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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

TIL: If the Queen farts during dinner, all the other guests should pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases have no reaction.

Guest lists...

They tick me off.

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him ...

Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”

Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

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John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

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A woman arrived at a party. While looking at the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”

“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”

“No,” she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose “Carmen”. “What’s ...

A journalist went to Morocco to interview a 70-year married couple

He had heard they never had a fight, and wanted to know their secret for the happy relationship.

"Well," started the man, "on the day of our wedding, after the ceremonies were completed and all the guests left, my bride rode our donkey and I walked beside them to go back home.

"After a...

*knock knock*

Man: "I don't expect any guest"

Spanish Inquisition: "We know!"

An American woman went to a Hindu wedding in India and bought some traditional clothing to wear to it. When she got to the wedding, she saw another guest wearing the same thing she was, and was very upset.

"I can't believe I traveled halfway around the world, and someone wore the same dress as I did!", she cried.

"Saree", said the other guest.

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A guest dining in a classy restaurant drops his spoon before finishing his soup. (Nsfw)

Before he could reach down to pick it up, a server was already standing next to him holding a replacement.
"Wow! That was tremendously fast. The service here is impeccable. How did you do that?."
"Well, all of the servers here have an extra piece of cutlery on their tray at all times just...

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guests' names as they arrive."

Butler: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to do that for years!"

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousan...

What do Great Britain and bad house-guests have in common?

They take forever to leave...

The guest of honor at an awards dinner is about to give his speech when a stagehand gives him a piece of paper from his wife in the crowd.

“What does it say?” the stagehand asks.



“Oh, it just says KISS in very big letters.”



“Wow, that’s very sweet,” the stagehand replies. “She must love you and be very proud of you.”



“Not really,” the man says. “It stands for Keep It Short, Stupid.”

Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888

So when you have guests you can say the password is 12345678

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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

A guy goes to a fancy dress party and one of the guests says to him “what have you come as, and why is your wife on your back?”

He replies “I’m a tortoise and that’s Michelle”

I was invited to a potluck and invited to bring my favorite casserole...

My family, being from Minnesota, has an affinity towards a particular brand of potted meat -- so I bring a casserole with this as the main ingredient.

When I get to the potluck, I am instructed to place my casserole in the bottom right corner of the table. As other guests arrive my casserole...

I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch.

Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.

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What did the hotel keeper tell the guest who was complaining about cockroaches?

"It's not a bug, it's a feature."

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

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An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.
The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hi...

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A little boy is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

"MUM," the boy yells at the top of his voice, "I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!"

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests...

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The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....

A German host said to his English guest, who was obviously not enjoying his meal:" i am sorry you don't like our food.

But I'm afraid the wurst is yet to come."

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "Yo...

Guests are coming tonight

Husband: Guests are coming tonight. What's for dinner?

Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.

Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say ...

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When guests leave your event, it’s polite to say, “Thanks for coming”

But when I say it after sex, she just says “I didn’t”

A man walks into a bar in Los Angeles, carrying a large wooden box

A man walks into a bar in Los Angeles, carrying a large wooden box.

The bartender is quite curious and asks the man what’s inside.

“I’ll show you if you get me a beer”, the man says.

The bartender accepts the deal and gets the guest a beer. He then opens the box and takes out a ...

Bean Disaster

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he wa...

A recently widowed woman is entertaining several guests at a dinner party.

She leads them on a tour of the house, and eventually they come to her late husbands study. There’s a giant taxidermy great white shark on the wall.

“Do tell me the story of the shark,” asks a guest.

“Before my husband died, he and I were deep sea fishing off the coast of Peru. We foug...

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but unfortunately they had always had very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to hims...

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the...

A popular gorilla exhibit at a local zoo had its only resident pass away

The zoo, not having enough time and money to replace the perished primate, gave one of their employees a gorilla suit and told them to go into the exhibit and act like a gorilla. He at first disagreed, like anyone would, until they offered an enormous raise. He then of course accepted the money and...

My guests were complaining about the small amount of tea I served them...

