My mom said my Pawpaw would say this joke all the time in the car. They'd be driving along and a bug would splat against the windshield and he'd say...

"I bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again."

A woman and her husband are driving down the highway, when all of a sudden - splat - they've hit something furry

The woman pulls over, gets out and looks behind the car. A little bunny is squashed on the side of the road. The man, coming up behind him, says "Oh poor little guy."

"It's OK," says the woman, "I've got just the thing." She goes back, rummages in her handbag, and comes back with a spray can....

What goes “tap tap splat”

Blind man on the highway

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A young boy's mum gives him their last possession: a duck

She tells him "Don't you dare come back til you've gotten a good price for that duck."

Off he goes to the market. On the way there, he's stopped by a prostitute. She propositions him and he's unable to resist.

"But, ma'am, I've only got a duck."

"How much it worth?"

"My m...

What’s the difference between a jumper and a sweater?

A sweater doesn’t go splat after falling 40 stories...

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Flying Baby!

Due to the pandemic, Pete had to hang out in the waiting room while his wife delivered their first baby. The doc walks in, looks and Pete and says, “I’ve got good news, Pete. Your baby can fly!” Pete was suddenly taken over by concern and wondering WTF this quack doctor could be talking about. They ...

What’s the difference between a paintball player and a skydiver?

A paint baller goes “ *SPLAT* Dang!”

A skydiver goes “Dang! *SPLAT*”

There was a very wealthy Count named Carl.

He always threw extravagant parties and almost everyone loved him, but almost no one knew where he got his massive wealth from.

One day, some law enforcement got suspicious of Count Carl’s wealth and went to him demanded to know where it was coming from. Count Carl refused to tell them, howe...

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You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

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A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.

Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window.

When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived.

“You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentra...

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Three flies in a jar

There are 3 flies in a jar with the lid sealed

Fly 1,2, and 3 are flying around trying to find a way out.
Fly 3 comes up to fly 1 and asks “do you know how to get out of the jar?
Fly 1 says suck my dick and I’ll tell you how to get out.
Fly 3 says “no man I’m not doing that”
An...

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Three construction workers are sitting on a scaffolding eating lunch.

An electrician, a bricklayer, and a welder are sitting on a high rise scaffolding on their lunch break. They all open their lunches to find baloney sandwiches. The electrician sighs and says

"I hate baloney, my wife knows I hate baloney, yet every day I end up with this sandwich. If I get on...

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The Drunk and the Bum

There was a drunk and a bum. The drunk said, “you can jump off a building and pop back up to the top.”
Bum said, “no way. If you jump off a building you will die.” So the drunk took the bum to the tallest building in the city. Jumped off the building and popped back up to the top. Not a scratch o...

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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discoveredthat if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head i...

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Simple Math (Read out loud for best effect)

Teacher: A guy plants 3 saplings and they all grow up. How many trees are there?

Student: Easy, 3.

Teacher: No, Tree plus Tree plus Tree equals 9.

Student: Wha-

Teacher: Now a truck drives by and splats mud on all the trees. How many trees now?

Student: 9?

T...

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

What’s the difference between a man falling from a 40 story building and a 4 story building?

One goes: “Ahhhhhhhhh.... Splat”
And the other goes: “Splat....Ahhhhhhhhh”

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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

A Muslim, Buddhist, and Christian were arguing about their faiths...

The Muslim says that theirs is the true faith. The Buddhist says Nirvana is key, while the Christian of course argues that Jesus is the way.

This went on for hours until finally the Christian says, "let's settle this once and for all. We all jump off a cliff, and whoever's God saves him will...

Quasimodo needs to retire...

Quasimoto had been working for many years ringing the bells at Notre Dame and had decided it was time to retire. He placed a want ad to hire a replacement but as neither the pay nor the working conditions were very good, some time passed without any response.

One evening he heard a knock at...

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A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall?"...

The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".

The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall. You land gently on your feet, light a...

Quasimodo needed a sub bell ringer...

