Passenger asked a flight attended “How often do planes crash?”

Flight attended “Just once.”

I used a MeetUp app and attended a BDSM meetup...

but left the meetup a little blue :(

I once attended a sermon at a church in Finland.

The congregation must have been huge Mortal Kombat fans because they were singing a Finnish hymn.

I’m so proud of my grandma. At 90 years old she attended medical school

She’s a cadaver.

I attended the funeral today of the man I hit with my car...

I can’t believe I said “I’ll miss him” to his survivors.

I attended a comedy seminar once... It was horrible, they needed more trees.

Because comedy comes in trees.

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Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau attended the Assembly of First Nations annual summer meeting in Whitehorse.

Trudeau said he wasn't there to speak to the chiefs but to listen.


Then he spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing the Liberal Party back into the hearts of the Canadian people and how he was going to legalize marijuana and the many ways that he was going to help the Firs...

An old woman passed away. Her 25 children attended the funeral.

The priest spoke of her extraordinary life.

“She married John and they had had 13 children before he passed. Then she remarried. She and her beloved Richard had 7 children. But he sadly died as well. But she married again and had 5 children with Michael. Now she is at rest. Thank you, Lord f...

I came to the realization that my 5 year old was watching too much reality TV when we attended a wedding

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle to the altar, he asked, "Is this where the groom picks the one he wants to marry?"

So I attended a salsa class today

The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips

A recent wedding I attended was very emotional...

Even the cake was in tiers.

I attended many weddings in the past within my extended family.

At the reception, the old folks always came to me telling: "You're next! You're next!"

This suddenly stopped after I started doing the same at funeral services.

I attended my first cannibal wedding the other day

Favorite part was when the best man roasted the groom. It was savage.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

I recently attended a really wild Pagan Religions Festival

People got really into it! They were worshiping anyone that wasn't nailed down

I recently attended a funeral where the casket was driven to the cemetery on a practice run before the ceremony and procession.

It was a rehearsal.

A man went to a conference in a rural town. On the way back, his car broke down.

Looking around, he saw a monastery sitting on a hill. He decided to ask to stay the night. The monks were welcoming and gave him a room to stay in. In the middle of the night, the man woke to hear strange, beautiful, haunting music. It captivated him. He lay still, crying for the whole hour in which...

An Old man attended a Faith Healing session

The preacher said "Stand up and walk"
Then the old man proceeded to stand up from his wheelchair and slowly walked. The shocked crowd yelled in praise.
The preacher asked him: "How are you feeling now?"
The old man replied: "I still can't see"

After years of avoiding social commitments, I finally attended my book club meeting.

Turns out I hadn't missed out on much, they were still stuck on the same book- The Bible

Having attended all prenatal appointments for two kids, i was disappointed my wife's obgyn didn't recognize me at the grocery store

Apparently she is just really bad with faces.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

Reunion Special

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old."

"My name is Archana. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly,...

TIL The Beatles song "Come Together" is about a bukkake party they attended

"Come together, right now... over me"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A ghost inspector attended our house. My wife and I were sceptical.

We wandered through the dark when suddenly he told us all to stop and stand still. "Is everyone still there?" he asked.

My wife said, "Yes."

I said, "Yes."

Then there was a pause. "Are you there?" I asked the ghost inspector.

No reply.

"Oh my god," I said. "Quick, ...

In 1982 Elton John attended one of Queen's concerts, but was shortly hospitalized afterwards.

Turns out they found traces of Mercury in him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful prostitute attended a high profile function..

When it was time for introductions you could hear, I am Dr this and that, professor this or that, Barristers, engineers this and that.
When it was the turn of the prostitute, she calmly said she is a Civil Engineer.
Another curious engineer in the room got interested and asked her for area o...

At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said " all the married men please stand next to the person who made your life worth living"

The bartender was damn near crushed to death!

Every family wedding I attended...

...aunties and grandmas always came to me grabbing me by my cheeks saying "oh dearie you will be next!"
They stopped when I started to do them the same at family funerals.

When I was 14, I attended a party in Hollywood.

I swear, someone must have slipped something into my drink because after awhile I was definitely feeling spacey.

I attended a sign language session.

I was speechless.

I know nothing about the sport of fencing

But I attended a match with a friend who promised to explain everything.

The fencer took position, and one lunged at the other who batted the blade away.

The crowd went wild.

"That was a parry." My friend explained.

The fencer lunged again, the other deflected the blade...

Little Johnny attended a horse..

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying hors...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mosquito had a very tough upbringing

His father was an alcoholic. Many afternoons his father would come drunk and beat his wife and only son, John. John was traumatised by his father’s acts. Every day when he went to school he would cry. Everyday he thought himself that he will be a better mosquito than his father one day.

He c...

Praying for salvation...

One rainy day, a very religious woman was standing on her front porch watching as the river across the street started to rise up its banks. A policeman drove down the road and saw her, pulled his cruiser up her drive, and got out.

"Excuse me miss," he called over to the woman, "but the rains ...

We attended a wedding this weekend for Bobby-Joe and Bobby-Ann. It was a beautiful wedding and it just goes to show that...

there’s somebobby for everybobby.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I attended a sexual harassment seminar recently

so now i think im gonna be pretty good at it

My mother died two weeks ago and my son hasn’t attended English classes since.

I think he’s missing gramma.

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