got to him.

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The world fossil fuel industry was shocked by the scandalous public exposure of LITERAL underground "swingers parties". The scandal allegedly involves numerous lustful Coal Union members including prospectors, colliers, dredgers, excavators, and sappers...

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# Rule 9 - Reddit prohibits any sexual or suggestive content involving minors.

What do you call a country that is entirely made out of coal?

A carbonation!

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When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

A walkie talkie invited a lump of coal to dinner and a movie.

Radio-carbon dating

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, each telling tall tales.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. The other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy says. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a f...

A gigantic gas explosion in a coal mine in the next town killed thirty workers and hospitalised two hundred. But I refused to give to the support charity.

After all, it was only miner injuries.

If coal is so bad for the environment...

why don't we just burn it all?

Three guys walked into a bar covered in coal dust...

The bar tender took one look at them and said, "Sorry, but we don't serve miners here."

Drake visits a town famous for exporting coal...

He wanders around for an hour or so but leaves disappointed as he couldn't find all the minors he had heard about.

I used to work at a coal mine

But I left because the bars didn't allow miners

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Did y’all hear about the hoarder who harrased the workers mining coal?

He was arrested for sending pictures of his junk to miners.

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

Do you know how to confuse a coal miner?

Show him a row of shovels and tell him to take his pick.

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Cowboy rides into town....

( For cake day i suggest telling these jokes in series )

A cowboy rides into town. All the way down the main drag, he sees not a single soul.
He pulls up in front of the saloon and the only other person around is the sheriff, sitting on the porch.
He dismounts, ties up his horse, tips...

If Donald Trump gets coal in his stocking...

Is he happy or sad about it?

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One year for christmas I got a lump of coal from santa..

So, the next year I decided to poison the bastard.
Unfortunately, somehow.. he must have found out my plan.. Cause when I woke up the next day, he had killed my dad with the exact same poison I had used..
Learn from my mistake people.. Don't mess with santa

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NSFW A Welsh coal miner is met at the door by his obviously angry wife....

when he arrives still drunk from the weekend on Sunday morning.

She asked him: "Did you not get paid Friday for working all month?"

He replies (with a belch): That I did, my lovely woman!"

She glares back at him, "And how much of that month's pay do you have left?"

Barely...

where do communists get their coal from?

ours

Did you hear about the baby coal that went missing?

They sent out an ember alert.

For everyone that's getting coal for Christmas...

Maybe we can meet up and get the grill going

My wife was naughty all year and Santa didnt bring her coal.

He brought a ball gag, I guess he was listening.

I refused to walk across hot coals because I'm an environmentalist.

I didn't want to have a large carbon footprint.

Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?

Because they were not E

Why has Xi Jinping and the CCP been extra bad this year?

So they can get free coal in their stocking.

The court jester decided to play a prank

So he got a bucket of coal dust from the blacksmith and rigged it over a doorway.

Soon enough Sir Lancelot walks up in his shiniest silver armor. He'd spent the entire morning polishing it to a mirror finish. As soon as he walks through the doorway, a trip wire dumps the bucket of coal dust ...

America's new tax plan raises taxes on coal miners

Which is weird. I thought American politicians were rather fond of minors.

The Windmill, the Coal Plant, and Geothermal Station Formed a Band

The Windmill, the Coal Plant, and Geothermal Station Formed the Band "Earth, Wind, and Fire". Their songs start off slow but eventually build in Energy. They would have been Electric too if it wasn't for their Dam manager always holding them back. He was Resistant to change and couldn't see the Pote...

The coal industry has been under a lot of pressure to change

In other news, the diamond industry continues to grow.

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[NSFW] The coal-miner's lust

On his payday, coal-miner Joe wanted to get laid, especially now since he was just paid. He goes to a brothel and asks for the finest broad there. The manger says to him "sorry, we don't have any women right now, but you can have sex with a chicken for free." Wanting sex so badly, Joe thinks for a m...

People shouldn't be shamed for their kinks. Me, I get really turned on when someone smells like musty sweat and coal.

But I always get called a monster when I admit to being attracted to miners.

A pyromaniac got a bag of coal for Christmas...

Was he naughty or nice?

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Coal miners

An exquisite painting entitled "Home for Lunch" was on display in a art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
Two women were st...

