Squish Jokes - 46 Hilarious Squish Jokes

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a Caterpillar with one wet sneaker.

A guy was standing in line at a pharmacy...

and overheard the person in front of him purchase a box of suppositories. Not knowing what they were and unwilling to show his ignorance by asking, he decided to buy a box himself.

Upon arriving home he opened the box, slipped out one of the sheets and pressed out one suppository from the foi...

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Why did the man squish the cockroach?

Because he said to the man, "Go ahead, kill me coward. You are just jealous I make your wife scream more than you do when I climb her.'

A 50-year old woman is very pleased with her new facelift. (Long)

She goes to the bank and steps up to the counter. She asks the teller, "How old do you think I am?"

The teller looks her up and down and guesses 35.

"Nope, 50!" she says, and goes to Subway for lunch.

She asks the sandwich artist behind the counter, "How old do you think I am?"<...

I asked my friend why he stopped working his job of squishing soda cans at the recycling factory?

He said that it was soda pressing.

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A priest is on his way to visit a sick parishioner....

He comes upon a small boy squishing ants with his thumb. Each time he squishes one, outloud he says "Fuckin' ants".

The priest tells him he's going to visit someone and on his way back while he's gone he wants the youth to think of three things God put on earth which are of no use.

On...

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Biting Boobies

An old man is walking down the street when he sees a beautiful brunette walk by with a truly gigantic set of knockers. He turns around and catches up to the woman and says to her: "I'll give you $100 to let me bite your boobs" "Get away from me you perv!" she shouts back and continues walking. The o...

Guy is nervous about sky diving.

The diving instructor tells him "When you hit altitude just pull the chute cord and you'll be fine."

Guy asks, "What if that doesn't work?"

Instructor says, "Then pull the reserve."

Guy, still nervous, "okay but what if that doesn't work"

"OK, listen, if that fails just l...

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?

(So they land softer when they're sky diving?) No, because white ones scuff up too easily.

\---

Why shouldn't you go out in the savannah between 4pm and 6pm?
\--That's when the elephants go sky-diving

\---

Why do elephants live in herds?
\---To get the group dis...

Three tomatoes are walking down the street

a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and squishes him... and says, "catch up".

There’s Three Old Men,

Sitting on their porch, and Jesus finally comes for them. so they’re up in heaven, and there is ducks, EVERYWHERE. Now Jesus Says, “Alrighty, Now in heaven, we only got one rule. Never. Ever. Step on a duck. If you do, you will be chained up to an ugly person for all of eternity.”
Now they all sa...

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The Swiss

Two Swiss guys decide to walk from their hotel from the train station.
30 minutes into the walk one of the guys turns around and stamps on a snail that was behind them, squishing it to death. ´What the fuck did you do that for!?´exclaimed his friend. To which his companion replied ´Well, that fu...

Two best friend olives are rolling around on the ground.

As they are rolling and playing one of the olives get squished. In complete shock the one olive says, "are you okay?!?" The squished friend says, "olive!"

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A little old lady calls a carpet installation company to redo her living room carpeting...

Mitch arrives, takes measurements and begins work. He pulls out the old carpeting, sands the floor down and lays in the new carpet. It takes all day.

When he's finally done he notices a small lump under the carpet in one corner of the floor. "Ah, fuck. What the hell is this now?" he says. He...

Football

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous. "There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. ...

Why was it messy when the elephant crossed the road?

There were a lot of squished chickens

What's a flower plus a t-Rex?

A squished flower!

(An original from my 5 year old)

There was a man who was in love with tractors

He really loved his tractors, he had tractor posters on his walls, dvds about tractors, he owned a lot of tractors…this man loved his tractors.
But there was one thing he loved more than his tractors, his lovely wife. One day she was out in the fields and she got crushed by a tractor, she was squ...

So my dad told me this one when i was a kid.

A preist is walking out of church during a cloudy day, when he sees a little boy trying to squish ants on the sidewalk with his fingers, whenever he'd miss, he'd say "ah, missed!".

So the preist tells him to stop because everything, including ants, are creations of god and that he shouldn't h...

My wife was yelling at me this morning for going to the bathroom in the shower. I don't know what her problem is

I squished it all down the drain with my feet.

I don't believe that the Moon Landing ever happened.

I mean, come on. The Moon is huge; if it had landed, it would've squished all of the astronauts.

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Daddy, is this plasticine?

Asked the boy and gave a small ball to his father. The father squished it, smelled it and said:

'Son, that's a ball of shit.'

'Yeah, I was wondering what a ball of plasticine would be doing in my butt.'

A time traveler goes to the past

A time traveler goes to the past and squishes a bug by accident,he goes back to the future and finds a woman on the sidewalk,he asks her "Who is president?" She replies with "Joe biten." He then says "You mean joe biden?" She shook her head and pointed behind him..there was a bulldog in a suit. "Joe...

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What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

A man who has just finished installing a carpet into a house decides to have a smoke.

He reaches into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes, but it isn't there. He looks at the room he has just carpeted and sees a lump under the carpet.

