Why is duct tape similar to The Force?

It has a dark side, a light side, and it binds the galaxy together

What"s the best thing about duct tape?

It makes them go from "NO, NO, NO!" To "Mmmmmm, Mmmmm, Mmmmm" -Super Dave Osborn

If duct taping a Matchbox Trans Am to one's ear and pretending it's a Bluetooth device is wrong, then maybe—

hang on... I've gotta take this.

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An old man was sitting on his farm porch one evening and saw a kid walk by holding a roll of duct tape.

Man: “where you going with that duct tape?”

Kid: “Duck hunting”

Man: “you don’t catch ducks with duct tape!”

Kid ignores him and and hour later comes past with a few ducks.
The next day he’s walking by with chicken wire.

Man: “ where you going with that chicken wire?...

Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.

Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...

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Some people think sperm just magically travels to the penis when in reality there's a whole duct to transport them...

It might not seem like it, but there's a vas deferens between the two.

I just made a book out of duct tape!

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it

What's the best thing about a roll of duct tape?

It turns "no no no!" into "Mmm, mmm, mmmm"

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[NSFW] [Long] A man is sitting on his front porch when he notices two guys walking down the street holding duct tape.

He calls out to the men, "Hey what are you doing with that duct tape?" They respond, "Catching ducks." The old man rolls his eyes thinking there is no way they will catch anything. Later that afternoon the two men come by again with a couple of ducks.

The next day the old man sees the two guy...

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#173: A little boy goes walking by the old man’s house carrying a roll of duct tape.

The old man hollers from his porch, “Hey, young man! Where you walking to with that duct tape?”

The boy responds, “I’m gonna catch me some ducks!”

The old man laughs and yells back, “Boy, don’t you know you can’t catch ducks with duct tape?”

The little boy just smiles, waves, an...

What common item from a hardware store can be used to fasten a duck to a fence?

Duct ta......nope, a nail gun.

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Genius Kid

An old man is sitting out on his deck one day when he sees a young boy walking down the road with a roll of duct tape under his arm.


"Where are you going?" asks the old man

"To catch some ducks" says the kid

"You can't catch ducks with duct tape" replies the old man.
...

A roll of duct tape walks into a bar. Bartender, polishing up a glass, asks politely: “What can I get you?”

The duct tape looks around, thinks for a moment and says, “I think I’ll just stick to my usual.”

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Old man sees a little boy walk by with duct tape in his hand...

An old man sitting on his porch sees a little boy walk by with duct (duck) tape in his hand. He says to the little boy "Where are you going with that duct tape?"
Little boy responds "I'm going to catch me some duck"
Old man says "no no no, that's not how it works"
Later on he sees the littl...

Duct tape;

turning "no-no-no" into "mm-mm-mm" since 1942.

One day a bunch of bullies came and duct taped me to a wall, but I had a good friend who tried and stop them.

He stuck by my side.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

Did you hear about the insect transport plane that crashed into the Duct factory?

Don't worry, it's all caught on tape

When do you use duct tape on a duck?

When he's quacked.

Tonight you will be bound and beaten until you almost loose consciousness and your tear ducts are dry

Sorry wrong sub

I just got a job cleaning air ducts and I don't like it very much, but at least I have a job.

Thanks for letting me vent.

What did the motivational speaker say to the duct?

You conduit!

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Why should you wrap your hamster in duct tape?

So it won't explode when you fuck it.

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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

“Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

“Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

“Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

“That's great!" sa...

A duck walks into a store

“Got any duct tape?”

The owner answers, “no, and get out of here, you dumb duck!”

The duck comes back in a little while later, wearing a fake mustache. “Got any duct tape?”

“NO! And get out, I won’t tell you again,” the owner shouts.

A while later, the duck comes back wit...

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An old farmer is sitting on his front porch ...

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch early one morning when he sees the neighbor's kid walking up the dirt road. The farmer notices the boy is carrying something. "Hey boy,” the farmer says. “Whatcha got there?"

"This here is some chicken wire. I’m gonna go catch some chickens!”
...

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An old man was sitting on his porch one morning when a boy walked up the road carrying a large roll of chicken wire.

“Hey, boy! What are you doing with all that chicken wire?”

“I’m gonna catch some chickens, sir.”

“You fool, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”

The boy smiled and walked off. That evening he came back dragging the chicken wire with at least a dozen chickens rolled up...

A duck walks into a grocery store...

The duck says to the cashier, "Excuse me sir, do you have any duct tape?"

The cashier responds, "Sorry, we don't carry duct tape."

The duck leaves, comes back a little later, approaches the same cashier and asks, "Do you have any duct tape?"

The cashier replies, "Are you deaf? N...

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Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape...

Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape. He thinks and then screams out, "HEY KID!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCT TAPE?!!!".

Johnny responds back, "I'm going to go catch some ducks"

The man, puzzled says, "You c...

