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I caught my wife using Tinder last night.

Needless to say, I swiped left on that cheating bitch.

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I realized that Tinder is the exact opposite of most websites in porn website ads.

There’s tons of hot single ladies in my area, but none of them want to fuck me.

I just found my wife has a Tinder profile and I’m furious.

She is absolutely not “adventurous”, and “fun to be around”!

Don't go on Tinder

Go to Facebook marketplace....and search for wedding dresses.

It will show you recently divorced females.

From there you can filter by size.

Why did the chess player download tinder in Prague?

He was looking for a Czech mate.

I started a Tinder app for chickens.

It’s not full time or anything. I just do it to make hens meet.

Got a Tinder match.

Our first meet up, we were standing there when she leaned closer and whispered, “I see that bulge in your jeans. If you pull that out, maybe we’ll BOTH have a nice evening.”
So, I pulled out my wallet and paid for both movie tickets.

What has worse ratings than my Tinder account?

CNN

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" I'm on tinder just to see how tinder actually works" , said a girl to me

I was like, yeah like i visit pornhub just to see whether the plumber was able to fix the pipe or not

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel

You should see the faces my dates make when I tell them I'm a bus driver

I met my wife on tinder.

Well, that was awkward.

After replacing their old C++ code with Google's new programming language, Tinder can now automatically detect its users' age

This is because it's a Carbon dating app.

I had a one night stand with a recluse on tinder

She gave me hermit crabs

Why is r/Tinder so full of pickup lines?

cuz redditors can't get any further in the conversation

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Many people are surprised I found my wife on Tinder

And so was I. What the fuck, she's trying to cheat on me?!

My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full dominatrix bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.

I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.

This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.

I told her that I am looking for matches.

There’s only two kinds of people on Tinder.

Those who are right for you, and those who are left.

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In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

What does McDonalds and your tinder hook-up have in common?

They don’t look as good as advertised but you’ll eat them anyways.

An Alabama tech company asked me to test their competing product to Tinder…

I just don’t get how I’m supposed to find a date by swiping right on the shower curtain in my family’s shared bathroom.

Tinder hookups are like microwave dinners.

Done in 2 minutes, looks nothing like the picture, but just good enough to make you come back for more when you are desperate and nothing better is available

Tinder is just like facebook.

I’d like to think I’m cute but my grandma’s the only one on there who agrees.

A recent survey of women on Tinder revealed that a majority of women would rather hook up with an amateur pilot than an experienced military jet pilot.

"DAMNIT!" a young airman yells as he slams his phone onto the bar.

"Tom, calm down! What's got you so riled up?" his buddy says to him.

"I just read an article that says women wanna hook up with amateur pilots over good looking pilots like us that keep the skies safe" Tom says.
...

I came up with a joke on Tinder. It was wasted on her.

Frodo, Sam, Pippen and Merry went to Kay's Jewellers. Frodo said to the jeweler: "We are all getting married this weekend, and we shall need 4 wedding bands!". The jeweler responded, "I'm sorry, we are almost completely sold out. The best I can offer is one ring to woo them all."

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

Tinder is haunted

I have been talking to someone on tinder and i told her how much i love halloween. To this, she said "great, i have something perfect for you"

Then she ghosted me.

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

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My Ex called me a sex machine

Well. her exact words were "fucking tool" but I knew what she meant.


Taken from Tinder bio post...

Her (On Tinder): I'm a model on Instagram! What do you do?

Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.

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Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.

Mary had a little lamb.

Phone: "You got a notification from Tinder!"

Me: "Oh my gosh!! Lemme see!"


Tinder: "We miss you!"

I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder

I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, "Can I push your stool in ?"

She : "Let's see how this date goes first"

Why did the skeleton download Tinder?

He wanted to get boned.

I’d like to thank all the girls on Tinder for helping to make my October extra spooky…

All that ghosting really got me in the Halloween spirit.

Tinder is completely useless, and I don’t have a single match

If I don’t find another way to start a campfire tonight, I’ll freeze to death.

I said i liked starting fires on tinder.

i got loads of matches

Yeah Tinder is great and all

But have you ever tried to match your own expectations?

How do you know a girl on Tinder is real?

When they ignore you.

This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh

If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.

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An usual conversation on Tinder.

M: Wow, you’re beautiful, so, can you send me a pic of your titties?


W: Sure, send me 20$


Sending money.


M: Oh, they’re gorgeous! Now, can you also send me a pic of your butt?


W: No problems, send another 50$


After a while.

<...

I added pronouns to my tinder profile last night.

I'm now known as he/him/yes officer that's the one.

I was talking to a girl on tinder while at work when my boss comes up behind me.

He asked me, "What are you doing?"

I said, "I'm hard at work, sir."

"So I matched with this cute guy on Tinder last night, and we started chatting and sending each other memes and little animations. But then he mentioned that he was an exchange student from Athens, so I ghosted him." "Why?"

"My daddy always told me, 'Beware the Greeks bearing gifs.'"

My tinder date said she had a thing for corporeal punishment in bed

So I ghosted on her ass

I think there is a bug in my Tinder app, I'm not getting any matches.

So I wrote an email to Tinder's tech support, but apparently they have the same issue.

How many Catholics would you catch on Tinder?

Absolutely nun.

Tinder is like being on a bus.

Everyone is on their phones, but no one is talking.

Saudi is the worst country for tinder

Cause women there don't have any rights

What does Pingu say on Tinder?

Send noots

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So this amputee girl I met on Tinder invited me to a party with her other amputee girlfriends.

The place was crawling with pussy.

Did you hear about the flatulent Egyptians that met on Tinder?

They had TOOT in common.

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

Thor gets a hit on his tinder profile...