I just told them "quali-tea over quanti-tea"

At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”

I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.”

Everyone then looked at my husband and he said, “She’s probably right.”

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A man hosts a dress-up party, where the theme is you have to come dressed as a mood...

...on the night of the party, the man is at the front door greeting his guests and asking them what mood they were dressed as.

A couple of women arrived all dressed in green saying "we're green with envy".

A trio of men turned up dressed in red saying "we're red with rage".

More...

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I was in the toilet when my friend sent me a porn video

I played it, no sound, I increased the volume to the highest still no sound, so I didn't bother.

I watched it for about 8 minutes before I remembered, my phone was connected to the Bluetooth player in the living room with my family and our guests are waiting for me.

I've been in the to...

A man is walking in a storm, alone and lost. He then comes upon a Monastery.

Having no place to go, the poor man approaches the wooden desolate door of the old Monastery and knocks upon the door. The door opens to a rather withered old Monk, who greets the man. “I am the Head Monk of this monastery. Can I help you?” The man asks for refuge overnight and is taken up into the ...

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I met my girlfriend in high school,

We were immediately best friends and spent days together having the most fun I had ever had. Then one day I asked her the question.

She said yes!

We were so happy together and we stayed together through high school. We both finished college together, we both got jobs together and event...

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House

One of the guests asks: “Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin?” – “We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: “We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist...” The guest looks a bit confused: “Why a dentist?” - Putin claps Trump on the back ...

A long time ago, there was a hermit preist who accepted guests for only one day, every ten years...

The hermit was the holiest of men and it was a great honor to be invited to his home, so the town would select their best citizen to go. The citizen could also bring a guest.

The good citizen, who was selected, knew the town Drunk. He wanted to save the man or at least teach him humility. So ...

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Old Buddy Hackett Joke

In a terrible accident a wealthy businessman had his penis torn off. Because of his immense wealth when it came time to repair the area he had the surgeon attach an elephant trunk in place of his penis. He was quite pleased with this and soon his life got back to normal.

The gentleman was at...

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Three brothers are travelling by foot on a long, deserted road.

They see a farm. There are no hotels nearby, and they really don't want to sleep in the dirt, so they go in, find the farmer, give him five hundred bucks, and ask to spend the night. The farmer has two guest rooms in his house.
"Would you like to sleep together? I only have two rooms."
The br...

What do you call a party featuring John Adams, Alexander Hamilton and co as guests?

A feds era list party.

Innkeeper: "The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed." Guest: "I'll make my own bed."

"Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

“Last Jewish Comic Standing,” was what our family named a game we came up with for our guests to play at our son’s Bar Mitzvah reception.

“Last Jewish Comic Standing,” was what our family named a game we came up with for our guests to play at our son’s Bar Mitzvah reception.

Each guest pulled a classic Jewish joke written on a piece of paper and told the joke to the crowd.

To prepare for this competition my wife, two son...

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician were supposed to give a guest lecture at a school.

When they arrive at the classroom, the professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! We ...

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.

The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during wh...

Why is Conan's guest's face blurred-out?

Oh. Never mind. It isn't. It's just Amy Schumer.

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A King hates fruits!

The king has a birthday and he asks that the guests don't bring him any fruit as gifts or he will put the fruits up their bottoms.

On his birthday, thousands of people come and everyone makes sure to bring gifts that the king would like. This one simple-minded guy brings an apple, so the King...

I heard the Pope's first choice for a guest was in fact Hillary...

But he couldn't afford her speaking fees

What were Jeffrey Epstein's last words?

"The encryption codes are hidden behind the Dali painting in the guest bathroom. Hey, I told you what you wan...."

My grandfather used to tell me this one all the time, it's cheesy but a classic to me.

A wealthy man walks into a very very expensive restaurant with his guests. The waiter comes over and asks him "what would you like?" The man says, "give me the most expensive steak on the menu."

A bit later the stake comes out. A hundred dollar steak. He tastes it. He calls the waiter over. T...

