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Doctors Office Jokes

In a doctors office

Woman: “Doctor, how is he? Any news?”


Doctor: “Well the important thing is, he’s going to be fine.”


Woman: “Oh thank God!”


Doctor: “But, you must prepare yourself, the head trauma he sustained has had certain effects on his personality.


Woman: “Oh no!”
...

Young couple at doctors office

Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,

"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need...

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A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills

A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills.

The doctor asked, "Why only 3?"

The man said, "Well, Friday my secretary is coming over, Saturday my girlfriend is coming over, and Sunday, my wife is coming home form her vacation".

The doctor said, "That's...

I had to get my blood drawn at the doctors office the other day

And the nurse didn’t even bring her colored pencils.

Blonde walks into a doctors office and says:

"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?

When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...

When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...

When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...

When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"

The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

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A guy goes into a doctors office and tells his doctor he wants to live forever

The doctor says “sure I can make you live forever, but you have to do exactly as I say”

The guy eagerly agrees.

The doctor says “first you must cut out all sugar in your diet. No exceptions, come back in a month and I will give you the next step.”

The guy goes home, and for the ...

I just got out of the doctors office.

Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty.

Me: Like what, burgers and fries?

Dr: No, fatty, don't eat anything.

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I went to the doctors office the other day and found out ...

...my new doctor is a young, female, and drop-dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and il check it out."

I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny".

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I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

A young couple walks into the doctors office.

The wife start complaining to the doc: "look, we have been married for three weeks but he hasn't even tried to touch me downthere". The doc says "well we'll fix that, please strip down and lay overthere" the doc turns to the man and tells him to watch closely.
While the man watches, the doc give...

I'll open a bar and call it "The Doctors Office"

Motto: Get your shots here

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A man walks into the doctors office

"What seems to be the problem?" Asks the elderly receptionist.
"Somethings wrong with my dick!"
"Sir!" The receptionist exclaimed "you can't say that in front of everyone! You just embarrassed me and you embarrassed everyone in the waiting room."
"Well you asked" said the man.
"Yah but y...

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It’s a rainy Tuesday and a dwarf lady runs into a doctors office in tears.

She sobs and tells the doctor “I can’t stand it any more, every time it rains I get a terrible pain in my crotch! Can you help me?”

The doctor is rightly baffled by this, so he asks the lady to get on the table so he can examine her. Straight away he says “Ah I can see the issue, and I’m sure...

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A man with a huge penis walks into the docs office...

A man with a huge penis walks into the doctors office and says D-d-d-d-oc y-y-y-ou n-n-need to h-h-h-help m-m-m-me!

The very puzzled doctor looked at this man and wondered what was going on. He did a few tests and found that he isn't getting enough blood flow to his head as its being directed...

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(NSFW)A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office..

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is blown away by how stunningly awesome she is that all his professionalism goes right out the window..

He tells her to take off her pants, she does and he begins to start rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I'm...

so a guy walks into te doctors office,

and he says "hey man, I have really bad back pain" the doctor asks why, and the guy says "Well I came home from work, to find wife in bed naked, and it was obvious there was another guy there, so I started looking. I go over to the window, and see a naked guy running down the street. so I grabbed th...

A man walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but saran wrap.

The doctor says; "Well I can clearly see you're nuts."

Why did the alcoholic go to the doctors office?

Because he thought there would be shots.

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A pirate walks into the doctors office with a steering wheel on his penis

The Doctor asks "Sir, doesn't that hurt?"
and the Pirate replies "Aye, it be driving me nuts!"

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An old man goes to the doctors office. The doctor asks "what's the problem?"



The old man says, "I had an erection."

The doctor looks at the patient's chart and says, "I see you've been prescribed Viagra for your blood pressure. That's a common side effect. How long has it lasted?"

The old man replies, "only 10 minutes."

The doctor says, "...

a man goes into a doctors office for a prostate exam

The patient says "hey doc where should I put my pants?"
The doctor says "ah just put them next to mine"

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At the doctors office

I went to the doctors office due to a strange abdominal pain. My doctor adviced me to stop masturbating. "Is it dangerous?" I asked. "No", said the doctor " but it disturbs my concentration".

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So a guy walks into the doctors office...

...and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"

"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."

The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going to have to stop masturbating for a little while."
<...

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An old man goes to the doctors office. ..

As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me w...

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A woman walks into a doctors office

After getting through the door she stomps her way to the reception desk. Not waiting for even a greeting she blows up " I WANNA TALK TO DOCTOR JOHNSON AND I WANNA TALK TO THAT MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT NOW!" With eyes the size of dinner plates the receptionist rushes to retrieve the doctor. Moments later ...

