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I woke up to a warm, luscious blowjob today...

That's the last time I fall asleep on a train with my mouth open...

I asked a genie to give me soft and luscious hair.

He agreed, but on one condition.

Adam and God

Adam was walking through the garden of Eden, observing all the many animals God had created. He noticed that every creature had a companion, a perfect match, except for himself. Feeling lonely he finally decided to talk to God:

\- Lord, I see that you have created a companion for every creatu...

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Irish Whiskey

A man walked into a pub, took a seat, and when the barmaid asked him what he wanted he replied, "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat between your luscious breasts".
"You bloody degenerate!", the barmaid shouted, "Get out before I fetch my husband!"

The man apologize...

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A guy arrives in hell and crawls terrified at the feet of Satan.

Satan pets him and says in a soothing voice:

"Why, my good man, why are you so sad?"

The man explains that he is afraid of the torment that awaits him. The Devil then points to a nearby door.

"You see that door over there? Behind that door are as many luscious and horny women as...

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

A young salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door. The most beautiful woman he has ever seen answers, dressed in only a slinky negligee. She asks "Do you like what you see?" Slack jawed, the man finally manages to stutter "uh... yes, very much!"

She says "Quickly, step inside, I think I hear someone coming."

Once inside the beautiful woman drops her negligee and is completely naked. With a smile she asks "What do you think is the most sensitive part of my body?"

The salesman says "I guess that would have to be your ears."...

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a bar

The three sit down, order, and start chatting while enjoying their drinks, discuss why they believe what they do.

The Priest says "I try to live by the Word of God and love my neighbor as I love myself, showing my flock the same philosophy. By accepting this into my heart, I hope to earn my ...

My mom told me this one

A farmer is worried sick about his horse Reginald who is basically on his death bed. He calls a vet to check up on him but the vet looks hopeless and says, "I'll be honest with you man, he's pretty much in his final stages. I do know this experimental three day treatment, but its not known to work. ...

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Budweiser method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third...

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A man dies and goes to heaven...

Here's one I heard a while ago, not sure if it's been on here before. Works better if read aloud.

John finds himself in heaven after dying in a car accident. He sees nothing but a golden ladder ahead of him and a sign telling him to climb it. He begins to climb, up through a layer of clouds....

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The Farmer's New Addition

There once was a farmer who owned luscious pastures. He proudly looked over them everyday. He always took care of all of his animals.

Though one day he had brought in a new foal, a chestnut coloured one, that he thought was adorable.

He got him on the farm but the foal looked nervous ...

A husband and wife are getting dressed to go out to dinner

As the woman is making herself up in the mirror she grimaces at her reflection and turns to her husband.

"Why have the years been so cruel to me? With each passing day I get even more old and ugly. The lines on my face run as deep as river beds. My lips are as shriveled as raisins. My onc...

New Alabama Preacher

The new Alabama preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

No, ma'am," he replied. "I...

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So two guys are driving in the middle of nowhere...

And their car breaks down.

They had no cell service, so they started walking. Eventually they come upon a house surrounded by fields of fruit. They knock on the front door and say to the man who answered the door. "Hey man, our car broke down a couple miles back and it's getting late. Do you ...

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