Remembered Jokes - 44 Hilarious Remembered Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together and at first, I started to panic but then I remembered that...

...it’s always going to be okay!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered...

that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.

A small joke I remembered

Boss: if I find you sleeping on the job one more time, you're fired!

Employee: sorry boss

Boss: ok, now go and do the sheep inventory

Employee: oh no

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was pissing against a wall when I remembered an old Indian saying

“Hey, asshole, if I catch you pissing on my wall again I’m gonna kick your ass.”

Frank wanted to be remembered.

A group of older veterans had all gotten together after not seeing one another for many years. When they met up they all learned that one of their buddies had passed away right before the get together was scheduled and his wife showed up with his ashes and her husbands request for all the guys. <...

Old Scottish joke I remembered that just became relevant again...

The head greenkeeper of St Andrews golf course was out inspecting the greens one morning when he spotted a golfer bending over the stream on the 18th, scooping up water with his hand and drinking it.

'Haw', he shouted, 'Ye shouldnae drink that watter, it's got coo's pish in it!'

The go...

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

Ageing: Not to brag, but I just went into another room, and remembered why I went in there

Granted, it was the bathroom, but still ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One I remembered from high school

There are two hunters out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing. The other guy pulls out his phone and calls 911. He says, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a g...

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

Napoleon might be remembered for being short, but if there was one part of him the ladies remembered best...

...it was the Bonaparte.

You either die young enough to be remembered as a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Just ask Jean-Claude Van Damme

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

God says to jesus, "You remembered it's father's day?"

Jesus says "what the hell am I supposed to get a man who has everything?!"

*God turns & winks at camera*

"Omnipresents."

Just remembered a classic from my childhood

When I say childhood, I mean from the playground at primary school.

3 men are out for a walk when a man approaches them.

"Come with me, I have a magic slide. Whatever you shout as you slide down it, you will land in"

The first man climbed into the slide "Gold!" He shouted and la...

Sir John Harrington, inventor of the modern flush toilet is well remembered for two reasons:

Number 1 and Number 2

Waking groggily, I remembered flying off my motorbike...

The smell and sounds quickly made me realise that I was in a hospital, but something wasn't right.

I reached down to feel my legs, but sat up and screamed as I felt nothing!

It was only then that I noticed the doctor standing by the end of my bed who raised his eyebrows in surprise and...

Why will only Dachshunds be remembered ?

Because History is written by the wieners.

I asked my babysitter from 15 years ago if she remembered how hard it was to get me in bed.

I told her it that it would be much easyier now.

John was returning from work when he remembered that today was his daughter's birthday...

There was still time so he decided to quickly drive and buy a gift for her.
He went to the local supermarket and headed straight to the toys section in search of a toy his daughter would cherish.

He found employee there and asked his advise on which Barbie doll would make the best gift. ...

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

Here's a little joke that I remembered from a while back:

So this Irishman walks out of a bar

My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was driving home from work when he remembered it was the 20th anniversary of his marriage

He still needed to get a gift for his wife, so he stopped at the department store on his way home. He quickly went to the lingerie department to pick up a gift and a sales associate was very happy to help. The sales associate asked what his budget was, to which he responded about $50. She showed him...

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

I just remembered this joke to leave a comment in r/mariners, and I thought some of you would enjoy it. It was my dad's fave.

A Californian, a Texan, and a Washingtonian are out on a hunting trip, but it's not going well. Three hours, nothing.

The Californian pulls a bottle of wine out of his bag, throws it way up in the air, and shoots it.

"Wha'd you do that for?" asks the Texan. "That was a perfectly good b...

What will 2020 be remembered for?

Hindsight

A joke I just remembered

Waiter: how did you find your meal sir?

Me: yeah it tastes good

Waiter: that's not what I meant and you know it

Me: another waiter told me where you hid it

I remembered watching Titanic and bawled my eyes out.

It's because the painting scene with Rose was too short.

Want to Be Remembered By all After You Die??

Just Borrow money From all of your Relatives Before Dying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some nsfw funnies I remembered

1)

There was a dad whose response was very odd to stuff asked by his son.

S: Can I ride my bike to school?

D: Does your dick touch your asshole?

S: No

D: Well there's your answer

So on and so forth, "Can I date girls?", "Can I smoke?", "Can I skip school tod...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remembered this joke a while ago, and didn't see it on this sub, so decided to share.

Before the start of the lesson, the girls from Johnny's class come to see the teacher to complain about Johnny's inappropriate comments towards them.

The teacher told the girls to walk out of the class the next time they get offended by one of Johnny's comments and she will then deal with him...

My dad died yesterday when no one remembered his blood type.

He kept telling us to 'be positive' but it's hard without him.

Why was JFK remembered as such a good president?

He had a very open mind.

What do you think Trudeau will be remembered for.....

moistly?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

Why were the Lincoln Presidency and JFK Presidency remembered so well?

Because they both ended with a BANG

Okay, Reddit, I just remembered a good one..

Number 42!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

I just realize why Jesus is so well remembered...

He was the only white dude in the middle east!

For some reason I remembered this joke my sister told from my childhood (long)

There was once this old lady who lived in a little pink house. One night she decided to get ready for bed, so she put on her little pink slippers, her little pink nightie and her little pink dressing gown, and climbed up her little pink stairs to go to her little pink bedroom. Once there, she took o...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.