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Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duck tape

Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duct tape. Old timer asked the kid "hey son what are you going to do with that duct tape?" The boy said " im going to catch some ducks with it". Old timer said " you cant catch ducks with that". The boy said "watch me old man".

L...

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A very old man was sitting on his porch when he notices a small boy walking past. "Whatcha got there, sonny?" Asks the old man. "Cat wire." Replies the youngster. "Gona catch me some cats!" The old man starts laughing hysterically.

But sure enough, 3 hours later, the boy walks past the old man's place with a sack full of cats.

Two days later the old man sees the boy again.
"Whatcha carrying there, boy?" He asks.
"Duct tape. Gona catch me some ducks!" Replies the youngster.
Well the old man laughs even harde...

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An old man was sitting on his porch

when he sees a boy ride his bike down the street with rolls of Duct tape hanging from the handle bars. Curious he asks the boy " Hey Boy, what ya doing with all that Duct Tape????" To which the boy responds " I'm going to catch me some DUCKS!" The old man doesn't think anything of it but than a few ...

Silence is gold...

Silence is gold.
Duct tape is silver.

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The farmer and the neighbor boy (sorry for the mobile format)

This lonely farmer likes to sit on his porch his every mourning. One mourning, as he’s sitting there, a boy comes walking down the road carrying a giant roll of duct tape.

The farmer asks “what are you doing with so much tape?” The boy replies “this isn’t just any tape this is duck tape. I’...

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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,...

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A guy has a massive crush on a girl

A guy has a massive crush on this girl. He is so enchanted by her that every time he see's her he gets an instant boner. In order to avoid any embarassment from an obvious boner he decides to call the girl and ask her out over the phone. To his surprise she agrees almost instantly and they make plan...

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Pussy Willow

One morning, old man Speller is sitting on his front porch, when the neighbors’ young son walks by dragging a whole mess of fencing behind him.

“Hey boy! Where you goin’ with all that fencin’?”, asks the old man.

“This here mister? Well this here’s chicken wire, I’m going to catch me s...

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business...

...when a carload of gun toting, young and very loud tea partiers, shouting anti-Obama, anti-Muslim slogans, with a Gadsden flag duct taped on the trunk and a confederate flag taped to the hood, "All I need to know about Islam, I learned on 9/11" spray painted to the side, pulled up and stopped next...

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The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.

"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.

"You're a proper lad", he quipped....

How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

Duct tape a piece of bread to the ceiling.

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Boudreaux & Thibodeaux

One morning Thibodeaux was sitting on his dock enjoying the sunrise when Boudreaux pulls up in his boat filled with duct tape. Thibodeaux looks at him, and asks "what you doing with a boat full of duct tape?" Boudreaux replies "I'm going duck hunting! You wanna come?" "You can't hunt ducks with duc...

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(Long) An elderly man was sitting on his porch one day..

..when Tommy, the 9 year old neighborhood troublemaker, came walking up the street dragging some metal fencing behind him.

The man yelled "Tommy, what are you doing this time?
Tommy: This is chicken wire, I'm gonna catch me some chickens.
Man: "Tommy you fool, you can't catch chickens w...

You'd be surprised how easy it is to pick up girls

All it takes is a respectful attitude, a low key vibe, a breezy sense of humour, a nice beard, duct tape, and a baseball bat.

3 steps to fix anything

1. Try duct tape, if that doesn't work, see 2


2. Try gorilla glue, if that doesn't work, see 3


3. Try J.B. Weld, if that doesn't work, C4

My wife keeps telling everyone I’m kinda like Macgyver.

Always solving our problems with a knife and duct tape.

My HVAC guy is pretty unprepared.

I told him that before he comes over he better get his ducts in a row.

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A man is sitting on his porch, enjoying the morning...

When a young boy walks by dragging some Chicken wire.

“Hold on a minute, boy, whatcha doing with that chicken wire?”

“Gonna go catch me some chickens” says the boy.

“Well that’s not the way that works, but you go have fun.” He replies.

A few hours later he sees the boy r...

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I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy.

This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me

Vinny the Hitman's birthday

On his birthday, Vinny, a professional hitman, is getting ready to go out, when suddenly, a large group of mobsters shows up at hist front door.


"Vinny," say the mobsters, "it's your birthday. Come on, we've booked you an entire restaurant. Let's go."


"Oh my god guys," says Vin...

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Son, you ain't catchin' nothin'

One morning, as the old man is sitting on his porch, sippin' shine and smoking his pipe he sees the young boy from up the road carrying a huge roll of wire, walking down the road.

>Hey, boy! Where you goin with all that wire there?

>This ain't just wire, mister. This here's chic...

Smart neighbour

Chris is sitting on his front porch sees his neighbour walking down the street with 22 rolls of duct tape, so he asks him, "What you doing with all that duct tape?" And his neighbour replies, "I'm going to catch me some ducks". Confused, Chris tells him, "that's not how duct tape works, but okay" an...

