What does a necrophiliac mortician do at the end of a long day of work?

He cracks open a cold one

The Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit.

The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.

The motician says that the man does look v...

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An apprentice mortician is doing his first solo.

It turns out to be a 95 yo woman who died of natural causes. The head mortician thinks it should be a simple one to start, so he leaves the apprentice to his work and heads to his office.

About an hour later, the apprentice comes and asks him for help.

“What is it?” The head morticia...

What do an electrician and a mortician have in common?

They’re both shocked when they touch a live one.

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How do morticians practice driving backwards?

They rehearse.

So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office.

The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."

The mortician agrees and thanks...

What did the biology student say when the advisor asked if anyone wanted to be a mortician?

“Over my dead body!”

Some people think that being a mortician or undertaker is gross, but

Selling fruit and veg is Grocer.

I mistakenly hired a mortician for my nephew's birthday

He didn't know any tricks, but he made a great ventriloquist

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A mortician comes home from work laughing. His wife is at the sink doing dishes. She asks him, "What's so funny?"

He tells her, "The guy on the slab this afternoon! Woo! You should have seen him! He must have had a cock 14 inches long, and thick as my forearm! I've never seen such... What's wrong honey?"

"Oh my God!" she sobs. "Fred's dead!?"

If you want to pick up women, become a mortician.

I heard girls drop dead for them.

Say what you want about necrophiliac morticians,

but at least they love coming into work.

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2 morticians are standing by the coffee machine

"Man, you wont believe what I experienced today. I had a woman with a clitorus like a pickle" says one of them.

"What?!" says the other one "That big?!"

"No," says the man "That sour"

I had no idea I wasn't allowed to remove body parts from the morgue until the mortician told me.

When he said it, I was takin' a back.

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A mortician needed to identify a body, so he requested the help of the deceased's two good friends.

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician ro...

What's a mortician's favorite drink?

A morgue-arita.

Every year fewer people train to become morticians.

Some say it's a dying business.

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz", the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be save...

(Morbid) As a mortician, I try to be an honest salesman...

So a couple came in needing a casket for their dead baby. They had already browsed through our catalog as I walked up trying my best to be my most sensitive. They whispered to me through tears that they had picked out a beautiful casket for their dear beloved son. I had a conundrum to face. Afte...

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Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering the night shift.

One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse,
he noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly,
well, hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork
back, an...

What's a morticians favorite language?

...Latin.

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A mortician comes home from work laughing...

"Christ Almighty, Sarah! You should have seen the size of the cock on the poor bastard I did an autopsy on today! Damn thing must have been a foot and a half long, and as big as my wrist! Holy hell!"

Sarah breaks down sobbing at the kitchen sink. "Oh my God! Fred's dead!?"

I used to want to be a mortician,

but I decided not to when I got some grave advice it was a dying industry.

"Cut a Man in Half" Trick

I was strolling down a street, suddenly came to a stop to see a street performer getting ready to do the "cut a man in half" act. The performer starts cutting then separates the coffin. In amazement I asked," Wow that's insane how did you do that?" He said," A Mortician never reveals his secrets."

Why’d the mortician get fired?

For sleeping around the office

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What is the difference between a politician and a mortician?

A Mortician waits until after you're dead to fuck you.

I work as a mortician, and recently had a case of an unidentified murder victim who was killed in a bakery

I had to mark him down as a Jon dough.in the file.

A mortician and a recent widow are in the morgue, her dead husband in a casket wearing a grey suit...

The widow says "Harold always liked a blue suit, like that man over there in the casket is wearing". The mortician says, "No problem M'am, I'll take care of it if you step out for a few minutes". Five minutes later, the mortician calls her back in and sure enough, her husband is wearing the blue s...

My crush came to my work today and I fingered her

Sometimes being a mortician is awesome.

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Looks like Lars

A mortician called Sven and told him he had some bad news.

“I’m afraid your friend Lars has died, but we need someone to confirm the body.”

“Sure thing, I’ll bring Ollie, we were with him yesterday.”

So Sven and Ollie go to the Mortuary, and the mortician informs them that they ...

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There were two morticians that had a bitter family feud

for many years. On his death bed, one mortician told his son he wished to finally put an end to the quarrel, and requested to be cremated by his rival. His son nodded, but noticed his father was in pain, and asked if he needed a nurse. The man said, "No, I'm fine, it's just a bit uncomfortable with ...

So a family practitioner, a gynecologist, a surgeon, and a mortician go duck hunting....

NOTE BEFORE YOU READ: This joke is most often told amongst doctors, and you need to know a little bit about medical sub-specialties to get it.

A family practitioner, a gynecologist, a surgeon, and a mortician go hunting.

After a while in the woods, they spot a bird flying overhead. Th...

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Two morticians meet in a bar...

...and talk about their jobs.
The first mortician says to the other:
"Today I got a woman who had a clitoris like a pickled cucumber".
the other one asks: "What, so big?"
"No," says the first, "so salty!"

