My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

My dad got in a HUGE fight with my mom. He accused her of smearing glue on his firearms. She denied it.

But he’s sticking to his guns.

My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus

Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating"

"What the hell is *testiculating*?" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment."Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"...

Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"

My wife accused me of taking the last donut.

It’s true. I just ate the hole thing.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I said, "No way!! In fact I love your mother in law much more, than I like mine."

My wife accused me of being immature in the bathroom

Hell’ She’s the one who keeps sinking my rubber ducks

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

My wife accused me of always stating the obvious.

I replied, "That's what you think."

My wife accused me of cheating when she found a hidden letter...

I should've known better than to hide my X in the closet.

The Pope opens up the newspaper, and finds the headline says he has been accused of Matchfixing!

The Pope opens up the newspaper, and finds the headline says he has been accused of Matchfixing!

Although he doesn't have to, he decides to go to court to clear his name of this slander.

At the courtroom, the prosocuter asks him, "Is is true that you sent Juventus your thoughts and pra...

What do you accuse someone who keeps putting their curry recipes on Reddit?

Korma Farming.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she is starting to sound like my wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

My professor accused me of plagiarizing

His words, not mine.

My wife just accused me of having zero sense of empathy.

I have no idea how she can feel that way.

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

*Their words, not mine.*

Santa was accused of impregnating five women in a single year, but the claims cannot be true. Why?

Because Santa only comes once a year.

You hear about the girl-ghost who got accused of getting breast implants?

So rude. Everyone knows she’s got super-naturals.

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child

It’s not true. I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally!

Why did the white bunny get accused of cultural appropriation?

Because he was into hip-hop.

I was having an argument with my girlfriend and she accused me of being childish.

What does she know? She's just a stinky poo face.

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If you have a bad stutter, never accuse your wife of being a "hoarder."

Severe head trauma could result.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was accused of shitting on a chair...

When he fought the accusation the court ordered him to provide a stool sample

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years but they’re having a really hard time…

…putting their case together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A statistician was accused of selection bias in his work surveying virgins.

Apparently he was cherry-picking his data.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

What do you say to a painting that has been falsely accused of being a fake?

You’ve been framed.

My wife accused me of being a cross dresser the other day...

So i packed her things and left

One day on a farm, a man was accused of milking all the cows to keep the milk for himself.

When he was confronted about it he said, "What an utter lie."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

My crazy ex girlfriend accused me of cheating

Why you ask? Because I went out with her split personality when we were together.

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

What did the janitor's ex wife accuse him of?

Sweeping around.

My wife accused me of being a racist

Because I freaked out when I found out her boyfriend is Black.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just accused me of being a gullible cunt...

*I almost dropped my Bible*

My girlfriend's parents accused me of being with her only for her money...

But I was like: That's not true at all, I just want her company

If you lost your erection every time a game developer got accused of workplace harassment

Ubisoft

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was accused of harassment at work today.

When I told my wife she said, "Harassment what?"
I said, "I swear baby her ass meant nothing to me!"

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was accused of stealing a penny?

"Hey! I'm in-a-cent!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lady from Nextdoor just knocked and accused me of stealing washing from her line.

I was so intimidated I tell you, I nearly pissed her pants.

My girlfriend accused me of gaslighting her.

I told her she's crazy, there's no such thing as gaslighting.

My best friend accused me of sleeping with his wife...

I told him I never slept a wink with his wife!

He then said that he had heard I was banging her in the kitchen. I let him know right then and there that I wasn't banging her anywhere near the kitchen and frankly, I didn't appreciate the accusation.

My wife accused me of being unsympathetic and not listening, so I bought her a GI Joe coloring book.

Now she'll always have a soldier to crayon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy in the pub accused me of being gay...

I was so offended I immediately challenged him to a dance off

Did you hear the story about the blind guy that was wrongly accused of cheating on his wife?

He wasn’t seeing other people.

A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

I’ve been accused of objectifying women

public class Woman extends Person {

Did you hear about the baker who was accused of stealing bagels?

He told them they needed proof

A duck gets in trouble for blowing bubbles in the pond.

A flock of ducks are in a pond.
One day, a particular duck, whom we’ll call Quack, found himself upset over seeing another duck blowing bubbles in the pond.
So upset, in fact, he decides to take the duck (whose name was Waddle) to court.

Once in court, the duck is is called to the duck...

My son just accused me of lying.

I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t even have any children!

Did you hear John McAfee is accused of murder?

The trial will last 30 days

My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.

I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"

Why did 6 accuse 7 of eating 9?

7 was the prime suspect.

I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.

The plot thickens.

My wife just accused me of having never achieved anything in life because of my addiction to board games.

I think she must have forgotten that time I won second prize in a beauty contest. . .

I was accused of throwing shade today

All I did was toss them the sunglasses they asked for.

While I was drunk last night, I was apparently accused of witchcraft

The next day, I was hung over

My wife accused me of mansplaining the little details

So I had to put it in broad terms

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer man was accused of having sex with his sheep

The farmer simply replied "Fuck what you heard."

I’m being accused of shoplifting.

I take it they’re not happy.

I've been accused of plagiarising from r/dadjokes

Their words, not mine

A cop pulls someone over for doing 130 in a 50 zone

"Your drivers licence please" he asks. The man he just pulled over replies "Sorry I can't, it's in the glove box together with an unregistered firearm". "Really? You know that I have to search the vehicle now?"
"Oh please don't, I just shot my coworker and put his corpse in the boot"
The polic...

Police are on the hunt for a South Korean man accused of murdering his wife.

He is the Seoul suspect.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took a visit to Russia and a random person accused me of being gay.

Shocked, I asked who are you?

He replied Uben,

Uben GettinKok.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customers salsa.

I'm sure Jerry Lee Lewis wrote a song about that.

The rich elite have been accused of hiding the existence of a breakthrough drug for eternal youth.

Its been dubbed the "the secret agen't"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If virginity was a game....

I would definitely be accused of hacking

A woman is arrested for killing her guitar player husband

She is accused of bashing her husband's head in with his guitars because he never paid any attention to her.

In her first court appearance, the judge looks at the woman and asks: “First offender?"

The woman replies: “No. First it was a Gretsch, followed by a Gibson, and then a Fender."

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