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Sexy Neighbor

A guy is talking to his buddy one day and he tells him "man, there's this new girl that moved in next door. She's drop dead gorgeous, but I can't go talk to her because every time I see her I get a raging boner. Rock hard every time I get a glimpse of her. I can't go talk to her like that, she would...

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I can see the future....

A man walks into his local pub for a pint after work. After being served his drink, he turns to find a table to sit down and enjoy his pint.
There are two tables free, one near the entrance and another towards the back. He opts for the one near the entrance, sits down, and takes a nice refreshing...

A man walks into a bar with a small turtle in his hand.

The turtle has one black eye, two of its legs are twisted horrifically and it's shell is duct taped together.

The bartender, about to tie his German Shepard to the counter, asks the man, "Is your turtle OK?,"

"Better than that," the man responds, "This turtle is incredibly fast. In fa...

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A wise old man walks out his door one morning to sip his coffee and take in the dawn of a new day.

As he adjusts his view towards the street he sees a boy pulling a wagon with something in it in the direction of town.

He addresses the boy and asks "young man, what do you have in your wagon this morning?".

The boy replies "it's chicken wire sir."

Man "well what are you going t...

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Old man sitting on his porch

When three young men walk by carrying chicken wire. Curious, the old man asks "where are you boys going with that chicken wire?" The young men reply "we're going to catch some chickens!" The old man smiles, remembering his young and foolish years, and shakes his head. A couple hours later, the same ...

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I heard Bill Cosby made a sex tape....

Twice as strong as duct tape.

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An old man is sitting on his porch...

When a young man comes walking by with a sack full of duct tape. "What are you gonna do with all that duct tape?" The old man asks.

"I'm going to go get me some ducks."

The old man laughs, "You stupid kids these days, that's not gonna to work!" He laughs and laughs as the young man wal...

My Wife was yelling at me last night.

Thank god she was! It reminded me we ran out of duct tape.

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in adjacent rooms of a hotel.

The engineer decides to smoke before he goes to bed, carelessly throws the cigarette into the trashcan, and then goes to sleep. He wakes up about an hour later to see that the trashcan is on fire! So he rises hurriedly, takes some water from the sink, throws it on the fire, and puts it out. Relieved...

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Billy goes hunting with grandpa

Young Billy was walking down the sidewalk when he passed his Grandpa Cecil's house. Grandpa Cecil noticed that Billy was carrying something in his arms.

"Hey, Billy. What's that you have in your arm?"

"It's chicken wire. I'm going to catch some chickens with it."

Convinced that ...

The fishing trip

So four high school friends have gone fishing together every year for the last two decades. That was until this year, when Jim had to inform the group he couldn't make it.

"Look, it's the wife. She's been saying I haven't been spending enough time with her."

Of course, the others were...

Janitor in the church

The church janitor is cleaning the large overhead ducts from the inside when he notices a nun praying by herself and decides to have some fun. With the echo and a booming voice he proclaims "your prayers will answered", but the nun doesnt even flinch. He tries again "my child, your sins are forgiv...

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A common misconception on the male anatomy

While many people believe that the male ejaculatory ducts and epididymis are essentially the same structure, there's actually a *Vas Deferens* between the two!

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A farmer's sitting on his porch...

He sees an 8 year old kid walk by with some duct-tape and yells, "Hey kid! What you doin with that duct-tape?"

The kid answers, "I'm gonna go catch some ducks!"

The farmer thinks to himself, "well that's not really what duct-tape is for but let's let the kid have some fun."

A co...

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The old man and the boy

There once was an old man who sat on his porch all day and watched life go by. It was relaxing and interesting for him. One day, he saw a neighbourhood boy walk past with some chicken wire.

He shouted "Why you got all that chicken wire boy?" to which they reply was "Gonna catch me some chick...

How low is my self esteem?

Well, I'm pretty sure the fbi guy who's responsible for watching me put duct tape on his screen.

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I had to ground my 8yo son for this one [NSFW]

Son: Dad, why do you have to wrap a bunny in duct tape?

Me: I don't know son, why?

Son: So it doesn't explode when you fuck it!

Me: ಠ╭╮ಠ

Son: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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A man gets home from work...

he walks inside, takes off his coat, grabs a cold beer, and walks out to his rocking chair on the porch and takes a seat.
As he is relaxing, he notices his neighbors little boy Billy walking past his house with some duct tape. The man shouts out to the boy,
"What you got there Billy?".
<...

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Three boys with some chicken-wire...

walk down the street and pass an old man on his porch.

The old-timer asks "What are you boys doing with so much chicken-wire?"

One of the boys exclaims "We're gonna catch some chickens!"

The old man scoffs and tells them "you can't catch chickens with chicken-wire, that's not ho...

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