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People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

Their words — not mine…

So A Cop Was Accused Of Being Racist.

He said I can't be racist, my wife's eye is black.

The Florida man accused of stealing a truck full of $75,000 with of Campbell's soup is finally going to trial...

I, for one, hope they lock him up for M'm! M'm! Good!!!

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

I've been accused of lying about how much snot comes out of my nose when I sneeze.

They always say I'm blowing it out of proportion

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My wife accused me of being a Transvestite.

So I packed up all her shit and left.

My wife accused me of being immature

I told her to get out of my fort

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Elon Musk is being accused of sexual harassment…

I believe it, TSLA share price has been f**king me in the a$$ for months!

I accused my wife of putting glue on my pistol collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

i had to stop my father the second time he accused me of being obsessed with Madonna

Papa don´t preach, i said

My girlfriend accused me of cheating

She’s starting to sound like my wife

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus…

I was aghast, appalled, and dismayed.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to ...

A doctor was accused of murdering someone by performing an autopsy while the patient was still alive

During the court case, the attorney looked at the doctor and said, “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

The doctor said no

“Did you check for breathing?”

The doctor again said no.

The attorney said, “so then, is it at all possible, that t...

Some people have accused me of being an alcoholic...

I tell them that's absolutely not true! I'm a deadbeat drunk. Alcoholics go to those stupid meetings just to boast about how proud they are of being quitters!

a man was in court, as he was accused of cannibalism…

The Jury was bought by the accusers claims and was ready for the session to be over, however due to formalities the judge was obligated to allow the dfendant one last shot.
His lawyer, realizing the terrible situation, stared at the judge with an intent look and said, “If you are what you eat, my...

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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives....

I said, "No fucking way!! I like your mother in law much more than I like mine."

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My cat's just accused me of being obsessed with Dr. Dolittle.

Cheeky bastard. If I wasn't, we wouldn't even be having this fucking conversation.

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There was going to be a great TV show about the Air Force, but one of the actors was accused of sexual misconduct…

so they cancelled the pilot.

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.

I told her that made me feel bad, really bad, like bad, so bad, not good, and just... bad.

She then apologized.

I was once accused of having a Foot fetish…

…but that’s a lie. I much prefer the Metric system.

Woman on the street accused me of staring at her behind.

In my defence I said I'd look anywhere but.

A friend of mine who works as a road repairer was recently accused of theft.

None of us believed it was true, but when I went to see him at his house, all the signs were there!

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating"

"What the hell is *testiculating*?" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment."Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"...

What do you accuse someone who keeps putting their curry recipes on Reddit?

Korma Farming.

3 animals are accused of a terrible crime. Sally the pig, Juan the eagle, and Carl the otter. A famous detective is brought in to investigate. He interrogates all 3 suspects and immediately decides it’s not the pig. But why?

It’s always Juan or the otter

My girlfriend just accused me of being too childish, walked out, and slammed the door. It was pretty brave of her...

...considering the floor was lava.

I was falsely accused of throwing batteries at people

All charges were dropped

My professor accused me of plagiarizing

His words, not mine.

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

I was accused of being a plagiarist...

I guess I'll take his word for it.

My dad got in a HUGE fight with my mom. He accused her of smearing glue on his firearms. She denied it.

But he’s sticking to his guns.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

Why did 6 accuse 7 of eating 9?

7 was the prime suspect.

What did the janitor's ex wife accuse him of?

Sweeping around.

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

My friend was repeatedly accused of fingering girls while they were on thier period.He denied it.

Eventually they caught him red handed.


(Sorry for my english).

My wife accused me of having OCD

I soon put her in her place!

What did the chef say when a customer accused him of making spiceless food?

That's a basil-less accusation!

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend accused him of battery?

Apparently he was charged.

Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"

During the trial, he was accused of being a cannibal, but he knew he was an innocent man.

After all, you are what you eat.

What would a farmer's wife accuse him of caring more about than her?

His hoe

Source: Old Family Feud episode

My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.

