UPJOKE
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I was devastated to hear that someone in my town was crushed under a skid of Canada Dry today.

Now i guess we're both soda pressed.

I was devastated when I got home from shopping yesterday to find the wife had left me.

I'd just bought a see-saw.

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I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

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Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

My wife found out she's adopted.

She was devastated and kept
asking, "Why didn't they want
me?" I comforted her and after a
while, still crying, she asked me
to make love to her... which led
to more tears.

Upon reflection, banging her
from behind and shouting,
"WHO'S YOUR DADDY?" was a
little insensit...

When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.

A couple of months later, Myrtle also died

Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a Cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.

She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe. Darling, Joe"

Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't give me tha...

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

I was devastated when I found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real. Because that means it was my parents...

who molested me.



credit: Ryan Stout

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I was devastated when I got a text from my wife telling me I was crap in bed.

It’s ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.

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Peeing at a festival

Last weekend I was at a festival, where the toilets were always crowded. So, like most men, I went to the bushes to pee. Here I saw that the man next to me was peeing through two jets. I got curious so I asked how he did it.

“I fought in Iraq”, he said, “and got hit by a shard of a bullet. Si...

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’

because I’m terrible at tennis.

Girlfriend of two years broke up with me this fall, I was devastated. Then I realized...

I had 2 fall to lose it all

But in the end it doesn't even matter...

I was absolutely devastated when my horse died.

I had a lot of money riding on that race.

When I woke up from my accident, I was devastated when the doctors told me I had broken all my fingers.

It was hard to grasp.

I was devastated when my wife left me, but she gave me a gift that I'll always carry with me...

Herpes.

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Cinderella wanted to go to a ball one night

But her stepmother said she could not go. Devastated, Cinderella ran up to her room, sat on her bed, and started sobbing.

Not soon later, a fairy godmother came into her room via window. "Would you still luke to go to the ball?" The fairy godmother asked. "Yes!" Cinderella exclaimed. "Ok," t...

I gave my girlfriend an STD and I’m devastated

If I transmitted it to her, then why do I still have it?!

I was devastated to find my first love in bed with my own father.

“We’ve been through this,” said Mom.

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My friend was devastated when he found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.

He wasted six months of his life training for nothing.

I'm devastated that I won't be able to celebrate my birthday this March

I was born in November

Devastated. A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money...

A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

Just saw a poor girl crying in the library, devastated about something.

So I pulled up a chair, leaned in and said "You can shut up or go outside, I've got an exam tomorrow".

My fortune teller told me that there is a man dating my girlfriend and that he is coming to kill me.

I was devastated to hear that she was cheating on me so I killed myself.

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Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning

Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning, anticipating that he'd be getting a new Nintendo Console this year. "Surprise!" shouted his parents. "We know you wanted video games, but we think you need to get outdoors more. We got you this set of fishing gear! Unfortunately, it was rather expensive, ...

So apparently Justin Timberlake is going to write a song for all the people that have been devastated by the crisis in Ukraine.

It's going to be called 'Crimea River'.

On their way to a summit, both Reagan and Gorbachev end up in car crashes, knocking them both into comas.

Ten years later, they wake up in adjacent rooms in the hospital, a screen separating the rooms but allowing them to see and hear each other. Both are curious about how the world changed in their absence, so Reagan asks for a copy of the New York Times, and Gorbachev asks for a copy of Pravda.
...

About me

My broken heart.

I think it's time I told everyone a little bit about me.

A big part of my life was I used to be a harpist.
I'm not going to brag, but I could play the harp brilliantly.

I worked in an orchestra and after a concert I met this amazing woman.
Now I absolut...

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My friends father died of Viagra overdose....

Whole family was devastated, but his mother took it the hardest.

Daddy's gonna eat your fingers.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this", and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Da...

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

Click for a dumb blonde joke...

A town decides to host the biggest convention in history: a blonde convention.

Blondes from all over the world came to this event to meet some fellow blondes.

The plan was to prove for once and for all that the stereotype of blondes being dumb was a lie. So a big stage was set up in th...

I'm devastated. My pet rat Elvis just died.

He was caught in a trap

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Ha...

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

New Pope

There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
...

A farmer goes to the bank for a loan

He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and he’s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully he can get a good crop.

The banker apologises and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the ban...

Tragedy at the Guiness brewery

Paddy O Reilly works at the Guiness brewery, one day Mrs O Reilly gets a knock on the door, it's the manager.....he tells her there was a terrible accident and her husband drowned in a vat of Guiness.

She is devastated and finally manages to sob...please tell me he went quickly and didnt suf...

here's a pretty good joke

so, once there was a boy and he was born with no body, no arms, and no legs. One night, on his 18th birthday, his dad took him down to a bar and got him a drink. The boy took a sip and out popped his body. His dad was flabbergasted and urged him to take another sip. The boy took another sip and, sur...

