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Impair Jokes

Did you know there was a cult for visually impaired?

They follow their leader blindly

Why did the visually impaired man fall down the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

The bad news is, one of the earliest signs of cognitive impairment is the inability to finish sentences.

The good news Is

Did you know that marijuana can impair your short-term memory?

And, did you know that marijuana can impair your short-term memory?

I’ve been trying for years to divorce my hearing-impaired wife but she is so mad

She refuses to sign anything

What kind of music do hearing-impaired people listen to?

Deaf Metal

What do you call a visually impaired obese poker player?

Big Blind

My hearing-impaired GF left me for a hearing-impaired man.

I should have seen the signs.

I gave a speech at a school for those with hearing impairments

Too bad it fell on deaf ears

A joke for visually impaired Canadians...

So there's this guy who gets up every morning at the same time for work. Every morning he sees his neighbor, who is blind, leave his house with his white cane and go for a walk.

Well one morning the guy gets up and looks out his window and sees his blind neighbor, but to his astonishment, the...

I’m visually impaired and the other day I decided to go to the shop

I walked into the shop

and then I went inside.

What did the speech impaired man say after doing to many drugs?

I’m all Meth’d up...

Two young, slightly speech-impaired brothers decide to join a class that will teach them fencing.

After a good while in the class, these brothers were exceptional when it came to their offense. However, they noticed their instructor avoided all non-combative techniques.

One of the brothers, Phineas, decided he would confront the instructor on this issue. However, due to the previously men...

What do a visually impaired gynaecologist and dogs have in common?

Wet noses

At the school for the hearing impaired...

...no one can hear you scream!

I couldn’t believe it when I looked out my window and saw my seeing-impaired neighbour cutting his lawn.

It was blind-mowing!

I have an amazing gardener who's both vision impaired and dyslexic.

His work is Mind BLowing

I used to sell drugs to kids at the school for the visually impaired until I was caught...

Luckily they turned a blind eye.

I've been volunteering a lot with the hearing impaired lately:

I couldn't care less about them as a group, but it's the only way to find a girlfriend who is completely mute.

The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog.

I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".

Why does the speech impaired baker say he got fired?

He took one too many whisks.

What does Yoda say when he is drunk?

Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech

What do you call a mentally impaired French Man that cant say no?

A Oui-Tard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

little long, but might be worth it

There once was a lady who was hearing impaired, A man had asked her to go canoeing on the river. As they were on the river they get to the fork and the man says " do you wanna go up or down " ? She exclaims !!! "OH My" pulls down her pants and they proceed to get it on. The next day he again asks if...

Blonde Joke

An old visually impaired cattle rustler meanders into an all-young lady biker bar by misstep...
He discovers his way to a bar stool and requests an injection of Jack Daniels.
Subsequent to staying there for some time, he shouts to the barkeep, 'Hello, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The b...

A doctor, a philanthropist, and an engineer are playing a round of golf behind a group of blind golfers.

As they wait for the impaired golfers to painstakingly finish the next hole, the doctor says "What a motivating sight. I'm inspired to start a clinic for visually impaired people in order that they might better pursue their dreams."
The philanthropist nods in agreement and says "That's a worthy...

I was attacked by a politically correct zombie.......

I screamed “oh no a zombie!”
And he replied “ummm actually the term is living impaired”

A Tourist is Trudging Through Australia's Desert

A tourist is trudging through Australia’s Great Victoria Desert. …

He’s completely lost, and he’s quickly running out of water. His vision is rather impaired, and he can tell that he’s only got a few more hours before he’ll pass out.

Suddenly, he accidentally steps on a rattlesnake! Be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar (LONGish?)

And walks straight to the counter to order a drink. Sitting down, he grabs his drink and starts up some casual talk with the bartender. After about five minutes, he pulls out a miniature piano. The bartender is understandably confused. After asking about it, the man replies, “watch this” and proceed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One eared Admiral

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Navy and eventually became an Admiral. During his career he was always sensitive about his appe...

Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I get super sad and want to hug them.

I know life is tough for the visually impaired.

Two patients are sitting in a waiting room.

One of the patients, who has a speech impairment, asks the other patient,
"H-h-hi t-there. W-w-what are y-you here f-f-for?"
The other replies, "I have an issue with my prostate."
"W-w-what's the p-problem?"
The other answers, "Well, the way you talk is the way I pee."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard they were making a new Power Rangers show, so I checked it out.

Since the producers wanted to show to be more fluid to all people, they decided to bring in new rangers. They had all the usual colored rangers, but then they started to add a few more as the show went on.


There were three new rangers that had different disabilities. One was colored ora...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man grabs a seat at the bar...

An old man grabs a seat at the bar and order a double scotch, which the barman promptly serves him. After drinking all his glass in one shot, he asks for another one, which the barman serves him.

The old man then say "How about a little friendly bet my friend?". The barman repond "why not" a...

Wood eye and Hairlip

It's time for the annual school dance, and this boy with a wooden eye is having problems getting a date. After being rejected by multiple girls, he settles on one girl that also has an impaired physical appearance, except she has a deformed top lip of her mouth.

She says yes and when the scho...

Asked my friend to make up a joke about two Canadians and a Bear

A visually impaired Canadian is notified that a bear has broken into his house and is eating all his food.

He hurries home and into the kitchen, where he finds A: his hairy housemate and B: a bear.

But he doesn't know which is which!

"Shoot us both," the housemate says, "it's th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Farmer's New Addition

There once was a farmer who owned luscious pastures. He proudly looked over them everyday. He always took care of all of his animals.

Though one day he had brought in a new foal, a chestnut coloured one, that he thought was adorable.

He got him on the farm but the foal looked nervous ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

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