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A man downloaded a calculator app, but needed to pay extra to unlock the plus button

He had to pay in order to use additional features

I understand wanting to celebrate 11 additional days of Christmas for a total of 12...

But all I can ever think about is some poor woman out there got 23 unwanted birds.

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A guy halts his car near a prostitutes.

„How much for a blowjob“ he asks.
„50“ she answers.
„Great, hop in“ he says.

She gets in the car, takes the $50 and gets down on him. After she‘s done, the guy says „That was so hot, here‘s another $100 just for you.“ She‘s surprised but pleased. She takes the money and gets out of the ...

Calculator app

My 12-year-old daughter made this up.

She said she got a calculator app for her phone but it didn't give a plus key unless she paid additional fees.

What do I do?

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to ...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

[LONG] A Man walks into a bar.

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

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A woman goes to Dr. Johnson to increase...

...the size of her breasts. Dr. Johnson gives her a series of rhythmic arm movements to do and tells her to also repeat “If I do this like I must, I will increase my bust”.
Additionally she must do the exercises twice a day at 10am and 2pm. After two weeks she sees improvement and so she does bot...

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My grandma told me this joke.

An older gentlemen with some money in his pocket was heading down an old country dirt road with peddlers and wares dealers every few miles.

He runs across a man with several of the biggest roosters he's ever seen, at a price even better. He has to have one, so he says "Sir! Sir! I must have o...

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

My bank is trying to get people to open additional savings accounts,

but there is no interest.

A little prick in Church

This little elderly wife and her husband never missed a Sunday service in 35 years. I believe they even sat in the same pew. They were very special to the church and one Sunday, the church wanted to present a beautifully engraved plaque. Coincidentally, it was their 52nd anniversary, and additionall...

Toughest subject for a biologist

Hands down it is maths. When cells multiply, they get added up with additional cells; but to understand that, you need to know how cells divide.

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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A guy in full medieval armor walks into a bar

He sits down at the counter and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic.

The bartender preps the drink, but the armored man is visibly dissatisfied with the drink.

"Barkeep? Wouldst thou kindly rehome this drink in a larger glass?"

The bartender does so.

"Verily, I tha...

Engine trouble

Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain a...

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

Old tribal wisdom says that wh...

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this hor...

A blonde wants to travel abroad.

She parks her car in front of a bank near the airport and gets out with her trolleys. She then enters the bank and walks to the next teller.

Blonde: Hello, I want to get a loan for $1000,-

Teller: Very well. But I need a credit security in order to grant you that loan.

Blonde: ...

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After 40 years as a gynecologist,

John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. ...

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On Exercising

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is.

2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven'...

I DON'T HAVE AN INTERESTING TITLE

A young man (YM) walks into a pharmacy, greets the owner and go straight to where the condoms are stored. After 10 minutes the owner notice that the young man is still there and decide to go and see if he can help him. The owner sees that he seems a bit lost and ask if he need some advice.

YM...

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man writing to his insurance

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.  In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.  You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:

I am a bric...

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

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Did you hear about George Clooney?

George Clooney called 14 of his closest friends and said “Hey, mark Sept 27th, 2013, on your calendar. Everyone’s going to come to my house for dinner.”

The 14 friends belonged to varying economic backgrounds. One of them was married to Cindy Crawford while another was riding his bicycle on h...

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and ...

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

A fancy country club has a severe bee problem on the golf course.

The board of trustees decide to eradicate the bees they need to hire an expert. The bee entomologist is very expensive and the board decides they need to assess each member an additional $100 to their monthly dues for bee eradication.

Weeks after the treatment and it appears the course is b...

A man rushes with his dog to the vet, but the doctor tells him the dog is dead

The man doesn’t believe it, so the vet goes to the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows.

“I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The dog s...

Sales pitch

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the ind...

An OBGYN got tired of her career and decided to train to become a mechanic.

Her final exam was taking apart a car engine and putting it back together. When she finished, the instructor announced that she scored a 150 on the exam even though it was only out of 100. When she asked how she scored so high, the instructor explained that she got the full 100 points for her work o...

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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.

The price is 25 cents per condom, so he buys 4. When he checks out, the pharmacist says, "That will be $1.08."

In confusion the guy says, "Wait, they're 25 cents each so it should be a dollar, so why the additional 8 cents?"

The pharmacist says, "Well, it’s a dollar for the condom...

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a ...

A frog walks into a bank

He’s greeted by the receptionist “good afternoon sir, welcome to first national bank, my name is Patty Zwack, how may I help you?”. “Hello Patty, I would like to apply for a loan” said the frog. “Well” said Patty “we usually require collateral, something valuable we can retain if you fail to repay t...

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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

The vet's office

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man,...

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Honey : What the fuck are you doing?

Man : I'm making holy water.
Honey : How so?
Man : I'm boiling the HELL out of it..

*drum rolls with additional emphasis on the snare*

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