UPJOKE
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Earth, Venus, Mars, and Jupiter were going to setup a party

But they failed because nobody knew how to planet

One day on Venus lasts 5,832 hours

The same as one Monday on Earth

I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus

I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments.

What did the Venus fly trap say to the waiter?

Excuse me, there's no fly in my soup.

Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar..

But they didn't planet...

What did Venus say to Earth?

Ewwwwwww, you’ve got Humans!!

If Earth is the third planet from Sun after Mercury and Venus

Doesn't that make every country a third world country?

I'm sick of these double standards

When Venus poses naked on a seashell she is "beautiful" and "a goddess", but when I do it I'm "drunk" and "banned from the Sea Life Centre".

Politicians are rushing to Venus.

This after news that the local population absolutely *lives* for hot air.

Apparently they found evidence of life on Venus

It's all the girls that went their because they're a genius

Humanity has colonized Venus and Mars. Venus is a pressure-cooker hellscape with an acidic atmosphere, and Mars has almost no atmosphere at all. In comparison, bad weather on Earth...

is such a first world problem.

A top Russian scientist claims that Venus is a Russian moon

I think that’s Russian to conclusions

I only started space exploration this week and already I've colonized Venus and Mars

V:e:n:u:s:a:n:d:M:a:r:s

Why can't Mars and Venus kiss?

Because they live a World apart.

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Venus and Serena Williams were having breakfast...

when Serena says to Venus "I think Dad's been putting steroids or something in our cereal". Venus says "Why do you think that?". Serena leans forward and speaking in a low voice says "I'm starting to get hair where I didn't have any before". "Like where??" Venus asks. "All over my cock and balls...

Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus

They say its bark is worse than its bite.

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Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Kids are from Uranus

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The Venus de Milo just kicked my ass.

It surprised the hell out of me, because she looks pretty armless.

I saw Venus AND Jupiter this morning!

So glad the strip club is open early.

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As old as the Hills and twice as dusty but no, I've never seen it here

The traveling salesman's car breaks,so he asked a farmer if he can stay there for a few days while his car gets fixed.

The farmer had 2 beautiful daughters, Nellie and Venus.

One night TS takes the older daughter "Venus"on a date to the drive in,using the farmers car.

The next...

Scientists have discovered life on Venus!

I’m going to see if they want my wife back.

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Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at Wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly.

Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at Wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly.

May I suggest for her to try some better fitting underwear?

If Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus was written today...

The solar system would need more planets for the title.

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When I visited the Louvre, I slapped the Venus de Milo’s ass

I think I’ve hit rock bottom

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No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

I called Serena Williams. I said, “Serena, what’s your favorite planet?”

She said, “It’s Venus.”

Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?

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Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider,

Girls go to venus to get more penis

On a dark and stormy night...

...a comet flies past Earth. This comet was enchanted, and after it flew past the world, it caused all statues to come to life, solely focused on destroying every country in the world.

No nation was left safe from this attack. The gargoyles attacked France. The Statue of Liberty led a revolt ...

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What made Jupiter’s surprise party go off with out a hitch?

Mars, Uranus, and Venus really knew how to planet.

I don't want to say video games cause violence...

...but after a month of playing Pong, I beat Rafael Nadal in a best of five match and might be Venus Williams' new baby daddy.

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The Planets

71% water + 29% land = Earth

100% land + 0% Chocolate = Mars

100% land + 0% Fertility = Venus

100% land and lava + 0% Freddy = Mercury

100% land + 0% Dog = Pluto

100% gas = Uranus

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A man is driving down the road.

When suddenly he sees a red man crying.He asks him "What's wrong with you?" The red man answers:"I'm a homosexual exiled from Mars and i am hungry" The man gives him a sandwitch,hops back in his car and goes further.He then saw a green man crying.He asks him again what's wrong and the green man answ...

Joke my 63 year old British dad just told me...

Two American astronauts zoom off to the moon, they land on the moon safely and hop out of the module. They do some routine work, collecting rock samples, checking temperatures and the like.

Then one of them sees a man in the distance sitting on a deck chair wearing a handkerchief with knots o...

God Wants To Go On Vacation

"Hmm, How about Venus?" An angel says

"No! It's way too hot there I need some place better" says God.

The angels face than lights up when he says "I've got it! How about you go down to Earth?"

God than chuckles and says "Are you kidding? Im not going down there. 2000 years ago...

What do you call Venus Williams' collection of Pokemon?

The 'mons of Venus.

God couldn't decide where to go for a holiday

The angels suggested the the planet Venus.
"Too hot," said god.

Then they suggested Pluto?
"Too cold," said god.

What about planet Earth they wondered.
"Hell no," said god. I was down there about 2,000 years ago. Slept with some woman named Mary - and they're still talking a...

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