What can you always depend on, but will always let you down?

>!Gravity!<

Why can't you depend on flat earthers?

Because they're never around.

I told my wife "if ever I become comatose and depend on a machine for my survival, unplug me"

She unplugged the computer.

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

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A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following ...

Your car in heaven....

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will...

A few jokes...

1. Why do dogs wag their tails? Because no one else will do it for them.
2. A zombie got a new girlfriend. He introduces her to his friend, who says: "Wow, she's a hottie. Where did you dig her up?"
3. Image living in an ice globe city. The weather reports would be interesting: "Chance of an ...

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An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

3 men make it to heaven.

man 1, man 2, and man3.

An angel tells them: "The vehicle that you get to travel with in heaven will depend on the number of times you cheated on your partner"

So the angel asks the man 1, and man 1 says that he cheated on his wife 5 times. The angel checks to see if he is lying, and i...

What's the difference between Tim Howard and Jesus?

Jesus had 11 guys he could depend on.

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What does a mumble rapper and a politician have in common?

both of their careers depend on incomprehensible bullshit

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An Iranian Joke: Tranlated

A man was laying on his death bed at home. His beautiful wife sat by his side, holding his hand.

He was dismayed about his wife being with another man. He knew that this was probably inevitable but he wanted to hear it from her. He asked, "wife, do you think that when I am gone you will marr...

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