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There were two sausages in a frying pan...

One said to the other, "Damn, it's hot in here!"

Other one said, "Fuck me, it's a talking sausage!"

What's the difference between a hand and a frying pan?

In the frying pan, the meat shrinks. In the hand, the meat grows.

How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in you frying pan?

Take away their little brooms.

What did the egg say to the frying pan?

I’m sorry I can’t get hard... I just got laid.

What did the egg say to the frying pan

Yolkgottabekiddingme!!

Two eggs in a frying pan

One says to the other; “wow! It’s warm in here!”
The other replies “Argh!!! A talking egg!”

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

Why is EU like a frying pan?

Because Greece is stuck at the bottom

After purchasing an oval Chinese frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat’s yard sale

Nigel realized that he’d just taken a long wok off a short Peer.

A man comes home after a long day, his wife then hits him in the back of the head with a frying pan

He clutches his head in pain asking her, “Honey why? Why did you do that?” She answers, “When I was doing your laundry I found a receipt in your pocket with a woman’s name on it.” He responds, “That’s why you hit me? Honey Mary-Ann is a horse I bet on, that’s the receipt for my bet.” She accepts th...

A guy is sitting quietly reading his Sunday newspaper one day when his wife suddenly hits him over the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he shouts.

His wife says, "I was just doing the laundry and I found a piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name "Marylou on it. Who the hell is she?"

The guy says, "Oh, don't worry about that dear. Do you remember when I went to the horse racing with my f...

Is that a frying pan in the pantry?

No. It’s a wok in closet.

What do you call it when a wizard hits you with a frying pan

Cast iron

A guy is sitting reading the newspaper when his wife hits him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

"What the hell was that for?!", he screams.
"I was emptying your trouser pockets and found a piece of paper with a woman's name and a phone number!"
Thinking quickly, the guy says, "Honey, calm down, that's just the name of a horse i was betting on! The number is for the betting place!"....

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How is a frying pan similar to a vagina?

You gotta heat things up first before you slap the meat to it.

What do you call Luke Skywalker's futuristic frying pan?

An e-wok

My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, "That's for all the cheating!"

She has a weird way of apologising.

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I find frying pans really hot.

I guess you could say I'm pansexual.

How are a frying pan and a beautiful woman similar?

You have to get them both hot before you put the meat in.

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

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Watch your language.

Dad and son cuss too much, and mom has had enough. One night she tells them both, "I hear anymore profanity, and so help me, I will not be responsible for my reaction!"

The next morning, mom gets up and heads downstairs to the kitchen to start breakfast. Dad follows her and mom asks, "What do...

Teacher: "What's 1 minus 1?"

Johny: "1 minus 1?"

Teacher: "Yes. If you subtract one from one, what do you get?"

Johny: "One."

Teacher: "No, Johny, Try again."

Johny: "Two."

Teacher: "Ok, let's do it this way: if you have only one potato chip left in a frying pan and you take it out of the pan,...

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in hell

A man goes to hell. They tell him:

-- You have not sinned too much, so we allow you to choose torture yourself.

He goes into the first room and there people are fried in a frying pan. It doesn't suit him and he leaves.
In the second room needles are inserted under the nails.
“It ...

A navy officer on a submarine was doing his rounds and noticed something odd...

There was what looked like a frying pan handle sticking out of the floor of the sub! The officer did some more looking around, and saw more strange things sticking out of the floor: golf clubs, clothes irons, car bumpers, and even half a bicycle!

Alarmed by this, he went up to the sub command...

What's the difference between a skillet and a person who asks celebrities invasive questions?

One's a frying pan, the other is a prying fan

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A grim man enters an otolaryngologist's cabinet and whips out his penis...

...and it's all bluish and visibly not okay. The doctor, shocked: "You're in the wrong cabinet, you need to see the urologist!"

"No," says man. "The thing is, me and my friends go to a sauna once a month..."

