Flattened Jokes

It was a phrygian slip.

A little boy is born with a terrible birth defect - he has only a head, no torso, no limbs.

On his 21st birthday, his friends take him to the bar to celebrate. One of them pours his first beer down his throat - and poof! All of a sudden, a neck and torso pop out of his head.

His fri... read more

He was absolutely obsessed with farm machinery, particularly tractors. He loved working on them, driving them, ploughing with them, and at the end of the day cleaning them.

His room was filled with tractor posters, he often completed puzzles of tractors, built and painted small model tractors... read more

a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat ... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the hou... read more

I guess you could say it was man-flattened.

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen y... read more

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no ph... read more

He takes the first sip, and out pops his body. Surprised, he takes a second sip, and out pop his arms. The whole pub is cheering him on now. His father has tears of joy streaming down his face. So the boy takes his final sip, and out pop his legs. The boy is so happy that he immediately jumps up ... read more

So, finally I made it. A carpet on the floor of my son's bedroom.

After an inspection I found a bulge in the carpet, so I tried to kick it flat. After a few stomps finally the bulge has been flattened. All is fine now.

"Daddy, have you seen my hamster?"

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his... read more

People would routinely bring him flattened bread in an attempt to get him to eat. What people don't understand though is that Gandhi was actually a very temperamental man, and prone to anger. So even when his friends and family were the ones bringing him bread, he would take it and hurl it at them, ... read more

One day, they leave the front door open on accident and the young onion rolls out into the world.

While crossing the street, the poor onion child gets flattened in the road...

He is then rushed to the hospital, the father rolling around in the hall, extremely anxious to hear any news.<... read more

Many were concerned that their bread would be flattened. His response to their concerns was "It's fine. They're soft drinks"

So I went into the music store and wandered around a bit, trying to look like any regular customer. When the lady at the front counter turned away for a second, I grabbed the closest record to me and stuffed it into the front of my trousers. It still had the jacket around it, so two of the corners w... read more

Bill asked, "Hey where's Dave? Why isn't he here tonight?"
"Dave is dead," said Ted.
"How?"
Ted said, "Well, he was supposed to pick me up, but when he got to my house, he hit my Ferrari in the driveway, flew through his own windshield, and crashed through my kitchen window."
"What a te... read more

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.

"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and say... read more

A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe. When checking his rear-view mirror he noticed that a small object followed by a trail of dust was closing fast. His curiosity piqued he slowed a bit to get a better look. As the object came into ... read more

One day in Cheerio City, an ordinary young Cheerio started his day. He decided to get a job. He was nearing his sell by date and figured it was time. There are three social classes in Cheerio City: the Regulars, the Wheats, and the Frosteds. The young Cheerio was simply a Regular and had little to n... read more