Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because 4 was 2^(2).

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

If i had a dime for every time i didn’t understand what’s going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her.

I swam up to the surface instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's actually a mathematical formula to describe all the Republicans lining up to pretend like the January 6th attack didn't happen.

It's called the Fibbing Nazi Sequence.

A woman went out for drinks one night and didn't come home till morning.

The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man, not believing her, decided to call his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

The following week it was the man's turn not to come home one night. The following day he told his wife that he had sle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife didn’t understand why the Umbrella salesman was being so vague.

I had to remind her it’s a shady business.

What happened to the Indian girl that didn’t want to eat her dinner?

She got sent to bed for naancompliance

Why didn't Indiana Jones have a Nokia phone?

Because he was too afraid of the Snake game.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me.

Now all I have is pain.

The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant.

Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

If batman didn't fight crime, he would have opened a vineyard...

... Because he brews wine.

(Sorry)

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My pregnant wife asked me why I didn't get the clothes from the dryer

My pregnant wife asked me why I didn't get the laundry from the dryer once they were done.

I apologized "honey, I'm sorry, but you know my pull out game is weak."

My son was walking shirtless showing his 6 pack abs proudly and said 'This didn't happen by accident'

I said ' if you ask your mother,she would tell a different answer' .

If I had a dollar for everytime I didn't know what was going on

I would be like: "why is everyone giving me all this money?"

Nikita Khrushchev is giving a speech on the necessity of de-Stalinizing the country. Someone in the crowd yells "And why didn't you do anything about it before Stalin died?!"

Khrushchev stands straight up and bellows "WHO SAID THAT?!?", looking left and right. When there is absolute silence and no one owns up to it, he says (in a normal voice) "That is why".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I didn't have sex with my wife until after we were married. Did you?"

"I don't know. What's her maiden name?"

Why didn't Genghis Khan's army move when he said "Charge"?

Because none of them understand English.

Why didn't the cyclist pedal on the highway?

Because he was two tired.

I didn't want a brain Transplant

But then they changed my mind

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Be...

The new Joker went to see a doctor for his mental health, but didn't make an appointment.

It was a Joaquin.

Why didn't any dogs agree to follow the first one (Laika) into space?

Because they realized that space was really just a giant vacuum.

Why didn't the bank robbers steal the car?

Because it was too heavy and made their arms hurt.

My mechanic tried to scam me because he didn’t think I knew about cars

I took my car to get an oil change and they were like “would you like us to rotate your tires?” I was like “Ummm. I rotated them a bunch on the way over jackass!”

Why didn't the redneck purchase the universe?

Way too expansive.

I sued the airport the other day because they didn’t want to give me my luggage

Guess what, I lost the case

I didn't want to hurt myself, but it was a particularly gloomy rainy day. I wasn't in the best of mood lately. My hands were full of blood now, and yet I still had this itching urge to hurt, to kill...

those damned mosquitoes.

My mom didn't like my report card...

I said Okay.

Mom: I want more A's.

Me: Okaaaaaaaaaay.

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

My friend didn't believe me when I told her I could build a car entirely out of spaghetti.

She was very skeptical, but you should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

What did the talking pony who had laryngitis and didn't understand humor say to the doctor?

I'm having a hard time speaking clearly.

Bad eye sight (Possibly a repost but I didn't want to keep scrolling past page 30276 to confirm)

Patient: “doctor i think my eye sight is deteriorating. I cant see very far”


Doctor: “really? come over to the window. Now what is that big round yellow thing in the sky?”


Patient: “well that's the sun”


Doctor: “yep! so how much further do you want to see”

Some laws that we didn't learn at school

01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*

Once your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*

When u dial a wrong numbe...

I got in a bunch of trouble for something I didn't even do...

... it was my homework

Why didn't the prisoner stop talking?

Because he had a really long sentence.

A woman didn't know how to speak Spanish but was married to a Spanish man and together, they resided in Spain.

Once she went to the market to buy some chicken legs. She lifted her skirt a little and pointed to her legs so that the shopkeeper is able to understand her.

Another time, she had to buy chicken breast so she pointed to her bosom so that the shopkeeper is able to understand her

Once s...

I told a joke about an airplane to my friends, but they didn't laugh.

It flew over their heads.

Why didn't the cannibal eat children?

He was trying to save a little face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road

Because he didn't have the guts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn't the Tampons go to the Sanitary Pad's birthday party?

Because they're all stuck up cunts

Han Solo didn’t like his steak…

… because it was Chewy.