"I'm not tearing up the carpet I just laid out for a dumb pack of cigarettes," thinks the man. So he goes to the lump in the carpet and squish...

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What does a West Virginia woman say after sex?

Git off me Pa, you're squishing my smokes.

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So there's a guy born without a body...

He was born as a head, nothing else. The doctors said he would never live, but somehow, he did. He had a rough childhood, but he learned to get around, rolling where he needed to, putting up with the teasing and looks. He just tried to fit in as best he could.

By the time he's in high schoo...

A blind man walks into a bar and sits on a stool. He orders a drink and says "hey, wanna here a good blonde joke"...

The barmaid says "before you do, I should tell you my name is big Bertha, I'm the landlady and an ex wrestler and I'm a blonde. Two feet away is big Brenda, she's a karate teacher and could squish you flat in a second, she's also a blonde, and in the corner over there is big Belinda, she's a shot p...

Two tomatoes cross a road

One gets squished by a car and the other says 'hurry up, ketchup'.

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

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A USMC General, US Army General, USAF General and a Navy Admiral were arguing about which branch has the bravest servicemembers.

The Marine General trying to prove his men and women were the most brave said, “watch this” and commanded a nearby Marine Corporal to shoot himself in the head with his sidearm... the Corporal drew his pistol blew his head off and the Marine General said, “See, the Marines are the bravest.”

T...

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Three Women Die And Go To Heaven

Welcome to Heaven," Saint Peter greets them at the gate. "We only have one rule here, and that is, under no circumstances, can you step on any of our holy flowers. If you do, you will be punished for all eternity."

The women are confused, but walk through the pearly gates and find that heaven...

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Bill suffered an excruciating pain in his balls since childhood. No doctor could ever diagnose what was wrong with them. So finally, they suggested him to get them operated.

After the operation, now being a free man, with slightly lesser pain than earlier, he was happy and wanted to start his life afresh. So he went to the garments shop closest to the hospital.

'Excuse me, I'd like to buy a suit, could you please take my measures?' said Bill to the owner of the s...

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Johnny and Sally are having fun climbing a tree, when all of a sudden a bee starts buzzing around her...

"Oh no! Johnny!" says Sally. "That bee went up my skirt!"

Johnny starts booting her on the ass, trying to hit the bee.

"Oh no, Johnny! Now the bee has gone into my underwear!"

Johnny starts smacking her on the bottom, trying to squish the bee.

"Oh no, Johnny! Now the bee...

My 14yo son asked me what a corset was.

I told him a corset was like a cassette except instead of playing music, it squishes ladies intestines together.
My 8yo daughter then added, "That's why they have undigested babies."

(true story)

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Little Johnny stomps on some honeybees....

One day little Johnny was playing outside. As he was feeling particularly reckless, Johnny kicked a beehive. The honeybees cam out of the hive and started swirling around Johnny. This pissed Johnny off so he stomped on the bees. His father witnessed this and told him: “Don’t do that! No honey for a ...

A trip with the dad

So me and my dad were driving home the other day, it was about 12pm so it was quite dark. We were driving through the woods when we went over a bump, and when we did I heard a crunch. I told my dad to stop the car so we can see what happened. I got out and saw that there was a dead rabbit next to t...

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Two hungry hobos

Two hobos were walking along the railroad tracks bemoaning how long it had been since either one had eaten. They come across a racoon that had been half squished by a train, and one exclaims "Our luck has changed, we can split it!"

The second hobo demurred, "No thanks, I'm going to wait for a...

Einstein and Newton are in a bar...

...Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein ex...

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well this is awkward...

Three men were sent up to heaven because they died. Jesus met them up there and said, "I see that you three have died. Tell me how you all met your death."
The first man said, "Well I was working at the office like any other day, when my boss gave me the rest of the day off. I came home, and my ...

A police officer was directing traffic when a little bunny hopped up to him...

The officer picked up the bunny fearing that the little guy would get squished. He waved down a BMW filled with some rich kids. He said, "You guys look responsible. Please take this bunny to the zoo for me." The rich kids took the bunny and said very seriously, "We won't let you down."
The police...

Best hunting trip ever

Leroy, Clem and Earl were spending a long weekend deer hunting. They got far out into the woods and had a disagreement about where they would hunt. Finally Leroy tells Clem and Earl, "Well I got a cabin over yonder on that ridge so why don't you guys go where you want, I'll stay around my cabin and ...

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The Terrible Legend of Bahuda

Three explorers are making their way through a one of those generic jungles that always shows up in these sorts of jokes, when they are suddenly ambushed by a tribe of massive cannibals. (That's "massive" in the sense that they are very large, although they are also particularly passionate about eat...

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Three construction workers are building a brick wall in the middle of a swamp.

During a break, the first man, Joe, says, "Let's have a brick throwing competition. Whoever can throw his brick the highest wins!"

"That sounds like fun; I'm in!" Replied the second man, Tom.

"But how will we measure who's goes the highest?" inquired Jim, the third man.

"Simple,...

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.

"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"

"Oscar Peterson is ...

How to Kill an Eel

"Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnn...

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