This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich...

So a man walks into a bar with an ostrich, and walks up to the counter. “I’ll have a dry martini.” He says. The ostrich said “I’ll have the same.”
They drank their drinks and when it came time to pay, the man puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out exact cash and change for the waitress. She ...

My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action.

So I expanded the kitchen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Asian men die in a car accident on Easter Sunday.

They find themselves at the pearly gates, where Peter is at his receptionist desk awaiting them.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Peter says to them. “You three were not believers, so you are not allowed in here.” The men glance at each other, beginning to grow pale. “However, since it’s Easter, I’m w...

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly.

“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.”


His new bride...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man walks out of a bar with a girl he just pulled.

"Let's go back to your joint..." he says, "my house mates are home and we'll get no peace there."

Reluctantly the girl agrees. They walk back to her house and quietly enter through the front door.

"Take a seat" says the girl, pointing to the sofa, "I'm just going to get changed out of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Royal Newspaper

The Queen was overjoyed to receive a new royal pet, a tiny Siamese kitten. But one day, the kitten simply disappeared and servants searching high and low could not find her.

One servant thought he heard a scratching noise behind a small mouse hole in the wall, so the King ordered the hole to...

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gays are very sociable types.

They like to widen the circle of their friends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hi, I’m an asshole stretcher.

If you don’t know what that is, basically I’m paid to put my hand in someone’s asshole and then widen it with special tools. Pulling, prodding and generally expanding someone’s asshole, until it’s five feet in diameter.

Now you might wonder, “u/Shredder5780, what would you do with a five foo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four men are stranded on a deserted island

After wandering for days, they finally come upon a small shack in the distance. Unsure of its safety, one friend volunteers to investigate while the other three stay behind.

Taking a deep breath, the bravest of the friends walks through the front door and finds a witch waiting for him.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

A man goes to hospital for the results of his medical tests

The doctor says to him: “Ok sir, I have two pieces of bad news for you. Are you ready to head them?”

The man braces himself and replies yes. The doctor checks his notepad and continues. “Firstly I’m afraid to tell you that you have stage four cancer, it’s terminal.”

The man’s eyes wide...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus and James

So it's Resurrection Sunday and Jesus appear before the apostle James

"Brother, it is I. I have returned."

"Holy crap Jesus! You really said you were gonna do it and you did."

"Yup. Never doubt your older brother."

"Man you look great for a dead guy." James told up Jesus'...

A blond and a brunette are walking through a field at night.

There is a full moon out.

The brunette points to the moon and says, "Did you know that the moon is made out of cheese?"

The blond's eyes widen and she says, "No, that's really neat!"

The brunette then says, "you know, if we could get up to the moon, gather up a bunch of that che...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

An interesting fact about the human body

Did you know, the last thing that happens to your body after you die is your pupils widen? It's because they dilate.

The pope was being driven around in a limo

A chauffeur was driving the Pope around. The Pope thought to himself "Hmm, I never drive." So the Pope asks the chauffeur, "Is it ok if I drive?" The chauffeur doesn't know what to say, so he let's the Pope drive. The Pope drives, but he drives pretty bad. He can't stay in a straight line, and keeps...

After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the universit...

A man is walking along the beach, when he trips over something, looks down and sees an old bottle. He picks it up and out pops a genie. "I will give you one wish and only one. What will it be?" The man thinks and thinks...

He lives in California and really loves to visit Hawaii, but he despises flying, so he asks the genie.

"I want a bridge from California to Hawaii, over the Pacific ocean."

The genie looks at him for a bit.

He says, "No, no, no. Sorry, but a bridge over the Pacific? That is too ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Drinking with Jesus

An Australian, an Irishman an Englishman and one other man was sitting in a bar.

They stared and stared, and looked again and realised it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, "Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles and says ...

Beware the Bacon Tree.

Two men wanted to be the first ones to cross a large desert near their home town. Everyone who has ever tried had either returned exhausted and near death, or hadn't returned at all. Because of this, the men knew that they needed to seek guidance. They had heard of a shaman who would give advice to ...

A young kid came back from school and learned a new way to earn money from his friends..

He simply had to say to anyone close to him:

“I know everything.”

And that will reward him with money!