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A rookie mortician starts his first job after graduating.

The senior mortician walks him to the morgue and shows him the three bodies they'll be working on that day. All the faces are frozen into smiles and the rookie mortician is curious.

Pointing to the first body, he asks, "Why is this guy smiling?"

"Oh," the senior mortician says. "He had...

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A young morticians apprentice crashes through the door of his mentors office and says excitedly: "Hey Monty! You gotta check out this lady that just came in."

Monty slowly gets up from his chair.
"You know Mike, there isn't much I haven't seen. A lot of bodies have come through these doors."
"Yeah, but have you ever seen a chick with a shrimp in her pussy?"
Monty is intrigued. He follows Mike out to the stainless steel table and looks at th...

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A mortician is working late...

when his assistant comes out of the back and says "you won't believe this! This dead woman has a shrimp in her pussy!"

The mortician says, "no way, that's ridiculous."

They both go back to where the bodies are kept and the assistant points and says, "look, right there. That's a shrimp ...

What's a mortician's least favorite day on the job?

Bring Your Kid to Work Day

A joke

A priest, a rabbi and an imam enter a bar, order a drink and finds a place to sit.
Then a construction worker, a native american and a police officer comes in and do the same thing.
And then a dane, a swede and a norwegian enters too.
Then a blind guy, a deaf guy and a mute guy.
And the...

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Two Morticians

One mortician calls the other in to look at newly arrived
body.

"Hey, Joe! You've got to see this.", says Chester.

"You know that good looking blonde they just brought
in.well she has a shrimp stuck up in her pussy"


"This I've got to see." responds Joe.


Af...

Why did the mortician cross the road?

To get to the other suicide

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I was fired from my job as a mortician after I was caught having sex on the job

I guess it was the final nail in the coffin.

I once dated a mortician...

it didn't work out because I'm not that much of a mourning person.


Though she was a real head-turner.

It's gotta be nice being a mortician...

People are always dying to meet you.

How to creep out a mortician

How to creep out a mortician.

1. Go in to pre-plan your funeral.

2. Tell him, "I want my remains scattered over the sunflower fields of Fayetteville."

3. He says, "We can do that. The cost for cremation is..."

4. Say, "Cremation? Who said anything about cremation?"
...

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A mortician meets up with his friends at the bar after his shift.

Mortician: Today I saw the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, he said. She came in without a mark on her body, she had the most amazing pair breasts, she had a perfect fit body and her clitoris, her clitoris was like a pickle!

That big!? One of the friends burst out.

Mortician: No,...

Three new corpses are delivered to the morge one day, each with a smile on their face.

The mortician examines each of them and says who they are and their cause of death.

"First body- Frenchman, aged 60, died making love to his mistress, hence the smile on his face.

Second body- Irishman, aged 30, won a thousand euros in the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, and died of ...

A father passes away and his son is arranging the funeral.

He talks to the mortician about his father’s remains.

The son says, “I know we don’t have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can.”

A week after the funeral, the mortician presents the son with a bill for fifty dollars. Thinking it to be very reasonable, t...

Did you hear about the narcoleptic, necrophiliac mortician?

He fell asleep in the job.

A rich old man died

His widow arrived at the funeral home to meet with the mortician. “Fortunately he was dressed in this fine black suit when he passed, perfect for his burial “ he said. “Yes” replied the widow “he does look good, but I’ve alway thought he looked best in blue”. From her purse she pulled a blank check ...

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A man suddenly dies and is cremated...

The mortician not knowing what to do with the ashes contacts the man's last 3 lovers. All 3 were also men.

Upon arrival, the mortician take the 3 men into his office and asked, "please tell me what you would do with this man's ashes if I hand them over to you?"

The first man's says, "...

Schwartz dies and they bring his body to the funeral home...

The mortician undresses the body, only to discover Schwartz had the biggest pecker he’d ever seen in his life. He can’t wait to tell his wife- but would she ever believe him? In a flash he cuts it off and places it in a gallon size jar with some embalming fluid.
He gets home, calls for his wife ...

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I had sex with my 10th grade English teacher.

So what if it took 36 years and required me to become a mortician.

An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral.

"You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back ‘"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

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My brother works at a funeral home. He told me this joke.

One day a mortician is working on a recently deceased woman's body. He applies makeup to make her more life-like and retrieves a nice dress for her to wear for her upcoming funeral. He slides the dress over her but stops short when he notices a big shrimp is stuck in her private parts. He calls the ...

What’s the hardest working profession?

Morticians - after they die, they go back to work one last time!

An American & his wife are visiting Israel...

The long married couple have been travelling & seeing the sights for a few months.
One day, the man's wife suddenly dies.



At the morgue she is pronounced dead. The mortician says We can bury her here in Israel for $250 or cremate her for $1000.


The husband ponder...