Put an ad in the paper. No one showed up for weeks.
Finally a knock on the door.
Guy standing there with no arms.
Quasi is incredulous, doesn’t think he can do it.
Guy begs..”c’mon Quasi, give me a chance...as a handicapped person yourself, you know how hard it is to find work”
Quasim...

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A man walks in a bar.

The man goes to get a drink. Another man sits next to him, saying "You know this drink right here I'm drinking turns you invincible?", nodding his head towards his drink.

"No way man you're obviously drunk."

"Nah man, I'm serious."

"Okay then, prove it."

"Watch me," says...

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My kids added to the Diarrhea Song, here they are

Most of us probably know the song. Here's how I knew it as a kid:

When you're sliding into first with pants about to burst diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're sliding into two and you're just about to poo, diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're sliding into third and lay a juicy turd, diarr...

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3 Wishes

A genie gave three men one wish each, as they were friends travelling far journey. They were to run and jump of a cliff and call the name of who they wanted to transform in.

The first man ran off the cliff and jumped and shouted, "Superman!" and he transformed into Superman.

The secon...

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There are 3 flies in a jar, one male, two female. One day, one of the female flies decides she wants to get out of the jar. She goes up to the other female fly and says, "Hey, how do you get out of the jar?" The other female fly says, "I don't know, maybe ask him."

So the female fly goes up to the male fly and asks, "Hey, how do you get out of this jar?"

The male fly says, "I can tell you, but you have to fuck me first." And flies....they aren't very smart. So they do it and the male fly tells the female fly, "You start from the bottom of the jar and fl...

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A man walks into a bar. He sees another patron and decides to sit down next to him.

A man walks into a bar. He sees one other patron in the bar and decides to sit down next to him. After a few drinks the man starts chatting up the patron.

Eventually, after a few more drinks and conversation, the patron asks the man if he wants to see something really incredible, but that he...

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Three Drunks

Three drunkards are standing on top of the Empire State Building. The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the bui...

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Tom and Clark are standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break when Clark says,

“Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?”

“Get outta here,” says Tom.

“I’m serious. Watch me,” Clark says. Clark hops off the building, and sure enough, he is taken in by the...

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Two drunks are talking in a bar...

The first one says "You know what's weird about city hall? When they built it they didn't take into account wind loads. We get so much wind here the top floor rocks back and forth 20 feet"

The second one says "yeah, but because of that wind you can jump off the roof of the building across the...

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How to pick a girl.

Got to a chic in a bar and tell her this joke.
Three flies are stuck in a jar. Two female flies and one male fly. For some reason the female flies have it in their heads that the male knows how to get out. The first female fly buzzes over the the male and asks him how to get out of the jar.
<...

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A man is walking on the street when another falls right next him; on his feet, unharmed.

"Wow! How did you do that?"
"Well, actually anyone can do it," says the fallen man. "I'm a Geophysicist, I study areas of low gravity.
There is one in this precise spot. Anyone can jump from that rooftop and land slowly and unscathed.
I see you don't believe me. Let me demonstrate one...

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Drunk Superman

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.

Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.

...

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There's this bar on top of the Empire State Building

The first guy looks at the second guy and says" you know the wind is so strong up here, if you jump out the window, it'll carry you right back up."
The second guy looks at the first and says "I'm not stupid I'm not going to kill myself."
The first guy says "watch." So he heads over to the wind...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop

Right away they go over to the bird section.

Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”. The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yeah, we’ll take four of them birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry. “Put them in a paper bag.”

The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds ...

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Another moral story: You’re Full Of Shit

One day there was a fly that was flying around in a barn when he noticed a huge fresh pile of shit sitting on the barn floor. Fly lands and starts eating.

He eats some more, and then he ate even more. Even when he knew he was finished he still ate more.

Once he was actually done he tr...

Why is the sloth trying to cross the road?

Becau- *SPLAT*

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Two strangers are sitting in a bar at the top of a high rise...

