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Accuse Jokes

I have a friend that accuses me of pushing him around and talking behind his back

He is in a wheelchair and we get along quite well.

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

Their words — not mine…

A man who claimed he'd found a £100 million Picasso in his attic, which later turned out to be fake, has been accused of selling more forgeries...

Police said when they went to arrest him, he made a terrible scream, which they've also taken as evidence.

My wife accused me of achieving nothing...

So I told her "well I won the Leslie Neilsen award at school."

"What's that?" she said

"It's a big building with kids in it"

My roommate accused me of not respecting his boundaries..

Totally ruined our bath.

How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

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My wife accused me of being a Transvestite.

So I packed up all her shit and left.

So A Cop Was Accused Of Being Racist.

He said I can't be racist, my wife's eye is black.

The Florida man accused of stealing a truck full of $75,000 with of Campbell's soup is finally going to trial...

I, for one, hope they lock him up for M'm! M'm! Good!!!

How many Soviets did it take to remove a lightbulb?

Two.

One to remove it.

Another to accuse the first guy of being a bourgeois saboteur spy.

My wife accused me of being immature

I told her to get out of my fort

I accused my wife of putting glue on my pistol collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

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Elon Musk is being accused of sexual harassment…

I believe it, TSLA share price has been f**king me in the a$$ for months!

My girlfriend accused me of cheating

She’s starting to sound like my wife

I've been accused of lying about how much snot comes out of my nose when I sneeze.

They always say I'm blowing it out of proportion

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to ...

i had to stop my father the second time he accused me of being obsessed with Madonna

Papa don´t preach, i said

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating"

"What the hell is *testiculating*?" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment."Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"...

Some people have accused me of being an alcoholic...

I tell them that's absolutely not true! I'm a deadbeat drunk. Alcoholics go to those stupid meetings just to boast about how proud they are of being quitters!

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus…

I was aghast, appalled, and dismayed.

What do you accuse someone who keeps putting their curry recipes on Reddit?

Korma Farming.

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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives....

I said, "No fucking way!! I like your mother in law much more than I like mine."

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

I was once accused of having a Foot fetish…

…but that’s a lie. I much prefer the Metric system.

My professor accused me of plagiarizing

His words, not mine.

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.

I told her that made me feel bad, really bad, like bad, so bad, not good, and just... bad.

She then apologized.

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

On a new year's Eve, in the court...

The judge says: Why are you here?

The person in the accused seat: I got some Christmas gift from the department store across the street.

The Judge looked at the prosecutor, puzzled: That's something good, what's happening here?

Prosecutor: He got the gifts 2 hours before...

Why did 6 accuse 7 of eating 9?

7 was the prime suspect.

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If you have a bad stutter, never accuse your wife of being a "hoarder."

Severe head trauma could result.

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There was going to be a great TV show about the Air Force, but one of the actors was accused of sexual misconduct…

so they cancelled the pilot.

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

A friend of mine who works as a road repairer was recently accused of theft.

None of us believed it was true, but when I went to see him at his house, all the signs were there!

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

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My cat's just accused me of being obsessed with Dr. Dolittle.

Cheeky bastard. If I wasn't, we wouldn't even be having this fucking conversation.

A man and his falcon are arrested for attempting an armed robbery

It seems like it'll be a couple of months before the pair can be tried in court, so it's up to the police to deal with them in the meantime. After much debate, they come to a decision, and the next morning an officer comes to the county jail and gestures for the man to follow him. The officer explai...

My girlfriend just accused me of being too childish, walked out, and slammed the door. It was pretty brave of her...

...considering the floor was lava.

I was falsely accused of throwing batteries at people

All charges were dropped

Woman on the street accused me of staring at her behind.

In my defence I said I'd look anywhere but.

I was accused of being a plagiarist...

I guess I'll take his word for it.

What did the janitor's ex wife accuse him of?

Sweeping around.

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

My dad got in a HUGE fight with my mom. He accused her of smearing glue on his firearms. She denied it.

But he’s sticking to his guns.

3 animals are accused of a terrible crime. Sally the pig, Juan the eagle, and Carl the otter. A famous detective is brought in to investigate. He interrogates all 3 suspects and immediately decides it’s not the pig. But why?

It’s always Juan or the otter

What would a farmer's wife accuse him of caring more about than her?

His hoe

Source: Old Family Feud episode

My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.

It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

My friend was repeatedly accused of fingering girls while they were on thier period.He denied it.

Eventually they caught him red handed.


(Sorry for my english).

What did the chef say when a customer accused him of making spiceless food?

That's a basil-less accusation!

My wife accused me of having OCD

I soon put her in her place!

The Devil goes to God and says,

Devil: “Hey, I just wanted you to know that I just got accused of doing something that I didn’t do, or take part In at all. I had nothing to do with it! This person said they knew me and i told them to do it!”

God; “I know, don’t worry about. Happens to me all the time too.”

Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"

I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.

The plot thickens.

A man and a blonde woman get engaged

A man and a blonde woman get engaged. The man presents her with a big, beautiful, expensive diamond ring. After a few months, the man notices that the ring is in rough shape - scuff marks, dents, and scratches. He asks her to take it to the jeweler.

So, the blonde woman brings the ring to th...

During the trial, he was accused of being a cannibal, but he knew he was an innocent man.

After all, you are what you eat.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend because she would CONSTANTLY accuse me of cheating.

I just can't be with anyone who sounds so much like my wife.

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend accused him of battery?

Apparently he was charged.

Santa was accused of impregnating five women in a single year,

but the claims cannot be true. Why?
Because Santa only comes once a year.

My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I just don’t understand why she feels that way.

My girlfriend accused me of gaslighting her.

I told her she's crazy, there's no such thing as gaslighting.

In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin was accused of poisoning political opponents, including Alexei Navalny.

"This is complete nonsense!" Replied Putin,
"I have never considered anyone an opponent!"

My son just accused me of lying.

I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t even have any children!

My wife accused me of cheating when she found a hidden letter...

I should've known better than to hide my X in the closet.

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

Why'd the accused pimp take so long to answer the judge?

He wanted to gather his THOTs first.

Who did Fat Albert accuse of leaving a burning cross on his lawn?

"The Kaaay Kaaay Kaaaaay!"

A co worker accuses a wife of treating her husband "like a dog"

The wife was a not a native English speaker. So she responded "That is not true! I love dogs!"

My wife accused me of taking the last donut.

It’s true. I just ate the hole thing.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

Did you hear John McAfee is accused of murder?

The trial will last 30 days

My wife accused me of always stating the obvious.

I replied, "That's what you think."

I was having an argument with my girlfriend and she accused me of being childish.

What does she know? She's just a stinky poo face.

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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

You hear about the girl-ghost who got accused of getting breast implants?

So rude. Everyone knows she’s got super-naturals.

My wife just accused me of having never achieved anything in life because of my addiction to board games.

I think she must have forgotten that time I won second prize in a beauty contest. . .

My wife accused me of being immature in the bathroom

Hell’ She’s the one who keeps sinking my rubber ducks

I’ve been accused of objectifying women

public class Woman extends Person {

One day on a farm, a man was accused of milking all the cows to keep the milk for himself.

When he was confronted about it he said, "What an utter lie."

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Lady from Nextdoor just knocked and accused me of stealing washing from her line.

I was so intimidated I tell you, I nearly pissed her pants.

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

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My wife just accused me of being a gullible cunt...

*I almost dropped my Bible*

A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...

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A man was accused of shitting on a chair...

When he fought the accusation the court ordered him to provide a stool sample

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