A woman brings her dead husband to the funeral home

The mortician comes out and says; "Madam, we have prepared everything for your husband's funeral tomorrow. We just wanted your comment on how he should look since mentioned wanting an open casket?"

The wife looks at her husband and bursts in tears; "I'm sorry, but I see you've dressed him in ...

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Jerry and Terry need to identify Pat's body in the morgue...

Pat unfortunately died in an apartment fire. His body was burnt so bad that the mortician had difficulty confirming that this body was Pat's. To solve this problem the mortician called in Jerry, one of two of Pat's close friends, to identify the body.

Jerry walks in. "Damn, he's burnt to a...

A widow at a funeral

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortic...

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„I would rather have 100 nazis as costumers than one foreigner.“

-James, 52, mortician

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During the job interview

"So, it says here you've been fired for having sex at your workplace...TWICE."

"Well, I guess I was neither suited to be a mortician nor a vet."

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A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat

The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!"

The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!"

Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during ...

Who do you go to to get your hair and makeup done during this pandemic?

A mortician



Do you want an appointment? Keep going outside !

Beethoven has died...

Local townsmen state that they can here faint music from under his grave.
Intrigued, the local Mortician visits the site to investigate
And yes, faint music rises from the grave! The Mortician retrieves the Priest.
Together they listen, and slowly begin the realize the music playing is Bee...

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Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

What Comes After Death?

The Mortician if you're unlucky.

Everyone gets really creeped out when I tell them I talk to my patients

I'm a mortician.

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My midlife crisis started today...

I met the greatest girl at work, and she was into me, too. When we got off of work I took her to the park, we got carryout and went back to my place, and we were having a blast watching Netflix together.

When it finally came time for her to go she just lay there on my bed, obviously wanting...

I tried a deadlift for the first time last week...

The mortician sternly asked me to leave the morgue.

A man was planning a funeral for his deceased father.

“I want only the best for him.” He told the mortician
A month after the funeral, the man got a bill for $70. He paid it. The next month he got another bill for $70. He paid it. The is kept going on until the 5th month. He called the mortician and asked about the bill.
The mortician said, “Wel...

So I was feeling a little stiff the other day...

until the mortician told me to get away from the little person cadaver.

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Ed gets in a car accident...

Ed gets in a car accident, and dies in a fiery explosion. His body is horribly burned, and no identification can be found. The mortician needs help positively identifying his body, so he he calls Ed's two best friends.

The first friend comes into the morgue, looks at the body, and says "Wow, ...

Richard ‘Old Man’ Harrison just passed away

Mortician: it’s going to cost you $10,000 to put him in a casket.

Rick: best I can do is $100 cause it’s just going to sit there and collect dust.

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mortuary surprise

Morticians John and Steve are working late at the funeral home, preparing a few corpses for their upcoming services John runs upstairs and tells Steve " the woman I am working on has a shrimp sticking out of her pussy!" When Steve doesn't believe him John tells him "come see then" They get back ...

Someone told me a joke, but I can't remember the punchline.

A mortician friend told me a joke about a situation he encountered several years back, but I can't remember the punchline to save my life.

It was about this couple who got in an auto accident on their anniversary. The wife survived but the husband unfortunately died on impact.

The wif...

It sucks when people make one mistake and get fired.

A very sad day today. After SEVEN years of training in the medical field and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice gu...

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Bubba died in a horrific accident and they were unable to reach his family to identify the body.

So they brought in his two best friends Leroy and Jimmy, as the three of them went everywhere together. When they walked into the morgue they were unable to tell for certain, as his face had been badly mangled. Leroy asks the mortician to roll him over so he can check to be sure. As soon as he ro...

What do you call a bricklayer at a funeral home?

A mortician.

The farmer's wife went into a coma...

... at home, and he summoned the doctor.

"She's gone," said the doc after examining the woman. "I'm very sorry. I'll call the funeral home for you."

The morticians carried the body down the porch steps and started to round the corner of the house into the driveway when the lead bearer ...

My co-worker always tells me: "I see dead people"

And I always tell him: "Shut up, Steven, we're morticians."

So a man was on vacation in the holy land

A man and his wife where off on a lovely vacation in the holy land touring biblical sites when a few days before they where supposed to leave his wife dropped dead of a heart attack. So the man was approached by the mortician who told him he could fly her back to the states for a few thousand dollar...

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A friend of mine was recently accused of having sex with one of his clients...

As a result, he has been publicly humiliated, and is probably going to be indicted any day. On top of that, a wonderful marriage, not to mention years of schooling and training, wasted for a moment of weakness. It's such a shame, for he was truly a nice guy, and an absolutely gifted mortician.

Joke my grandfather told me

There was this elderly couple, and the wife had always wanted to visit Israel. Eventually the husband got tired of her nagging him about it and decided to take the trip.

During the trip, however, she dies.

A kind Israeli funeral home owner offers to bury the man's wife for 150$. The...

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