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Drug Addict Jokes

I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict.

It starts in a box and moves to a house.

A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting

The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"

The addict responds. "Okay, I-"

The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"

"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."

All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."...

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
"Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said.
"I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great."
"Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stu...

What does a frugal knitter have in common with a drug addict?

They don't mind using a secondhand needle

Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

Nebuchadnezzar -- he was on grass for seven years.

What do politicians, drug addicts and birds have in common?

They all have friends in high places.

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A drug addict stumbles upon a magic lamp

A drug addict stumbles upon a shiny lamp. As soon as he picked it up, ... pufff... a Genie appeared from the smokes.

"I shall grant you **three wishes**!", the genie said.

The drug addict, without hesitation: "Let's do a line of cocaine for both of us"

Poof... A line of cocaine ...

What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

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For class today, I brought in a drug addict to show kids the adverse effects of drugs.

This man was a real mess. He would use coffee as a stimulant throughout the day, alcohol to alleviate his anxieties, sweets for his depression, TikTok to get dopamine hits, and shitty TV at night to mindlessly pacify him.

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A washed up actor, a drug addict, and a sexual predator walk into a bar

Andy Dick finally found one he hasn't been kicked out of.

Everyone thinks drug addicts need advice

But they’ve already added enough vices, they need to subtractvice

What do you called a duck that’s a drug addict

A Quack Head

I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.

Now my jaw’s all methed up.

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The 3 ex drug addicts

So 3 ex drug addicts (let's call them Jim, Mike and Bill) volunteered for a week to try to convince as many junkies as possible to ask for help to fight their addiction. They were given by the local authorities 2 photos, one showing a small circle and one showing a big circle and they were told to u...

My dog and cat are drug addicts

I caught them doing felines of cocainine.

What's the difference between a refrigerator and a drug addict?

A refrigerator starts in a box and moves into a house.

(This is not mine, but I don't know the source. Either way, I thought it should be shared.)

You shouldn't make jokes about drug addiction.

It's a methed up thing to do.

Did you hear about the drug addict who overthrew the government with 17 syllables?

He staged a high coup.

What game does a drug addict play the most?

Need for speed.

Why are all programmers drug addicts?

Cause they do a lot of codeine.

Glue-sniffing drug addicts

A group of experienced glue-sniffers was teaching a newcomer to sniff glue.

But instead of sniffing the glue, the glue sniffer poured it into his mouth, and had to go to the hospital emergency room.

"Hey," reminded one of the glue-sniffers. "Don't expose our glue-sniffing group."
...

What did the drug addicted power rangers say to each other?

“It’s morphine time!”

How do you make 5 drug addicts clap?

Tell your server it’s your birthday

Why did the drug addict suffer an overdose of cocaine?

Because he crossed the line...

I have a drug addiction.

I am addicted to oxygen, people keep telling me to quit but I just can’t live without it!

The dyslexic drug addict became a Mormon...

...when he got hooked on LDS

A drug addict and a nun

So a drug addict walks up to a nun and sees that her clothes are ripped. He looks at her and says, "Sister, you have a bad habit."

I've been reading a book about drug addiction

I was hooked after the first few lines.

Why are all Leprechauns drug addicts?

Because there's pot at the end of the rainbow!

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A sexist, an alcoholic, and a drug addict walk into a bar

The bartender says: hey aren't you that horse from Horsin' Around?

What does the drug addicted, sea faring geologist do?

Smoke seaweed, does crystal math and sails on the *high* seas.

Why do drug addicts like my jokes?

Because they are all one-liners.

Did you hear about the most recent celebrity drug addict?

I Don’t know how we missed it for so long, but it turns out that Humpy Dumpty was actually a crack head

A drug addict walks into a changing room....

he came out a changed man.

How was the common drug addict punished in the olden days?

He was stoned

To overcome his drug addiction my son decided to become a woman.

Now's he's Coleen.

A drug addict died in his sleep...

I guess he overdozed.

Apparently a thespian friend of mine has a drug addiction...

I guess I misheard him we he said he was a "Meth Head" Actor

What's a drug addict's favorite music genre?