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Biz trip

American businessman lands in Tokyo, goes to his very fancy hotel to prepare for his meeting with the CEO of the countries largest corporation to be held at japans finest golf course the next day. As he checks in the hotels concierge asks him if he desires company for the evening stating that it’s o...

A grill master wanted to load up the grill with more BBQ, but he was running low on hot coals ...

So, he decided not to brisket.

The chief editor of the New York Times is traveling in the Amazon jungle

He travels deep into the jungle hoping to write a story about a tribe of cannibals.

After a couple of weeks he finally locates the tribe and starts spying on them from behind some trees.

He feels a tap on the shoulder and he quickly gets captured and finds himself tied up and looks dow...

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A coal miner walks into a bar.

And the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.”
The coal miner snorts, “You mean you don’t serve ‘minors’? Never heard that one before.”
“No, I mean we don’t serve black people.”’

Santa probably regrets giving coal

Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

Why doesn’t scientology have any coal workers?

because sects with miners is illegal

More bad news for the coal industry

Hundreds of minors out of work since the arrest of Jeffery Epstein.

In what city do kids get iron instead of coal for Christmas?

Santa Fe

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My cousin thinks it's illegal to have sex with someone who digs for coal.

She says it's against the law to be with a miner.

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NSFW Dylan, a Welsh farmer who'd had a few too many headed to the pub's men's room when nature called.....

While standing at the urinal trough he suddenly had a puzzled look on his face. He quickly finished his business and ran out to speak to the bartender. Leaning in close he whispered to the bartender:

"I know I'm pretty drunk, but I swear I saw a black guy with a white dick in the bathroom! Hu...

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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

I don't understand why we give bad kids coal.

Isn't coal what minors want?

Why do the scouts always get coal from Santa?

Because they're all on the knotty list

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

I opened a bar in the coal town of Gillette, WY.

Unfortunately, I was shut down for serving miners.

When I was 18 I got Coal from Santa

Yup, raising Cole as a single mom was a punishment for being bad, I guess.

Shamus Murphy was enjoying a pint at the bar, when he saw someone who looked very familiar

Aye! You look familiar, what is your name?

Me name is Angus Murphy.

You don't say? M'name is Shamus Murphy!

You don' say? Did you grow up in the town of Derry?

I did! Did you go to Saint Anthony's?

I did! Did you have an Aunt named Mildred?

I did! Did your f...

Warning: Australian joke!

What's left after your local Woolworths burned down?
Coals

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Cake day joke: toughest cowboys

First cowboy says, "I'm the toughest sumbitch in these here parts. Yesterday I grabbed me the meanest bull and threw his ass down, balls and all, with my left hand into this here dirt. Pinned him fer 25 seconds without breaking a sweat."

The second cowboy looks up from the fire. "Impressive, ...

Did you know that the Soviet Union had absolutely zero coal mines?

Crazy fact! I heard however that there were plenty of coal ours though.

My Uncle has a coal fetish.

Its why he likes to bang miners.

Only Coal Miners Will Get This

Black lung disease.

Why did the sloths vote to keep the coal mines open?

Because when it comes to energy they're conservative.

The news report was that an elevator for the coal shaft broke down, trapping 27 workers

But it was just a miner inconvenience

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A man died and was on his way to heaven

When he reached heaven, he saw Jesus standing in front of him. Jesus said: "We have a long way ahead of us. Come...let's walk."

Jesus trying to have some small talk with the man, asked him whether he has has any pet peeves. The man replied: "I don't like it when people bend over in front of m...

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Military Joke

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says,...

A fat old man looks at himself in the mirror.

His insecurity rises. He’s not the same man he once was. He’s an old chunk of coal. Why, in high school he was a major athlete- the football type. All the girls wanted him and everyone respected him. He was a hunk. As he stared into this mirror now a some odd fifty years later- the juxtaposition of ...

A steam train engineer had a new apprentice... [long]

The older man showed the young lad the coal car, the boiler, and so on.

"What should I call you, lad?" the engineer barked.

"Charles, sir," replied the apprentice timidly.

"I have been working steam trains for thirty years," the older man roared, "and I have \_never\_ addressed ...

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.

He knocks on the door and the monks open it. He tells the monks about his situation, and how he can't call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in the monastery. The monks happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle ...

The British anthropologist enjoyed rare tribesmen.

