Why did the cannibals go to the crematorium?

To get a cup of instant soup

I recently asked a friend who operated a crematorium about how COVID had affected him

He said all the extra work left him feeling burned out

I’m going to start a new business, do it yourself crematoriums.

I will call it Build a bier workshop.

Why are crematoriums so rich?

..Because they urn alot...

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Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

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I feel like Rudy Giuliani's press conference at a landscaping company between a dildo store and a crematorium is still relevant because...

Trump's effort to overturn the election is somewhere between fucked and dead.

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I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

Why did the cannibal bring a water cooker to the crematorium?

He wanted some instant soup

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.


The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.


She left behind 14 ch...

I made a little sandcastle with my grandpa.

Now I'm banned from the crematorium.

The crematorium industry is super competitive

You gotta urn your keep

Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break?

He got fired for sleeping on the job.

Why are crematorium workers always poor?

Because they can’t urn the living!

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In 1944 during a prisoner revolt at the Nazi's most infamous concentration camp, an SS guard was burned alive by prisoners in a crematorium oven.

That is what I call the Auschwitzaroo.

I finally got promoted at the crematorium

What can I say, I urned it.

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”

I started working at the large wildlife crematorium

And now I’m urning the big bucks.

**********

Disclaimer: was told this by a friend. Who isn’t on reddit. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemb...

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Little Johnny missed a day of school.

The day he returned the teacher asked him why he was absent.

"I couldn't come in miss because my dad got burnt".

"Oh my goodness"! Said the teacher. "Is he ok"?

Johnny replied "Well they don't fuck about in the crematorium".

Did you hear there's a 50% discount at the crematorium this week?

They're having a fire sale.

I don't have much job security at the crematorium.

Everyone keeps getting fired.

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What do a crematorium and an auditorium have in common?

It's apparently frowned upon to jerk off in either.

There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator

Dad: There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator.
Son: How does that work, do you need a degree for that?
Dad: I think you need about 2000 degrees.

The sheriff's department auctioned off a bankrupt crematorium yesterday.

I was surprised there wasn't morbid, but it's a tough way to urn a living.

My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.

Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

My Grandad lived to one hundred and one...

At his hundredth birthday party, he was asked "what's the secret to such a long life?"


He replied "with every meal I take a couple of drops of nitroglycerin. I think that's what's been keeping me going all these years."


He passed away a few years ago; he left behind 2 child...

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematori...

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long.

He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in t...

A man and his wife take a trip to Jerusalem.

The wife has a heart attack and passes away.
One of the local crematoriums offers to cremate and encase his wife in a vase for $500. The alternative would be to fly her back home to be buried/cremated for $10,000s of dollars.
The man chooses to send her home.
One of the crem. Folk asked ...

Across the breakfast table, the young boy squints at his great grandfather.

"Pop," he says, "You're really old."

The old man chuckles. "I certainly am, son."

"How old are you Pop?"

"Why, I'm eighty-nine."

"Wow." the boy is impressed. "How did you get that old, Pop?"

"Well son, I'll tell you." The old man's faces grows serious, and glances...

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the bo...

Went out with a bang...

A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instruc...

I don't know why but when I adjusted my sleeping position..

Everyone at the crematorium freaked out.

What's worse than getting hot and bothered with your grandmother?

Being thrown out of the crematorium before you finish.

I have this stupid obsession to check whether the oven is on and that the doors are locked.

I really hate my job at the crematorium.

I brought some cookie dough into work today...

...so I could use the oven there to bake some cookies for all the staff, but everyone gave me dirty looks when I put them in and turned the oven on.

My boss said I was "insensitive" and "fired from the crematorium".

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My Jewish Grandmother's favorite Holocaust joke

It's Winter of 1942 and the German SS is in full extermination mode when a new train of Jews comes into the camp. Immediately the train conductor goes to the general and tells the general.

"These are the toughest Jews I have ever seen, General."

The general nods. "Then we will take no ...

This week a John Edwards of Des Moines Iowa passed away at the age of 102.

Mr. Edwards was recently asked in an interview what he attributed to his long life and he replied:

"Well every morning I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and before I eat it I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it. I believe the gunpowder keeps me young and vibrant."

Edwards leaves b...

We were happy to hear that grandpa has finally stopped smoking.

The crematorium said we could pick up his ashes tomorrow.

One of my favorites from Fallout 3:

I once visited a crematorium that gave discounts to burn victims.

Long life

A old friend of mine passed the other day, she was 107 years old, I asked her once what her secret to living so long was, she told me that when she was a child she asked her great grandfather the same question and he told her to sprinkle a teaspoon of gunpowder on top of her oatmeal every morning, ...

An old woman in Texas is celebrating her one hundredth birthday.

The local news comes to her birthday party to congratulate her on achieving such an advanced age. They find her in good health and good spirits on her special day. They ask her what her secret to longevity is. She answers immediately and confidently that her method is to eat a tablespoon of gunpowde...

Some Tim Vine jokes...

"I tell you what makes my blood boil..... Crematoriums." "People with guns who say give me your money... you gotta hand it to them." "So I went to my local department store and said I cant decide whether to buy this bed or not. He said do you want to sleep on it? I said of course I do." "I refuse...

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Tommy's absence from school

Tommy walks into his class after being off for a few days. Teacher gets on his case asking where he has been? Why did no one inform the school, is he aware what he's missed. She is put on the back foot however when Tommy responds "Sorry Miss. But my dad was in an accident the other day, and was burn...

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