Doesn't Understand Jokes - 64 Hilarious Doesn't Understand Jokes

My wife doesn't understand why I prefer to play Mario Kart over having relations with her

In Mario Kart, it is a GOOD thing when I finish first

My wife said to me she doesn't understand cloning.

I said that makes 2 of us.

If a dyslexic doesn't understand a Korean blueprint,

Would they say instructions nuclear?

1 person in every 10 doesn't understand the binary number system.

The other guy is fine with it.

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Ladies, if you feel like your man just doesn't understand you, the best thing to do is to give him a blowjob.

It's the quickest way for him to get inside your head.

My wife doesn't understand me.

She's Chinese.

What do you call an unpainted ledge that doesn't understand you?

A blank stair

A British fellow just doesn't understand why people like cricket.

He tries, he tries so hard. He knows it's his national sport. He also doesn't care much for football and rugby, and always feels left out at the pub. Then one day, he comes in early for a pint, and there's this strange game on the screen. "What's that game up there, Albert?" Albert looks baffled, "w...

My wife doesn't understand me.

Damn it, when you pay someone to fly you a woman all the way from Russia you'd think they'd at least teach her some English!

How long does it take someone who doesn't understand astronomical measurements to change a lightbulb?

A lightyear

If you walk into the forest and chop down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down,

Do you think it's stumped?

My six fingered friend doesn't understand why everyone else is okay with only having 5 fingers.

He feels that it's an odd number.

What do you say to someone who doesn't understand this?

I think you reddit wrong.

I know a burglar who doesn't understand figurative language

He takes things literally

What do you call a martial artist who doesn't understand a concept?

Kungfused.

What do you call someone who doesn't understand grammar?

An person.

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...

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So a koala bear walks into a brothel.

He picks out the best looking girl, and heads upstairs with her. While up there, he eats her out like a madman, doing things she's never even heard of. After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.

The girl stops him and demands payment.

The koala doesn't understand. She has him l...

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman

before marriage and after marriage.

What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech?

Someone who takes everything literally

Today, I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother, Broco Lee.

I met a few of his cousins too;

The one who can't take a joke, Serious Lee.

The one is always there last minute, Sudden Lee.

The one who doesn't understand Metaphors, Literal Lee.

The one who is always throwing shade, Sarcastic Lee.

The one who is so sure of himsel...

What has two thumbs and doesn't understand jokes that require a visual component?

This guy!

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

A man spending his first night in prison hears other inmates calling out numbers, followed by laughter.

The next day he starts talking to one of the inmates and asks about it.

The inmate explains that after a few years there was no new jokes so they decided to just number all the good ones, that way they could save time in telling the joke.

That night the inmates are calling out numbers...

Mom got me the other day.

My mom has never been into jokes, normally she doesn't understand them. Pop loved them, especially dad jokes. He's gone now and moms been sick for 7 months. Oh, and I'm old and single and tell her dad jokes all the time.

Mom, "a woman was here the other day and asked if you were my son, an...

A daughter goes to talk to her mother...

Daughter: Mom, I think I'm in love with our neighbour.

Mother: What are you talking about? He could be your father!!

Daughter: Mom you don't understand, in love age doesn't matter!

Mother: I think it's you who doesn't understand...

Problem about being in IT. You go by requirements and logic.

Husband is a programmer.

Wife : Honey, please go to the super market and get 1 bottle of milk.
If they have bananas, bring 6.

He came back with 6 bottles of milk.

Wife: Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?!?!

Husband (confused): BECAUSE THEY HAD...

You're not supposed to understand, it's.. (science joke)

A student is in biology lecture when the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's chemistry."

So the student later takes a chemistry lecture and the professor...

I found out my friend is addicted to math.

I should have known. All the sines were there. He had a hard time functioning, and he would go off on tangents all the time. Such a shame - he was in his prime, his life was on a great vector. He wanted to write the next 'Matrix'. But now, he can't differentiate between what is real and what is imag...

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My wife gets mad at me for peeing in the shower.

I keep explaining to her it's the best way to break the poop up into smaller pieces, so it goes down the drain. She just doesn't understand.

The worst thing about mean jokes is...

The average person doesn't understand them.

KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old jewish man reading a book...

"What are you reading, old man?" he asks.

"I'm learning hebrew, comrade." replies the old jew.

KGB agent doesn't understand: "What are you learning hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one."

"I'm learning hebrew...

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Pussy and Bitch

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me."

He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand.

She asks him what they are?

He says, "Well, pussy and bitch."

She says, "Oh that's no bi...

A wife was struggling opening a water bottle and asked the husband for help, "Are you turning the cap right?" He asked. "Of course!" she said.

She doesn't understand Lefty is loosey and Righty is tighty

Xhyr'noth the defiler, an ancient cosmic horror, decides to visit earth to go pub crawling through the US.

In the first state everyone at the pub runs off in terror. As the humanoid looking abomination filled with eyes and tentacles warps in and orders a beer. The police and military is informed but doesn't know what to do yet. The bartender doesn't care because he has suicidal depression and rather stri...

Bill Clinton brings a dress to the dry cleaning

He asks "Anything you need to know?", but since it's loud from all the machines running, the worker doesn't understand him and asks "Come again?"

"No", said Clinton, "Tomato juice this time"

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[NSFW] An American business man travels to Japan for work

On his first night there, he decides to get a prostitute. They're going at it pretty good when she starts exclaiming "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!"

He doesn't understand the language but assuming it must mean "great job!"

Fast forward to the next day, when he's golfing with his Japa...

They say good things come in 3s

Yet my girlfriend doesn't understand why I'm so confident that I'm a good person.

A man is riding a horse

The horse goes faster and faster. He's galloping as fast as the wind can take him. Until the horse suddenly stops.

