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Accuse Jokes

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My wife accused me of being a Transvestite.

So I packed up all her shit and left.

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

Their words — not mine…

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

My professor accused me of plagiarizing

His words, not mine.

My wife accused me of achieving nothing...

So I told her "well I won the Leslie Neilsen award at school."

"What's that?" she said

"It's a big building with kids in it"

My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.

It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus

Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating."

"What the hell is 'testiculating?'" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"<...

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I️ said, “No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine”

I have a friend that accuses me of pushing him around and talking behind his back

He is in a wheelchair and we get along quite well.

I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.

The plot thickens.

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

I accused my wife of putting glue on my pistol collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

Why did 6 accuse 7 of eating 9?

7 was the prime suspect.

Did you hear that Trump was accused of having dandruff?

He denied it, of course, and blamed it on flake news.

My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I just don’t understand why she feels that way.

A barista was accused of stealing coffee beans by his boss.

However, when they looked into the case, they found that there were no grounds to press charges.

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Elon Musk is being accused of sexual harassment…

I believe it, TSLA share price has been f**king me in the a$$ for months!

I recently got accused of committing tax fraud but I have no idea why

I don’t even pay taxes!

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Last Night my wife dressed as a police officer and accused me of being too good in bed.

But after 1 minute and 20 Seconds, All charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

So A Cop Was Accused Of Being Racist.

He said I can't be racist, my wife's eye is black.

I was accused of being a plagiarist...

I guess I'll take his word for it.

What do you accuse someone who keeps putting their curry recipes on Reddit?

Korma Farming.

What did the janitor's ex wife accuse him of?

Sweeping around.

Three Russian men are in the gulag talking with each other.

They get to talking about why there were sent to the gulag.

“I was sent here for coming early to work in the factory. I was accused of trying to put myself ahead of my fellow worker.” The first one said.

“Aye comrad I was sent for being late to work at the factory. I was accused of d...

When one illusionist accuses another one of stealing one of his tricks...

It's up to the accuser to provide evidence before the magician's counsil that he came up with the illusion first.
It's called the burden of poof.

My son just accused me of lying.

I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t even have any children!

I was once accused of having a Foot fetish…

…but that’s a lie. I much prefer the Metric system.

I was falsely accused of throwing batteries at people

All charges were dropped

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.

I told her that made me feel bad, really bad, like bad, so bad, not good, and just... bad.

She then apologized.

I call my wife Bambi

She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

**Edit:** Some people have accused me of "being a plagiarist" and "stealing other's jokes"... Their words, not mine...

*Pause for comedic value*
<...

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If you have a bad stutter, never accuse your wife of being a "hoarder."

Severe head trauma could result.

How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...

My boss accused me of having OCD...

I soon put him in his place.

I accused my friend of pouring glue on my weapons.

He denied it but I’m sticking to my guns.

My girlfriend accused me of gaslighting her.

I told her she's crazy, there's no such thing as gaslighting.

What would a farmer's wife accuse him of caring more about than her?

His hoe

Source: Old Family Feud episode

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My cat's just accused me of being obsessed with Dr. Dolittle.

Cheeky bastard. If I wasn't, we wouldn't even be having this fucking conversation.

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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

My girlfriend just accused me of being too childish, walked out, and slammed the door. It was pretty brave of her...

...considering the floor was lava.

Woman on the street accused me of staring at her behind.

In my defence I said I'd look anywhere but.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

The Florida man accused of stealing a truck full of $75,000 with of Campbell's soup is finally going to trial...

I, for one, hope they lock him up for M'm! M'm! Good!!!

Did you hear John McAfee is accused of murder?

The trial will last 30 days

I've been accused of lying about how much snot comes out of my nose when I sneeze.

They always say I'm blowing it out of proportion

i had to stop my father the second time he accused me of being obsessed with Madonna

Papa don´t preach, i said

A man who claimed he'd found a £100 million Picasso in his attic, which later turned out to be fake, has been accused of selling more forgeries...

Police said when they went to arrest him, he made a terrible scream, which they've also taken as evidence.

My dad got in a HUGE fight with my mom. He accused her of smearing glue on his firearms. She denied it.

But he’s sticking to his guns.

A friend of mine who works as a road repairer was recently accused of theft.

None of us believed it was true, but when I went to see him at his house, all the signs were there!

I’ve been accused of objectifying women

public class Woman extends Person {

Santa was accused of impregnating five women in a single year,

but the claims cannot be true. Why?
Because Santa only comes once a year.

My wife accused me of always stating the obvious.

I replied, "That's what you think."

How many Soviets did it take to remove a lightbulb?

Two.

One to remove it.

Another to accuse the first guy of being a bourgeois saboteur spy.

My wife accused me of taking the last donut.

It’s true. I just ate the hole thing.

What do you call a wrongly accused art thief?

Framed

What did the chef say when a customer accused him of making spiceless food?

That's a basil-less accusation!

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My neighbour accused me of stealing her panties...

I nearly shit her pants.

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend accused him of battery?

Apparently he was charged.

A man was accused of beating his wife to death... [long]

A man is in court.

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect
any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."

Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."

Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the...

I recently broke up with my girlfriend because she would CONSTANTLY accuse me of cheating.

I just can't be with anyone who sounds so much like my wife.

My crazy ex girlfriend accused me of cheating

Why you ask? Because I went out with her split personality when we were together.

My wife accused me of being immature in the bathroom

Hell’ She’s the one who keeps sinking my rubber ducks

Why'd the accused pimp take so long to answer the judge?

He wanted to gather his THOTs first.

My wife accused me of being a racist

Because I freaked out when I found out her boyfriend is Black.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

My girlfriend has accused me of stalking her.

Well, technically she's not my girlfriend yet.

I was accused of throwing shade today

All I did was toss them the sunglasses they asked for.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was accused of harassment at work today.

When I told my wife she said, "Harassment what?"
I said, "I swear baby her ass meant nothing to me!"

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A man was accused of shitting on a chair...

When he fought the accusation the court ordered him to provide a stool sample

My wife accused me of cheating when she found a hidden letter...

I should've known better than to hide my X in the closet.

I’m being accused of shoplifting.

I take it they’re not happy.

My friend was repeatedly accused of fingering girls while they were on thier period.He denied it.

Eventually they caught him red handed.


(Sorry for my english).

Who did Fat Albert accuse of leaving a burning cross on his lawn?

"The Kaaay Kaaay Kaaaaay!"

Why did the white bunny get accused of cultural appropriation?

Because he was into hip-hop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just accused me of being a gullible cunt...

*I almost dropped my Bible*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customers salsa.

I'm sure Jerry Lee Lewis wrote a song about that.

A co worker accuses a wife of treating her husband "like a dog"

The wife was a not a native English speaker. So she responded "That is not true! I love dogs!"

My wife accused me of mansplaining the little details

So I had to put it in broad terms

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