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I realized that Tinder is the exact opposite of most websites in porn website ads.

There’s tons of hot single ladies in my area, but none of them want to fuck me.

There’s only two kinds of people on Tinder.

Those who are right for you, and those who are left.

Tinder is for rookies

Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

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In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

I came up with a joke on Tinder. It was wasted on her.

Frodo, Sam, Pippen and Merry went to Kay's Jewellers. Frodo said to the jeweler: "We are all getting married this weekend, and we shall need 4 wedding bands!". The jeweler responded, "I'm sorry, we are almost completely sold out. The best I can offer is one ring to woo them all."

What does McDonalds and your tinder hook-up have in common?

They don’t look as good as advertised but you’ll eat them anyways.

My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full dominatrix bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.

I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.

Tinder hookups are like microwave dinners.

Done in 2 minutes, looks nothing like the picture, but just good enough to make you come back for more when you are desperate and nothing better is available

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.

My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.

This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.

I told her that I am looking for matches.

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I caught my wife using Tinder last night.

Needless to say, I swiped left on that cheating bitch.

Tinder is haunted

I have been talking to someone on tinder and i told her how much i love halloween. To this, she said "great, i have something perfect for you"

Then she ghosted me.

I’d like to thank all the girls on Tinder for helping to make my October extra spooky…

All that ghosting really got me in the Halloween spirit.

I met my wife on Tinder

**that** was awkward.

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

Why did the skeleton download Tinder?

He wanted to get boned.

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.

Mary had a little lamb.

I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder

I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, "Can I push your stool in ?"

She : "Let's see how this date goes first"

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

I said i liked starting fires on tinder.

i got loads of matches

What does Pingu say on Tinder?

Send noots

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" I'm on tinder just to see how tinder actually works" , said a girl to me

I was like, yeah like i visit pornhub just to see whether the plumber was able to fix the pipe or not

I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

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An usual conversation on Tinder.

M: Wow, you’re beautiful, so, can you send me a pic of your titties?


W: Sure, send me 20$


Sending money.


M: Oh, they’re gorgeous! Now, can you also send me a pic of your butt?


W: No problems, send another 50$


After a while.

<...

Tinder is completely useless, and I don’t have a single match

If I don’t find another way to start a campfire tonight, I’ll freeze to death.

I was talking to a girl on tinder while at work when my boss comes up behind me.

He asked me, "What are you doing?"

I said, "I'm hard at work, sir."

Her (On Tinder): I'm a model on Instagram! What do you do?

Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.

How many Catholics would you catch on Tinder?

Absolutely nun.

This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh

If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.

For Me, Chess is a Lot Like Tinder

I know a few openings, but continually struggle to put myself into mating positions

Thor gets a hit on his tinder profile...

After a night of wild, unrestrained god-level passion he notices his date looks a little knackered.
Sorry, but I’m Thor. He says
The girl looks up and says, You’re Thor? I’m tho thor I can’t thpeak

My Tinder Date's profile said she wasn't like other girls. Tall and long-legged, she liked rough horseplay and giving guys the ride of their lives.

I wasn't expecting her to be a centaur, but I think we can make this work.

"So I matched with this cute guy on Tinder last night, and we started chatting and sending each other memes and little animations. But then he mentioned that he was an exchange student from Athens, so I ghosted him." "Why?"

"My daddy always told me, 'Beware the Greeks bearing gifs.'"

I think there is a bug in my Tinder app, I'm not getting any matches.

So I wrote an email to Tinder's tech support, but apparently they have the same issue.

Yeah Tinder is great and all

But have you ever tried to match your own expectations?

Guy says to a girl on tinder “You can call me the GOAT” “Why? Cause you’re the greatest of all time?”

“No, cause I’m gonna eat your bush”

I match with a lot of depressed girls on Tinder

All I have are negative thots.

Why is Tinder like being on a bus?

It's just a heap of people sitting around, staring at their phones but not talking to anyone.

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[NSFW] I met someone on Tinder, things were going really well.

So we went to my place, started making out. I laid on the couch, she straddled me, and our hands soon got pretty busy. We started in with the dirty talk. Just as things were getting intense, I whispered in my sexiest voice, “I want you to get off me.”

She jumped up, suddenly really angry, an...

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So this amputee girl I met on Tinder invited me to a party with her other amputee girlfriends.

The place was crawling with pussy.

Did you hear about the flatulent Egyptians that met on Tinder?

They had TOOT in common.

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Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

What do my clothes and tinder matches have in common?

Just because I'm inside them, doesnt mean I actually like them.

This Corona app is like Tinder in reverse...

...first you meet, then you find out you have a match and suddenly you feel rather lonely.

A woman from Ottawa drives all the way to Montreal for a tinder date.

They meet at a local French restaurant. Half-way through dinner her date stands up and prepares to leave. Huffily, the woman asks, “you’re leaving because I’m not French, aren’t you?”. Her date responds, “No, it’s because you’re from Ottawa, and I only eat local”

Saudi is the worst country for tinder

Cause women there don't have any rights

I met an amazing girl on Tinder

Her name is Catherine Fisher

How do you know a girl on Tinder is real?

When they ignore you.

If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'

Some of my friends go on Tinder dates just for free food

I guess you could call it food for thot.

To Christians out there....

My tinder date said to me "I used to be Christian"...

I said to her, "Don't worry darling, I don't really care for those sorts of things"...

