"The neighbors hate us." "Why?" "Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?" "Yeah, that was really fun." "And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and th...
First I dated a bonfire
People thought she was hot.
Then I dated a magnet, people found her attractive.
Lastly I dated a power outlet. I still don’t know why people were shocked about that one.
What did Lucius Malfoy tell Dr. Dre during the annual summer bonfire?
Do you want more s'mores, Dre?
A man stumbles on a group of people laughing next to a bonfire
after a while they stop and someone says "25" , they start laughing again and stop only for someone to say "62" and start lauging again. It goes on for a while and the man decides to ask another man what's this about, the 2nd man explains that each number is a joke they all know. Intrigued man decid...
A Russian, an American, and a Canadian are sitting around a bonfire...
...when suddenly, the Russian throws his bottle of vodka into the fire. The American jumps up and asks, "What did you do that for?"
The Russian replies, "In Russia, we have so much vodka! We do this all the time!"
The American, wanting to one-up the Russian, grabs a handful of cash and...
What was a girl who knew math called in the 1500s?
Took my dog to a bonfire...
...and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks.
I was burning a giant pile of his toys.
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The Transreligious Dinner Party
Six people are planning a dinner party: a Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Pagan, a Hindu, and an Atheist. The Atheist suggests pork chops as the main course. The Jew says, “No, we can’t have pork, YHWH strictly forbids the consumption of pork.”
The Christian says in response, “No He doesn’t! Je...
Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"
Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire
Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"
Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"
Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"...
Ok, so my neighbours officially hate me.
Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbour's house was on fire!
Well, when we ...
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My kids keep on taking the piss out my alzheimers..
Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire.
How do you catch an elephant?
First you have to dig a pit deep enough to hold the elephant.
Then you have a huge bonfire and dump all of the leftover soot into that hole.
Next you place a ring of peas around the entire pit.
Now; you wait.
When an elephant comes by and stops to take a pea, you kick ...
What do the French call a good fire ?
Two Parents Get Arrested
A couple is arrested after they get caught burning their son’s name on farms. Picture a big bonfire, but it spells their son’s name.
It’s a tense ride into the station. The parents are obviously nervous, so the officer makes some small talk.
After a while, though, the curiosity gets ...
Three men were exploring the deepest part of an african jungle. The come across a cannibalistic tribe that tied them to stakes and began a bonfire.
The chief walked up to the men and said, "Three things happen tonight. First, you will die. Second, you will be eaten and your bones licked cl...
How does Tom Wolfe dispose of the debris from his bathroom remodel?
He has a bonfire of the vanities.
I’ll let myself out.
In the Middle East during the Crusades, what was the best way to describe someone?
By taking all of their books, parchment and pencils and burning them in a bonfire
How to catch an Elephant.
You go out to the African Savannah, looking to catch an elephant. How do you do it? Well, it's very simple.
You go out to the middle of the plains, and take a shovel, and as much paper and paper products as you can bring out there. Now, it might take a while to dig a hole big enough, but it'...
A Russian, a French and a German tourist walk through New Guinea...
...when, suddenly, a cannibal tribe emerges from the jungle and attacks them. They're caught and brought to the village, where the tribe's chief walks out.
"Ah," he says, "nice to meet you! Now, we'll eat you, of course, that's our tradition, but it's nothing personal, I don't want you to thi...