A husband, wife, and son arrive at the entrance to an English royal palace for an evening dinner...

Before each guest enters the palace, a butler formally introduces each family to the guests with an announcement. As the family approaches the butler at the entrance, the butler asks:

Butler: “And your family name, sir?”

Husband: “Bates”

The butler opens the door and with loud ...

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Hotel guest to desk clerk: "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

Desk clerk: "No, it's regular porn you sick fuck."

A dinner guest made a joke about my cats prosthetic foot.

Major faux paw.

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A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be late/not coming.

One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""

Matthew McConaughey set to guest edit Breibart news next week

Alt-Right Alt-Right Alt-Right

A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:

and says my wife wants to commit suicide by jumping out of the window.

The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.


Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.

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An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposit...

The 3 step Chinese torture

A guy comes to a Chinese house in the middle of nowhere. Being late he ask to sleep in their house. The dad accepts but says: "If you sleep with my daughter I will use the 3 step Chinese torture on you!"

The guy accepts and enters the house. The daughter is stunning beautiful. Also she flirts...

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A local man wins the lottery.

After he’s cashed in his winnings he’s overwhelmed with joy, gratitude, and serenity. He wants to give back to his community and he thinks that everyone should get in on the feels. He decides to throw a grand party at his new mansion where anyone in town can come to eat and drink for free as long as...

[Long] Last Friday, I took a guest to a fancy restaurant.

I noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"
He explained,
"The boss hired Accenture Consulting to re-engineer our processes. T...

What is one event the guest of honor is not expected to show up?

A baby shower

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

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When Solomon the Wise received the Queen of Sheba at his palace, he needed grand new thrones for him and for her.

So by the power of the Seal of Solomon he summoned *djinn* and he said to them: Craft me a pair of thrones that shall be the wonder of all the ages, exquisite in both materials and workmanship and of a value surpassing all the treasures of the earth. And the *djinn*, bound under the Seal, bowed low ...

What did the host say after her guest complimented her on her tea?

Thanks, it's my special tea.

Bartender asks a returning guest...

You come in everyday for the past 10 years paying for the same drink with 4 quarters. Why? The guest responds with, "I don't like change!"

Did you hear about the musicians who murdered a guest at the concert?

It was very cleverly orchestrated.

My girlfriend was cooking for our guests. She told me to go in and prepare the table.

So I walked in and told them all about her cooking.

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Three Chinese Tortures

One day, a man was lost walking through a dense forest. When it was getting dark he came across a secluded cabin in a clearing on top of a hill. He knocked on the door, and an ancient looking Chinese man answered the door.
“Please sir”, the man plead. “It is getting dark, and I’m lost. Could you ...

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A rich man threw a mansion party

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.

“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”

His curious (also drunk) flock followe...

A child’s observation:

If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.

Meta-meta-joke

# Joke

A joke is something funny because unpredicatable that makes people laugh, giggle or smile. This is a a joke :



>I met a shepherd, we talked about ewe.



The fact that it takes a second to realize that "we talked about ewe" sounds like the well known sente...

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One day, a man decides he wants to host a costume party.

He decides that he wants an emotion-themed party, so he sends out all his invitations, telling his guests to dress as their favorite emotions.

On the night of the party, his doorbell rings, and he opens the door to find his friend dressed in red. "I'm here for the party" says his friend. "I'm...

A husband and wife grow distressed as more and more uninvited guests swarm into their party.

The husband has a plan.

He moves to the front, manages to get everyone's attention, and calls out, "If you're from the groom's side, please stand up."

About one fourth of the guests stands up.

He calls out, "Those from the bride's side, please stand up."

Another one fourt...

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Fancy dress party fun

Jimmy has a fancy dress party... the theme being emotions.

the party is getting underway, Jimmy’s first guests arrive, a couple ...the girl is dressed as a huge heart (love) the guy is wearing a green t shirt with the letters n and v on ....(a very original green with envy )

There i...

A Hotel guest calls the front desk

and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.

You need to send someone to my room immediately.

I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that...

Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now.

Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?

Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**

A guest at a restaurant asks the waiter...

"do you have lobster tails?"
The waiter replies: "Of course! Once upon a time, there was a little lobster....."

Best January Joke I heard so far

Yesterday my friends dropped by my place without warning for a cup of tea.
The wife pulled me aside & said, "There's no sugar in the house, how can I serve tea?"
I winked at her & said, "Make tea without sugar for all, leave the rest to me."

As soon as the tea was served then i...

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A Japanese man decides to do some travelling in Africa

A few days into his journey, he came across a tribe not far from a large and dense rain-forest. The tribe leader was ecstatic that someone of Asian descent was at his tribe. They quickly exchanged names and the tribe leader offered to give a quick tour of the rain-forest nearby.

Sato was amaz...

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Southern ball in need of two male guests.

A lady of the plantation in a southern state was holding a ball in her wonderful country house. With most of the local well-to-do's attending and a great portion of her extended family (those who she did invite, of course) coming as well, she found herself with a problem.


Her two nieces w...

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The host of a costume party hears a knock on his door. He opens it to find a guest wearing only his pants. He asks what he is supposed to be, and he says premature ejaculation...

Because he came in his pants.

I love to watch my guests throw up.

So I always put the dartboard on the ceiling.

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Uncle Fritz

Jim and Joanne were finally going to tie the knot. They planned everything out, reserved the chapel and the reception hall, and wrote out their guest list. As they were finalizing the seating chart, Jim looked at Joanne and said, "Honey, I know you aren't going to like this, but we are going to have...

Baby names

A couple is visiting another couple's house for the first time. They walk into the living room and are introduced to their daughter "Peaches" who is sitting politely.

"How did you think of the name Peaches?" the visitors ask. They answer that it was the first thing she would eat after milk....

What did the host of an orgy say to his guests?

I'm glad you all came!

In 1940 Russia, a poor man with no car was late to his daughter's wedding. He hitchhiked there with an unexpected guest who drove very slowly. What did he tell his daughter?

"Sorry I'm late. My ride was Stalin."

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Having guests for dinner (somewhat vulgar)

A man and his wife had three children, one young boy and a teenage boy and girl. The family was having guests over for dinner one night. Before the guests arrive, the younger boy checks to see what everyone is doing. His mom was cutting carrots in the kitchen, and right as the boy walks in, cuts her...

A guy walks into a hotel

He asks at the front desk for his reservation .

The manager asks about his details and then gives him the key.

The guest then takes his room key and goes into the elevator.

After half an hour he comes back and angrily complains the manger that he couldn't find his room

T...

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Define: Brexit

GB is acting like the drunken guest, who tells everybody on the party to fuck off, but doesn't go home, because he can't drive anymore.

My friend invited me over to check out his new apartment. When I arrived he said "please make yourself at home".

So I threw him out. I hate guests.

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Happy Thanksgiving kiddo

So two days before Thanksgiving little Jimmy is out playing in the yard. He hears his parents arguing and they call each other “bitch” and bastard”. Little Jimmy, ever the curious little bugger goes inside to ask his parents what those words mean. His parents tell him they mean “lady” and “gentleman...

Who cares if you pee in the shower?

Turns out the bride and her other guests apparently.

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The potato joke

A man has just married and he is having trouble pleasuring his wife.

He goes to his doctor and he explains that he is having these issues.

The doctor says that he heard the plastic surgery place is experimenting with something new.

The man goes to the plastic surgery place an...

A bald man walks into a bar...

He approaches the barkeeper and tells him

"I have something in my pocket that I will show you. If you swear you've never seen anything like it before, I'll have free drinks all night"

The barkeeper, in his mid fifties, who has clearly seen a lot in his life, agrees with a nod.

T...

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A guest in a posh hotel.......

comes down to breakfast, calls over the head waiter and read from the menu, "I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them slightly under cooked so that it's runny, and one so over cooked that it's tough and hard to eat.

"I'd also like grilled bacon that has been left out so it's a bit on the cold si...

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