Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?
His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good sha...

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Dude, I attended the fertilizer convention the other day...

...yeah, it was a real shitshow.

Yesterday I attended a cannibal dinner where the food was cooked only on one side.

It was quite a half-assed BBQ.

I recently attended a catch and release fishing party...

...the music was ok, but the food was off the hook.

I recently attended a Broadway show about Puns...

...it was a play on words.

Passenger asked a flight attended “How often do planes crash?”

Flight attended “Just once.”

I attended Amy Schumer's party, but there was no talk about her.

Apparently, nobody wanted to mention the elephant in the room.

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I once attended a 50s music themed table tennis festival in a far east country, hosted by an Asian dictator where all the participants were dressed as famous movie gorillas...

It was Kim Jongs Honk Kong Honky Tonk King Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong

I'll see myself out.

Last week I attended an event where I got to see a lot of people from highschool that I haven't seen and talked to in a long time.

Anyway, it was a nice graduation.

I used a MeetUp app and attended a BDSM meetup...

but left the meetup a little blue :(

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

I once attended a sermon at a church in Finland.

The congregation must have been huge Mortal Kombat fans because they were singing a Finnish hymn.

I’m so proud of my grandma. At 90 years old she attended medical school

She’s a cadaver.

I attended the funeral today of the man I hit with my car...

I can’t believe I said “I’ll miss him” to his survivors.

An old woman passed away. Her 25 children attended the funeral.

The priest spoke of her extraordinary life.

“She married John and they had had 13 children before he passed. Then she remarried. She and her beloved Richard had 7 children. But he sadly died as well. But she married again and had 5 children with Michael. Now she is at rest. Thank you, Lord f...

Since y'all liked the monk joke, I modified a joke told by my high school math teacher.

Once there was a king and he attended that monk's temple. One day the monk was late. The king asked him why he was late. And he replied that he had to help his wife with an errand.

"You are so revered monk and yet, you fear your wife!", the king exclaimed.
" Well, everyone fears his wife",...

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Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau attended the Assembly of First Nations annual summer meeting in Whitehorse.

Trudeau said he wasn't there to speak to the chiefs but to listen.


Then he spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing the Liberal Party back into the hearts of the Canadian people and how he was going to legalize marijuana and the many ways that he was going to help the Firs...

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

So I attended a salsa class today

The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips

Grandma Letter

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.



She writes:



Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just com...

I attended my first cannibal wedding the other day

Favorite part was when the best man roasted the groom. It was savage.

I came to the realization that my 5 year old was watching too much reality TV when we attended a wedding

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle to the altar, he asked, "Is this where the groom picks the one he wants to marry?"

A recent wedding I attended was very emotional...

Even the cake was in tiers.

I attended many weddings in the past within my extended family.

At the reception, the old folks always came to me telling: "You're next! You're next!"

This suddenly stopped after I started doing the same at funeral services.

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old. Well.... You'll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice Smith, And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.

I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago. ...

I recently attended a really wild Pagan Religions Festival

People got really into it! They were worshiping anyone that wasn't nailed down

I recently attended a funeral where the casket was driven to the cemetery on a practice run before the ceremony and procession.

It was a rehearsal.

Ghosts.

I don't know when it comes to ghosts and the afterlife, I like to think I'm open minded, maybe there something in it, maybe there isn't.

Actually I recently attended a seance. The psychic who ran it told us she was delighted with the way her business was going. Absolutely booked up solid. ...

An Old man attended a Faith Healing session

The preacher said "Stand up and walk"
Then the old man proceeded to stand up from his wheelchair and slowly walked. The shocked crowd yelled in praise.
The preacher asked him: "How are you feeling now?"
The old man replied: "I still can't see"

Silly Russian joke

Flight attendant is making an announcement:
*-Is there an anesthesiologist on board?*
Some bloke says:
*-I am anesthesiologist!*
The flight attended tells him to come to seat 12A. He comes to the seat 12A and there is another bloke pouring vodka into plastic cups. He says:
*...

In 1982 Elton John attended one of Queen's concerts, but was shortly hospitalized afterwards.

Turns out they found traces of Mercury in him.

At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said " all the married men please stand next to the person who made your life worth living"

The bartender was damn near crushed to death!

Answer this quiz and you won't regret it!

Q: There are 500 hundred bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A: 499

Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant into the refrigerator?

A: Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge.

Q: What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in the refrigerato...

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A beautiful prostitute attended a high profile function..

When it was time for introductions you could hear, I am Dr this and that, professor this or that, Barristers, engineers this and that.
When it was the turn of the prostitute, she calmly said she is a Civil Engineer.
Another curious engineer in the room got interested and asked her for area o...

Did you hear about the klan meeting Matthew Mcconaughey attended?

It was all white, all white, all white!

When I was 14, I attended a party in Hollywood.

I swear, someone must have slipped something into my drink because after awhile I was definitely feeling spacey.

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A ghost inspector attended our house. My wife and I were sceptical.

We wandered through the dark when suddenly he told us all to stop and stand still. "Is everyone still there?" he asked.

My wife said, "Yes."

I said, "Yes."

Then there was a pause. "Are you there?" I asked the ghost inspector.

No reply.

"Oh my god," I said. "Quick, ...

I attended a sign language session.

I was speechless.

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