But after seeing his article published in the prestigious Journal of Anthropological Research, he kept the poor man on the coals a little longer, thinking, "Well done, old chap."

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A Texan, an Oklahoman, and a Louisianan are sitting around a campfire.

The guy from Louisiana says, “I once moved two hundred head of cattle through a hurricane.”

The Oklahoman scoffs and says, “Heck, that’s nothing. I once moved three hundred head of cattle through two tornados!”

The Texan said nothing and continued to stir the coals of the fire with his...

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

I have a now famous relative

I have a now famous relative named Neil Coal who works in music. Back in 2003 he was under pressure to release his first album.

You might know him as Niel Diamond.

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So a Army Ranger, Recon Marine, Seal, and a Delta Operator are sitting around a campfire.

So the Ranger being a Ranger starts bragging about how tough he is... “you think you guys are tough?” he says

“I’ve parachuted behind enemy lines, did a 50 mile night march and killed a dozen terrorist with my bare hands.”

The Recon Marine is like “man that ain’t shit”

“I’ve lan...

A man calls 911 one day and frantically asks them to bring an ambulance

Man: "My 14 year old son was entering the mine to find coal but he stubbed his toe on the entrance! Please bring an ambulance quickly!"

911: "Sir I'm sorry but this is nothing we can do. We don't deal with such minor issues"

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There’s a painting in a museum

There’s a painting in a museum of 3 naked black men sitting on a bench, but the man in the middle has a pink penis. The artist behind the painting is unknown, and no one really knows why the man in the middle has a pink penis. The curator has a story about how pink represents equality at birth, howe...

Did you hear what the man who withstood burning in a furnace did after he found out his wife cheated on him?

He gave her the coaled shoulder.

(For my Aussies out there) What do you call a burnt down Woolworths?

Coles/Coals!

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The strange painting

John and Michelle are out on a date at an art gallery. They're walking around, looking at art, discussing the paintings, and generally having a good time. Eventually they come across a very strange painting that they can't seem to make heads or tails of. It's a large canvas called "Home for Lunch," ...

It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.

They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.

What’s the difference between a collier and a kid with hypothermia?

Ones a coal miner and the others a cold minor

A barbarian warrior is captured by the enemy

He was taken before the leader, and told that he had one opportunity for life: he must survive four trials by ordeal.

The first was to walk barefoot across a trench filled with hot coals.

The second, to drink a full quart of the most powerful spirit.

Third, he had to enter a ca...

A cop is pulling over a car, that was way too fast.

He approaches the car on the drivers side, while the driver is cranking down the window. Next to the driver sits a passenger. A curious "fog" emerges from the vehicle.

Cop: "Do you have any idea, why I pulled you over?"

Driver: "I don't have any idea."

Cop: "Seriously? Well you...

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4 Soldiers around a Campfire.

(Not sure if this was done already but I heard this in boot camp. If I fucked it up I’m sorry.)

There are 4 soldiers sitting around a fire.

A Green Beret, A Navy Seal, a MARSOC Gunner, and a Delta Operator.

The MARSOC Gunner looks around for sec, then says “I once killed 20 men ...

A Cuban man dies and goes to Hell

There, the devil informs him that every country has its own hell. However, as he had dual citizenship, he could choose which Hell he wanted to be sent: American Hell or Cuban Hell.

He visits the American Hell first. At the door, he finds George Bush Senior.

“Excuse me, mr president, ...

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The Levels of Death

A man dies and arrives in Hell. He looks around. The sky is gloomy and rainy. He’s approached by an old man. The old man says, “Hello. Welcome to Hell. Let me show you around.” So the old man starts to show him around. He shows the man to a rundown shack and says, “This is where you’ll sleep.” He th...

A guy is stranded on a deserted island with a famous supermodel.

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Within a week the two lonely castaways are making love. Then, one day, the guy turns to the supermodel and says, “I was hoping you could do me a favor.” “Sure,” she replies. “First, put on my clothes,” he says. “Fine,” she says while getting dressed. “Great. Now draw a beard on your face ...

A miner rests his bones after a very long shift.

"I don't think I can keep doing this for much longer," he tells his buddy at the bar.

"You just need a little pep in your step," his friend says, handing him a prescription bottle. "Take one of these twice a day and then see how you're feeling tomorrow."

Hesitantly, but without much t...

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