A man DIES

He died tragically and unexpectedly in a botched robbery. Devastated, his wife Cindy mourned four several months, leaving the house only to pick up groceries that her doting mother leaves on her doorstep.

The only comfort to her grief was his cat, who is similarly distraught. After several mo...

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A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The...

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

A young man finds the perfect girl from his small village for marriage

He asks his father for his blessings, but the father tells him that he was screwing around in his youth, and that the girl he wants to marry is in fact his sister.

The young man devastated but still wanting to get married suggests his next door neighbor's daughter. The father tells him with ...

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A traveler checked in at a hotel that advertised widely as offering

everything a client might desire.  The traveler at once called room service.  "I want to have brought to my room," he said, "a young virgin
between the ages of 18 and 19, who must have blonde hair and blue eyes. I also want sent up 4 pieces of strong rope, each exactly 4 feet in
length, and a ...

That’s a lot of zeros

An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump:

"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."

Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this.
He sinks back in his chair, saying “oh my god” over and over.

Then he composes h...

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So, once upon a time......

A horse sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is ...

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There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

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The crab and the lobster

One there was a crab called David and a lobster called Lucy and they were very much in love.

One day, Lucy comes running to David, crying her eyes out.

“What’s the matter?” David asks.

“It’s my father, the King. He’s banned me from ever seeing you again!” cried Princess Lucy....

Taught the kids how to make a burger from Scratch....

.....they were devastated. Stupid name for a cat anyway

A family goes overseas on a camping holiday

The 2 kids become friendly with a wild skunk. Over the course of the holiday they build up the skunks trust and they are able to handle it, pet it, feed it and play with it. They love the skunk and the skunk loves them.

On the last day of the holiday, the family is packing up their camp site ...

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

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The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

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A wealthy old man lays on his death bed, his 3 sons by his side.

"My boys, to just one of you I will leave my fortune. Each of you take a duck to the market. Whoever can sell it for the highest price will be worthy of everything I leave behind"

The first son, a successful business man in his own right, takes his duck, and gets $20 for it. A good price for ...

A man stumbles upon a group of Redditors

One yells out 58 and they all start giggling. The man is puzzled and asks them what's so funny.

A Redditor tells him that they know all the jokes and instead of telling them, they just say the numbers assigned to the joke and they all remember it and laugh.

The man turns to the reddito...

Asking for charity

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman well-known for her charity.

“Please, mam,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family at the other end of the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into...

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A man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope.

For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy.

Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy.

The next morning h...

Gene was at work one day and curiously asked his recently new co-worker, Claire, if she had any wishes for her weeding that weekend.

The only thing Claire had hoped for was for it to snow on her big day and that she would be devastated if it didn't happen.

2 weeks later, Claire arrived back at work happy as could be; talking with her co-workers about how perfect everything turned out.

Gene overheard her conversati...

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.



In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to ...

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop.

He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down,...

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An old man grabs a seat at the bar...

An old man grabs a seat at the bar and order a double scotch, which the barman promptly serves him. After drinking all his glass in one shot, he asks for another one, which the barman serves him.

The old man then say "How about a little friendly bet my friend?". The barman repond "why not" a...

Pet Dog

Husband: Where are you sad, baby?

Wife: My mother's dog died in a car accident yesterday.

Husband: Oh I'm sorry to hear that.

Wife : She is devastated. she couldn't digest it.

Husband: Who told your mother to eat the dead dog?

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches...

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches being the same for the last 20 years! So they struck a deal, if their wives make them same sandwiches yet again, tomorrow, they're gonna throw themselves off the building.

So tomorrow comes, and one opens his lunchbox, sees the same...

Birthing theories

3 guys were in a waiting room, their wives in labour.

The first man gets called in. He comes out later and tells the others that it was a boy. He laughs and says "geez I think I got a boy because I was on top at that magic moment".

The second man gets called in, and sometime later, he...

Sam was a man with big dreams who lived in a small countryside village

One day, sam decided to follow his dreams and went to the big city. "Now you gotta find a job, Sam" he said to himself, and went to search for one.

After being rejected from several job interviews, Sam returns defeated to his home, there, he decides not to give up. With some money from his pa...

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A young Caucasian decided to visit a hooker when he visited Thailand.

A week later upon returning to the States he developed severe urinary pain. This was followed by purulent discharge and blistering of his penis.

Anxiously worried he visited a physician who told him, “You have contracted a rare STD that unfortunately necessitates amputation of your penis. It ...

A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby.

A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'

'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.

'Good gr...

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Comeback school

One day a man offers to take his son to the circus, which is coming to town in a few weeks. The boy is so excited and feels like it takes forever for the big day to arrive. Finally, it’s time to go to the circus. They arrive early and get front row seats, sodas and peanuts.

First the juggl...

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

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The cow died.

So the father gave the oldest son a bag of gold and sent him to the city to buy a new cow.

Off went the lad but on the road he met a beautiful fairy. She told him that if he manages to make her cum she will give him his weight in gold. But if he failed she will take all of his gold. The fella...

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