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Didn Jokes

Weinstein didn’t kill himself

Sorry just practicing

In 2017, i didn’t jog. In 2018 i didn’t jog. In 2019 i didn’t jog. In 2020 i didn’t jog.

This is a running joke

Good thing Chris rock didn’t make fun of hilaria baldwin.

Too soon?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group

So I just came in my pants.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on...

...I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”

Why didn’t aliens visit our Solar system yet?

Because they saw the reviews and it only had one star.

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show up..

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that I had a name for my penis

I guess I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

The doctor replied “Don’t worry, Those are just contractions.”

I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want kids.

But when I got home they were still there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”

Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”

I went to prison for something I didn’t do

I didn’t wipe the fingerprints off the knife

A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it to just go towards crack and alcohol

So I gave it to the homeless man

Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner?

It was Chewie.

My girlfriend didn’t like the way she looked in the mirror…

… so I decided I’d do what I could to restore her vanity. Got all the parts needed at Home Depot.

My friend didn’t believe me that Slash was in AC/DC

C’mon he is right there in the middle

I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help with my posture,

but I stand corrected.

My boyfriend didn’t believe me when I told him ‘very’ is an adjective

“It’s an adverb!”

Those were his very words.

Prigozhin’s plane didn’t crash

It performed a special military landing

I didn’t think I had a type.

Turns out it’s called ‘women who already have boyfriends’

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

If I had a dollar for every woman that didn’t find me attractive………

Eventually they would find me attractive.

My parents told me to leave the house because I didn’t know my directions

So I packed my things and right

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

My autobiography didn’t sell very well

Story of my life

I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.

So I choose not to post it this time around

Edit: Thanks for the 1000 upvotes this time guys!
( Edited when I only had 27)

Why didn’t congress impeach Trump ?

Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name...

But I called her Bluff...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first time I saw foot porn, I didn’t like it

So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot

Someone made a post offending handicapped people, but I didn’t reply.

The comments were disabled.

Why didn’t the derivative of sec(x) go to the beach?

Because secant tan.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up.

**That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**

Sadly that shop didn’t have any small shiny discs either.

“Sorry”, said the cashier, “we don’t have any in stock.”

A lady went into an embroidery shop to buy some fancy beads for her dress.

So she tried another shop down the road.

Like this joke, the shops were all out of sequins.

I just came on my phone’s screen and it didn’t unlock

So much for facial recognition

If i had a dime for every time i didn’t understand what’s going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

My friend told me that I didn’t understand how to use irony.

It was really ironic, since we were at the bus stop at the time.

My buddy once took a date to see the world’s oldest lit candle but it didn’t go well.

Turns out you really shouldn’t take your date to see an old flame.

Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?

He didn’t habanero

Why didn’t the vegan chicken cross the road?

Because it’s a vegetable

What do you call the knight the king didn’t need?

Sir Plus

A friend asked me what the Northernmost American state was. I said I didn’t know, but my wife does…

I’ll ask ‘er.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most people didn’t like the guy who invented doors

They say he was a bit of a knob

Why didn’t the Soviet Union attack the US

Because they liked Stalin

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Female coworker didn’t know…

I asked a female coworker what’s the difference between a blowjob and a Big Mac?

Her: I don’t know.

I said to her 12 o’clock let us do lunch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) bring me the one my wife made

Why didn’t the little boy eat the cheese?

He was scared of Muensters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn’t understand why some people are into incest porn

then I remembered that taste is relative.

My girlfriend didn’t believe me, I could make a car of out spaghetti

You should of seen her face when I drove straight pasta

A man is waiting anxiously outside the Labour ward. The doctor comes out with a grim expression and hands him a baby, saying “I’m sorry, but your wife didn’t make it.”

The man hands the baby back and says “well, bring me the one my wife made.”

My wife didn’t want to get an abortion but I did

So we met in the middle and sent him to school in America

I tried joining a long-exposure photography course, but I didn’t learn anything.

It all went by in a blur.

They didn’t remove the right one.

Request: Little brother was just diagnosed with testicular cancer. Lefty is a goner, but as the older brother, I feel the obligation to have some good jokes ready to help him feel better. Unfortunately the title is as good as funny as I get, so please help a brother out. Thanks.
Edit he’s in his ...

My dad worked as a clown. When he died I didn’t want to follow his work.

It left big shoes to fill.

Why did the big rock ride the roller coaster but the small rock didn't?

The big rock was Boulder.

Why didn’t the life guard save the drowning hippie ?

Because he was too far out, man….

“Boss, I’m sorry I didn’t show up until noon today, but…

…this morning I unexpectedly became a father”.
“Well then congratulations, is it a boy or a girl”?
“I won’t know that for nine months”.

Back in the day, we didn’t have Google….

….but we had a drunk uncle.

Why didn’t 4 ask out 5?

He was two squared..

Why didn’t Lassie have to save Timmy on Christmas Day?

No well

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn’t Adolf Hitler drink?

It would just turn him into a bit of an asshole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer Jones: “well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table” ...

What did Beethoven say to the pianist that didn’t perform well

Pathétique

What happened to the man who didn’t have a towel after his shower?

He dried of natural causes.

I didn’t want to have brain surgery…

But the doctor told me I needed to have an open mind

I went to the doctor because my trouser snake didn’t work.

He said I have a reptile dysfunction

Why didn’t the green pepper get into archery?

He didn’t Habanero!

