When I was Young

I once caught my grandfather sprinkling gunpowder onto his grits one Sunday morning. I asked him why he would do that.

He explained, "Kid, my father did this, and his father did this. If you do this as well, every day, it'll help keep you hale and hearty well into your golden years."

I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1944 during a prisoner revolt at the Nazi's most infamous concentration camp, an SS guard was burned alive by prisoners in a crematorium oven.

That is what I call the Auschwitzaroo.

I finally got promoted at the crematorium

What can I say, I urned it.

I hate these double standards

If you burn a body at a crematorium, you are “doing a good job”, but do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence”.

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematori...

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the bo...

Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break?

He got fired for sleeping on the job.

Did you hear there's a 50% discount at the crematorium this week?

They're having a fire sale.

Why did the crematorium tech quit?

Not enough urnings.

I started working at the large wildlife crematorium

And now I’m urning the big bucks.

**********

Disclaimer: was told this by a friend. Who isn’t on reddit. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemb...

Does anyone know of any crematoriums...

that give discounts for burn victims?

The secret to long life.

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 gr...

I don't have much job security at the crematorium.

Everyone keeps getting fired.

There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator

Dad: There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator.
Son: How does that work, do you need a degree for that?
Dad: I think you need about 2000 degrees.

My Uncle works at a crematorium.For his birthday, I bought him a bottle of lotion...

Because he must be ashy...

The sheriff's department auctioned off a bankrupt crematorium yesterday.

I was surprised there wasn't morbid, but it's a tough way to urn a living.

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What do a crematorium and an auditorium have in common?

It's apparently frowned upon to jerk off in either.

A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age

So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium!

What's worse than getting hot and bothered with your grandmother?

Being thrown out of the crematorium before you finish.

I brought some cookie dough into work today...

...so I could use the oven there to bake some cookies for all the staff, but everyone gave me dirty looks when I put them in and turned the oven on.

My boss said I was "insensitive" and "fired from the crematorium".

I have this obsession to check whether the oven is off and the doors are locked.

I really hate my job at the crematorium.

Went out with a bang...

A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instruc...

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Little Johnny says "I'm sorry I'm late, teacher, my dad got burned this morning."

The teacher says, "Very badly?" and Little Johnny says "Well, they don't fuck about at the crematorium!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Jewish Grandmother's favorite Holocaust joke

It's Winter of 1942 and the German SS is in full extermination mode when a new train of Jews comes into the camp. Immediately the train conductor goes to the general and tells the general.

"These are the toughest Jews I have ever seen, General."

The general nods. "Then we will take no ...

This week a John Edwards of Des Moines Iowa passed away at the age of 102.

Mr. Edwards was recently asked in an interview what he attributed to his long life and he replied:

"Well every morning I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and before I eat it I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it. I believe the gunpowder keeps me young and vibrant."

Edwards leaves b...

We were happy to hear that grandpa has finally stopped smoking.

The crematorium said we could pick up his ashes tomorrow.

My grandfather got pretty burnt the other day

They don't muck around at the crematorium

Long life

A old friend of mine passed the other day, she was 107 years old, I asked her once what her secret to living so long was, she told me that when she was a child she asked her great grandfather the same question and he told her to sprinkle a teaspoon of gunpowder on top of her oatmeal every morning, ...

An old woman in Texas is celebrating her one hundredth birthday.

The local news comes to her birthday party to congratulate her on achieving such an advanced age. They find her in good health and good spirits on her special day. They ask her what her secret to longevity is. She answers immediately and confidently that her method is to eat a tablespoon of gunpowde...

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Little Johnny misses a day at school.

He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off.

"Sorry Miss," he replied, "Daddy got burned."

"Oh dear!" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious"

"Well Miss," he replied, "they don't fuck about at the crematorium."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tommy's absence from school

Tommy walks into his class after being off for a few days. Teacher gets on his case asking where he has been? Why did no one inform the school, is he aware what he's missed. She is put on the back foot however when Tommy responds "Sorry Miss. But my dad was in an accident the other day, and was burn...

One of my favorites from Fallout 3:

I once visited a crematorium that gave discounts to burn victims.

Some Tim Vine jokes...

"I tell you what makes my blood boil..... Crematoriums." "People with guns who say give me your money... you gotta hand it to them." "So I went to my local department store and said I cant decide whether to buy this bed or not. He said do you want to sleep on it? I said of course I do." "I refuse...

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