Crack rock

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I'm no drug addict but they still took me to the substance abuse department

All I said to my friend doctor was
"I'm a dick, Ted"

What do you call the daughter of a drug addicted preacher?

Methany

Why don't drug addicts hang out at the beach?

They don't like getting sand in their crack.

What did the train driver say when he decided to get over his drug addiction?

I need to get my life back on track

Why should you never tell a drug addict a joke?

They might crack up.

What do you call an actor preparing for a role as a drug addict?

A meth-head actor

To combat drug addiction, Christians are now rebranding herion as "Jesus"

One should never take the Lord's name in vein.

There's a fine line between being a drug addict and a recreational user...

...and I snorted the whole thing.

A research team asked a group of drug addicts who their favorite superhero was..

Oddly enough, almost all of them said Wonder Woman. The research team doesn't really know why, I guess they're just big fans of the heroine...

A lot of my friends really struggle hard with drug addiction, depression, and a feeling of indifference to the world.

But they always came easily for me.

What did Mike Tyson say to the drug addicts who were playing tag in his front yard?

Quit mething around.

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A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender responds, "We don't serve bears beer in this bar."

The bear rears back a little and growls, "I don't care. I'm a bear and I want a beer."

The bartender calmly replies, "I'm sorry, but as I said, we don't serve bears beer ...

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A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says,

"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?

"Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied....

The allergies from pollen are so bad this year...

drug addicts are converting their meth back into Sudafed.

Drugs

Q. Heard about the drug addict fisherman who accidentally caught a duck?

A. Now he's hooked on the quack.

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A bear walks into a bar...

A bear walks into a bar and says "Bartender, bring me a beer." The bartender says "We don't serve bears beer in this bar." The bear says "Bartender, you better bring me a beer or I'm going to eat that lady over there." The bartender says "We don't serve bears beer in this bar."

The bear ...

A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump.

What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser.

A sodomizer, an alcoholic, a thief and a drug addict await judgment in Hell...

The gatekeeper of Hell says, "Each of you are here because you let your addiction get the best of you. But I'm giving all of you a second chance, prove me wrong and I will drag you back to Hell!". Just like that the sodomizer, alcoholic, businessman and drug addict are teleported back to Earth.
...

One day a trendy drug addict named Rick hallucinates having a conversation with his drugs.

"Never gonna give you up." he says.

"Never gonna let you down." replied the drugs.

"Is Rick rolling in style again?" asked his friends.

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

A priest is walking around looking for the supermarket.

He sees a drug addict sitting on the ground and asks him for directions.
The addict shows him the way and goes back to his spot on the ground.
The priest starts to head his way but his heart goes out to the poor man so he returns to him.

"Young man I see that you are struggling, let me ...

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This big ol' grizzly bear walks up to the bar and orders s drink.

The bartender says "We don't serve wild animals."

Furious at this, the bear loses his cool, starts roaring and raging, knocking people and tables over. In his fury, he picks up an old woman and eats her down in one bite. Crunch.

Now, a bit sedated, he returns to the bar and says "Come ...

Why could they not hear the drug addict's cry for help?

It was just a lil peep

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Read aloud.

How can you tell if a drug addict has road rage?

They didn't cause the accident, a dick did.

A bear walks into a bar

"Sorry we don't serve bears in here" the barman says

"But I'm a big brown bear"

"Sorry we don't serve big brown bears"

Bear is angry and hits the bar with his claw "give me a beer now!"

"Sorry we don't serve bar bashing big brown bears!"

The bear picks up a barstoo...

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A bear walks into a bar...

He bruskly orders a beer.

Barkeep blares, "We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi."

Bear replies, "Barkeep, please; just a beer..."

"We don't. Serve beers. To bears. In Biloxi."

Bear bends in, motions barkeep to do the same, "You see that woman at the end of the bar? ...

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An alligator walks in to a bar

The bartender asks, what can I get you?
The alligator says, I would like a job.
After determining that the alligator had no experience, the bartender said he would give him a chance as a bouncer if he could keep the place safe.
That night, things were going alright until a fight broke out...

To ease the pain of a mother Crying at her Husbands funeral I said "At least he died doing what he Loves"

Too bad he was a Drug Addict

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