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Senile Jokes

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Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 20% off.

Edit: Wow. So to all you humorless twats getting offended over a joke, I heard this while visiting my grandmother in the hospital. The Jewish woman (who was probably a little senile) that shared a room with her told me th...

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“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

Not All Seniors Are Senile...

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store last
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, ...

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

What do you call a senile old man thats surprisingly good at Soccer?

Gerry Hat-Trick

This morning I thought I was going senile when I couldn’t remember where I’d put my watch.

Then, fortunately, my wife reminded me that I haven’t worn a watch in 5 years.

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An old woman with a huge purse walks into a bank...

And she demands from the teller that she sees the President of Manhattan's First Bank, and she has 4 million dollars in her purse for him to see. The teller calls the President, and he arrives shortly to decide whether or not this old lady is just senile.

The old woman approaches him and say...

A Jewish man was visiting his senile old mother...

They were talking for about 10 minutes and as he was about leave, his mom said...'it was nice to meet sir...and hey would it kill you to call your mother?!"

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I used to be a senile UPS worker

Shit I messed up the delivery

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3 Quick Ones

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorr...

We'll be friends until we're old and senile

Then we'll be new friends.

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So a senile old man, an alleged rapist, and a neoliberal ghoul walk into a bar.

The bartender says "im sorry Mr. Biden, we are closed due to the coronavirus"

On my jog today, I saw this little old lady talking to her cat. From her hand gestures and body language it was clear she thought the cat understood her. I hope I never get that lonely and senile.

Anyway...I went home and told my dog about her. We laughed and laughed..

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An old man was living out his days in a nursing home.

One day the nurse noticed he was sad and depressed.

She asked, “Is there something wrong?”

“Yes nurse,” the old man replied, “my private part died today, and I am very sad.”

Knowing her patients were sometimes a little senile she replied, “Oh, I’m sorry, please accept my condole...

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My old Gramps used to say "If you've got a screwdriver set, an adjustable spanner and a soldering iron you can fix anything!"





Senile old cunt, I've just made a right fucking mess of my niece's poorly gerbil.

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When I was 7 my grandad told me the funniest joke I've ever heard, and I've never forgotten it

which is more than he can say, the senile old bastard

Forgive me for this...

One hot summer day, a cop gets a call about an indecent exposure. He rushes over to the address and is directed to the house next door where he sees an old woman, eating watermelon, dress hitched up to her waist, and no underwear on.

He walks up the driveway towards this woman about to arrest...

Two men are discussing the ailing health of their parents.

“I feel bad,” the first man says. “My dad is senile. All he does is stare through the window all day long.”



“That’s an awful way to live,” the second man responds.



“Yeah, I know,” the man admitted. “One day I should really let him in the house.”

Doctor has results for patient

Doc: You have a terminal, end stage disease.

(patient gets very sad and upset)

Doc: -and, I'm sorry, but You are senile.

Patient: That's it?

-Jolly good! At least I'm not dying!

An old man is walking around town sprinkling an unknown powder as he goes...

Thinking the old man is senile, some of the townspeople inform the local police to ensure his safety. A police officer approaches the man and asks, "Sir, why are you spreading powder all over the town?" To which the old man replies, "To keep the elephants away of course." Confused, the police man sa...

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An elderly couple were getting forgetful to they went to the doctor

The doctor suggested they start writing things down as the notes to themselves would improve their memory. That night, after dinner, the husband asked:

"Let's have some ice cream dear. What flavor would you like?"

"I'll have strawberry. You better write that down like the doctor said s...

The husband leans over and asks his wife

"How many damn times can the same joke be told and still laughed at? And they say I'm the senile one..."

My all-time favorite joke: The Forgetful Couple

An elderly couple are sitting in the living room, and the old man gets up, and says "I'm going to the store to get myself a soda, do you want anything?"

His wife says "I'd like an ice cream sundae. Here, I'll write it down for you so you don't forget--"

"I'm not going to forget," he w...

A routine call to an elderly patient..

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients.
He asks, ”And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?”
Mr. Johnson replies, ”I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it’s the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I o...

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A man who had suspicion that his wife was deaf....

... so he decided to test his wife. He told his wife to water the plants on the opposite side of the farm and then he yelled loudly. No response whatsoever. He decided to move closer and yelled again, and still total silence. With determination that his wife was totally deaf, he slowly walked to his...

father O'Brien goes to the doctor as he isn't feeling well...

The doctor gives him a full physical. The priest is showing all the signs of too much stress, high blood pressure, etc. The doctor suggests that the priest learn to calm down - maybe take a drink every so often. The priest interrupts him, "No - Mrs Brown who minds the Rectory won't have it! She ...

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In an old folks home, Gladys notices that Arthur's been looking down lately

She walks over and asks him what's wrong. Arthur tells her "Lately I've been feeling especially lonely at night. Before she passed away, my wife would sleep next to me and hold my willy to help me feel safe and loved".

Gladys thinks about it and decides that there's no harm in offering to sle...

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

Three elderly sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

.
.
.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath tub?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I ...

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

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