UPJOKE

Did You Hear About Jokes

Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?

There was nothing left but de brie

Did you hear about the non-binary gold prospector?

They dug up a fortune in them/their hills.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will be a pizza history.

Did you hear about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic?

He lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the sad life of a penis?

His whole family is nuts, his nextdoor neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him………

Did you hear about the restaurant that opened on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy with 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

Did you hear about the Doctor on the United Flight?

[removed]

Did you hear about the team of mutant trans-women super-heroes?

They're called "The Ex-Men".

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated ?

He just came out of nowhere.

Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?

His name was Rick O'Shea

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it is race-related

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit

Did you hear about the girl in the nudist colony?

Nothing looked good on her.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.


I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

Did you hear about the suicide bomber performing at the comedy open mic night?

He had everyone in pieces!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the masturbating guy with heart disease?

I heard he died of a stroke.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were prime mates

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

Did you hear about the hipster who burned his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about that rare porn movie that has been hailed as an inspirational timeless classic?

They said it would inspire people for generations to come.

Did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero?

He is 0K now.

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Did you hear about the man arrested for sexual relations with a sheep?

He's no longer on the lam.

Did you hear about the mansplainer that got injured?

Apparently he fell down a manhole, but it was a well, actually.

Did you hear about the crazy guy that only kills on trains?

I was told he has a loco motive.

Did you hear about the cyber criminal who got away?

They ransomware.

Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went around killing gingers.

Did you hear about the guy that tells everyone what the colors on the graph mean?

That guy’s a legend.

Did you hear about they guy who forgot to take his homeopathic medicine?

He OD'd.

Hey, did you hear about that new giant monster that eats nuclear reactors?

It's on...



A plant based diet.

Did you hear about the anti masker who died?

They went scuba diving

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the 'no-bell' prize.

Did you hear about the communist sniper?

He was an incredible marxman

Did you hear about the Mexican magician who disappeared?

Uno, dos, and POOF he was gone without a tres.

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

Did you hear about Prince?

Well I mean the artist formerly known as Prince.

Did you hear about the new Ceremony the Royal Palace Guards preform when Prince Harry is in town?

It's called, "The Changing of the Locks".

Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns?

The first one had a stroke.

The second one had a stroke.

And the third one didn't touch him at all.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing.

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to commit suicide?

She closed her garage door

and sat in her Tesla

while she left it running

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the scientist who attempted to clone himself for his own sexual pleasure?

He had done great strides towards his goal over the years. But after the most recent attempt, he finally topped himself.

Did you hear about the blind mohel?

He got the sack

Did you hear about the elephant with herpes?

Turned out to be pachydermititis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the confused homosexual?

He couldn't think straight.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who could ejaculate cash?

He made loads of money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy that dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts, huh ?

Did you hear about the man with a lethal stutter?

He died of natural pauses.

Did you hear about the constipated vampire?

Doctor put him on blood thinners.

Did you hear about the Anorexic Jedi?

She had to be force fed.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Did you hear about the Jewish mother doll?

You pull the string on its back and it says, “Again with the string?”

Did you hear about the talking scale?

It speaks for the masses.

Did you hear about the new frog movie?

I hear it's ribbiting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the man who installed a window in his butt?

It was a pane in the ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who was dyslexic and gay?

He’s still in Daniel

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field

Did you hear about the fella who walked into the psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear?

The doctor took one look at him and said “well I can clearly see your nuts”

Did you hear about Danny Welbeck's bomb disposal expert brother.

Stan Welbeck.

(NSFW) Did you hear about the rapper that only raps on her period?

She has a mean flow

Did you hear about the cannibalistic lion?

He swallowed his pride.

Did you hear about the nun who was caught with cannabis sewn into her robe?

She had a drug habit.

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The wedding was awful, but the reception was great!

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school for the deaf?

Neither did they.

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief?

He had loco motives.

Did you hear about the man who assaulted someone with a woodwind instrument?

He's a registered Sax offender

Did you hear about the cow who spent all day every day in the gym?

It was pretty beefed up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the Amish prostitute?

She was sleeping with two Mennonite

Did you hear about Apple's new VR headset?

They're called the iGlasses

Did you hear about the woman who had 100 kids?