The man doesn't understand why. He wants to keep riding. But then he realized that he ran out of quarters.

I encountered a young cashier while checking out.

My total was $4.07 to so I handed him a $5 bill and 7 pennies. Confused, he said, "This is too much, just give me the $5 bill." I tried explaining to him that I didn't want change back. This situation still had him bewildered as if he doesn't understand the basics regarding math and money.

I ...

Congress has been hijacked by terrorists:

Washington DC is at a standstill and traffic is stuck in gridlock.

A man in a car is waiting patiently for the traffic to clear up but doesn't understand why it's there in the first place.

Another man is walking down the side of the highway with a bucket knocking on people's windows an...

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A student places dead last in an important physics test.

He doesn't feel too phased and boasts to his classmates that he can still pass. His teacher later pulls him aside and tells him that he doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.

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A naive young priest is sent to New York City...

... and while waking through the park is approached by a scantily-clad prostitute.

"Hey father, how about some head, only ten bucks!"

He doesn't understand but is so embarrassed he just mumbles "no thank you" and hurries Back to the church.

Thinking about the encounter later he ...

What do girls and cold fusion have in common?

Science still doesn't understand either of them.

A horse walks into a bar

The bartender asks what's with the long face, the horse doesn't say anything because it's a horse, it doesn't understand English and it looks confused. It walks out the bar knocking over a few tables.

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate after his death. Saint Peter opens the door, looks at him and says: "Welcome to live after death. What is your name?" The pope is slightly irritated and answers: "I am the pope." "Pope who?", Peter asks. "Pope Francis, you should know who I am!" the pope says, a ...

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A mute man is going on a date

He realizes he's a bit of age and could use some viagra for the evening. He goes to the pharmacy and looks around but can't find it. He goes to the counter where the pharmacist asks if he can help. The man looks down towards his privates but the pharmacist doesn't understand what that means. A coupl...

An old rancher is talking about politics with a young man from the city...

He compares Trump to a "post turtle". The young man doesn't understand and asks him what a post turtle is.

The old man says, "When you're driving down a country road and you see a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get up there by himself. He do...

Two melons are in love...

After decades of conflict and war, the people of Watermelon Kingdom and Cataloupe Country are trying to ease diplomatic tensions between their peoples. A student exchange program is started to foster cross-cultural understanding.

Through the exchange program, Wally Watermelon meets Cassandra...

Friend of mine just got his wife pregnant. Told him it reminded me of this joke.

This very young and innocent country girl fell madly in
love with this Greek guy and was determined to marry him.
Her mother tried hard to stop her, but when she knew she
couldn't stop her daughter, she said to her, "Listen child,
marry him and may you live happily ever after. But t...

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Trump..

They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi ambassador says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen here in America."

President Trump says, "Well your excellency, anything I can do to help you?"

The Saudi whispers "My son watches your show *Star Trek* and in it ther...

Three large girls walk into a bar...

They sit down at the bar and try to order a drink. The bartender clearly doesn't understand their heavy accents so a man comes over to try and help. The man says, "excuse me, but are you ladies from Scotland?"

They say, "No! Wales, Wales!"

"Oh my apologies! Are you whales from Scotlan...

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3 guys having lunch on a high rise construction site.

As they open their lunchboxes

1st guy says. Bologna sandwich again! If my wife packs me another bologna sandwich tomorrow I'm jumping off this high rise and killing myself.

2nd guy opens his lunch up. Ham and cheese again! If my wife packs me this lunch again I'll jump with ya!
...

Man walks into a rod

He doesn't understand comedy

I just feel bad for him.

One of my nephews has suddenly started getting really good grades in math. But I'm not convinced because he has always struggled with this subject.

I know him, he's really dumb and doesn't understand a thing. Plus his gorgeous math teacher has a registered history of having affairs with stude...

A Higgs boson walks into a bar...

...the barman doesn't understand.

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A blonde shows up to a bar where two of her lovers are drinking together and telling sex stories.

The guys think they're dating different chicks and don't see her come in. She sneaks over to a table by the jukebox and listens in.

"It was straight up the most enthusiastic BJ ever," the first guy says. "It was like she was trying to break the bob a knob speed record. And she literally had n...

A teacher is grading tests when she notices one student is getting every question right, but then dividing the answer by two

Bewildered, she has a talk with him. He tells her he doesn't understand what the issue is, to which the teacher responds, "Look, the first step to getting better is admitting you halve a problem."

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Why aren't there any Muslims on Star Trek?

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
As they talked the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what i have seen in America." The General said, "well anyth...

A woman buys a closet from Ikea

A woman who lives just above an underground station buys a closet from Ikea and tries to build it in her apartment. She gets it built but, before she could get any clothes inside, the underground arrives at the station and the closet collapses.

She doesn't understand how could this happen sin...

A farmer is walking across a field and sees a well...

so he picks up a rock and throws it inside to see how deep it is.

He doesn't hear a splash, so he picks up a piece of wood and throws it into the well, but alas, still no splash.

He starts to get very angry from thirst and looks around desperately. He sees an anvil and heaves it into t...

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A retiree is sitting on his porch one afternoon, when little Johnny walks by...

...pulling his little red wagon, loaded with a whole bunch of wire, behind him.

"Hey Johnny, " calls the retiree. "Whatcha got in the wagon?"

"Chicken wire, " says little Johnny.

"Whatcha gonna do with that, Johnny?" asks the retiree.

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" s...

A blonde goes to the barber while wearing headphones

She asks for a haircut. The barber accepts but suggest her to take of her headphones, to which the blonde replies she can't cause otherwise she'll die.

The barber is confused, but decides to start cutting her hair anyway. Halfway, the barber asks again if the blonde can remove her headphones...

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