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Unfold Jokes

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

No need to worry if your parachute don't unfold...

... You'll have the rest of your life to fix it.

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

I just saw my wife trip over and drop the box of clothes she just ironed.

I..watched it all unfold.

My wife is madder at me than she has ever been.

She tripped and fell while carrying clothes she just ironed.
I didn't move.

"What are you doing?!" She yelled at me.

"Watching it all unfold," I said.

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A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

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*Offensive* A man walking along the train tracks stumbles upon a genie's lamp

The man rubs the lamp & the genie grants him 3 wishes, but a young boy nearby witnesses it all unfold. As the man is about to make his wishes, a train passes by and the curious boy is unable to hear his wishes... when the train is done passing, the genie is gone, but the man is still there, coun...

Reverse origami is my favorite sport

I love watching the action unfold.

I was bringing my neatly arranged laundry back to the cupboard when I tripped.

I saw the problem unfolding right before my eyes.

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A blondie goes to the casino

A beautiful blonde girl goes to the casino with all her cash and sits at the roulette desk. She goes to the clerk and asks if she can play being nude.

The amused clerk asked, "This is an open club and you are free to do anything you want but why would you do something like this?", to which t...

I witnessed my wife trip and drop all the laundry.

She got red with embarassment and said: "Did you see that?"

I said: "I watched it all unfold."

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A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

Did u just stand there while I fell over and dropped all the laundry?

Yes I watched it all unfold

I recently found out that the Origami school in our community is about to close for good...

I'll update more on this as it unfolds.

Two old women are sitting on a porch smoking cigarettes.

Ask they are smoking, it begins to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets wet and goes out. As she looks at her friend, she sees something fascinating unfold.


Her friend has brought out a condom and a pair of small sewing scissors. She unrolls the condom, cuts off the end of it, and sl...

A blind man walks into a department store..

And after hesitantly taking a moment to listen to the sounds of his surroundings, he proceeds to the middle of the store, picks up his guide dog and starts swinging it around by its’ leash in wide looping circles above his head.

Seeing this unfold, a store clerk quickly runs over before inte...

A guy with a mask and a green jacket walks into a creperie

The waiter knows something crepe-y is about to unfold.

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A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patc...

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Jack and Jill have been married for forty years

And every morning jack wakes up, has a stretch and forces out the biggest fart you've ever heard. Every morning his wife Jill would tell him he is disgusting and tell him that one day he's gonna push so hard his guts will fall out to which he would reply better out than in my love.

After so...

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I heard on the news that someone had robbed the Tokyo Origami Museum in Japan

The reporter said that the story is still unfolding.

I don't mean to be bad at origami.

That's just how things unfold.

My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed.

It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.

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A man walks into a bar with a brown paper bag.

He goes to the bar and starts to pull things out of the paper bag. First he pulls out a tiny little piano. He then pulls out a tiny little bench for the piano. Finally he pulls out a tiny little man and sits him down on the bench at the piano. The little man starts playing beautiful piano music. ...

Sarah was so excited to be travelling without her parents for the first time

As soon as she entered the bus, she told the conductor to remind her when they reached Entebbe and soon they were on their way.

After a while, she asked the conductor, "Have we reached Entebbe?" "No," the conductor answered.

She asked again after some time but the answer was still the ...

An origami artist wanted for murder, has been sending tantalizing clues to police.

The investigation is unfolding.

I watch a lot of videos about portable furniture.

I like seeing how they unfold.

A friend started telling me about his new found interest in backwards origami...

I'll let you know how it all unfolds.

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It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

I had a flat tire the other day...

I had a flat tire on the I-95 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!
Just as I had hoped, cars started s...

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the Hwy coming home.

So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coat...

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Penis study

For whatever reason, Saudi Arabia decided to fund a study to find out why the penis had the shape it does. Specifically the larger head at the end. After a significant investment and several months, Saudi Arabia conclude that it was to enhance the mans pleasure.

Due to ongoing tensions, Canad...

Party time.