"Ah, so then you'll need a dermatologist if it's caused by an STD" - interrupt...

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A man wakes up in bed after a night of hard boozing...

His first thought is that he's in big trouble with his wife, but she waltzes into the room with a sunshiny grin and hands him a tray loaded with breakfast in bed. While he's eating, she slips under the covers and gives him a deliriously good blowjob.

"I don't get it, honey," the guy says. "I...

A regional manager of a Chinese restaurant chain was visiting one of the stores around the holidays.

He was there to check how the store was doing, making sure safety protocols were in place, making sure it was clean, etc. Upon entering the restaurant he was greeted with Christmas decor, lights, garland, Santa clauses everywhere, and holiday music.
“What’s with the get up?” The manager asked. <...

There was a monk helping make breakfast for the monastery,

and remembered you dont have to use a spatula to flip pancakes. Next thing he knew it was out of the frying pan and onto the friar.

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Little Johnny stomps on some honeybees....

One day little Johnny was playing outside. As he was feeling particularly reckless, Johnny kicked a beehive. The honeybees cam out of the hive and started swirling around Johnny. This pissed Johnny off so he stomped on the bees. His father witnessed this and told him: “Don’t do that! No honey for a ...

A man went to a German food stand

A young man went to a German food stand to order a bratwurst. As he gets his order, both ends of the sausage were missing. It was nonetheless the best bratwurst he has ever tasted so he decides to ask why the ends were missing and if it improves the taste somehow.
The cook answered that just does...

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Two Squirrels GO Camping

They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says,

"Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!"

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A joke to tell your friends in-person

So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though.

So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have?...

A baseball manager calls up a Chinese rookie from the minor leagues

The player shows up before his first game and goes to take batting practice. The manager sees him walking to the batter's box with a frying pan sitting on his head. He says "You can't wear a frying pan in the batter's box, son. You need a helmet."

The player responds: "This is my lucky frying...

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town...

After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm. ''Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?'' asked the man. ''Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a oreo cookie,'' said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cros...

Cook My Sock

A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.


"What are you doing?" he asks.


"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she r...

After a night of heavy drinking...

...a man comes home and is greeted by his wife who finds that he has slurred speech, is mixing up his words, mixing up his letters and is just generally unintelligible. She gets frustrated and urges him to go to bed. He continues to mumble and seems to be trying to convey something important to his ...

An old man is on the park walking

When he sees an elderly lady on a bench. He decides to take a chance and sits down and introduces himself. After some small talk, the man tells her he is a widower. She acts surprised and says she is as well. Four times over.

" all four husbands died while with you? How horrible, how did they...

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning.

Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Daisy; written on it?" his wife demanded.

"Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago ...

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A chaste wife went to a pet store...

... to buy her husband a pet for their anniversary. All of the pedigree animals were too expensive and she began to pout, visibly. One of the store's tellers asked what was wrong and she explained her circumstances.

“Well... we have a specially trained frog for $24.99”, he said.

She ex...

Sick burn.

I came to school one day with a great big burn on my cheek. On seeing the mark my teacher said “My goodness! What happened to you?”

I told her “I talked back to my mother at breakfast, so she hit me with the frying pan.”

The teacher frowned. “That’s not very funny.”

Confused,...

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The Peanut Gallery

Somewhere back in the era of grainy black-and-white TV, there was a Saturday kid's show called "Riddle Griddle." It was hosted by Jimmy Valentine, who is now in the Minnesota Broadcasting Hall of Fame.

The show had bleachers where the kids sat, like the "Peanut Galleries" of Mickey Mouse and ...

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So Hitler gets sent to hell after he dies

The Devil sees that Hitler has arrived and starts to get excited

Devil: "Wow Hitler I am literally your biggest fan! Watch this, watch this."
The Devil snaps his fingers and a giant frying pan appears. He snaps his fingers again and 50 Jews fall from the sky and burn up in the pan.

...

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