The first man says to the other: "Did you know the clouds are so thick up here that you bounce right back off of them if you jump out the window?"
The second man says: "Is this some kind of a sick game? That's not physically possible!"
The first man stands up and says "Let me show you!" An...

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Another joke to tell to someone you want to have sex with

Three flies are sealed in a jar: two females and one male.

One day, the male fly goes up to one of the female flies and says, "Hey, I know how to get out of this jar." The female fly asks, "Really?! How??" The male fly replies, "Fuck me and I'll tell you." The female fly thinks it over for a...

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So it's lunch time on a construction site...

An Italian, Mexican, and an American are sitting on top of a construction building. It's their lunch break so they all get ready to eat and the Italian opens his lunch and says " Pizza! If I get pizza one more day I'm jumping off this building". The Mexican opens his lunch and it's tacos, and he sa...

Just a hotel bar...

There was a bar on the 42nd floor of the hotel. A dude drinks some whiskey . Then he says “watch this.” To a dude. He jumps out a window and right before he hits the ground he softly lands and comes back up to the bar. Puzzled, the dude asks “how did you do that?” The man says “just drink some whisk...

Saving people from a burning building

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were caught in a burning building and rushed to the roof to get away from the smoke. Soon, they hear sirens of the fire truck approach and peer over the edge. They see a group of 4 firefighters get out and each grab a hold of a tarp to catch them in.

The b...

What's the difference between falling from the 20th floor and the 2nd floor?

20th floor:

* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! (***SPLAT***)

2nd floor:

* (***SPLAT***) AAAAAaaaaaaaagggghhhhhhhhhhh......

What's the difference between falling from the 1st and the 10th floor?

The former goes "Splat.....Ahhh!" and the latter goes "Ahhhhhhhh...........Splat!"

Three guys were on the roof of a burning building...[Long]

The fire fighters show up with a huge net for them to jump onto. The fire fighters shout up to one of the guys, "HEY JUMP AND WE'll CATCH YOU!" So one of the guys jumps, and the fire fighters quickly move the net and the guy hits the ground with a loud SPLAT.

They have a laugh then shout to t...

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Poor little Rabbit

A vegan is driving his Escalade down the highway and as he turns a corner he spots a rabbit run out in front of him. He locks up the brakes and skids side to side, desperately tries to not run over the rabbit. The rabbit takes a couple hops to the left and SPLAT! The front right tire flattens the ...

A new bell-ringer at Notre-Dame...

Since the passing of Quasimodo, Notre-Dame has needed a new bell-ringer. The priests held auditions for an entire day, but no one could quite live up to the task. Near the end of the day, when they were ready to call it quits, a man with no arms approached them.

"Hi, I'd like to audition to b...

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on top of a burning building.

There are firefighters at the bottom with a rescue blanket. "Jump down we will catch you" the firemen yelled. The brunette jumped down, when she was close the firemen yanked the blanket away and laughed as she went splat on the pavement.

They the tell the redhead to jump "The brunette wasn't ...

What is the difference between falling from the roof of a house vs the roof of a building?

Falling from the roof of a house sounds like

"splat, ARGHHHHHHHHHH"

Falling from the roof of a building sounds like

"ARGHHHHHHHHHH, splat"

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Magic Beer

A guy walks into a nice rooftop bar on the 30th floor of his hotel and sits down. Wondering what to have he asks the guy what he's having, the guy says he's having Magic Beer.

"Magic Beer" the guy asks, "How is it magic?"

The guy says "Just watch" he drinks down his beer and jumps of...

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Two men walk in to a cliff side bar.

Around 10 pm, two men with brown and black hair walk in to a cliff side bar. The men sit beside each other, start hammering down drinks, and hit it off. After much laughing and joking the black haired man gets serious. He whispers to the other,
" you know, i heard the updraft on the side of this...

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So there's a new drink at the bar...

A man named Derek walks into a bar and takes a seat next to another man. The man looks over and says "Hey, have you heard of the new drink called 'Bounce'? It's amazing!"