Well she sucked at naming children, so she decided to just number them in birth order. One, Two, Three, etc. Well, one day, her and all of her children were in a tragic plane accident and the only one who survived was 90. After years of grief and growing, 90 got married and had some kids of her own....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the time Trump took viagra?

He just got taller

Did you hear about the man who was fired for Stealing potatoes?

He got the sack

Did you hear about the guy who went around murdering people with a melted clock and long-legged elephant?

He was a Surreal Killer

Did you hear about the cow that can’t produce milk?

They’re an udder failure.

Did you hear about that new heavy metal themed sandwich shop?

It's called Pantera Bread

Did you hear about the deaf accountant?

Her payments were in arrears.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the rooster that draws pictures of poop?

The cock will doodle doo.

Did you hear about the Leaning Tower of Piza?

It collapsed, so now it’s just the I-Fell Tower of Piza.

Did you hear about the fight between two campers?

It was in tents

Did you hear about the OceanGate company that lost the Titan sub?

Apparently their business is going under.

Did you hear about the dating app for comedians?

It's called FunnyBones

The French Revolution was pretty rough. Did you hear about what happened to Louis XVI's head?

[Removed]

Did you hear about the existential pirate?

Me thinks, therefore me arrrr!

Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?

Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.

I asked my friend, “Did you hear about the book about Sherlock Holmes’ son?”

Friend: What son?

Me: No. That’s his doctor sidekick.

Did you hear about the two fries walking down the street?

They were a salted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the monkey sex addict?

His name was Kink Kong

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers and got rich?

He made a mint

Did you hear about the new pit boss doll?

You fill it with water and it sweats for eight hours.

Did you hear about the agnostic scientist who had twins?

She had one of them baptised, the other one is the control.

Did you hear about the pole vault champion of North Korea?

He’s now the pole vault champion of South Korea.

Did you hear about that time a hitman held a writer at gunpoint and forced him to write for Amy Schumer?

The hitman warned him, “Don’t get any funny ideas!”

Did you hear about the new birth control pill for men?

You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman that had twins?

He named one José.

He named the other one hose B.

did you hear about the ghost ship?

i heard they were only working with a skeleton crew

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the Indian who's gotten hit by a train 5 times?

Reincarnation is a bitch.

Did you hear about the Enlightened Electrician?

He was a master at working with shockras.

Did you hear about the narcissistic, self-destructive, cannibal?

He was full of himself.

Did you hear about the guy who dated Supergirl and Wonder Woman?

Turns out, he was a heroine addict

Did you hear about the duck who got a nose job?

He didn't like the bill.

Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break?

He got fired for sleeping on the job.

Did you hear about the Venetian streetwalker?

She drowned.

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end...

But a beautiful finish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the Japanese man who faked his death?

His wife didn’t bereave him.

Did you hear about the Israeli barista?

He brews

Did you hear about the baker that got arrested?

He spent a dozen weeks in custardy

Did you hear about the guy who drowned in the vat of beer?

He got out two times to go to the bathroom

Did you hear about the baker living his best life?

He kneads to do more

Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?

Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.

Did you hear about the rapper who made a killing in the stock market?

Lil' Nas Daq

Did you hear about the surgeon who branded his initials on a patient's organ?

Apparently it was an inside joke

Did you hear about the Mucinex truck that collided with a Nyquil truck on the highway?

Amazingly, the entire area was congestion-free for over 8 hours.

Did you hear about the sandwich who went to the doctor?

He went to the mayo clinic.

Did You Hear About The Women With An Odd Fixation On Bulgarian Values?

She was looking for someone who was stroganoff to be her man

Did you hear about the English teacher who experienced a serious health episode?

He suffered a massive corrolary

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel prize

He was outstanding in his field

Did you hear about all that corruption in the blind charities?

No matter how much you donate, *those kids will never see a dime.*

Did you hear about the superhero who was bitten by a radioactive lawyer?

He got the power of attorney.

Did you hear about the two astronauts involved in a legal dispute?

They agreed to orbitration.

Did you hear about the poltergeist that got arrested by the DEA?

Yeah, he got busted for possession.

Did you hear about the racist chemist?

He joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium

Did you hear about the delusional electrician?

Turns out, he wasn't properly **grounded** in reality.

Did you hear about the three holes in the ground?

Well, well, well…

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