This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I attended a premature ejaculators support group today.

Turns out it's tomorrow.

Fans of celine dion attended a viewing of a calm plate of mustard

They misheard the words *serene dijon*

Trump actually attended Biden's inauguration

He was the crying baby you heard right before Biden took his oath

What do you call a poorly attended party for crows?

attempted murder

Last night I attended the Philharmonic.

On stage, the orchestra had a massive, massive organ.

I thought, wow! That symphony is very well endowed.

I attended an online class to learn how to be a pirate.....

Actually it was sort of a webinAHRRRR

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?
His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good sha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy from the country attended the prestigious university in the city.

With his degree, he got prizes in mathematics and metaphysics. The lad's father came up to the college to see his son graduate.

"Weel, Dr. Thompson" asked the old farmer to a professor, "And what may these mathematics be for which my son has getten a prize?"

"Mathematics is to do with ...

Einstein and His Driver.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did John say when he attended the paraplegic women's awareness dance?

"Yo this dance floor is crawling with pussy"

Attended my russian Friends wedding

It was quite a soviet union

Passenger asked a flight attended “How often do planes crash?”

Flight attended “Just once.”

The elderly Mr. Johnson attended church every Sunday ...

And every Sunday one or another of the old ladies of the church would invite him for dinner, and he would always decline.

One Sunday, Mrs. Smith pressed him on the issue. "Wouldn't you like a nice home-cooked meal?" she asked.

"No thanks," he replied.

"What about some of your ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dude, I attended the fertilizer convention the other day...

...yeah, it was a real shitshow.

Yesterday I attended a cannibal dinner where the food was cooked only on one side.

It was quite a half-assed BBQ.

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

Rabbi fill in

A Catholic priest is called away by a family emergency one day, while on duty attending confession. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he asks his friend, a rabbi from the synagogue across the street, if he can fill in for him.
The rabbi says he wouldn't know what to do, so the pri...

I recently attended a catch and release fishing party...

...the music was ok, but the food was off the hook.

I recently attended a Broadway show about Puns...

...it was a play on words.

Do you know the difference between "complete" and "finished"

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished."

However, during a recent linguistic conference attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make...

An old woman passed away. Her 25 children attended the funeral.

The priest spoke of her extraordinary life.

“She married John and they had had 13 children before he passed. Then she remarried. She and her beloved Richard had 7 children. But he sadly died as well. But she married again and had 5 children with Michael. Now she is at rest. Thank you, Lord f...

I attended Amy Schumer's party, but there was no talk about her.

Apparently, nobody wanted to mention the elephant in the room.

I attended the funeral today of the man I hit with my car...

I can’t believe I said “I’ll miss him” to his survivors.

I’m so proud of my grandma. At 90 years old she attended medical school

She’s a cadaver.

I used a MeetUp app and attended a BDSM meetup...

but left the meetup a little blue :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once attended a 50s music themed table tennis festival in a far east country, hosted by an Asian dictator where all the participants were dressed as famous movie gorillas...

It was Kim Jongs Honk Kong Honky Tonk King Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau attended the Assembly of First Nations annual summer meeting in Whitehorse.

Trudeau said he wasn't there to speak to the chiefs but to listen.


Then he spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing the Liberal Party back into the hearts of the Canadian people and how he was going to legalize marijuana and the many ways that he was going to help the Firs...

I once attended a sermon at a church in Finland.

The congregation must have been huge Mortal Kombat fans because they were singing a Finnish hymn.

So I attended a salsa class today

The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips

I attended my first cannibal wedding the other day

Favorite part was when the best man roasted the groom. It was savage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 nuns die and go to heaven!

4 nuns die in a car accident and arrive outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter greets them and says "I know that all of you have regularly attended confession and confessed to many sins, but as the Lord is all knowing, he is aware that there are some sins that all of you haven't yet confessed to and...

Notice at a religious place

Do not leave your cell phone,wallet,hand bags,gifts, un-attended; others may think they found an answer to their prayers!

A recent wedding I attended was very emotional...

Even the cake was in tiers.

I came to the realization that my 5 year old was watching too much reality TV when we attended a wedding

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle to the altar, he asked, "Is this where the groom picks the one he wants to marry?"

I recently attended a really wild Pagan Religions Festival

People got really into it! They were worshiping anyone that wasn't nailed down

I attended many weddings in the past within my extended family.

At the reception, the old folks always came to me telling: "You're next! You're next!"

This suddenly stopped after I started doing the same at funeral services.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

High School Reunion

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which showed is full name.

Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same g...

My wife has a peculiar cooking habit

So, my wife and I are newly weds, and she's a great cook, but I noticed she did something strange when preparing sausages. Just before she puts them in the skillet, she cuts off about an inch on both sides of the sausages.

After having witnessed this a couple of times, I asked her why she di...

At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said " all the married men please stand next to the person who made your life worth living"

The bartender was damn near crushed to death!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was eating at a restaurant ...

When he noticed all the servers had spoons in their pocket.

Curious, he asked his server “why do all of you carry spoons?”

“Oh that’s interesting,” replied the server. “Our manager attended a seminar and found out the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. This way we are alway...

I recently attended a funeral where the casket was driven to the cemetery on a practice run before the ceremony and procession.

It was a rehearsal.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.