So a man walks into a costume party, with a large semicircle around half his body, and strings across it. A woman walks up to him, and this conversation unfolds.

Woman: what are you wearing?

Man : I'm a harp of course

Woman: but your costume is too small to be a harp.

Man...

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The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, wi...

I'm going to the reverse origami championship tomorrow

Can't wait to see how it unfolds

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The tale of the fly and the lake

Once upon a time, at a small lake in the forest, a little fly was hovering over the calm waters, close to the water's edge.

Unbeknownst to it, a carp spotted the little insect from under the water's surface, and thought to itself:

*"If you fly just a little lower, buddy, I can just jum...

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A lawyer is driving at night, on the road to his hometown. Suddenly...

*Thud!*

The lawyer stops the car with fear in his eyes. His heart pumps fast. "Oh my God, did I just roadkill an animal? My name will be stained, forever!"

He leaves his car and goes to check the front. The headlights are illuminating an armadillo, rolled inside his shell. He gives the...

A car gets a flat tire

A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lif...

An elderly woman overhears a young mother and her daughter in the supermarket

"I want these cookies!", screams the child. "Laura, we're almost at the cashier, we'll soon be home", says the mother patiently.

"I want ice cream!", cries the child a few seconds later on their way to check out. "Laura, it won't be long anymore, we're almost there", says the mother, with no ...

Three murderers are on death row. The day rolls around for their execution. The first man sits in the electric chair and the priest says...

“Any last words?” The murderer exclaims “I’m innocent!” They pull the handle, but nothing happens. The electricity doesn’t run. The priest, astonished, says “that’s a 1 in a million chance, it must be a sign from god. you have be telling the truth.” And the first murderer is free to go.

The s...

A girl was sleeping in class (btw I'm new, so first time posting)

A girl named Jess was sleeping in class, then the teacher asks Jess: 'Jess, who created the earth?' Now little Johnny was sitting behind her and had an unfolded paper clip, he poked Jess with it and Jess shouted 'Oh god' the teacher said correct.

Next lesson Jess was sleeping again, the teach...

Origami

The World Origami Championships is today.

Let's see how it unfolds.

The royal calligrapher's apprentice.

In the late 1400s there was a young man named Pablo. He was apprenticed to the royal calligrapher for the king of Spain. One day the royal calligrapher gathered his apprentices for a lesson.

"Any letter penned for his majesty must be penned with Ink made here in Spain! It would be a trav...

A man fresh out of boot camp is stationed to a fire base in Iraq.

His C.O. is showing him around the base and as the tour is wrapping up he concludes,

"I know it gets lonely out here, but right behind the coms tent is this cammel. If you get lonely just use that."

Confused the solder finds the cammel, it's mangey, and flea bitten, and old. He thinks...

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A man and his wife are having some trouble in the bedroom.

No matter what they try, the wife does not climax. They tried everything, from Lady on Top to Inverse Wheelbarrow, but the wife never reaches orgasm.

Eventually they decided that they needed some outside assistance, so they went to a doctor for some advice.

After they explained their...

Two nuns are driving down the road

Two Catholic nuns are driving down the road in a Protestant area. Suddenly, they run out of gas and are stuck on the shoulder. They spot a gas station about a mile ahead and begin to look around their car for something to use as a gas container, but can only find specimen jars with the word "urine" ...

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Two knights were jousting for the entertainment of the king and his court...

The Black knight struck the king's favorite, crumpling him against the wall, bending and doubling him over, head-to-toe. With his head down between his legs with armor and body bent and contorted, the favorite reached for his sword.

The crowd cheered!

With an impressive display of p...

A priest visits a man on his deathbed...

When the priest walks over to the hospital bed, the man's condition worsens rapidly. He tries to speak, but can only produce a faint wheeze. Realising that the man is trying to utter his final words, the priest reaches for a pen and paper and gives it to him. As the man slowly hands the note back to...

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My girlfriend said it is okay to have a small penis

To roam the path is to become one with it.
We exist as superpositions of possibilities. We heal, we believe, we are reborn.
It can be difficult to know where to begin.

