UPJOKE
squeezepresschokeconstrictcompactcompressionpackcondensecontractconvulsetamptightenstranglebear downdecompress

I recently had a procedure done on my elbow to correct a compressed ulnar nerve that required a 3-inch incision and some sutures…

Guess you can say I had surgery on my funny bone that left me in stitches.

Bee Gees songs are useful for first aid. Do chest compressions to the rhythm of Staying Alive.

If the CPR fails, it’s time to sing For Whom The Bell Tolls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just downloaded porn but the file is compressed

sigh.... *unzips*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

My friend wouldn’t stop talking about file compression

So I told him to “*zip it*”

Joke of the Day:

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying...

My friend just emailed me a compressed nsfw video

sigh... *unzips*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex just sent me nudes in a compressed folder

Sigh... *unzips*

Wrote a free file compression program.

I made zip.

What do emos use to compress files?

.rawr files

Bachelor shopping

A man, enjoying bachelorhood while his wife was away visiting her parents, lived like a typical bachelor, living on whatever was in the pantry.

Cauliflower in the fridge? Fry them with the eggs found there and that's lunch and dinner. Don't want to cook? Open up the cans of soup in the pantry...

What did the dinosaur say while it was being compressed?

RAR.

The lions roar was so big that when I compressed it ..

it turned out to be a " .Rawr " file.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you send your nudes in a compressed file...

...they have to unzip to see you naked.

Why were Gandhi's remains compressed to make piles of 50 rupee coins?

he said "be the change you wish to see in the world".

What's a dinosaur's favorite form of compression?

RAR files.

If we were compressed down to a single dimension ...

what would be the point of it all?

What is a caveman's favourite audio compression algorithm?

OGG

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been getting chronic headaches...

...and after seeing specialist after specialist, one finally determines that the cause comes from his testicles being compressed. Unfortunately, the specialist tells him that the only solution at this time is to remove his testicles, or else he'll just continue having horrible headaches.

The ...

A man goes into a Massage Parlor for his first Thai Massage

He's a little nervous because he's never gotten one before.

Before they start the woman asks him if he has any questions.

He says, "What should I expect?"

She replies, "Well you'll wear loose, comfortable clothing and lie on a mat. Traditional Thai massage uses no oils or lotio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man bursts into a sperm bank, wearing a mask and weilding a gun.

He goes to the woman behind the counter, puts the gun in her face and screams "OPEN THE VAULT!" She timidly stammers, "Sir, this is a sperm bank. There's no money..." He cocks the gun and screams, "I SAID OPEN IT!!!" She reluctantly leads him to the big freezer, "see" she says, "it's just test tubes...

Larry, the Chemical Engineer

Larry was a chemical engineer who worked for DuPont Chemicals and who was brilliant at his job. He’d been the main guy responsible for developing Kevlar and a host of other really great plastics and polymers.

However, it had been quite a while between new developments and so the VP of Researc...

A man gets into a car accident and goes to the doctor

A man gets into a car accident and goes to the doctor, when he gets home his wife asks him, "What did the doctor say?"

He responds "the doctor says I have a flukie"

Not knowing what a flukie is she goes and asks her neighbor what she should do to treat it, Her neighbor tells her "I do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One time Bob told his friend John that he had pain in his arm

One time Bob told his friend John that he had pain in his arm. Being a helpful guy, John tells him there's a new robot in a store down the road that, if you pour your urine into it and insert a dollar bill, it will diagnose any illness that you may have. Hardly believing what he was told, Bob pees i...

My wife broke her foot yesterday...

The doctor recommended Rest, Ice, Compression & Elevation.

When I asked my wife how bad the pain was on a scale of 1-10, she replied:

Broken foot: 10/10

Broken foot with RICE: 5/10

I saw a little person at a Halloween party. He was dressed as Prince Andrew but hauling around a small compressor with him.

I approached him and asked what the deal was and he told me he was "compressed heir."

What is 'gr8'

The Great Compression

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man passes out while swimming in a river.

A group of people surround the riverbank where the young man was floating.

Then, a cocky medical student pushes through the crowd, dives into the river and pulls the man half out.

He then starts performing CPR on the man, with every chest compression water comes out of the man's mouth....

Nerdy pickup line

Hey baby, are you a compressed file format, because rar.

^^^^^now ^^^^^where ^^^^^did ^^^^^I ^^^^^put ^^^^^the ^^^^^bleach...

I work at a very special soft drink company.

This company makes its drink by compressing the carbonated soda in its can to fit more in the can. But working here is kinda dull, and make you hate life a bit. And only recently have I felt somewhat suicidal. I decided the best way for me to go was in the compressor. Now while you would say this is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

Watson asks Holmes

What type of rock is this? It has many layers compressed together.

Crushed...

Crush: A feeling of love and admiration for someone, often someone you know you cannot have a relationship with.

Crush: Deform, pulverize, or force inwards by compressing forcefully.

::-Very much same

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.