Am man fell into a big river in Uganda, Tanzania but didn't believe it.

I guess you could say he was in deNile

It is a good thing for Bezos he didn't go to r/jokes for rocket advice

90% of the stuff you people come up with never lands

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the...

One eyed guy goes fishing without any word or notice to his wife. Has a great trip, comes home sunburnt with a cooler full of fish fillets. Wife meets him at the door, screaming, "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF YOU DIDN'T SEE ME FOR TWO DAYS?!". Guy answers without thinking, "That'd be freakin' GREAT!".

So the rest of that night, he doesn't see her. Next day, doesn't see her. Third day? He finally sees her.

She says "So, smart ass? How was that?"

.

.

.

He says, "Punch me again, it was better when I was all swollen and couldn't see you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

They didn’t remove the right one.

Request: Little brother was just diagnosed with testicular cancer. Lefty is a goner, but as the older brother, I feel the obligation to have some good jokes ready to help him feel better. Unfortunately the title is as good as funny as I get, so please help a brother out. Thanks.
Edit he’s in his ...

Why didn't the guy date the model with no legs?

He was lack toes intolerant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

If skunks didn't have their protective smell...

They would go ex-stinked.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

Jesus and Moses walking on the beach.

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son ...

Why didn't the lawyer get drunk?

>!Because he passed the bar.!<

I didn't see anyone smiling at my joke in that room

It was pretty dark.

This morning when I started work, my boss called me and said, “You missed work yesterday, didn’t you?!”

I said, “No, not particularly.”

I went out with a girl who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around.

I told her, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, ...

Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack!

Just a dad with some dad jokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn’t know what to wear to my Premature Ejaculation Support Group

So I just came in my pants

Why didn't anyone want the free phone cables?

Because they were free of charge!

My friend at work got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine and said he didn't feel too good the next day

I told him, "What do you expect from taking two Johnsons at once?"

Why didn’t they make two Yogi Bears?

Because they made a Boo-Boo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn’t the dinosaur play baseball?

Because it’s fucking dead.

I got kicked out of my local Mime troupe yesterday. They didn't like me too much...

I guess it was something I said.

Lockdown was great! I didn't work, i didn't socialise, i barely left the house.

Same as usual, except i didn't feel guilty.

My friend didn't take one of his power tools seriously.

Luckily it was just a drill.

In today’s European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn’t seem to have an issue at all.

Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife of a very rich man dies from illness.

To honor her, the widower announces a big funeral in his huge resort, where everyone they knew is invited. The guests arrive, and after the first day is over, everyone is preparing to go to sleep. As there are not enough rooms to accommodate everyone, the widower had 2 grand salons prepared with bed...

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remembered this joke a while ago, and didn't see it on this sub, so decided to share.

Before the start of the lesson, the girls from Johnny's class come to see the teacher to complain about Johnny's inappropriate comments towards them.

The teacher told the girls to walk out of the class the next time they get offended by one of Johnny's comments and she will then deal with him...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I divorced my wife because I wanted to make love on a plane but she didn’t…

…she just never gave a flying fuck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

Why didn't Ken and Barbie ever have kids?

Because Ken comes in a different box

A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.

He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dol...

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

An engineer dies and goes to hell

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and uncle...

What's better than enchiladas?

n+1 chiladas.

(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny).

Why didn't Thor go to the party with his brother?

Because it was too Loki for his taste.

Why didn’t the police arrest the amputee?

He was unarmed.

Why the hell didn't Kylo Ren become a damn pilot ?

Because he's a damn driver !

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and would be IMMENSELY good in bed”.

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Sam. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won’t run away”.
“What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Sam replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

Why didn't Gandalf bring hookers to Bilbo's birthday party?

Because he is not a conjurer of cheap tricks.

A Karen boards a flight to Paris and takes a seat in first class that is not hers.

The first flight attendant politely asked her to move to her seat in coach. The Karen smugly replied, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I please."

The second flight attendant approached her sternly and demanded that she move to coach to take her proper seat. The Karen shouted loudl...

Derek Chauvin didn’t commit suicide

Sorry, just practicing

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

Bill Nye's grandfather rented a tuxedo to attend a Rotary convention in Philadelphia. The tuxedo came with an untied bow tie and he didn't know how to tie it.

Just taking a chance he knocked on his hotel's next door and there was a guy there.

\- Excuse me, can you help me tie my tie?

\- Sure. Just lie down on the bed.

The grandfather wasn't sure what he was getting into, but he wanted to have the tie on.