She replied "Thank God!"
"It's so much better now that I'm Christine".

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On Tinder and similar apps, girls keep asking me about my height

Are we sure these girls wanna fuck or are they basketball scouts?

I got my first message on Tinder!

The Tinder team is quite helpful

I met up with a girl from tinder. She asked me to tie her up and do anything i want...

Guess who has gone fishing.

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I was swiping on tinder and I found my girlfriend

Fuckin bitch

My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet.

I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.

What's the difference between Tinder and Ikea?

One night stands last longer.

Bible characters on Tinder

What would the tinder profiles of Bible characters look like?

Example: Delilah - Philistine and feisty. Strong guys make me weak. I am an aspiring hairdresser

I swiped left because her Tinder profile looked scary.

I was afraid I might get ghosted.

Tinder Date: "Oh wow, you’re way better looking than in your profile pic."

Dorian Gray: "Yeah, I get that a lot actually."

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So I finally got a tinder match yesterday...

And immediately I started of by asking "So have you heard of the titanic?"

She immediately got pissed and blocked me. I guess in retrospect, I shouldn't have started off with that line.

Its not a very good icebreaker.


P.s - I just thought of this while taking a shit on the p...

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Match.com is for relationships, Tinder is for hookups, ChristianMingle...

...is for anal.

I always had a pee fetish, I met a girl on tinder with the same interest. She was pretty good looking but not a 10

My opening line was “urinate”

Just started using Tinder and my success rate is amazing!

Apparently I am completely unmatched.

My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen

Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!

I saw my sister on Tinder.

Can’t believe she’s cheating on me.

An Indian guy and girl meet on Tinder

They get to his place and start making out. The guy is not able to get it up so she goes down on him. After sometime she feels him harden enough so she whispers, “Are you Ready?”

He exclaims, “Wow how did you figure out my caste from blowing me?”

P.S: Reddy is a caste in India,

Tinder dates....

If I meet you for a date and you don't look anything like your pic, you're buying drinks for me until you do

What did Dora say to help her friend break his Tinder addiction?

Swiper, no swiping!

Why don't Catholic priests use Tinder?

Because they use Kinder.

Accidentally swiped right on my sister on tinder....

Now she knows I was cheating on her :(

When I found out my Tinder date was missing a foot, I nearly threw up.

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

Pokémon Go is more popular than Tinder.

Another app which requires you to swipe to find monsters in your surroundings.

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What's the difference between tinder and amusement parks?

Amusement parks have realistic height requirements.

Here is an app idea: Tinder but with...

people that want to be in a relationship

On Tinder I’m looking for special ed teachers

So they know how to deal with me

What do you call the Vatican's answer to Tinder?

Kinder

What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?

A tinder surprise.

Why is a sketchy Tinder date like a fire?

They both start with a match and end with a burning sensation

Tinder is like Amsterdam

All the girls are behind a glass screen.

What do Pokemon Go and Tinder have in common?

Both give you a good chance of catching something

I used to have this on my Tinder profile to introduce myself to guys...

Im like a microwave: easy to turn on, warm on the inside and if you put a baby inside me I’ll kill it.

What did the doctor say to her promising tinder date that had parents who were anti-vaxxers?

"Let’s give it a shot."

I'm making an app like Tinder, but exclusively for paleontologists

I'm calling it "Carbon Dating"

What do you call Tinder for ghosts?

Tinder

So, matched with a girl on Tinder. She messaged saying, "C'mon over, nobody is home"

I went over there, nobody was home

My Friend Told me That I Needed to Be Lit on Tinder

But I couldn’t find any matches


(V2)

Two parallel lines match on tinder

But they never meet!

Every good camper knows that to start a fire you need tinder.

So I installed the Tinder app. Still no fire, though. I can't seem to get any matches.

It's great to see so many girls on Tinder with no bio

I guess they're all against profiling

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What is a family photo album called in Alabama?

Tinder

Tinder is like the ocean

Some times you catch fish some times you catch crabs

Met this girl on tinder

She told me she's into getting cut, demeaned and she's also into food.

I told her I have a cheese grater waiting for my dirty little Munster

*Spelling

My tinder date called herself "AnalBabe86"

But all she did was complain my tie wasn't on straight and I held my fork funny.

Guy meets a Girl on Tinder..

Both never showed their real photos on their respective profiles. They agree to meet up in a Starbucks. Guy says he will be wearing plain white tees, but wore a green shirt. Girl says she will be wearing a yellow dress and she did. Day of the meet up, guy sees the girl and is ugly as hell. The girl,...

You know Tinder right? Well have you heard of the new app for people trying to find trees?

It's called Timber.

Tinder is wonderful

I've always wanted a photo database of all the girls in my city who would never go out with me

What's more popular than Tinder in Alabama?

Kindling

Today I set my location on Tinder to Flint, Michigan

Because I bet those girls are pretty thirsty.

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Billy has had bad luck with women in general but to top it off, he also has this obscure fetish where he likes to piss in his s/o’s mouth. So he decides to give tinder a go.

Luckily for Billy, he got a few matches.

His matches didn’t initially know about his fetish, he wanted to disclose that information as things got more frisky.

One by one Billy took his matches on a date which eventually led to them going to his bed. Upon reaching his bed, he’d ask th...

What beverage do girls on Tinder drink during the winter?

Thot chocolate.

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