The kid first went to his father, he approach him and said “Dad, I know everything.” His dad’s eyes widened and quickly gave him 100$ and said “Shh. Don’t tell anyone please.”....

Literally the guy you asked for

A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, “Looking for a guy that won’t beat me, won’t run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.”

Three days later, there’s a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there’s a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling e...

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mexican president has a rare cancer of the brain and is in need of a brain transplant. His only option is a risky new procedure that his doctor recently perfected.

He now has to “shop” for his brain.

“Sir, as this is a new procedure, our pool of brains you can choose from is rather small. Prices of the brains will vary,” said the doctor.

“Okay, show me what you’ve got. I have an important job, so I’ll need the best brain,” replies the president...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is speeding and he sees a cop on the overpass above him pointing a radar gun

He knows he's caught, and sure enough, a few moments later Smokey is behind him with lights flashing. He pulls over and the cop asks for his papers and whether he has been drinking.

The guy says, "No, I haven't been drinking. Just heading home after work."

"What type of work do you do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a restaurant...

The man and his companions sit down at a table and a waitress walks over to them to take their order.

"I'll have a 16oz Steak with all the trimmings and a bottle of champagne." The man says.

The waitress nods and turns towards the ostrich, who seems confused.

"Oh! Uh, I'll, um.....

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Promotion (long)

“Spend $100 or more and get a free 20 pound or less frozen turkey, while supplies last.

That was the promotion our store ran every Thanksgiving for the last 17 years. Well, for as long as I’ve been here, that is.

But not this year

This year, we’re not running a promotion. I real...

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC...

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

I was on a beach once, roasting a seagull over a small fire

I heard footsteps on the rocks, and looked up to see a Conservation Officer approaching.

"Hey there, bud, whatcha cookin' there?"

I turned the bird slowly on its stick, then looked at the pile of feathers. "Western Gull, I think."

The officer widened his eyes, "Oh, ya can't be e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man breaks his leg, and is going to miss a lot of work.

He and his wife are desperately trying to figure out how they'll pay his medical bills, not to mention their mortgage and car payments which are going to be due soon.

Finally, the man hesitantly says "Listen, honey, you know I love you, but we're desperate, here. I can only think of one way w...

Arnold Schwarzenegger woke up this morning with a sore head and a bad back...

... he put on his dressing gown and slippers, opened the door to his en suite shower and let out a sigh.

“Why is my shoauwer still broken?” He exclaimed. “The plumber was supposed to hef come last week.”

He made his way to the kitchen to fix himself some food. Opening the fridge, a put...

Once, in an African village,

a native man walked up to a missionary with a look of fury on his face. "My wife gave birth today," the native growled, "and the baby is white! And you're the only white person within 100 miles of here! "
The missionary glanced around guiltily for a moment but quickly regained his composure. "Loo...

Translation of an old Yiddish Joke...

One day in Czarist Russia, a poor old man and his very young daughter were on their way to town. They put all of their possessions in the back of a donkey driven wagon in hopes of selling some of them to make money. As they were traveling, up the road they saw a small group of Cossaks. They braced t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kinky Sex

A man was sitting at a singles bar when he was approached by a woman.

"Excuse me, but is this seat taken?" She asked him, motioning to the empty seat next to him.

"No, It isn't." He said. The woman sat down.

"Well, now that I'm sitting here, would you mind buying me a drink?"...

I saw my mother-in-law tying herself to the train tracks. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing.

I looked at her, my eyes widened, and said, "Don't do it!"

"Why the hell not?!" she yelled.

I said, "They aren't running today."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Original joke] [Long] A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic with ice. The bartender nods and prepares the drink. A few moments later, he hands the man a glass of gin and tonic, with no ice. The man notices and points out the mistake to the bartender.

The bartender smiles. "Sorry, I had to remove the ic...

3 Nuns died and went to Heaven...

When they get there, there is an angel in front of the gates that separate them from Heaven. The angel tells them that in order to get through, they each must answer a question correctly.
The first nun steps up.
The angel says to the first nun "Are you ready for your question?"
The nun says...

Bob the Sailor & Ollie the Octopus walk into a bar...

Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces to the bar that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for $50 a turn.

Bartender says "There's no way that octopus can talk."

"Sure he can. Ollie, tell the...