It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin was accused of poisoning political opponents, including Alexei Navalny.

"This is complete nonsense!" Replied Putin,
"I have never considered anyone an opponent!"

Santa was accused of impregnating five women in a single year,

but the claims cannot be true. Why?
Because Santa only comes once a year.

Why'd the accused pimp take so long to answer the judge?

He wanted to gather his THOTs first.

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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

My wife accused me of cheating when she found a hidden letter...

I should've known better than to hide my X in the closet.

A co worker accuses a wife of treating her husband "like a dog"

The wife was a not a native English speaker. So she responded "That is not true! I love dogs!"

I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.

The plot thickens.

My wife accused me of taking the last donut.

It’s true. I just ate the hole thing.

My wife accused me of always stating the obvious.

I replied, "That's what you think."

My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I just don’t understand why she feels that way.

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

My girlfriend accused me of gaslighting her.

I told her she's crazy, there's no such thing as gaslighting.

My wife accused me of being immature in the bathroom

Hell’ She’s the one who keeps sinking my rubber ducks

I recently broke up with my girlfriend because she would CONSTANTLY accuse me of cheating.

I just can't be with anyone who sounds so much like my wife.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

You hear about the girl-ghost who got accused of getting breast implants?

So rude. Everyone knows she’s got super-naturals.

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

My son just accused me of lying.

I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t even have any children!

A Two-Fold Accident

A man gets into a car accident along a busy avenue. His car is completely totaled, the bumper fell off, the lights are all shattered, there's glass everywhere. Irate, he gets out of his car and begins to yell at the other driver. The other driver peeks out of his window, wearing a bright orange hat....

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German language is easy.

The German language is relatively easy. Those who can speak Latin and are used to declinations, normally learn it very rapidly. At least that is what German teachers say in their first class. They start learning: der, die, das, des, dem, den and the rest just comes naturally. It's amazingly easy! If...

I was having an argument with my girlfriend and she accused me of being childish.

What does she know? She's just a stinky poo face.

Did you hear John McAfee is accused of murder?

The trial will last 30 days

One day on a farm, a man was accused of milking all the cows to keep the milk for himself.

When he was confronted about it he said, "What an utter lie."

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

I’ve been accused of objectifying women

public class Woman extends Person {

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

My wife just accused me of having never achieved anything in life because of my addiction to board games.

I think she must have forgotten that time I won second prize in a beauty contest. . .

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Lady from Nextdoor just knocked and accused me of stealing washing from her line.

I was so intimidated I tell you, I nearly pissed her pants.

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

Who did Fat Albert accuse of leaving a burning cross on his lawn?

"The Kaaay Kaaay Kaaaaay!"

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A man was accused of shitting on a chair...

When he fought the accusation the court ordered him to provide a stool sample

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My wife just accused me of being a gullible cunt...

*I almost dropped my Bible*

Why did the white bunny get accused of cultural appropriation?

Because he was into hip-hop.

A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...

Who’s Immature?

My wife accused me of being immature. I set down my action figures, pointed at the door and said ‘get out of my secret lair’

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A flash mob appears outside a police station, a man has killed 11 people!

A policeman hears a lot of noise coming from Infront of the station so he struts outside to check all the hastle. When he exits the door, an aggressive mob outside is screaming and shouting while pushing a person into the cops body.

"Alright, alright, what's going on here then?"

"Offic...

My wife accused me of being a racist

Because I freaked out when I found out her boyfriend is Black.

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A statistician was accused of selection bias in his work surveying virgins.

Apparently he was cherry-picking his data.

My crazy ex girlfriend accused me of cheating

Why you ask? Because I went out with her split personality when we were together.

My wife accused me of being unsympathetic and not listening, so I bought her a GI Joe coloring book.

Now she'll always have a soldier to crayon.

My best friend accused me of sleeping with his wife...

I told him I never slept a wink with his wife!

He then said that he had heard I was banging her in the kitchen. I let him know right then and there that I wasn't banging her anywhere near the kitchen and frankly, I didn't appreciate the accusation.

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