To all the people out there suffering with paranoia just remember,

You're not alone.

A buddy of mine suffers from dyslexia, paranoia and he's agnostic.

He's scared all the time wondering is there is a Dog

I asked the librarian where the books on paranoia were?

"They're right behind you," she replied.

My doctor told me that I suffer from paranoia.

I think someone paid him to say it.

Paranoia has reached absurd stages...

I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own

My Doctor has just diagnosed me with paranoia.

He didn't actually say it.

But I know what he was thinking.

I've recently developed a paranoia for German sausages.

I feel the wurst is yet to come.

I just called the paranoia hotline.

A guy answered, “How did you get this number?!”

For everyone out there who suffers from paranoia and delusions

You’re NOT alone. There’s someone watching you.

I've been diagnosed with paranoia today.

If you ask me, this is only supposed to give me a false sense of security.

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impressi...

Paranoia is a man’s best friend

You really shouldn’t trust him though

My wife just left me because of my anxiety and paranoia.

Nevermind, she just returned from the shops.

"My psychiatrist told me I have Paranoia"

"You don't have a psychiatrist"

"I know, but if I had one he'd tell me"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia.

Well he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.

I met a really nice girl at Paranoia Club today.

I said, "See you next week, if you're alive."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just been diagnosed with paranoia and constipation.

I'm scared shitless.

Psychiatrist to neurotic patient "You have acute paranoia"

Neurotic Patient "I came here to be treated, not admired"

What is the opposite of paranoia?

Thinking you are following someone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have sch...

I think my paranoia is getting worse.

But that's just what they want me to think.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.

"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.

"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.

Liz...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to see a doctor.

I said, "My girlfriend says I'm suffering from severe paranoia."


"What do you want me to do?" he asked.

I said, "Stop having sex with her."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I went to see my psychiatrist...

about my paranoia and I said to him, "doctor, you've got to help me! I feel like everybody hates me and thinks I'm a worthless piece of crap, and that I'm dumb and ugly, and everybody wants me to die." The doctor replied, "Well, can you blame them?"

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