Derek responds "Yeah? What's so special about it?"

In which the man replied "You wouldn't believe it, it makes you ...

New Yorkers are the fastest readers.

80 stories in ten seconds splat!

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A guy walks into a lounge on the top floor of a hotel ...

... sits next to a local, and orders a drink. The local says "Never seen you around here before - you staying at the hotel?"

"Yes, just here for a couple of days on business."

"Ah, so you don't know about this hotel on windy days like this do you?" the local said.

"Gee, no. What...

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This guy goes to a new bar on top of the empire state building...

When he walks in he sees one guy sitting at the bar and sits a few seats away from him and orders a beer. The other guy sitting at the bar calls him over to sit on the stool next to him. Since he seems so friendly he obliges and sits next to him.

When he does, the other guy says to him, “You...

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Three mean have all died and arrive at the Pearly Gates all together.

They are greeted by a small ball of light that introduces itself as an angel, and lets them know that due to budget cuts, only one of them may be admitted. When amazingly, nobody questioned the idea of heavenly budget cuts, the angel continued. In order to decide who would ultimately get the spot, h...

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Two guys were sitting in a bar near the top of the Empire State Building

Two guys were sitting in a bar near the top floor of the Empire State Building, having drinks and small talk.
The first guy says, "Man, this building is a structural anomaly."

Then the second. "Yeah, it's amazing how people can build something like this."

"No, you don't understand....

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There's this fly buzzing around in a barn...

This fly is buzzing around a barn when he finds a huge pile of cow manure. "Yum!" says the fly and he buzzes down to it and gorges himself until he's so full that his wings can't carry him anymore.

"That's alright," thinks the fly, "If I get a little air first then I'll be able to fly no prob...

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This is for my people!

Once upon a time, four men were on top of a building.

One was Latino, one black, one white, one Native American.

They stepped up together and climbed up on to the ledge.

The crowd, gathered below, hoped no one fell off the edge.

Suddenly, the Latino raised his arms an' ye...

The Orphan

A boy was living happily with his brother, mother, father, and dog. His father worked in a factory. The pay was ok, but the work was hard. One day, a man knocked at the door of the family. The man sat them down and informed them that the father had been caught in some machinery and had died. Th...

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Super baby

A man was sitting outside his wife's hospital room while she was giving birth. Finally, after half an hour of anxious anticipation, the doctor emerges from the ward holding the baby in his arms.

"Congratulations Mr Smith, it's a boy. Not only that, this baby has super powers!"

The man,...

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A man is sitting in a bar...

A man is sitting in a bar having a beer. This other guy walks in, goes to the bar. He orders a shot of the special tequila and slams it down. He walks out to the building across the street, up to the roof, then jumps off and lands in the street on his feet. He walks back into the bar, orders ano...

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A woman walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscaper and asks the bar tender for his best drink.

A man at the end of the bar spoke up and says 'you gotta try the beer. Its magic! I'll show you.' He grabs his beer, chugs it, runs over to the window and jumps out. The woman gasps and runs to the window so see the man fly around the building and right back in. She is so amazed she gets a beer, chu...

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2 guys at a restaurant

2 guys are at a restaurant on the roof of a tall building.

the 1st guy says, 'I bet you a beer that I can jump off the ledge and the wind will blow me right back up to this restaurant.'

the 2nd guy says, 'you're on!' (not sure if he was kidding or not)

So the 1st guy jumps off t...

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English man, French, American and a Russian are captured by hungry cannibals

English man, French, American and a Russian are captured by hungry cannibals. The chief comes out and speaks to the men, "We are cannibals so we will eat you all. But we are also humane cannibals so we will grant you one wish before we eat you."

English man is first, "I would like to have a n...

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A man walks into a bar for a drink...

...up on the top floor of a fancy building. He sits down at the bar and orders a high end beer. As he's drinking, he notices a bum sitting in a dark corner at the end of the bar starring at him. He gives the bum a dirty look and shakes his head before returning to his drink. Suddenly the bum yells t...

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