An old short, ugly, fat man approaches a beautiful woman in a bar...

He says to her:

"Ma'am I know that I'm a bit older than you, and I'm not particularly easy on the eyes, but I would love to buy you a drink."

She flatly tells him:

"No. Go away. I'm not interested"

But the man persists. He tells her:

"But wait! I'm a smart guy wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The double flavored apple store

A man just moved to a new town from far away, and one day decides to take a walk around to get to know the area.

While walking down the street and checking out all the stores along the way, he notices one that seemed unusual. The sign above read "Jerry's Double Flavored Apples." Curious, the ...

A boy and his grandfather are standing on the lawn, and they see a worm struggling to get into a hole in the ground.

“I can get the worm back into the hole,” said the boy.

“Bet you five dollars you can’t,” said Grandpa. “The worm’s too limp and wriggly to fit into that tiny hole.”

The boy runs inside and comes back with a bottle of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it’s stiff and stuffs it into th...

Graft 101.

A Mayor in a small town is trying to secure bids to repair the town's Main Street Bridge. He finds three contractors - one from Cincinnati, one from New York, and one from Washington, D.C. - and invites them all to town to bid on the job.

The Cincinnati man arrives first, inspects the job si...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

50 Bucks is 50 Bucks...

Jake and Mabel are a married couple and they are barely scraping by each year. The only time they spend any extra money is when they visit the county fair. Every time they go to the fair, there is a helicopter ride that circles the entire fair.

Jake says to Mabel, “Gee I really wish we could...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A ship goes down at sea and two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.

The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.

The man eventually comes to the realization that he will never be rescued. Sadly he beg...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heimlich Maneuver

Two hillbillies, Daryl and John, walk into a steakhouse and sit down at the bar. The two order beers. A woman next to them begins coughing hysterically and puts her hands over her neck to show she was choking.

Springing into action, Daryl rushed over to the lady in distress. Grabbing the bott...

One day a cowboy is riding in some tribal lands when he is captured by some natives...

He is thrown down on the ground before the chief, who looks at him with disgust and says, "These are our lands, for trespassing you must be sentenced to death. You can have one wish granted before we sacrifice you, what do you wish?"

The cowboy replies, "I'd like to speak with my horse."
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is stranded on a desert island...

... When all of a sudden a beautiful brunette in full scuba gear strides out of the water surrounding the island. She sits down next to the awestruck man and says, "Would you like a cigarette?" The man agrees, and she unzips a pouch on her thigh and pulls out some cigarettes and a lighter.

Af...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and girl are walking through the park

when suddenly a spaceship lands nearby. They head over to investigate, and meet a lovely alien couple. They looked and spoke just like humans, although they had a slightly greenish tint to their skin. The couples get to talking, and eventually they arrive on the topic of sex. "How do you have sex," ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler. He asks if he can sit with him and ask him some questions, Hitler obliges. After a while the man works up the courage to ask more serious questions.

"How many people did you kill?" asks the man.
"Six million jews and one birthday clown" Hitler answ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys die and find themselves at the Pearly Gates

Three guys die and go to heaven. They find themselves standing before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, past the gates they can see a long road which seems to stretch up higher and higher into the clouds, and out of sight. Saint Peter looks to the first man and asks him "How many times have you cheat...

The Missus and the Ex

A man is at a party, chatting to John. Suddenly, his eyes widen and he quickly ducks under the buffet table. Curious, John asks him why he's hiding.


"Behind you... My wife's just found my ex."


John turns around to see the two women shrieking at each other, and promptly ducks u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are travelling through a desert...

... They come upon a tent, and inside is a group of 72 beautiful virgin women that are scantily clothed. The men decide to get friendly with the girls, and not too long afterwards a man adorned in golden jewelry and exotic silks steps into the tent with body guards flanking him. "What are you doing ...

Jesus is travelling the world

Jesus is travelling the world doing good deeds to the people. One day he stumbles upon an old bearded man who is crying.

Jesus asks him what's wrong.

-"I lost my child "-sobs the man

-"Worry not, old man, I am Jesus himself. I will help you find him. Just tell me what he looks l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The old man and the boy

There once was an old man who sat on his porch all day and watched life go by. It was relaxing and interesting for him. One day, he saw a neighbourhood boy walk past with some chicken wire.