After a night of wild, unrestrained god-level passion he notices his date looks a little knackered.
Sorry, but I’m Thor. He says
The girl looks up and says, You’re Thor? I’m tho thor I can’t thpeak

If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'

Guy says to a girl on tinder “You can call me the GOAT” “Why? Cause you’re the greatest of all time?”

“No, cause I’m gonna eat your bush”

Some of my friends go on Tinder dates just for free food

I guess you could call it food for thot.

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So I finally got a tinder match yesterday...

And immediately I started of by asking "So have you heard of the titanic?"

She immediately got pissed and blocked me. I guess in retrospect, I shouldn't have started off with that line.

Its not a very good icebreaker.


P.s - I just thought of this while taking a shit on the p...

What do my clothes and tinder matches have in common?

Just because I'm inside them, doesnt mean I actually like them.

My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet.

I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.

Why is Tinder like being on a bus?

It's just a heap of people sitting around, staring at their phones but not talking to anyone.

I saw my sister on Tinder.

Can’t believe she’s cheating on me.

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[NSFW] I met someone on Tinder, things were going really well.

So we went to my place, started making out. I laid on the couch, she straddled me, and our hands soon got pretty busy. We started in with the dirty talk. Just as things were getting intense, I whispered in my sexiest voice, “I want you to get off me.”

She jumped up, suddenly really angry, an...

I match with a lot of depressed girls on Tinder

All I have are negative thots.

Pokémon Go is more popular than Tinder.

Another app which requires you to swipe to find monsters in your surroundings.

What do Pokemon Go and Tinder have in common?

Both give you a good chance of catching something

My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen

Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!

I met up with a girl from tinder. She asked me to tie her up and do anything i want...

Guess who has gone fishing.

I got my first message on Tinder!

The Tinder team is quite helpful

Who was the first woman with a Tinder profile?

Joan of Arc.

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What's the difference between tinder and amusement parks?

Amusement parks have realistic height requirements.

A woman from Ottawa drives all the way to Montreal for a tinder date.

They meet at a local French restaurant. Half-way through dinner her date stands up and prepares to leave. Huffily, the woman asks, “you’re leaving because I’m not French, aren’t you?”. Her date responds, “No, it’s because you’re from Ottawa, and I only eat local”

So... I matched with a Chinese girl on Tinder. Her bio said I like my men like I like my food.

My opening message was “I’m Batman!”

When I found out my Tinder date was missing a foot, I nearly threw up.

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

I met with a girl on Tinder that said she was Anti-Vaxx

I told her it was amazing, I too am Pro abortion at any time.

Here is an app idea: Tinder but with...

people that want to be in a relationship

I used to have this on my Tinder profile to introduce myself to guys...

Im like a microwave: easy to turn on, warm on the inside and if you put a baby inside me I’ll kill it.

An Indian guy and girl meet on Tinder

They get to his place and start making out. The guy is not able to get it up so she goes down on him. After sometime she feels him harden enough so she whispers, “Are you Ready?”

He exclaims, “Wow how did you figure out my caste from blowing me?”

P.S: Reddy is a caste in India,

Just started using Tinder and my success rate is amazing!

Apparently I am completely unmatched.

I finally got Tinder ...

and after a few matches, I was able to start a campfire

Why don't Catholic priests use Tinder?

Because they use Kinder.

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I was swiping on tinder and I found my girlfriend

Fuckin bitch

What's the difference between Tinder and Ikea?

One night stands last longer.

Tinder Date: "Oh wow, you’re way better looking than in your profile pic."

Dorian Gray: "Yeah, I get that a lot actually."

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Match.com is for relationships, Tinder is for hookups, ChristianMingle...

...is for anal.

Two parallel lines match on tinder

But they never meet!

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On Tinder and similar apps, girls keep asking me about my height

Are we sure these girls wanna fuck or are they basketball scouts?

I swiped left because her Tinder profile looked scary.

I was afraid I might get ghosted.

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A couple who met on Tinder are out in the countryside riding their bikes...

The sun is shining, it's a warm day in early summer, and a couple who recently met on Tinder are riding their bicycles through the countryside. They are both attracted to each other, looking athletic in cycling gear, and getting a buzz out of the sexual tension, the sensation of speed, and the liber...

Accidentally swiped right on my sister on tinder....

Now she knows I was cheating on her :(

I'm making an app like Tinder, but exclusively for paleontologists

I'm calling it "Carbon Dating"

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If you think hooking up on Tinder is annoying, wait till you try Grindr

It’s such pain in the ass.

Today I set my location on Tinder to Flint, Michigan

Because I bet those girls are pretty thirsty.

I always had a pee fetish, I met a girl on tinder with the same interest. She was pretty good looking but not a 10

My opening line was “urinate”

What do you call Tinder for ghosts?

Tinder

Tinder is like Amsterdam

All the girls are behind a glass screen.

Tinder dates....

If I meet you for a date and you don't look anything like your pic, you're buying drinks for me until you do

Guy meets a Girl on Tinder..

Both never showed their real photos on their respective profiles. They agree to meet up in a Starbucks. Guy says he will be wearing plain white tees, but wore a green shirt. Girl says she will be wearing a yellow dress and she did. Day of the meet up, guy sees the girl and is ugly as hell. The girl,...

What do you call the Vatican's answer to Tinder?

Kinder

What did Dora say to help her friend break his Tinder addiction?

Swiper, no swiping!

Why is a sketchy Tinder date like a fire?

They both start with a match and end with a burning sensation

Every good camper knows that to start a fire you need tinder.

So I installed the Tinder app. Still no fire, though. I can't seem to get any matches.

You know Tinder right? Well have you heard of the new app for people trying to find trees?

It's called Timber.

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