Why didn’t the antivaxx kid get any upvotes.

Because he died in new.

At first I didn’t understand how to use my mind-controlled air freshener

But after thinking about it for a while, it finally made scents.

I once threw a boomerang and it didn’t come back…

I now live in a constant state of fear.

I didn’t fall for my boyfriend

His third leg just tripped me

They say Lizzie Borden didn’t plan on chopping up her parents, and it was a mercy killing.

She was known for her Random Axe of Kindness.

My publisher didn’t like my Erotica...

He said the plot was full of gaping holes

Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert?

......He was stuffed

Why didn’t the English teacher like looking at graphs?

Too much x-position

Why didn’t the guitar drive to the store?

Because the piano had the keys

I didn’t get a lap dance!

It was an erotic mugging

Why didn’t Jesus walk on water after his resurrection?

It’s a hell of a lot harder to with holes in your feet...

didn’t know you had a vasectomy last year…

I kid you not.

Why didn’t the dog answer his phone?

It was ringing with no collar ID.

Why didn’t the rabbit hunter want to be on TV?

Because he was having a bad hare day.

Why didn’t the paranoid plane take off?

It had thrust issues

My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction

So I packed my stuff up and right

Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t talk about it.

*“For I did not speak of my own Accord”* (John 12:49)

The place where I grew up is so small, we didn’t even have a town drunk…

Everyone just took turns.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?

Because she had bad blood !

( For all the people who can laugh at a corny Taylor Swift joke ) lol

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?

Because he had no body to go with.

I didn’t like getting bitten by a wood tick

but it grew on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn’t the dinosaur play baseball?

Because it’s fucking dead.

This morning I accidentally put baking soda in my wife’s coffee instead of sugar. She didn’t seem to mind though.

She’s basic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They didn’t draw a dick on your face at last nights party…

..they traced it.

Why didn’t Batman respond to the 10-65?

Because his sidekick was Robin.

I’ll see myself out.

Why didn’t the integral like going to the beach?

Because he didn’t like the sun, let alone the sun PLUS SEA.

Heard that Bob Saget died, didn’t see that coming.

Whatever happened to predictability?

What happened to the guy who didn’t pay his exorcist?

His house got re-possessed

Why didn’t the police arrest the amputee?

He was unarmed.

Hopefully Will Smith’s mom didn’t watch the Oscars.

He might have to move back in with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

Why didn’t the cow make it to the sale barn on time?

Hereford broke down.

Why didn’t Barbie become pregnant?

Because Ken came in another box.

Why didn’t Anna and Elsa’s parents teach them the whole alphabet?

Because they got lost at C.

Why didn’t Mozart like his chickens?

He asked them who had the best music and they said “Bach, Bach, Bach”

Why didn’t they make two Yogi Bears?

Because they made a Boo-Boo

I didn’t really want to become a gynecologist when I was in college

But I heard there were a lot of openings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife didn’t understand why the Umbrella salesman was being so vague.

I had to remind her it’s a shady business.

Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack!

Just a dad with some dad jokes.

What happened to the Indian girl that didn’t want to eat her dinner?

She got sent to bed for naancompliance

God didn’t recognize you.

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it and play with fate. So since she’s in the hospital, she ge...

I knew a man who didn’t trust his hands

He had to keep them at arms length

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many people think that King Arthur didn’t have very much sex

Many people think that King Arthur didn’t have very much sex because he only had one son. But, if you think about the sword in the stone, his pull out game is what made him king in the first place.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One time I didn’t masturbate for 11 years…

...Then I turned 12.

Dinosaurs didn’t go extinct

They found Jesus and got raptored

Today I realized that I didn’t understand what “sunk cost fallacy” meant all my life.

Oh well, too late to do anything about it now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn’t the Japanese man get a high five?

Logan Paul left him hanging.

Tried to show my snake to a girl, but It didn’t work

…You could say it was a reptile dysfuntion

A vegan, a bitcoin trader and someone who didn’t vote in 2016 all walk into a bar.

Who tells you about it first?

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?

There wasn’t a crosswalk obviously, he wasn’t going to jaywalk

I tried raising cows, but they didn’t produce any milk.

Needless to say, my venture was an udder failure.

u didn’t get it

Two engineering students were biking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off ...

If puns didn’t exist

Jokes would have chlines

Why didn’t USA switch from pounds to grams?

Because of mass outrage.

I didn’t understand this COVID joke

Eventually, I got it

I didn’t study for chemistry

My chem teacher once asked me what S was on the periodic table, and I didn’t know so I said “the element of Surprise,” apparently he was surprised with my answer.

Why didn’t Beethoven clap upon the ratification of new legislature ensuring protection for deaf individuals?

You don’t applaud at the end of a movement.

My mechanic tried to scam me because he didn’t think I knew about cars

I took my car to get an oil change and they were like “would you like us to rotate your tires?” I was like “Ummm. I rotated them a bunch on the way over jackass!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on the way to a meeting when a cart full of horse manure tipped all over me. I didn’t let it stop me though,

I was under turd!

I thought you said we didn’t have any bread?

No, I said we had Naan.

The old Italian man didn’t die.

He pasta way.

At first I didn’t know an angry mob was outside my home because I only heard a polite knock on my door.

But when I discovered the truth of my predicament, I stayed as quiet as a mouse—quieter, even—and fortunately, after a short time, they all got bored and left.

Power to the peephole.

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