UPJOKE
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I just called the paranoia hotline.

A guy answered, “How did you get this number?!”

To everyone suffering from paranoia, let me just tell you:

You are not alone.

I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available.

She looked up and whispered, “They're right behind you.”

My wife just left me because of my anxiety and paranoia.

Nevermind, she just returned from the shops.

For those of you with feelings of paranoia that you are being watched:

I want you to know that you are not alone.

My doctor told me that I suffer from paranoia.

I think someone paid him to say it.

What is the opposite of paranoia?

Thinking you are following someone.

Paranoia is a man’s best friend

You really shouldn’t trust him though

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My doctor said I am suffering from paranoia and constipation

I'm scared shitless

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A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Just got back from seeing my therapist. He says I'm suffering from paranoia," he confides to the bartender. "Hey, man, that's nothing to be ashamed of. You're not alone," the bartender consoles him. "They're always watching."

The doctor asked his patient “Do you experience any signs of paranoia?”

The patient responded “No. Why? Who told you to ask that??”

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My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia.

Well he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.

1960s USSR. The peak of KGB paranoia.

Neighbors are ratting out neighbors. Employees report their coworkers to the KGB for innocuous jokes. Nighttime knocks on the door are commonplace. Regular citizens are labeled enemies of the people and taken away.

A group of university students are on a government-sponsored trip to a confere...

My friend told me he suffers from extreme paranoia...

I told him don't worry you're not alone

The influencer was diagnosed with paranoia.

He believed nobody was following him.

A buddy of mine suffers from dyslexia, paranoia and he's agnostic.

He's scared all the time wondering is there is a Dog

Paranoia has reached absurd stages...

I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own

I've recently developed a paranoia for German sausages.

I feel the wurst is yet to come.

I've been diagnosed with paranoia today.

If you ask me, this is only supposed to give me a false sense of security.

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Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have sch...

Psychiatrist to neurotic patient "You have acute paranoia"

Neurotic Patient "I came here to be treated, not admired"

The invitation

a man named Bob suffered from severe paranoia, it only got worse ever since the city he lived in got its first covid case.

Bob spent hours each day sanitizing his clothes and scrubbing himself to protect him from the virus.

One day Bob got a call from a very close friend of his. He w...

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I went to see a doctor.

I said, "My girlfriend says I'm suffering from severe paranoia."


"What do you want me to do?" he asked.

I said, "Stop having sex with her."

For everyone out there who suffers from paranoia and delusions

You’re NOT alone. There’s someone watching you.

I met a really nice girl at Paranoia Club today.

I said, "See you next week, if you're alive."

I think my paranoia is getting worse.

But that's just what they want me to think.

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

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Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.

"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.

"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.

Liz...

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impressi...

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employ...

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