He shouted "Why you got all that chicken wire boy?" to which they reply was "Gonna catch me some chick...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were these two brothers, always up to no good.

They lived in a small town, where every time something went missing or something was vandalized or any mischief was made - they knew it was these two boys. Their poor mother was at her wit's end. She decided to ask a local preacher to talk to them. He agreed but asked to see them one at a time, the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor's jar

There was an old man who was worried something was wrong with his penis. He decided to go to the doctor to get a diagnosis.

After some x-rays and checkups, the doctor got results.

"Looks like you have a testicle infection. I need further data, so I need you to masturbate into this jar ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Radar Gun

During an uneventful evening a cop at a speed trap has pulled over a speeding car.

*Cop*: "Sir do you know why I pulled you over?"
*Man*: "I'm afraid I was speeding officer. But you see, I'm a plastic surgeon at a private clinic and I was rushing to a client."
*Cop*: "What kind of a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Sex Shop

There's a sex shop worker, and while he's working the counter alone, a caucasian woman walks in. She looks at the array of dildos and says, "How much for the white dildo?" The guy says, "$90". She looks a bit further and says, "How much for the black one?" He says, "$90, black or white, we don't...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Playing Golf

So, I got home late after a round of golf. My wife was waiting for me, and boy, she was pissed.

"Where were you?!" she demanded to know.

"Well," I sighed, "I was out playing a round of golf with Fred from HR, and he had a heart attack on the 10th hole."

"That's terrible!" she ex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Drunk Ventriloquist

A Ventriloquist had given up on life and become a drunk vagabond, hopping trains and moving from town to town. One day he got off in a small town and on his way to the nearest bar he spotted a small dog in an alleyway. He thought, "Ah, perfect!", scooped the dog up and proceeded to the bar. Once ...

A little boy is playing in the garden

with his grandpa sitting close by and watching. The boy finds a worm sticking out of a hole, and excitedly pulls it out to show his granddad. His gramps says, "very nice. I'll give you $50 if you can get it back in the hole." The little boys eyes widen, and he runs inside to get a can of stiffen qui...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alien crash-lands on Delancey Street...

And he steps out of his smoking ship, cursing and kicking the side panels. He decides to step into the first place he sees, which is Russ & Daughters delicatessen.


The fellow behind the counter is a bit startled to see an alien in his shop, but he says, "what can I get for you, sir?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boudreaux Goes Looking for a Job

Boudreaux got laid off from his job in Louisiana, so he needed a job. He headed to Mississippi where his cousin works at a logging company. He met with the supervisor for an interview almost immediately.

"Hi, I'm Boudreaux I'm lookin' for a job."'

The supervisor looked Boudreaux up and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a very depressed man named Mike walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender asks him what's wrong. " You see that huge suspension bridge?" "Yes," the bartender replied. "I designed that. It's the most sturdy bridge in the western hemisphere, but they don't call me the best bridge builder." "Why not?" The bartender said. Mi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

From the Peddy File...

JoAnne recently noticed she had hair growing between her legs. Frantic, she asks the doctor what's going on.

"And I'm getting these lumps on my chest too," she cries.

"Now dear," smiles the old doctor, "there's nothing to worry about. You're entering puberty. Everyone gets hair down t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandma's favorite joke...

Little Jimmy was visiting his grandma...

He came into the room and asked, "Grandma, how old are you and how much do you weigh?"

Grandma replied, "Jimmy, that's not an appropriate question to ask a little old lady."

"Okay...sorry" Jimmy replied.

Jimmy left the room, and ...

The Old Man and the Chef

One day, an old man is out for a walk. His walk happens to take him through the local farmer's market, where a chef had set up a booth to make the freshest seafood he could.

As the old man walked by, the chef pulled a still living fish out of a tank of water and set it on his cutting boar...

Two Sikhs are fighting with each other on the street...

"I WILL A KILL YOU!" One says blatantly.
"AND THEN?" The other bellows while widening his eyes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boy and his grandpa are fishing

A grandpa took his grandson fishing. A while in the grandpa takes out a cigar and starts smoking. The little kid asks if he can have one too and the grandpa says, "does your wiener touch your butt?" To which the kid responds no, then the grandpa says "that's too bad, then no".

Later on the g...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.