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Man walks to a doctors office to show his blue penis. [NSFW]

Doctor takes a look a says "it's gangrene, I am sorry but we have to amputate it right now".

After several weeks, the same man comes back and says "Doctor, now my thighs are blue!"

Doctor takes a look again and ask "you haven't wash your new jeans? It looks like the stain a little bit....

An elderly man and his wife are in the doctors office

the doctor says to the man "I'm going to need a a urine sample, a blood sample, and a stool sample."

the man turns to his wife "What did he say?, he needs what?"

the wife yells "Just give him your underpants."

A man walks into a doctors office.

The doctor asks what’s bothering the man and he says “Doc, I’ve eaten something that disagrees with me” Just then his stomach rumbles and says “No you didn’t”

A man goes into the doctors office

"Doctor,doctor" he says, "I keep thinking I'm a small city"

The doctor does some tests and says, "I'm sorry. You have town syndrome"

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A guy walks into a doctors office

and sits down on the table. The doctor asks him “what’s going on?” The guy says “d-d-doctor, I d-d-don’t know w-w-whats g-g-going on. I c-c-can’t st-st-stop st-st-stuttering!” So the doctor calms him down and says “we’ll need to do a throughout physical examination to see what’s the root cause of th...

A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”

A wife waits outside the doctors office while her husband is in there with him. After a short time, he comes out, crying....

Wife - "Honey, what's wrong?"

Husband - "The doc told me I have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life!"

Wife - "Well, that's not so bad, I thought it was something much worse!"

Husband - "He only gave me three of them...."

A angry woman storms into the doctors office

dragging her nine-year-old son behind her. She goes up to the doctor and asks, "Can a nine year old legally perform an appendectomy?"

"No..." the doctor replies, frowning.

The mother turns angrily to her son. "See, what did I tell you?" She says,

"Now put it back!"

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Went to the doctors office and described the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

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A guy walks into a doctors office

for his appointment. Waiting in the the lobby, his name is called. He then follows the nurse into the examining room. She instructs him to remove his cloths and put on the hospital gown, then leaves the room.

After a few minutes of waiting, there’s a knock on the door, and the doctor walks in...

An old lady walks into the doctors office...

She said "Doctor, I fart constantly, but they are always silent, and never smell. In fact, I've farted 8 times since you walked in this room!"

The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to come back in 2 weeks.

2 weeks later she comes in and when the doctor arrives in the exam ro...

What did the German celiac patient say when he walked into the doctors office?

Gluten tag!

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Patient walks into the doctors office

Patient walks into a doctor’s private office and sees that the doctor has a worried look on his face. The patient asks with a nervous smile “what’s wrong doc, what’s wrong with me?”
The doctor looks at him and asks “can you tell me if your family has any history of Alzheimer’s or dementia”
...

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A woman heads to the doctors office

for her usual checkup. While there, the doc notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it,
"Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sex."
The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup. While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on he...

A man with a list of symptoms goes to the doctors office

A man shuffles into the doctors office, hunched over, wheezing, and clutching his stomach.

Man: “hi doc, I’ve been in constant pain.”

Doctor: “What’s the matter? Tell me the most prevalent symptoms.”

Thinking, the man slowly replies

Man: “ I have aches all over, I have a...

A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.

"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.

"What are they?"

"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."

"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.

"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."

The man laughs and says, "Well, at l...

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were in a doctors office and they were all pregnant..

The brunette says, " I know I'm having a boy because I was on the bottom."
The redhead says "Then I must be having a girl because I was on the top!"
The blonde starts sobbing uncontrollably and the two other girls start comforting her asking what's wrong...
The blonde looks at them through...

A man rushed into the doctors office shouting

"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" He said.

The doctor calmly replied, "Now settle down, you'll just have to be a little patient"

I’m never going back to the doctors office ever again

They profit off the sick!

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A girl came in the doctors office and said

You have to help me, each time I sneeze I have an orgasm. How long have you suffered from this? I don’t actually suffer as such ...
Well then are you taking anything for it?
Not unless you count the pepper.....

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(NSFW) Guy walks into the Doctors Office and says....

"DDDDDoc, I've beeeeen stutttttttering for yeeears, and IIII'm tired of it. Cccccan yyyou helllp me?"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on." So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.

The guy says, "Weeell wwwhat is it, dddoc...

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A man walks into his doctors office....

A man walks into his doctors office with one side of his face bruised and beat up.

“Good lord!” the doctor said. “What in the world happened?”

“Well” the man said, “I was sitting there in church, and when the preacher said ‘all rise’, this woman in front of me stood up and her skirt wa...

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