Having a son the last eight years has been a learning experience, and has taught me all about responsibility.

"I'm really proud of myself," I told my girlfriend.

"You shouldn't be," she replied. "He's 24."

We've just found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. With that, there comes an enormous amount of responsibility, so I've got a question to ask.

Should I fly first class or second?

I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children,

it’s their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they’ll graduate from.

I listened to a speech from Trump this morning apologizing for his wrongdoings and taking responsibility...

That was the weirdest dream ever, man.

As the world is encouraged to practise good hygiene in response to the Corona virus...

...the government gives a poignant demonstration by washing their hands of any responsibility.

I tend to blame other people for my problems rather than taking responsibility.

I think it was the way I was raised.

Floors take on so much responsibility...

It's like everything falls to them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: It seems like you place the burden of all your failures on others, refusing to take responsibility due to learned helplessness, despite most of your problems being solvable.

Client: Yeah, I get that from my mother.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My younger sister just got a job at the mall

It is her first job, and she's working as a salesperson at that lotion, soap, and candle place. I'm not going to name names, but you know it, over there in the mall, right next to that new smoothie place where they put chia seeds in all their smoothies. They are really good smoothies, but I digress....

How does Trump differ from terrorist organisations?

Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Great Power and Great Responsibility were having sex.

Both climaxed together.

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend's financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.

That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.

Young, healthy people need to take Covid-19 seriously.

Even though I am not at risk of dying from the condition, I have the responsibility to not spread the virus to a point where the healthcare needs exceed our capacity. If I am going to be the reason someone's grandma dies, it should be because of how good I am in bed, not because I sneezed in the pro...

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