So he lay down on the b...

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I swear autocorrect is amazing.

No that's not what I said, I meant to say autocorrect is wonderful.

No! That's not it either. Autocorrect is a piece of technology I couldn't live without. Praise autocorrect.

Oh you gotta be kidding me. No one likes you autocorrect, they love you.

I didn't even type that.
<...

In 2017, i didn’t jog. In 2018 i didn’t jog. In 2019 i didn’t jog. In 2020 i didn’t jog.

This is a running joke

My lucky day! I didn't have enough money for the Honda, but the dealership took pity on me and gave me an old Fiesta.

I couldn't afford an Accord, but I was accorded a Ford.

Random person asks the genie saying “i wish i didn't exist”

-Random person asks the genie saying: “i wish i didn't exist”
-genie: *poof* “granted”
-person : “nothng changed”
-genie : “Look agan”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My teacher failed me in SexEd because I didn't want to discuss the subject.

Worst part of homeschooling...

Jane couldn't quite work out why she didn't like her husband's new hobby.

But as he grabbed his bait and rod for the fifth day in row, she new it seemed fishy.

Her: I’m leaving. I’m sick of your constant mansplaining. I’m surprised you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

Me: It’s called graffiti, Karen.

While my wife was in labor, I read her the front page from /r/Jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused...

It must have been the delivery...

Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?

Because it didn't habanero.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

Today I thought I had a quarter in my shoe which didn’t make sense

Turns out it was a nickel which made even less cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

I went to the pub on Friday with my friends and didn't come home until Sunday night. When i got home, my wife was so angry...

She said "how would you like it if you didn't see me for three days straight?"


i said "that would be bloody lovely".


So I didn't see her on the Monday, the Tuesday or the Wednesday, but by Thursday the swelling around my eyes went down enough to make her out again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was younger, I didn't want to imagine my parents having sex...

So I'd watch them while hiding in their bedroom closet.

Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!!

No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.

P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos.

Why didn't the pokemon listen to classical music?

Because he was lycanroc.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He didn't know when to say neigh..........

A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum... Doctors have described his condition as stable.

Did you hear about the pilot who’s arms didn’t work?

The doc said he was Airaplegic

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up.

**That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But t...

I really didn't want to go to a fancy dress christening

but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Why didn't Alexa run for Senate?

Because she likes being Speaker of the House.

I was babysitting my brother's cat and he called to check on her

Me: She's dead

Brother: OMG, that's not how you break news to someone about a beloved pet!

Me: Then how?

Brother: You say: I am afraid I have some bad news. Your cat escaped, went outside, and started chasing a squirrel. The squirrel ran up onto the roof and the cat gave chase....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got introduced to a doctor and I asked what field he was in. He said, “Urology”. I didn’t know how to respond…

So I said, “No shit?”

At first I didn’t like my beard but after a few months

it’s really growing on me.

Why didn't Trump buy anything when he went to the UK?

He only had one Pence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just had a message from a random guy asking to meet in the woods to compare dick sizes. Fucking weirdo..

Didn't even show up.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing “I'm a Believer”...

Then I saw her face...

When I was a kid I threw a boomerang, it didn't come back

It isn't a bad life I'm living, but it is a life in ongoing fear.

I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation system said:

“IN 400 FEET, DO A SLIGHT RIGHT, STOP, AND LET ME OUT."

I came up with a great science joke, but the scientists didn't take it seriously enough to laugh at.

They told me it hadn't been peer reviewed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a...

My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop speaking in Scooby Doo references...

Alright gang, let's split up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn’t realize the sex manual I bought had a typo….

…until we tried the 96 position.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

A friend of mine one told me: "If you want a girl to like you, use cheesy pickup lines." That didn't really work for me.

Apparently all the girls I talk to are lactose intolerant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that i had a name for my penis..

I guess i will have to take Matters into my own hands.

I was going to post a Time Traveling joke

But you guys didn't like it.

Before our night out, my wife said that she didn't want me to get dressed up.

No point arguing with her.

So I slipped into my suit and tie while lying on the floor.

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy from drowning?

Because he was too far out, man.

A bus driver was called into court for killing 24 children and 6 adults

The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?"

The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!"

"How did it happen?" Asks the judge.

"Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the r...

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "we've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world. We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "wh...

I told my friends I didn't want to try group bondage...

...but somehow they roped me into it.

A Psychic buying clothes

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: You didn't even try it on.

Psychic: I'm a medium.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

I got a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.

When I got home, they were still there.

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