Visitor, look within and recreate yourself. How should you navigate this interstellar dreamscape? The dreamscape is cal...

Three people in the Amazon forest get caught by a tribe...

They were being held by the tribesmen outside the village. The head tribesman who speaks English tells them, "You have trespassed into our territory. As we are a considerate folk, you have the option to choose either Jhingalala for a minute or Death. You can give me your choice when you are summoned...

Shopping for Melons

My wife sent me to the supermarket with a grocery list, but when I unfolded and read it, all it said was "melons".
I guess it was the honey dew list.

A nun arrives at heaven's gates and is met by St Peter

St Peter says:
"Sister Mary, you have led a dutiful pious life, dedicated to God, and to helping the needy. As a special reward, we will return you to Earth to live once more. Who would you like to return as in your second life?"

"Sarah Pippilini!", says Sister Mary.

"Fine", says ...

A newly-wed couple move in together

Cynthia had known that Andrew was obsessed with football ("soccer"), but she hadn't realised just how much. Andrew spent hours every day watching games, reading commentary, and analysing player stats. As she did not care much for the sport, Cynthia was hoping to convince him to spend more time with ...

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The Old Jew and the Genie

One day, a very old Jewish man was walking down the street when he encountered a tarnished brass lamp.

As he tried to polish it up with his sleeve, lo and behold a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

"Master of the lamp, I am able to grant you one wish!" the genie bellows.

The o...

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A fly on the river (bit lengthy, bit racy)

First post here. This is the only joke I know...bear with me as its a bit lengthy.

There was a fly buzzing along a river near the shore, exactly 3 inches above the water. It was preparing to descend onto the surface of the river when a fish happened to notice it. The fish thinks to itself, "...

An older minister sat in the congregation of a younger colleagues church as he noticed fellow church goers falling asleep during the sermon.

The younger minister notices this as well. And so he says to his congregation, "For many years of my life I have been in the arms of another woman other than my wife."
The congregation stirred and gasped as they paid more attention to get the full shocking story.
"It was my mother!" He finishe...

A Man Walks Into A Bar With A Duffle Bag

A man walks into a bar carrying a duffle bag and places it on the bar. He says "My son just turned 21 and I would like to buy him a drink!" The bartender looks around and asks "Where's the birthday boy?" The man unzips the duffle bag and pulls the head of a 21 year old man out of it. The bartender g...

A Christian Pastor Talks to a man on his deathbed

One night, A Christian pastor took his weekly walk over to see an old man in a hospital nearing death. The pastor walks in, talks to the man, and asks if he can pray for him. The old man agrees so the Pastor gets on his knees next to the bed and closes his eyes and begins praying. The pastor was dee...

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A caterpillar is looking at a flower bud [NSFW]

On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.
Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking...

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It's John the mailman's last day on duty.

John has been a mailman for a very long time and the day has finally come where he will deliver the mail for a one last time.

As per usual he goes to the post office to pick up his bag filled with mail and off he goes on that oh so familiar path one last time.

As he stops by the firs...

Emigrating to America

Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate into New York.

Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed ...

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$40

Bill is out with his friends drinking, and realizes he is way too drunk and it is way too late. He has to go home. As he gets up to go, his drinking catches up with him, and he pukes all over his shirt.

"Shit!" yells Bill, "Now my wife is going to know I was drinking tonight!"

"Don't w...

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In light of people getting slapped by the pope.

There was this poor old guy named Donald who hears that the pope is going on tour and will be parading through his town. Donald was very excited that he might get a chance to meet the pope and shake his hand. So he decided to make a plan. He thought that the pope would want to meet the richest man i...

So a man goes to the grocery store and waits in line

So a man goes to the grocery store and waits in line. He notices there's a dog front of him. When it's the dog's turn, the dog reaches over the counter and gives the clerk a note and some money. The clerk takes the necessary things, puts it in a bag and hands the bag and some change to the dog. The ...

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